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“I already told you, Miles, I’m not going to be in the office this afternoon. It can wait until Monday,” I snapped into the phone, my irritation starting to bubble over. I stood at my desk, watching the new email notifications pop up, feeling a wee bit of satisfaction that the out-of-office alerts were already turned on and every single one was being forwarded to my assistant.
“No, I can’t stay late today. If you guys can’t handle things while I’m out of the office for half of a day, then maybe I need to find a team who can.”
I heard his sharp intake of breath, knowing that I meant business.
“Find someone who can handle it and make sure that things are dealt with by the time I get back.”
I hung up the phone, feeling slightly thrilled that someone else would have to deal with things for the rest of the day. It was a whopping six hours without me—if they couldn’t handle that, then we had bigger problems.
I packed up my stuff and hung my leather briefcase on my shoulder as I left and locked my office door behind me. I felt the stares of the staff as I walked by with my sunglasses pushed up my face and nothing distracting me as I left for the day. I was usually the first one in and the last one out, but today was different.
My stomach had been a mess all morning as I thought about what was going to happen. Today marked one year since Charlotte died, and John, Lily, Alice, and Charles were flying in to have a memorial for her. Lily was having an exceptionally hard time, and John had some paperwork to deal with for his lawyer now that the lawsuit was over. The court had ruled in his favor, and we all got what we really wanted—the police chief fired, and his name ruined.
We were planning to meet at the park across the street from where it happened, which was only a fifteen-minute drive from my office. I climbed into the car and rolled the windows down, needing as much fresh air as I could get. My fingers were shaky as I started the engine and carefully pulled out of the parking lot.
Ever since the accident, I’d been nervous driving, even though I was the passenger that day. Whenever a car approached when I made a turn, I would have a panic attack and freak out that it was happening again. I forced myself to push through it and tried to keep it from overwhelming me, but my therapist said that it was a normal response and not to rush anything.
I had started seeing her shortly after New Year’s when I’d gone over forty hours without sleeping and couldn’t find the desire to eat. I knew that I needed help; I just hadn’t realized how deep it went. I had confided in her about the grief I was holding onto from Charlotte’s death and found that it went even deeper with my parent’s death. She confirmed what I had known all along but was never willing to accept—that I close people off when they start getting too close because I’ve associated love with loss. If I love someone, then surely that means that I’ll lose them.
I pulled into the parking lot and found a spot under the tree where we were supposed to meet. Looking around, I could see that they weren’t there yet. I had a new text message that I was busy responding to when I heard someone knock on my window, startling me.
John stood on the other side, smiling as I practically hyperventilated, trying to catch my breath. I pressed the button to roll down the window as he stepped back.
“I didn’t see you guys. I thought you weren’t here yet,” I explained, setting my phone in my lap.
“Rental car,” he said, nodding to the black truck that was parked two spots over. “They’re still inside. Lily was having a hard time getting out.”
“Are you sure that it’s a good idea to do this?”
He nodded, and I could see the way his Adam’s Apple bulged that he was getting choked up too.
“Okay,” I said, rolling up the window before I turned off the car. I reached over and grabbed the folder sitting on the passenger seat and prayed that I was ready for this.
I wasn’t sure what hurt more—the immediate grief that I felt the day that I lost her or the suffering that I was feeling one year later, standing by the intersection where it had happened.
I followed John over to the shaded grass area that stretched between our vehicles and waited for Lily to get out of the truck. Charles was already out, standing at the front of it while Alice helped Lily.
Once she saw me, she burst into tears and came running to me. I opened my arms and grabbed her, holding her as tight as I could as the folder fell to the grass beside me. We didn’t say a word as we cried, feeling the connection between us that hadn’t died after all.
I was worried that being away from her for so long would have changed the bond that I felt with her, but right now, at this moment, I knew that nothing ever could.
“Are you alright?” I asked, gently pulling away while holding her face in my hands as I studied her.
Her blue eyes were red and swollen, her face splotchy from crying. I had seen her plenty of times during our Facetime calls, but I hadn’t noticed until now just how much her face was changing, and she was looking more and more like a woman instead of a child.
She looked just like Charlotte.
“I’m okay,” she whispered, her hands reaching up to squeeze my wrists. “You?”
“Me too.”
I sucked in a ragged breath and looked past her at the others who were patiently waiting for us.
“You ready to do this?” I questioned, trying to get a feel for how she felt about it.
She nodded, her chest still as she held the breath that she had just taken.
I bent down and picked up the folder, brushing it off. We walked over to where they were waiting for us and gave quick hugs.
“Does anyone want to start?” John asked, looking between us.
I knew that each of us had prepared something special that we wanted to say to Charlotte, but I didn’t know who should go first. I noticed the pain on Alice’s face for the first time since the funeral and my heart twisted inside my chest.
Lily was crying hard, trying to wipe her tears away before more could fall.
John and I looked at each other as if silently questioning which one of us should go first.
I cleared my throat and moved to the side, standing in front of them as if on a stage.
“I wrote a letter to Charlotte that I would like to read out loud.” My voice was stronger than I thought it would be, giving me the courage to get through this. I inhaled deeply, the way I had been learning in yoga, and started.
“When I was a little girl, I thought I had a perfect life. I didn’t have many friends, but I had the best parents that anyone could ever ask for, and I was lucky enough to have them as my best friends. When they died, you were there for me. You stepped in and became my new best friend without any questions asked. You didn’t know me that well, but you decided right then and there that I was worthy of your friendship.
“Throughout the years, you continued to amaze me with your generosity and how selfless you were. If someone needed something, you were the first to volunteer to help out. When you found out that I didn’t have a date to the senior prom, you dumped yours and went stag with me, so I didn’t have to go alone. Over the years, you’ve been there for me every single step of the way, and I never imagined that I would lose you.
“My heart broke the day that you died, and it hasn’t been the same since. I’ve tried to walk in your path and be the kind, loving, and caring person that you were, but I’ve found that it’s hard to do that when you’re missing a huge part of who you are. You had such a profound impact on me that I don’t know what to do without you. It’s been a year, and I feel as lost as I was the day that it happened. It feels like standing in the darkness and screaming for someone to come find you, but they can’t.
“I know that I can never repay you for everything that you did for me over the years, but I can promise you that I will always treasure the memories that we made together. I will strive to be the best person I can be, and I’ll always find a way to help those who need it. But most of all, I will love and take care of those who you love the most—your family. I promise you that you never have to worry about them because I will be there for them like you were always there for me.”
I felt the tears rush down my face as a loud sob escaped my throat.
“I know that I’ve let you and everyone else down these past few months, and I’m sorry. I walked away when they needed me the most because I didn’t know how to be strong for them. I thought they were better off without me, and maybe they are, but I know that I’m not who I want to be without them. I need them in my life as much as I needed you.”
I lowered the paper and covered my face as I cried. I felt John’s hands as they pulled me into him and held me as I cried. Charles went next with a beautiful memory of their first camping trip and how Charlotte had made sure that they didn’t put their tent over the line of ants that were trying to get back to their home. Even at a young age, she had a tender heart and was concerned about others.
Everyone was crying, which made it hard to stop crying as we talked about how much we missed her. John’s message was short and sweet, and I knew that there were plenty of things that he would say to her later when he was alone.
Lily was the last one, and I wasn’t sure that she wanted to go through with it. John’s hand rested lightly on her shoulder, letting her know that he was there if she needed him. She cleared her throat and looked up at me.
“When my mom died, I didn’t really understand what it meant. I knew that she wouldn’t physically be there anymore, but I didn’t know how to deal with the emotional part of it. There were so many times when something would happen, and I wanted to go to her for help, but she wasn’t there. And then I would feel sad all over again, but then Emma would find me, and she always knew the right things to say to make me feel better.
“Mom, I know that you’re in heaven and that you probably can’t hear us, but I want you to know that I’m okay. I miss you so much that it still hurts, and I cry a lot. But I know that you can’t come back, so I try to be strong like daddy and Aunt Emma were when you died. You always said that if I were feeling sad or scared, to look for the person who was smiling if you weren’t around—they would be the one to help me.”
She stopped for a moment and choked back her sobs as she looked at me.
“For a while, that was always Aunt Emma. Whenever I needed her, she was always smiling and would make me feel better. I knew that I could go to her and she would make it okay. Like when I wanted to finish our blanket or when I turned into a lady on vacation. She didn’t freak out. She just smiled and made me feel like it was alright.” She gave John an obvious wink, teasing him about how much he hated when she talked about her period.
I felt my heart swell in my chest. I knew how much these little things had meant to me, but I never knew that they had made such an impact on her.
“Things are different now, and I’m trying really hard to be strong and to find the person who is smiling, but it never feels the same. I think this just means that I’m growing up and that I have to be stronger and less scared. So, I just wanted to tell you that I’m trying, mom, and I won’t let you down.”
The sound of crying filled the air around us as a gentle breeze passed through us, gently blowing Lily’s hair out of her face.
“I love you too, mom,” she whispered, her eyes closed as she cried.
I was thankful that I had taken the rest of the day off, knowing that I wouldn’t be in any shape to go back to work. And I was right. This was emotionally draining as we spent an hour sitting in the grass, sharing stories about her and how much we loved her.
It was getting late and a little too cold to be sitting in the grass, so we packed up and agreed to meet up tomorrow for lunch before they flew back to New Jersey on Sunday. Alice and Charles had already climbed into the truck with Lily while John walked the short distance with me to my car.
“Do you have dinner plans tonight?” he asked as we stood by the driver’s side door. I glanced down at my cell phone that was still sitting in the middle console and debated what to say.
“I have a date,” I said nervously. I wasn’t sure why I felt nervous about it, but the look that flashed across his face made the anxiety even stronger.
“A date? I didn’t know you were seeing anyone,” he replied tightly.
“It’s not serious, but I’ve been seeing him for a few weeks.”
“A few weeks, and you didn’t bother mentioning it during any of the numerous times we’ve talked?”
“Just like you didn’t tell me about Celia at Christmas?” I folded my arms over my chest and glared at him. Suddenly, I was feeling the anger build up inside of me from his smug reaction.
“There was nothing to tell. We went on a few dates.”
“You invited her to your house to open presents with your family on Christmas morning.” I raised my brows.
“It’s a small town in New Jersey, Emma. It’s the nice thing to do,” he countered, widening his stance next to me.
“Well, either way. You were seeing someone, and now I’ve gotta go, or I’m going to be late for my date.”
“Cancel it. Please.”
“What?”
“I asked you to cancel it.”
“John, you’re acting crazy. I’m not going to cancel my date.”
In all honesty, I was planning to cancel it the moment I got in the car. Not because he told me to, but because I knew I wouldn’t be great company tonight given everything that was rushing through my head.
“Please. Just cancel the date, Emma. For me?”
I was so lost and confused. What was happening?
“Why?”
“Because I asked you to. I want to take you to dinner tonight so we can talk.”
The way he said it sent an immediate flashback through my head about the other times that he told me that we needed to talk. The first one was after our kiss in Taos that he immediately regretted. The second time was when he broke the news that they were packing up and moving to New Jersey.
“John, I don’t think there’s anything that we need to talk about,” I whined, already feeling too exhausted for this. “Can’t we just talk tomorrow? We can meet up before lunch if you want to talk in private. Just not tonight.”
“Is he that important to you?”
“What?” It took me a moment to figure out what he was asking. “It’s been a long, exhausting day. I’ve been up since three-thirty and have been going non-stop since. I just don’t have it in me to sit down and talk about whatever it is that is bothering you.”
I felt regret the moment the words touched my lips. Here I had just promised Charlotte an hour ago that I would always take care of her family, yet I wouldn’t give John my time or attention right now to talk about whatever was weighing on his mind.
“I’m sorry,” I quickly apologized. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I’m just tired and getting cranky.”
I knew that they were likely watching us from the truck and didn’t want to keep them waiting.
“You should get going. I’m sure Lily wants to get back to the hotel so she can rest.”
“I didn’t finish reading what I had written in my letter to Charlotte earlier.”
“Okay,” I said nervously as he stepped closer to me, pinning me against the car without touching me. “I can walk back to the grass with you if you want to keep talking to her,” I offered.
His body was close enough that I could feel the heat radiating off of it, shielding me from the cold.
“Right here is fine.” His voice was low. He took another small step toward me, invading more of what little space I had around me.
“When I made my vows to Charlotte, I promised to never love another woman, for as long as we both shall live. We never got around to talking about what we would want for the other if something were to happen to one of us, probably because we didn’t think that something would happen. But the funny thing about Charlotte is that she was always prepared for everything.
“When I started unpacking at the new house, I came across a letter that she had written that was in a sealed envelope and paperclipped to our marriage license. Imagine my surprise when I found that it wasn’t just her wishes for what she would want to happen to Lily if anything ever happened to her, but for me too.”
My breaths felt shallow as I hung on to every word, wondering what she wrote. Was it an older letter? Would anything have changed from then to what she would have wanted now?
“The letter was from last year, shortly before the accident, believe it or not,” he laughed as if reading my thoughts. “And organized with very clear bullet points.”
I found myself laughing, knowing that was in Charlotte’s true nature.
“Long story short, she wanted for me to find someone that I would fall in love with and who would be the perfect mom for Lily. Someone who would put their own needs aside to take care of her daughter’s. Someone who loves to laugh and is always up for an adventure. Someone that will keep me on my toes and get me back in line if I start drifting in the wrong direction.”
He paused and pushed a heavy breath out, chewing nervously on his lip.
“Someone who will be my best friend above anything else and who I can’t imagine my life without her.”
I felt the pain stab in my chest when I realized that he must have found someone else. It sure sounded like it by the conviction in his voice as he proudly recited what she wanted for him.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll find the perfect woman,” I said shakily, turning to reach for the door handle.
His hand reached down and stopped me, holding my hand in place to keep from opening it.
“I already have.”
I felt the air rush out of me and worried that my legs would give at any moment. This was too much. First, the fresh feelings of grief after talking about Charlotte, and now this.
“I’m happy for you,” I lied, avoiding his eyes as they tried to lock onto mine.
He gently pinched the end of my chin and guided my face back to him.
“It’s you, Emma. It’s always been you.”
Okay, now I was really confused. What the hell was he talking about?
“John, what are you—”
He placed a finger over my lips and shushed me.
“You don’t get to fight me on it, not today. Not ever.”
I waited until he moved his finger before I tried to speak again.
“You were the first to admit that the kiss was a mistake. You’ve said it yourself that you’re not ready to date. How is any of that different now?”
He stepped back and took a steadying breath.
“I don’t know, Emma. It just is. I can’t explain it, but I sure as hell know that no matter how hard I try, I can’t get you out of my head. I think about you every waking minute of the day and wonder whether you’re happy here or if you’re just as miserable without us.”
Butterflies flutter in my stomach at the thought that he’s been as unhappy as I’ve been without them.
“Of course I’ve missed you guys, John. I’ve said so plenty of times.”
“Do you still love me?”
I paused, too afraid to answer the question. Even with as much therapy as I had already been through, nothing could help with the automatic instinct I felt whenever I talked about love.
“I’m not capable of love, John.”
I turned and looked away, refusing to meet his eyes that were desperately searching mine for an answer.
“Bullshit.”
I stepped away from the car toward him, pulling my shoulders back. I needed to say what I had to say and get the hell out of there before I did something that I would regret.
“You deserve someone who will give you their whole heart, John, and that someone isn’t me. My heart hasn’t been whole for a long time. It’s cracked in so many places that I fear it will shatter if I try to love again, and that’s a pain that I know I can’t handle.”
Satisfied that I was able to be open and honest with him, I turned to get into my car. His hand reached out and grabbed me, spinning me back to him as he wrapped his arms around my waist and held onto me.
“Emma, it’s okay to be broken as long as you have someone strong enough to hold you together.”
He leaned forward and planted his lips over mine, kissing me softly as his words melted my heart.