Finn sat on the deck in the darkness nursing a beer.
He liked the night. Liked the blackness broken by the scattering of stars, liked how they glittered like jewels against the sky, undimmed by any city lights. And he liked how quiet it was here. How he could hear nothing but the crickets, a distant morepork calling, and the sound of Karl’s claws on the wood as the dog came over and put his head in Finn’s lap, as if Finn needed comforting.
Which was ridiculous, because he didn’t.
He’d come straight from seeing Beth at the gallery to his house, needing to be in solitude and quiet to escape the damn noise in his head.
She was probably going to move out, and he was okay with that. He’d come to some equilibrium of having her in the house, of balancing her and Sheri, and it had worked for the past couple of weeks. But he couldn’t ask her to stay, not after their talk.
He wasn’t sure where that left them with the child, but he’d figure it out.
A heavy, dark feeling coiled in his gut, telling him he was a liar, that he needed her and she needed him, and was he really going to let her walk away?
He ignored it. He’d made his choice. Being alone was easier, less complicated, and it required nothing at all of him emotionally, which was what he’d preferred all along.
No, you don’t, you damn idiot.
The thought irritated him, so he ignored it, scratching Karl behind the ears. The dog’s head whipped up all of a sudden and he turned, looking into the blackness. There was no barking, but abruptly he took off down the driveway.
Finn stared after him, puzzled. Until Chase’s tall figure appeared, striding up the slope, Karl trotting along behind him.
Tension crawled along Finn’s back. Shit. Looked like his brother was in full-blown protector mode.
He got to his feet as Chase stormed up the steps to the house, coming to a stop in front of him, glaring furiously.
“What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?” Chase demanded straight out. “I have one upset fiancée, one upset daughter, and Beth, who should be upset, trying to make sure my fiancée and daughter are okay.”
That was very Beth, wanting to make sure other people were okay, even when she was the one who should be upset.
And what are you doing? Sitting on your deck having a beer after you flung her love back in her face.
Guilt shifted inside him. He ignored it and the pulsing ache in his chest.
“What do you mean, what am I doing? This is about Beth, I take it?”
“Of course it’s about Beth,” Chase growled. “She came out of the gallery, watched the rest of the movie, and then when Izzy asked her why she looked so pale afterward, she dissolved into tears.”
Finn gripped his beer bottle so tight it was a wonder it didn’t snap in two. “She told me that she was in love with me,” he gritted out. “And I told her that I couldn’t return the feeling. That’s it.”
Chase’s gaze narrowed into thin, sharp slivers of iron. “What goddamn bullshit. Of course you can return the feeling, you dick. You were in love with her the moment she appeared.”
He’s right. That’s why you could never be friends with her. That’s why you had to push her away.
Finn ignored the thought and the raw ache in his chest. “No, I’m not. I wanted her, Chase. That’s it. It was entirely physical, nothing more.”
“Again, I call bullshit. You’ve been running around after her, doing things for her, wanting to support her and marry her, fluffing your fucking nest in preparation for her to sit in it.”
This time anger came to the rescue. “It’s about the kid, Chase,” he growled back. “That’s it. There’s nothing more to it than that, okay?”
“If it were just about the kid, you wouldn’t be sleeping with her every night, which is apparently what you’ve been doing.”
“Yeah, and?” Finn took a step, getting in his brother’s face. “What business is it of yours anyway?”
“It’s my business because I can’t stand seeing my brother finally getting something good happening in his life and then throwing it away for no apparent reason,” Chase shot back. “Beth is an amazing woman. She’s good for you and I think you know that. She’s perfect for you—”
“I don’t care what she is,” Finn interrupted sharply. “Don’t you get it? I loved Sheri. I had the best marriage with Sheri. She was all I ever wanted and now there’s someone else and I…” He stopped, breathing fast and hard, his whole body vibrating with the force of an emotion he didn’t understand. He’d told Beth loving her was a choice and he’d made that choice. He didn’t want to love her. He didn’t.
But all the words were sounding weirdly hollow, like justifications, like excuses.
He took a breath, trying to get some air into his lungs. “You don’t understand. What happens if I’m happier with her than I was with Sheri? Does my marriage to Sheri then matter at all? Was it a mistake? If I fall in love with Beth, is she the love of my life instead of Sheri?” He took another step, his heart pounding, struggling to articulate all the doubts suddenly crowding in. “Will I forget her, Chase? If I fall in love with Beth, does that mean Sheri doesn’t matter anymore?”
Chase didn’t move. “No, and I think you know that, Finn,” he said gruffly. “That’s all bullshit, just excuses. Loving someone else doesn’t mean Sheri didn’t matter and it doesn’t cancel out your marriage. You were a different person then. Sheri was perfect for you when you married her, and Beth is perfect for you now, you bloody idiot. Can’t you see that?”
“It’s not about me,” he shot back, though something inside him whispered that that was a lie. “This is about not wanting to tie Beth to a relationship where she doesn’t get what she needs. And it’s about protecting her—”
“No it isn’t,” Chase said sharply. “You think I don’t know what you’re doing? I did the same goddamn thing when the shit hit the fan with Izzy. I thought I was protecting her, but I wasn’t. I was protecting myself.”
He’s right. Because it’s easier to do that than it is to risk your heart again.
Well, wasn’t he right to protect himself? Hadn’t he been through enough? Didn’t he deserve something easy for once? Something that didn’t hurt?
“You’re shit-scared,” Chase went on, his silver gaze roaming over Finn. “Don’t think I can’t see that. And I get it. You lost Sheri and I know you’re grieving. I know it hurts. But she’d have no patience for this crap. She’d tell you to pull your head out of your ass, stop building a shrine for her, stop standing vigil, and go and be happy.”
The barb struck home, because of course Sheri would say that. She’d tell him he was being ridiculous. Tell him he was being too sentimental.
She did always want you to be happy, remember?
He did remember, especially those last moments. He’d held her hand and she’d given him the most lovely smile. “Stop looking so sad,” she’d said. “I’ll be okay. But I want you to be happy, okay? Promise me?”
He had. He’d promised her, all the while knowing he’d never be happy again.
So what good is that promise when you never meant to keep it?
He couldn’t stand the look in his brother’s eyes, couldn’t stand the way his thoughts kept circling, so he turned away, walking blindly down the steps and heading to the edge of the flat lawn, where the ground sloped down into the bush, where the bath was.
He stopped, staring unseeing into the darkness.
“How can I do that?” he said, sensing his brother nearby. “Losing her nearly killed me and I can’t…I don’t want to do it again.”
“I don’t know.” Chase’s voice was flat. “I got no advice for you about that. All I know is that loving someone else doesn’t mean you stop loving Sheri. Love doesn’t work that way.”
“I don’t know if I can go through that again.”
“Then figure it out, dumbass,” Chase said impatiently. “Because you know what? You were right, it is about her. And Beth deserves better.”
It took Finn a long while to realize that Chase had gone and that he was standing alone in the dark with the outdoor bath in front of him.
That stupid bath.
Sheri had wanted it put in, then had taken one bath in it and decided she didn’t like it and hadn’t gone in it again.
Beth wanted to use it. She’d love it.
She would. He could see her loving sitting in the warm water and looking out over the bush, washing that beautiful hair of hers.
He looked down at the bath, his heart twisting around in his chest. Hell, he’d made that damn bath a holy relic to a woman who hadn’t even liked it. Just as he’d turned the cabin into a big deal by never visiting, so he couldn’t see Beth in Sheri’s place. Never talking about Sheri, guarding her memory jealously.
But no, it wasn’t her memory he was guarding, was it?
It was himself. It was his heart.
Chase was right, Sheri would be appalled at him. She’d never had any patience with his intensity, and she’d be horrified at him not wanting Beth to use the bath because of her. A waste, she would have said. She would have been happy to see it being used, just like she’d love to see Beth using her cabin.
She would have been happy to see him using his heart too.
Be happy, she’d told him.
So why aren’t you honoring the promise you made to her?
Finn went very still, his breathing fast. You’re shit-scared, Chase had told him. And yeah, he was. He could admit that now.
He was scared of loss, scared of pain. Scared of risking his heart again.
Well, and who wasn’t? Who’d choose to throw themselves into that fire again willingly?
Beth did.
The breath left his body in a sudden rush because it was true. Beth had. Even after losing her baby and her partner, even after experiencing depression, she hadn’t chosen to lock herself away as he had; she’d chosen to come to New Zealand. To find happiness for herself.
She’d chosen to love him. And even when he’d flung it back in her face, she hadn’t walked away. She’d told him she’d be here for him if he ever changed his mind.
Her courage and quiet strength made a mockery of everything he’d thrown at her, all those stupid excuses. Everything he’d believed about keeping his heart to himself and remaining strong.
It’s hard to reach out, to make yourself vulnerable…
That’s what she’d said, and she was right—it was hard. But she’d done it. She’d made herself vulnerable; she’d let him in.
Only for you to fling it back in her face.
Pain splintered in his chest. Goddamn, what an asshole he was. What a selfish, self-absorbed asshole. He’d given her nothing but excuses, while she’d given him honesty. She’d given him love.
Finn took a ragged, painful breath and stared at the stars glittering overhead.
Could he give her that back? Could he make the choice to love her?
It’s too late to choose, you dumb idiot. You already love her. You loved her the moment you first met her.
He felt something moving through him then, something wild and passionate and hot. Familiar but different, because love wasn’t the same this time around. It wasn’t new, and he was older, with more life experience. Yet it was just as powerful, just as intense.
Yes. He loved her. He loved Beth. She was the light in his life, and he’d craved it. But it was a different craving to the one he’d had for Sheri. That had been new and wondrous. First-time love.
That love was still there. He’d always have it, he could see that now. He wouldn’t lose it. She would always be with him. He felt it in his heart, in his bones. She wasn’t in that bath or in the cabin, and she wasn’t in that hairbrush he still kept in his drawer. She was in his heart, and while he loved her, he’d never lose her. Because love…love was immortal like that.
Yet he had a future ahead of him, a future that she wouldn’t be part of, and he suspected she wouldn’t want to be part of it anyway. Because this was his future. His and Beth’s.
Finn stood there for a long moment. Then he shook himself and went into the house and up the stairs to his bedroom. And he pulled open the drawer and took out the hairbrush.
Sheri’s hairbrush with strands of blond hair still caught in the bristles.
He’d kept it for some reason he now couldn’t fathom, because she wasn’t there in that brush either. But he picked it up and took it downstairs, out into the night.
He stood on the deck and carefully pulled loose a strand of gold hair and held it up between his fingers. Then he opened his fingers and let it go.
“I’ve fallen in love again, Sheri,” he said quietly to the night and the spirit of the woman he’d loved and still did. “And she’s not like you.” He pulled another strand loose and set it free to drift in the night air. “But I think you’d really like her.” He pulled the last strand free. “I know I could be happy with her. So what do you say? Shall I do it?”
The night didn’t say a word, but he didn’t need it to.
He knew the answer in his heart already.
Be happy, Sheri had told him.
Perhaps it was time to do what she said for a change.
Finn let loose the final strand of hair and watched it drift away. Then he put down the hairbrush, walked down the steps, and set about making some preparations.
***
“You know men are really terrible,” Izzy said. “And I include Chase in this sometimes too.”
Beth was sitting on the couch on Izzy and Chase’s deck, trying not to think about how it reminded her of sitting out on Finn’s deck with him.
She felt bruised and sore, like her heart had been ripped out of her chest, but fundamentally, she knew she’d be okay.
She hadn’t wanted to cry in front of Izzy and Indigo, but she hadn’t been able to help it when they’d asked her what was wrong. And instantly she’d been surrounded by warm, feminine comfort. She hadn’t had that before, and it felt good, so she’d let herself have it.
What Finn would do now was anyone’s guess, and she wasn’t sure what would happen if he was serious about not marrying her. She would go on, though. Because this was only heartbreak. It wasn’t grief or the black pit of depression. And this time she wasn’t alone. She had her friends—hell, she had the whole town—to help her through it.
“They are,” she replied, wishing the chamomile tea Indigo had thrust into her hands was whisky instead, because she could sure use it now. “I hate them.”
“Me too,” Indigo said in solidarity. “They’re the worst.”
“And Finn Kelly is the worst of them,” Beth added.
“He is,” Izzy agreed.
“Stupid Levi comes a close second,” Indigo muttered.
“Beth?” The voice was deep, male, and utterly unwelcome.
The three women turned to see Finn standing at the bottom of the steps in front of Chase’s house, staring at them.
Izzy stood up, frowning furiously at him. “You’re not allowed here, Finn Kelly. Why don’t you go back home?”
Beth’s throat had closed, because he was looking at her intensely and for the first time there was nothing guarded in his expression. Every emotion was laid bare for her to see.
He didn’t look at Izzy. “Beth, I want to talk to you. Please.”
“Why?” She didn’t move. “Have you come to a decision? Because if you have—”
“I was wrong,” he interrupted quietly but very firmly. “I gave you a whole bunch of excuses about what I could and couldn’t give you, but in the end, it was all bullshit.”
A shiver whispered over her skin, her eyes filling with tears. “What do you mean?”
“I was protecting myself because I was afraid. Afraid of loving you and what it would mean, and how it would affect my memories of Sheri… God, it was so much crap.” He took a breath. “Losing her hurt…it hurt a lot, and I didn’t want to open myself up to that kind of pain again, but…” His black eyes burned. “You did. You opened yourself up to me and to the town, even after everything you went through. You showed me what true bravery is, Bethany Grant, and I can’t…shit, I can’t let that go.” He took a step toward her. “Because the truth is, honey, love was never a choice when it came to you. I’ve been in love with you from the moment I met you.”
The breath caught in Beth’s throat, her vision flooding with tears.
“Well,” Indigo said. “That’s quite the speech.”
Finn didn’t even blink. “Beth, you’re my sunshine. You light up the dark places inside me. You’re strong and understanding and generous and caring. You’re brave and beautiful. Sheri wanted me to be happy, and I know I can be. But I can only be happy with you.”
Beth took a ragged breath and got to her feet and found herself almost running down the steps to him. Because how could she hold back after that?
She couldn’t. She didn’t want to.
She’d told him she’d be here for him, and she was. She always would be.
Finn held out his hand to her, oddly formal. “Please, come with me. I want to show you something.”
Perhaps it was a mistake. Perhaps she shouldn’t have believed him. But he was here and she couldn’t refuse.
Izzy made shooing motions, looking a bit misty-eyed, while Indigo gave her a big thumbs-up. So Beth took his hand and he led her back up the driveway to his house. Then, strangely, over to the outdoor bath that was full of hot water and was steaming gently. There were rose petals floating in it.
“Sheri wanted an outdoor bath,” Finn said. “So I made her one. She had one bath in it, then decided she hated it and never used it again.” He glanced at her, his gaze full of intensity, the door to his heart wide-open now, letting her see everything. “She’d be horrified if it was never used though. She’d want it to be enjoyed, and so would I.” He lifted Beth’s hand, grazing a kiss over her knuckles. “I’ll always love Sheri. She’ll always be part of me. But my future is with you, if you want to share it with me.”
Tears were falling down Beth’s cheeks, but she didn’t stop them. Instead, she reached up and cupped Finn’s cheek with her hand. “Of course she’s part of you. Sunny is part of me. We don’t lose them. We loved them, and because we did, we get to keep them forever. Love is the best way to remember, don’t you think?”
Finn smiled and not just a half smile this time, but a full-on, blinding, joyous one that dazzled her completely.
Turned out that when Finn Kelly smiled, the entire planet lit up.
“Did you just read my mind?” he asked. “Because I was just thinking that very thing.”
“I can, you know,” she said, teasing just a bit. “You should watch those thoughts of yours.”
He laughed and pulled her in close. “Take your clothes off, honey, and let’s have a bath. I have a couple of other thoughts to share with you.”
And he did, and much to her delight, they were suitably filthy ones.
But afterward, as she leaned back in his arms in the warm water of the bath, and they both stared up at the stars glittering in the sky, they shared other thoughts, deeper thoughts. Secrets and truths and futures. And the hidden depths of their souls.
It was going to be a good life, she knew.
It was going to be the life she’d always dreamed of.
And it was going to start right here, right now.
With him.