Chapter 9

Quin

After I bring the horses into the stables, and help mama tidy up from earlier, I say goodbye to my brothers and Rachel, and decide that I feel like having supper with her; just her and I. “What do you feel like, mama? Shall I fire up the barbecue? Have burgers and salad?”

“That sounds great, Quin. I’ll go grab some meat from the freezer.”

“I’ll get it.” I wave, walking down the steps. We start preparing the food and mama looks at me, like there’s something on her mind. “What’s going on in there, old girl?”

She scoffs warmly. “Careful. I can spike your burger, kid.”

I wink.

“Whitney seemed unsettled today, Quin. Did I read her right?”

“Trinity’s biological father isn’t a match for her for a kidney donor. I had to tell Whitney that today.”

“Ah. Poor thing. I bet you she’s beside herself.”

“She’s a strong woman, mama. She can get through it. I’ll get her through it and see that that child gets the best kidney I can find her and as fast as I can.”

“I saw a look on your face today that I’ve not seen before, Quin.” Mama states, and I look at her in between chopping up the cucumber for the salad.

“Oh yeah? What look was that?”

“Your hand never left hers almost all day, son.”

“It’s just a comfort thing, mama. After telling her the bad news, I felt like she needed it.”

“It’s more than that, Quin.” Mama says warmly. “After all these years, I think that you’re in love with her, baby.”

I glance at mama quickly, but then place my focus back on the cucumber. I’m not sure what to say. Even if I am in love with her, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Mama continues. “And she feels the same for you.”

“Oh yeah. You think so.” I say conversationally.

“Have you told her how you feel, Quin?”

“No.” I shake my head. “She won’t…she won’t let me in, mama.”

“She’s not waiting for Trinity’s daddy to come back, is she?”

“Hell, no. He’s married and with two kids of his own.” I explain. “You could cut the tension in the room with a knife when she saw him.” I lick my lips. “There’s too much hurt there, mama.”

“What happened out there today, Quin?”

I draw in a deep breath, thinking how I can explain this without it coming off that I took advantage. “I…after we jumped down the hayloft, you know, I kissed her. She didn’t like it very much and said so.” Mama waits, knowing that I have more to say. “I apologized and all, and we moved on. But then, like an idiot, I kissed her again when we were out riding.”

“But that time it was different.” Mama guesses.

“It was. She says that Trinity’s all that she wants to focus on right now.” I look at mama. “And I’m all for that, mama. The last thing I want is to break her focus. That little girl means everything to that woman, and I told her so, that I get it, that I understand.”

“And that’s why she loves you.” Mama states. “Because even though you tried twice, you still respect her, and that’s what she needs right now, Quin. Understanding, support and respect. You give her all those things, and don’t for a second feel guilty for kissing a woman that you love, especially when she loves you back. Don’t give up on her, son. She’s there and she’s not going anywhere.”

“I’ll…never give up on either one of them, mama. I told her as much.”

“You’re a good boy, Quin. You and Whitney deserve each other.”

“Thanks, mama.”

Mama puts the knife down and embraces me for a few moments, and then pats my back and releases me. “So, what’s next? Are you going to keep up with the donor clinic?”

“Of course, mama. But I’ve been thinking, and I have another idea in mind, that I’m pursuing.”

“What’s the idea?”

“I don’t want to jinx it, mama, so I don’t want to say right now.”

“Well, that’s fair.” She nods. “Good luck to you, whatever it is.”

“Thanks.”

Mama changes the subject. “Isn’t Rachel a doll? I thought I would burst when she told us that the wedding’s in a couple of weeks.”

“She is a doll. And Chad’s so happy with her. Y’all think they’ll start up their own legal firm, or do you think they’ll stay put in Chad’s?”

“Oh, I think with the baby coming, that they have their hands full enough, love. They’ll both work at Chad’s firm for now, anyway. Any support they need, we’ll give them, mind. But it’s a huge undertaking starting up a business, and with a baby on the way, I think it’s too much.”

“I agree, mama.”

“Hey, where’s Chuck gone to?”

“Oh, he went with Chad to look at something for the wedding. You know those two. They’re like two peas in a pod.”

“They are.” I snuffle a laugh.

“Are you going to ask Whitney to dance with you at the wedding?”

“I hadn’t thought of that, but I sure will.”

“Good. You want my opinion, I think all that woman needs is to let her hair down for once. She’s lived a hard life and probably hasn’t kicked up her heels in a long time.”

“She had fun today with the horses.”

“Don’t discount yourself, dear, that’s my point.”

“What, you think she had fun because of me?”

“I don’t think it, I know it.”

“Then I’ll be sure to dance with Whitney.”

“You better.” Mama mock warns. “Or you’ll be slopping the stable.”

 

***

 

Punching the desk, I feel frustration bubble up inside me. The donor bank fell through, and the other idea I had, from an offshore donor bank, also fell through. It feels like I’m banging my head up against a wall every time. Looking at Trinity’s bloodwork from last week, it shows that her numbers are going up again, which means that she’ll have to come back for dialysis twice again in the coming weeks. She’s nine years old now, and growing like a weed, which only makes it harder on her kidneys. A donor is her only hope.

It seems like she’s running out of time, and God strike me dead if I have to tell Whitney that, I think I’d rather die first than let her down. As I look through Trinity’s records, for the thousandth time, looking for what, I don’t know, something hits me. Something I don’t know why it never occurred to me before. And I mentally smack myself for overlooking one very important fact. My hand can’t find my phone fast enough when realization hits, and I begin feverishly looking for a colleague’s number.

After speaking with him, he agrees to help me out with this somewhat unorthodox task, and follow up with me when he knows anything. My heart pounds, my temples throb, and I don’t know if I can hold out for as long as it’s going to take before I have an answer. But it seems like this is somewhat of my last shred of hope for a while. It isn’t often that the donor clinic alerts me of a potential kidney donor. In fact, the last one I had was the first one. All the other donations were from before this bank existed.

I cross my fingers, say a prayer, and hope like hell that I don’t crack before I get an answer. Trinity is in for her dialysis treatment, and Girdie alerts me that she’s just about wrapped up, so I run down to the dialysis department, and there she is, sitting in a hospital bed. Whitney is sitting in a chair next to her. They’re both reading books. It seems like Whitney’s been reading the same damn book for over a year, and my hearts sinks when I open the door. Trinity’s face is still pale and sullen. Before I even look at her numbers on the chart, I know that one treatment this week isn’t going to cut it.

“Hey, sugar. How are you feeling?” I ask Trinity, even though I know the answer.

“She’s awful pale, Quin.”

I look at her numbers and nod, pursing my lips. “Yeah, I know. Looks like we’re going to have to do two treatments this week. You’re growing like a weed, sugarplum, and your kidneys can’t keep up.”

“Is there any medication that you can give her to help?”

I sit next to Whitney and take her hand in mine. “Unfortunately, no. But the good news is that her blood counts are good. All that spinach and liver she’s eating is paying off. So at least she won’t have to have any more transfusions, for this week, anyway.”

“Well, that is good news.” Whitney agrees. “Can she go to school?”

I look at Trinity. “What do you think, Trin? Do you want to go to school?” I always arrange to have her dialysis treatments after school, so both Whitney and Trinity don’t miss out on work or school.

“Can I?”

“As long as you feel up to it.” I give her a smile.

“Mama?” Trinity asks.

“Yes, baby.”

“Do I have to go to this wedding next weekend?”

“Not if you don’t want to, sweetheart. Would you rather stay with Meemaw or Uncle Peter?”

“Yes. Uncle Peter promised me we would play with me and my dollhouse, and he’s not been home for a week.”

“I thought Peter was only doing short hauls.” I comment, curiously.

“They’re short staffed. One of the drivers had to have his gall bladder out, so they’ve had to divide up his trips.”

“Oh, okay.” I nod.

“And Uncle Peter promised that I could have a sleepover with my friends, too.” Trinity adds.

“Well, then, I’ll make sure you get your sleepover the night that I’m at the wedding.”

“Can we sleep in your room?”

“And where am I going to sleep?”

I interject. “We have room in the guesthouse if you like. That way at least you don’t have to worry about driving home.”

“Alright, it’s settled then. I’ll stay over at Quin’s mama’s ranch so you can have a sleepover.” A pause. “Oh, wait. Isn’t Rachel’s family from El Paso going to need a place to stay?”

“There’s plenty of room still. We have the hand’s quarters, too, and some of them will be staying in Huttonville, with Laura and Grayson, Rachel’s brother and sister-in-law.”

“Oh, well, as long as there is room for me.”

“If not, I live three minutes away.” I offer. “I can walk to the ranch from my place. I have a guest room, too.”

“Okay.”

I grin. At least Whitney isn’t bristling over the idea of staying at my place. I did, after all, state that there is a guest room. I wouldn’t dream of alluding to her sleeping in my bed, with or without me in it. “I’ll set up your appointment for dialysis again later in the week and give you a shout, okay?”

“Sounds good, Quin. Thanks.” Whitney nods. Normally, I have Girdie or another assistant call other patients, but I’ve always made that call personally for Whitney and Trinity.

“I’ll see you both then.” I smile, giving Whitney’s hand a squeeze, rising from my chair. “Call if you need anything.”

“I will. Thanks.” Whitney says.

 

***

 

“So, you don’t want me up at the altar with you, bro?” I ask Chad, as we run through more wedding plans.

“No. There are too many siblings in both families, and we couldn’t decide who would be there with us as we say our vows, so we decided to have nobody. The photographer will take family photos and such, like at any other wedding, it’s just that it’s too hard to make a choice. Hawk, Rachel’s brother, is going to walk her down the aisle.”

“And where is everybody staying? Because I promised Whitney that she could stay, too.”

“Oh, not to worry. There will be plenty of room between our house, the ranches, and Kurt and Lisa’s place. We’ll figure it all out. And not everybody will be drinking, either, so we’ll have regular shuttle cars going back and forth as the night goes on.” Chad pauses. “Is Whitney bringing Trinity, too?”

“No, Whitney’s promised Trin a sleepover with her Uncle Paul and friends from school.” My turn to pause. “You nervous?”

“Nope.”

“What about Rachel?”

“Bro, we tackle the courtroom on a regular basis. Getting married is peanuts compared to that. Besides, it’s just a small ceremony with an officiant, nothing big. It’s a casual thing, too, which is what we wanted. The only things that will be fancy are Rachel’s dress, a floral archway, and a photographer.”

“You’re wearing a suit, right?”

“As are you.” He says, matter-of-factly.

“I wear a suit every day, man.”

“I mean a nice suit.”

I punch him in the arm.

“So, what’s the story with Whitney? Are you seeing her now?”

“No, and please don’t ever mention that again in any else’s company.”

He gives me a look. “What’s with the claws, man?”

“She’s not…ready…for anything relationship-wise.”

Chad nods. “I get it. With a sick kid. Totally.”

“Exactly.” Chad’s great. Out of all my brothers, he’s the one who gets me the most, aside from mama, that is. “But are you like, going to wait around forever for her, man? I mean, Trinity’s only nine. It’ll be at least another nine years until she’s out of the house. Can you hold out that long?”

I never considered that. “I don’t think it’s to do with her being all grown up as much as it’s about her being well.”

“True. Hey, are you having any luck finding her a kidney?”

I tell him about my latest endeavor, leaving out most of the details. “Shit, I hope you know what you’re doing, Quin.”

“If it pans out, I sure do. If it doesn’t, that poor little girl is going to have to live like this for an awful long time. She deserves better.”

“That’s true and all, I just hope this is all worth it.”

“It will be, my brother. Trinity’s been waiting eight years for a kidney, so she can have a normal life.”

“Well, my prayers are with you, Quin.”

“Thanks, man.”

 

***

 

Why I’m shaking I have no idea. Part of me is nervous for my brother, the first one in the Hedger clan to tie the knot, and the other part of me is excited because I get to see Whitney again, and this time not from the inside of a hospital. I’m in a navy-blue suit with a baby blue tie and shirt to match, and my mama polished my shoes until she could see her reflection in them. Lisa, Kurt’s wife, made an archway out of trellis. In fact, she boasts that she used it for her own wedding and in Laura and Grayson’s wedding.

It seems that the Thomas and Kelsey families are much more advanced by marriage than ours is. We have a lot of catching up to do, evidently. Lisa looks very pregnant, but I’m told that she’s not due for another month, and Laura’s baby is a doll. He’s little but he’s as cute as a button. The whole clan is here, and so is Rachel’s clan. It’s one big, happy family, today. When I see Whitney walk into the yard, I stand there and smile, drinking her in. She’s in a peach satin dress that flows to her ankles, with spaghetti straps and a neckline only low enough for a tiny bit of cleavage to peek out. Her shoes are dyed to match, and so is the little clip holding up one side of her long, flowing hair.

She’s stunning. It takes everything in me not to kiss her right there, as soon as she approaches me. “Well, I’ve seen you in all three types of attire now, Quin.” She grins. “You clean up nice.”

“You…” I tilt my head slightly, clucking my tongue. “You’re about as beautiful as an angel, darlin’.”

A shy smile crosses her face. I take her hand in mine. “You want to sit with me?”

“You don’t have to be up at the altar?”

“No, they decided against that, seeing as collectively, both of our families can form an army there’s so many of us.”

“I see.” She chuckles. “So this is all family?” she asks, looking around.

“Pretty much. Ten or twenty or so are friends of family, but that’s it.”

“And how is your brother holding up?” she asks as we take our seats up front.

“Good. He’s not even nervous. It’s almost creepy how calm he is.”

“I’m even a little nervous. I don’t see how he can’t be.”

“Exactly.”

A small stereo system is set up behind the altar, and it’s Chuck’s job to push play for instrumental music, when Chad comes to the altar, and when Rachel is delivered down the aisle by her brother, Hawk.

“I think they’re getting used to weddings in Rachel’s family. Rumor has it that her other brother, Kurt, just got married, and less than a month before that, Grayson got married, too.”

“Geez.” She laughs, but then she stifles it as Rachel comes down the aisle. My hand is in Whitney’s, and I get a shiver up my spine, as I allow myself to think about me and Whitney doing this some day. I love her. There is no doubt about it. To me, it’s just a matter of time. We sit in silence, watching Rachel and Chad take their vows. It’s a short ceremony, and mama is beaming with pride, dressed in her Sunday best, sitting a few seats down from us.

“It feels weird being here without Trinity.” Whitney whispers.

“She’s fine, love. Just enjoy yourself.” I stroke my finger down her hand, trying to relax her.

“Oh, she’s probably having even more fun than I am.” Whitney smiles.

“Yet.” I wiggle my brows.

After we pay our congratulations to my brother and his new wife, I walk over to the bar. “What’s your poison, darlin’? How about we have a drink together?”

“Oh, gosh. It’s been a long time since I drank, Quin.”

“Well, it’s a wedding, so it’s perfectly acceptable to have a glass of wine or two.”

“What do you like?” she asks me, tipping her chin up, almost flirtatiously.

“I’ll have whatever you’re having. I don’t have a preference.”

“White wine?”

“Sounds good to me.” I find a bottle of wine chilling in a cooler off to the side and open it. There are wine glasses that Lisa rented from a party company, off to the side, and I grab two, filling them three quarters of a way up, and I hand her one. As we clink our glasses together, she stops. “What do we toast?”

“To health.” I suggest.

She clinks her glass with mine again. “To health.”

We take a sip, just as Kurt, Rachel’s brother, comes up behind us. “Hey, hey. Sorry, I had to take a leak. I’m manning the bar.”

“That’s okay. We managed.”

“Okay, then leave a tip, and be on your way.” He jokes, gesturing with his fingers for us to leave.

“Oh, you have to be related to Rachel.” I scoff, chuckling.

“And Grayson, and Hawk, that brick building that walked Rachel down the aisle, and two more siblings hanging around here. My parents were busy.”

“Mine, too.” I agree. “I’ve got four brothers.”

“So I hear.” Kurt says, taking a swig of beer from an open bottle that was behind the counter.

“Aren’t you the one who’s having the baby soon?” Whitney asks, eying him downing the brew.

“Yep. But she’s having it, not me, and we’re not due for another month, which is why I asked to man the bar.”

We both laugh at him, as the DJ starts playing music, and we see mama and Chuck start bringing out food. The bride and groom are getting pictures taken by the altar and we keep watching them move from place to place, taking more photographs. I’m called over to take a few family shots, and I watch Whitney from off to the side. God, she’s a beautiful woman. I can’t take my eyes off her. Mama’s set up the pasture with lights intertwined through the bars, and they’ve opened it up, so it’s wide enough for a dance area. It’s full of people dancing and enjoying themselves.

When I’m finished with pictures, I walk back over to Whitney, who looks a little lost and lonely, off to the side, gazing at the crowd. “You okay, darlin’? You look about a million miles away.”

“I’m a bit of a wallflower.” She admits shyly. “I usually have to be way more drunk than this to dance, so I live vicariously.”

“You mean I’ve got to get you drunk to get you to dance?” I ask, feigning exasperation.

“I’m afraid so.” She purses her lips together.

“Naw, that’s crazy. Come on.” I take her hand in mine and pull her to the floor.

“No, really, Quin, I can’t dance.”

“Neither can I, darlin’, so we’ll both look just as stupid together.”

Turns out, we all look stupid, but it’s a hell of a fun time. The DJ is fantastic, playing a mix of things, so he plays something for everyone. Whitney and I dance to some harder stuff and some toe-tapping stuff, not caring how dumb we look, especially when Grayson, Rachel’s brother, takes off his tie and starts whipping it around his head like a lasso. Now, that’s tacky and it looks equally stupid, but we’re all having fun, so nobody cares.

Finally, a slow song comes on, and I pull Whitney close to me, without even asking. She comes to me without hesitation. “Well? It sure is fun looking stupid, isn’t it?” I ask her.

“It sure is. I never had so much fun making an ass out of myself.”

I laugh at her. “You didn’t make an ass out of yourself. No more than any of us did.”

She just smiles at me. I smile back. My hands are on the small of her back, and hers are on my shoulders. Our eyes are locked together, and I lean my forehead on hers. “You sure look beautiful.”

“Thank you. And you look very handsome.”

“Now, see, that’s not fair. You’ve seen me in a suit before.” I state. “I’ve…never seen you look like this. You take my breath away, darlin’.”

She brushes her fingers through the hair at the sides of my head, giving me a thrilling shiver down my spine, and I try to keep my focus by drawing in a deep breath. My hands stroke her back gently, and her fingers touch the hair at the nape of my neck, making me want to kiss her so bad I almost can’t stand it. So I won’t stare at her lips and kiss her again, I pull her closer, so we’re cheek-to-cheek, and sway to the music with her body against mine.

When the song is over, I take her hand in mine, and we walk over to the green area, where the twilight is just starting to peek its way through the trees in the back. “You want some more wine?”

“Sure, I’ll have another glass. If you are, that is.”

“I’m up for another one.”

But when we get to the bar, there’s only enough left for one glass. “Here, you take it, darlin’.” I offer.

“Are you sure?”

“Sure, I’m sure. I’ll grab a beer.”

Kurt grabs me a beer from the other cooler and hands it to me. Whitney and I clink glasses again, toasting once again to health. And I take a sip. She does too, and it’s like we’re watching each other. “You feel like dancing some more?” I ask her.

“Let’s take a breather for a while. They’re playing country music right now, and I just can’t deal with that.”

Mama approaches, carrying little baby Grant, Grayson and Laura’s boy. “Isn’t he a doll?” she says, with the baby cuddled right into her neck, asleep.

“He is, mama. I bet you can’t wait to have one of those around regularly again, huh.” I comment, rubbing the baby’s back.

“I just…I can’t believe I’m going to be a meemaw! I’m so excited I could burst!” she pauses to caress the baby’s head. “Are you two having fun?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Whitney answers honestly. “I’m having so much fun.”

“That’s great, honey. Are you staying over, darlin’? Because if you are, you best get your things into that guesthouse before someone steals your spot.”

“Oh, sure. I’ll go get my stuff now then.”

“Don’t worry, darlin’.” I say. “We can get it later, and if there’s no room, like I said before, I’ve got plenty of room at my place.”

“Sure, yes, why Quin here’s got a beautiful guest room.” Mama says. “I’ve stayed over once or twice myself.” She scratches her nose. “In fact, I think that all the Thomas boys have stolen the guesthouse, but I’m not sure. I saw them bring a case of beer back there before the wedding started, so I’m guessing that they took the whole lot.”

“I thought they were staying at the Kelsey Ranch.”

“I’m not sure. I think the Thomas boys just don’t want to be caught driving.” She gestures with her chin towards Grayson and Kurt’s brothers. They’re the loudest ones in the dance area, hooting and hollering, and carrying on, stone cold drunk for sure.

“Have they eaten anything yet, mama?”

“Don’t matter. They were drinking before the wedding, anyway. Y’all would think they’d be a little more respectful of Grayson, on account of him being a recovered alcoholic. But that’s between us, okay? Rachel made me promise not to say anything.”

“We won’t say anything, mama. Don’t worry.” I say, and a new song comes on, brightening Whitney’s face. “You like that song?”

“It’s one of my favorites.”

“You two go on now and dance. Have fun.” Mama says, beaming still, carrying the little baby around like a prize.

As we approach the dance area, all the ladies seem to love this song, so they’re all in a circle, dancing to the tune. Whitney joins in on their welcoming holler, and suddenly the area is filled with guests, dancing to this evidently popular tune. That song and the next, and two more following that one, are clearly fan favorites, as everyone is dancing, taking turns showing off in the center of the circle, and just having an all-around great time.

After all the dancing, I’ve worked up a sweat, so I remove my suit jacket and hang it over the chair, and then rejoin the group in the dance area. I’ve forgotten about my beer, as Whitney has also forgotten about her wine, but nobody seems to care. Chuck and the DJ are playing some great tunes, and then they move on to more participative songs, where we have to dance like chickens and follow certain movements, and it’s hilarious as hell. Whitney seems to be having the time of her life.

Then they start playing more popular country songs that we can all stomp to, and follow a simple dance, that some of the ladies seem to know. We follow in time together, and it’s great fun. Time seems to have stood still tonight, as the sun is going down, everyone’s happy and having fun, and the food is abundant and in buffet-style so anyone can eat whenever they want. It’s the perfect wedding, and I can’t help but make a mental note to myself to have me one of these some day.

Chuck announces that we’re going to take a short break so the bride and groom can cut the cake and do the garter and bouquet toss, so we all gather around them, taking pictures, hooting and hollering as Chad literally climbs up Rachel’s dress, and removes her garter with his teeth. I almost can’t watch, since my smartass brother, Devon, pushes Chad right up there, so we can see her underwear. Of course, all the men are hooting and hollering, and some women are whistling. It’s hilarious.

“Well, at least she’s got clean underwear on, anyway.” Whitney comments with a chuckle. “They should have an interesting wedding night to say the least.”

Chad is a little tipsy, but not as bad as my other brothers, and the Kelsey and Thomas clan. You would think that with all the weddings lately, that they’d had their fill. Not so much. When Chad tosses the garter into the air like a slingshot, Hawk, Rachel’s brother, catches it. He swirls it above his head, doing a drunken dance, and his mama slaps him playfully, chiding him, telling him to put it in his pocket for safekeeping. As Rachel rises to throw the bouquet, she yells for all the single gals to come closer.

I coax Whitney, gently pushing her from her waist, with my hands, and she takes a few steps closer. She looks back at me with this shy, unsure smile, and I’m not sure what to think of that. Is she embarrassed? Is she worried that people may read into an age-old, silly tradition, that whoever Whitney is with now, she’ll marry? But then again, technically, Whitney and I aren’t together, even though I think we both wish that we were. Hawk, being the smartass that he is, makes Rachel do a few turns, before she throws the bouquet, and at that, he removes his tie and uses it as a blindfold over his sister’s eyes.

“Are you done yet?” Rachel asks, feigning exasperation.

“One more turn.” Hawk teases.

“At this rate, one of the horses is going to catch it!” Mama shouts, which receives a few laughs.

When she finally throws it, it turns out to be a horrible throw, and it first lands on someone’s head, but then it ricochets, and lo and behold, it lands right in front of Whitney. She doesn’t actually catch it, but they consider it hers, since it’s closest to her. Everyone starts clapping and whistling, and then Chad and Rachel cut the cake, serving it to everyone. The cake that they cut is done up in fondant, but the slab cake next to it is the one that they give out to guests. Mama takes the bouquet from Whitney and says that she’ll do a craft with it, so she has a memento.

As the music starts up again, they play a slow song. “May I have this dance, little lady?” I ask.

“Sure.” Whitney smiles. My hand is in hers again as we walk to the dance area. Laura and Grayson are beaming at each other, dancing next to us, and it makes me ache. I want that. I know that underneath all the worry and heartache in Whitney, is a woman who will look at me just like that. And I’m pretty sure that I already gaze at her like that. With her body pressed up to mine, I feel her melt into me, and it feels so good that I close my eyes.

When I open them…mama is beaming at me.