He arrived at exactly eighteen minutes past eight.

When he knocked, I opened the door a crack and spoke in my lowest raspiest voice.

“Welcome to the chamber of fear. Do you dare enter?”

“You don’t scare me, Zipperbutt. I’m only here because I have nothing better to do.”

That McKelty, he sure knows how to deliver a friendly greeting.

I opened the door and let him in. McKelty had added even more blood and guts to his Halloween costume, including a plastic knife sticking out of the side of his head. I was holding Cheerio in my arms because we had turned out all the lights and I didn’t want him to freak out.

“You call that a dog?” McKelty said, pointing one of his beefy fingers at Cheerio. “I call it a hot dog … without the bun.”

Cheerio sniffed McKelty’s finger and snarled. Then he saw the plastic knife sticking out of McKelty’s head. He sniffed that, then licked it. A lot.

“Your dog is weird,” McKelty said.

“He’s a vampire dog,” I whispered. “He loves blood. Want to let him lick you?”

Not a bad comeback, Hank. That shut him up.

I held the torch out in front of us and led McKelty into the living room. It was totally dark outside now, and there was no light in the room except for the purple glow of the black light. McKelty tripped on the corner of the rug, lost his balance and almost fell over. He tried to pretend it hadn’t happen, but I let out a crazed laugh.

“What are you laughing at, Zipweed?” he snarled.

“Lower your voice,” I said. “You’re making the spirits extremely angry.”

From inside the haunted house, Ashley suddenly let out a bloodcurdling shriek. We hadn’t even rehearsed that, but it couldn’t have come at a better time. McKelty jumped three feet off the ground.

Nice touch, Ashweena!

I held the door flap open and McKelty walked in. The first thing he saw was the skeleton, glowing in the corner.

“Nick McKelty! I’ve been waiting to meet you,” the skeleton said in a deep voice, breathing heavily. “Shake my hand.”

That was Frankie, doing his Darth Vader impersonation. This wasn’t rehearsed either, but again, an excellent idea.

Frankie, my man. Darth rocks!

McKelty approached the skeleton and reached for his hand. As soon as he touched it…

Plop! The arm fell off and rolled to the floor.

McKelty jumped four feet in the air this time. I could hear him gasp. When he saw me looking at him, he tried to act like he hadn’t just done that.

“Big deal,” he said to me. “It’s just a fake hand.”

But I saw his eye twitch.

I guided him over to the table with the grape eyes and spaghetti brains.

“The monster Frankenstein has lost his eyes,” I whispered. “He asks that you help find them.”

Quickly, I grabbed McKelty’s hand and pushed it into the bowl of slimy grapes Emily was holding. Just as his hand touched the grapes, Katherine let out a huge hiss. Again, unrehearsed, but another brilliant addition, if I do say so myself.

Katherine, for the first time in your whole lizardy life, fine job!

“What was that?” McKelty said, pulling his hand away from the grapes as fast as you could say “iguana breath”.

“The eyes saw you,” I whispered. “They’re following you now.”

“Those eyes are alive?” McKelty asked, his voice shaking.

“The eyes see all,” Emily hissed, sounding so much like Katherine it sort of scared me too.

Katherine hissed again and Emily joined in, then Robert. It was a regular hissfest, coming at McKelty from every direction. He backed away really fast – and as he did so, he bumped into Robert, who was holding the brains. I snatched McKelty’s hand and plunged it into the goopy hat.

“Dracula’s brains,” I whispered in his ear. “They are alive and thinking of ways to harm you.”

“Why me?” said McKelty. “I didn’t do anything!” I could hear his voice cracking.

Oh yeah. This was fun.

Then came the moment I had been waiting for!

I gave Frankie a sign, and he lowered the spiders, fast this time. They plunged down and landed smack on the back of McKelty’s neck. Bull’s-eye! As he turned round to bat them off, I pulled the napkin off Ashley’s blood-streaked face.

“The tarantulas!” she screamed. “They’re eating my flesh!”

I thought McKelty was going to pee his pants right there. Maybe he even did. It was too dark to see. The only thing I can tell you is that he screamed like a baby who wants his bottle.

And then, something else happened. Something unexpected. Something truly terrifying.

We heard thundering footsteps coming across the room.

Boom, boom, boom, they went.

I looked around the haunted house. We were all in there. Who could this be? Talk about unrehearsed! This was totally unexpected!

The footsteps were followed by a voice. It was soft and low, which made it even scarier.

“I vant to suck your blood!” it said. “Who will be my next victim?”

I swear to you, I was sure there was a real vampire in the room with us. I looked up and there, peering over the top of the sheet, was an actual vampire! I’m not kidding. He was tall with black slicked-back hair and a black velvet cape. His face was white and ugly. Dark red blood was dribbling out of his mouth.

He reached out his huge hand and grabbed at us. I screamed so loud, you could probably hear me from where you are now. Cheerio bolted from my arms and took off to parts unknown. Ashley and Frankie and Emily and Robert all screamed too.

And McKelty, well, I thought he was going to collapse.

“I’m getting out of here!” he yelled. “That guy’s real!”

McKelty was so panicked, he started to run in circles. When he couldn’t find the door flap, he just barrelled into the wall of the haunted house and brought the whole bedspread down in a heap. The vampire reached out and grabbed his collar.

“Don’t suck my blood!” McKelty yelled. “Pleeasse!!!”

He wriggled free from the vampire’s hand and took off, screaming down the hall. He ran into my bedroom and slammed the door. He thought it was the front door of the flat. A second later, my bedroom door was flung open and Nick the Tick ran down the hall with his mouth wide open, trying to scream. He was so scared, no sound came out. The vampire chased him, but McKelty got out of the flat just in time. He must have finally got his voice back, because we could hear him screaming “Don’t hurt me!” all the way down in the lift.

As for me, I had only one thought. Where was Cheerio? I raced around the living room looking for him. Even if there was a blood-sucking vampire in my house, I had promised to protect Cheerio, and that’s just what I was going to do.

But the vampire had beaten me to it. He was bending down by the sofa, trying to convince Cheerio to come out of his hiding place.

“Get away!” I shouted at the vampire. “That’s my dog!”

“I don’t vant to scare him,” the vampire said. “I love animals. Like my cow, Olga, back in Poltava. She was good friend to me.”

I knew that voice. Who else could have had a cow named Olga?

“Vlady!” I said.

He peeled off his rubber mask. The vampire face disappeared and there he was our lovable sandwich maker.

“Yes, it’s me, Hank,” he said.

When Cheerio saw Vlady’s face, he came scurrying out from under the sofa and jumped in his lap. He loves Vlady because Vlady always gives him the leftover meat from his sandwiches.

When the kids saw it was Vlady, they all came over and gathered around.

“You were stupendous, man,” Frankie said to Vlady.

“Awesome,” Ashley agreed.

“Did you see McKelty run?” Emily laughed.

“He looked like a scared rabbit,” Robert said. “Actually, a hare to be more precise. Hares run faster than rabbits.”

We all took a minute to just enjoy the thought of McKelty running screaming out of the house. Let’s face it, the guy deserved it.

Then a thought occurred to me.

“Let me ask you something, Vlady,” I said. “How did you know that McKelty would be here?”

“I could smell his blood,” he said.

His blue eyes were twinkling again.

“Come on. Tell us the truth. How’d you know when to come?”

“Vampires don’t tell their secrets.”

“Vlady, enough of the kidding.”

“Are you sure I am kidding?” he said.

Vlady yawned. I noticed his lips looked awfully red from the fake blood. It was fake blood, wasn’t it? It had to be.

What are you saying, Hank? Of course it was.

“I am tired,” he said. “Now I must go and sleep in my coffin.”

“Vlady, you don’t really sleep in a coffin.” I laughed.

“It belonged to my grandfather Boris,” Vlady said.

It occurred to me that I had never seen Vlady’s apartment. I was sure he didn’t really have a coffin there.

I mean, he couldn’t. Right?

Because there’s no such thing as a vampire.

Right?

These are just weird Halloween thoughts you’re having, Hank. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as vampires.

Right?

Absolutely right.

Right???????