Chapter Twenty-Nine

Becca

I had fun—a lot of fun. The gardens were luscious, succulent, and creative, and Rikki was marvelous company. Every time I got out my camera to record some flower or arrangement, she insisted on taking one of me. She refused to be in any of the pictures, though. “I don’t believe in pictures,” she said. “Tomorrow, I’ll no longer be who I was today.” Only once did an older couple convince her to stand in front of a beautiful, ten-foot lattice of miniature roses with me. At the last moment before the picture snapped, I felt Rikki’s hand inch behind my back. I threw my arm over her shoulder, and we leaned in and sang, “Cheese.”

I was happy. I didn’t think I could feel so content at something so unrelated to my family, but it was nice, peaceful, inspiring. Whatever the future held for me and Dante, I was going to get away again, and I was going to drag them into this new world as well. I wanted to share this beauty with them, not keep it all for myself.

At the factory outlet stores, I bought a pair of sunglasses and a red blouse that Rikki made me change into in the van. “That’s more like it,” she said. “You look like a rose.”

Despite the fun, I found myself worrying about the kids and also about Rikki, who had begun to drag. At one garden, I tried to encourage her to wait in the van for me. She refused but did agree to wait in a long line for the snacks some enterprising children were selling in front of their parents’ garden while I perused the plants alone. I thought cutting corners might make me upset or feel cheated, but it didn’t.

I would have, though, if it had been Dante here with me, dragging along. I’d be resentful that he wasn’t worrying about the children and that he hadn’t planned for them during the trip. I’d be upset inside that he would every so often call one of his counselors.

Since when had I begun to think of Dante as not pulling his weight? The seed of resentment had been growing for a long, long time, if I could judge by my feelings now.

All at once I was angry. Angry at Dante, at the monotony of my life. So angry I tightened my hands into fists to stop myself from screaming. One stiff foot in front of the other, I walked the garden, seeing nothing. At the end of the path was a large fountain, where little stone children played in the water under the watchful eye of two women, both carrying urns from which water poured out regularly. One statue child stood close enough to put a hand in the falling water.

The anger drained from me, and I sank to a bench. Was I really angry at Dante? Was it Rikki? I just didn’t know.

I did know that I was finished seeing gardens. They were beautiful and had given me more ideas than I knew what to do with, but at the moment, I had bigger worries—like Rikki and her children and what to do about my relationship with Dante.

It was time to go back to the hotel and then home. I had a lot of thinking to do.

“What’s wrong?” Rikki asked when she saw my face.

“We’re going back to the hotel,” I said.

“Why? You love this stuff.”

“We need to be with the kids.”

Rikki rolled her eyes. “I knew we shouldn’t have brought them.” Yet I could see the anticipation in her face.

“I’ve had fun,” I said. “Thanks to you.”

Rikki grinned. “You just needed a little loosening up.”

Within the hour, we were at the hotel pool with the kids. Though I knew Rikki was exhausted, she made a heroic effort with James, who didn’t notice anything different about his mother. Only Kyle watched her when she thought no one was looking. I wondered if she was thinking about the dance lessons or about the pills in Rikki’s purse. I hadn’t seen Rikki take any more pills, and she’d seemed normal all day, if a bit tired, which was understandable given her migraine last night.

Rikki floated over to me and pulled herself from the water. I stifled the urge to ask her if she was okay.

“See that guy?” she said, indicating a large thirty-something man, obviously a body-builder, who was walking into the pool area with a woman who resembled a toothpick. “James’s dad is like that. Or was. With that build, I thought he would protect me forever.”

“Guess he knew he looked too good, eh? No time for anyone but himself.”

Rikki laughed. “Exactly.” She sobered. “What about Dante? What kind of a father is he?”

I opened my mouth to tell her how wonderful he was but something else came out entirely. “He’s preoccupied a lot of the time. Travis and Cory suffer with that, I think.”

“But he doesn’t hit anyone, and he doesn’t yell.”

“No. But he needs to spend more time with them.”

Her eyes gleamed. “And with you.”

I nodded.

She sighed. “To tell the truth, I couldn’t get rid of him when we were kids. He was always trying to take care of me.” She paused. “Becca, maybe if you were a little less capable—”

“What?”

She shrugged. “Dante seems to rush to the aid of everyone he sees. Why not you?”

“I’m not going to pretend to be helpless so my husband will pay attention to me.”

“Well, I would. But that’s not what I meant. I meant you should tell him about the gardens and take a class at school. He can step in and be your hero.”

My hero? Where did she get this stuff? I didn’t need a hero. I needed a husband who was there more. A husband who . . . knew my dreams. Goose bumps popped out all over my skin. I didn’t even know my own dreams, so maybe I needed someone to help me figure them out. A hero.

I stared at Rikki, and she held the stare, a smile coming over her thin face. “He’d be with the boys more whenever you went to see gardens. Like he is now.” She frowned. “Well, if he’s torn himself away from the hospital.”

“He has. He went to Cory’s soccer game.”

“When was the last time he did that? What good is being a bishop when you miss your own kids’ lives?”

I’d thought the same thing but never dared voice it aloud. While I was growing up, my father had missed a lot of our activities, and I thought it was a way of life. But maybe there was a compromise. Maybe putting things right between Dante and me wasn’t a matter of huge changes but of each of us moving, just a bit, toward the other. Giving a little. Taking what was offered.

I slung my arm over Rikki’s shoulder. “I really like you.”

“You sound surprised.”

I laughed. How odd was it? Here I was talking to my husband’s former fiancée about things close to my heart, things I’d never share with my own sister. “A little,” I said. “I’m usually too busy to think about these things.”

“You’re thinking about them all the time. You just don’t talk about them.”

She had me there.

“But you have to talk about them.” Rikki was looking out at her children playing together in the water. “You never know how much time you have. You must live every day as if it’s your last. You know, I never came back to see my mom, not even when she was sick. I was too afraid of my dad. I don’t know why. He couldn’t have hurt me anymore. I’ve never forgiven myself for not coming. No matter how weak she was or how she refused to stand between me and my dad, she loved me, and I wasn’t there for her in the end. I always thought there would be more time, but now I know that’s only something we tell ourselves so we don’t have to do the tough things. Until you run into something that you can’t put off.”

Something like dying, she meant. I thought about Dante and all that he’d done for his father, right up to the very end. Though his father had never changed in all that time, never given Dante what he’d been craving, Dante had no regret for his own actions. I’d fallen in love with my husband a little more as I’d watched him serve his father, though sometimes in my heart I’d regretted the attention it took from me and our children.

I leaned closer to Rikki. “Thanks for coming with me. I don’t know that I really would have come alone.”

“Yes, you would have.”

“Well, it wouldn’t have been as much fun.”

She grimaced. “Last night was a hoot.”

“I meant today. It was fun.”

She lay back on her elbows. “It was, wasn’t it? Next time come a day early and schedule time for a spa, too. Now that would really make it worth it.”

I didn’t tell her I would worry about missing the kids too much, though since they were growing up, they’d all be leaving me soon. “Why not?” I said instead. I noticed she hadn’t included herself in any future plans, though that was probably more from politeness than any slight in my direction. She didn’t have much of a feel for nuances, I’d learned.

“So how about some dinner?” Rikki called out to the kids. Her suggestion was met with enthusiastic cheers. “Guess that’s a yes.” Rikki tried to stand and lost her balance, nearly falling into the pool. I steadied her quickly. She giggled. “Thanks. I got up too fast.”

The rest of the evening was fun. We ate dinner at Denny’s and then cruised around to a few stores. We all ended up buying silly cheap earrings that were more glitter than taste—except for James, who opted for a few smooth rocks to put in with his fish, Fred.

We laughed a lot. Several times teenage boys passed by, and the girls were all aflutter with their attention. I was glad to see that the black leather-clad kind didn’t seem to look their way.

The only blemish on the evening was when I helped Kyle pick out her earrings. Allia had to snap our picture wearing the silly things, so we threw our arms around each other and hammed it up. Behind Allia, Rikki’s face grew white, and I didn’t think I imagined the anger in her face. Hatred, almost. For me. The next instant it was gone, and Rikki even let Allia take her picture, which, from Kyle’s reaction, was something bigger than I’d realized.

Shoving away what felt like an invisible smothering hand, I erased the incident from my mind.