Darkness

The next day Veronica couldn’t bear the idea of going to school. She stayed in bed with Cadbury until it was time to go to Dr. Harskirey’s. At three thirty the sky was pitch-black as if all the daylight had been stolen from the heavens. It was the sign Veronica had been waiting for. Everything was not fine even though she had stayed the course, even though she had done her part, even though she had been good.

“Honey, he’s too heavy. Let me carry him for you,” her mother said when they got out of the taxi.

Not eating had made Cadbury both lighter and heavier than Veronica expected.

“Please, honey,” her mother begged, “let me help you.”

“No,” Veronica said.

Cadbury sat on Veronica’s lap while Esme helped her mother with the paperwork. Veronica wouldn’t let herself cry because more than anything, she didn’t want Cadbury to be afraid. This was the last thing she could give him. She would not let him die in fear and without honor. She kissed him gently everywhere on his body.

“I love you. I love you. I love you. You are the best dog in the world,” Veronica told him over and over.

“Check cremation,” Esme told Mrs. Morgan. “It is very important that Veronica keeps the ashes.”

Veronica’s mother did as instructed and brought Veronica a catalog of urns to look at. She stroked her daughter’s hair much the way Veronica was stroking Cadbury.

“Honey, will you pick something for Cadbury?” she said softly.

Veronica was queasy like her first day of pre-K when she didn’t understand how to do anything, even where to put her coat, until the teacher told her. She followed her mother’s instructions now as she had followed the teacher’s then. She chose a wooden box.

When the forms were finished, Esme led them to a special procedural room in the basement. It was a much warmer room than where Cadbury had been examined and there were three thick blankets draping the metal table. Veronica placed Cadbury gently in the middle of them. She lifted his ear and told him how much she loved him. She repeated it over and over while Esme held him and Dr. Harskirey shaved a little patch of fur on his leg. Veronica’s mother held her daughter while Dr. Harskirey administered the injection. It took seven minutes.

They went to the vet with Cadbury and they left the vet without Cadbury. There was nothing to say. Veronica held on to her mother as though she were blind.

“I’ve got you,” her mother said. She steered her daughter through the early evening streets. Veronica couldn’t see beyond the giant drops of rain that were suddenly falling everywhere. She leaned into her mother and closed her eyes. She heard the clicking of her mother’s purse opening and closing and then she felt a soft Kleenex under her eyes and dabbing at her cheeks. That was when she realized it wasn’t rain that was making it hard to see. Her tears were the problem.