I climb into bed and pull the covers up over my bare legs. I can hear Clayton as he moves through the house, locking up and setting the alarm. He’s been quiet since we left the hospital. To be honest, I’m glad for the silence. Watching him holding Quinn and Tate’s son shifted something inside of me, something I hadn’t been sure was there. Something I hadn’t even been sure I had even wanted until I met Clayton. Knowing his past, I was completely unsure if the man I was building a future with wanted the same thing.
Children.
I never thought about that for myself.
Why would I? I was raised by a woman who hated me, hardly tolerated me, and had been one of the main reasons I desperately traded one nightmare for another. I went from living with her hate to just surviving another’s. I never would have brought a child into that. Luckily, John had been meticulous about protection and I had never had to deal with that problem.
I’ve never experienced the positive love of a mother, and I’m not sure that’s something I capable of, but seeing Clayton with a baby in his arms and a look of pure, tender love, I started to hope.
I know, though, that if that’s something Clayton doesn’t want, I will never have it, because there will never be another man for me. My heart only belongs to one man and without him, I’ll never bring a child into this world. Knowing that, it feels like a dark cloud has settled over a special night.
“I could hear you thinkin’ downstairs, Linney.” I jump at the sound of Clayton’s voice, so lost in my thoughts I didn’t even notice him enter the bedroom.
He starts unbuttoning his plaid button-down, pulling it off and grabbing the white undershirt he had on underneath and yanking it off too. His belt clanks on the floor in the silence after he toes his boots off and then, in one fluid motion, he’s got his jeans and boxer briefs off. I don’t look away when he straightens and hooks his hands at his hips, studying me with silent consideration.
“We’ve got two choices, sweetness.” His brow is furrowed, but other than that he appears calm. I know my dark cowboy better than that, though. He’s holding his control close to his chest. “We can either finish what we were talkin’ about in the waitin’ room earlier or . . .” He looks down, shakes his head, and, with a heavy breath, glances back at me. “Or you can tell me what I saw in your eyes when you watched me holdin’ my nephew.”
“I . . . Clayton.” My thundering heart jumps into my throat and I feel my lips press together tightly. He waits, but without being able to find the words I need to continue, I lift both my shoulders, silently telling him I need his guidance, because I honestly don’t know if I can pick one over the other. Not when I could be getting his love in one breath and losing a piece of my heart in the next.
He steps forward and rounds the bed. I track his every movement until he’s standing next to my side of the bed. When his hands leave his hips, I glance down and watch with wide eyes as they both slowly come toward me. He pulls the covers from where I have them tucked into my hips, baring my legs. He makes a sound of disapproval when I start to pull the shirt of his I stole—like every night—to sleep in over my panties, halting me instantly. When he takes my ankles in his strong grip, I close my eyes, not even shocked when he pulls me gently down the bed until my back is no longer against the pillows propped up against the headboard. Even in the heaviness of the moment, his strength is something that amazes me.
His hands push between my legs at the knees and spread them to the side. Then his heavy weight blankets me. Legs between mine, hard length against my panty-covered center, and naked chest over my cotton-covered one. My hands move of their own accord to rest on his back at the same time his arms go under my shoulders, pushing his fingers into my hair and cradling my head in his hands.
“Open your eyes,” he orders, and I do so instantly.
His face hovers above mine, eyes searching but guarded. I don’t have to guess what he assumed correctly I was thinking back at the hospital, but I know without a doubt that I need him to know one thing before I confirm it.
“I love you,” I utter on a whispered breath.
I literally feel my words as they hit him, physically, as his whole body seems to grow larger and harder at once. The fingers tangled with my hair spasm. His chest pushes into mine as it puffs out. And the part of him that fills me with a beautiful pain swells against my sex.
“I love you,” I repeat loudly and fiercely, fueled by his reaction. This time, his eyelids droop and his forehead falls to rest against mine. That wide chest of his starts to move rapidly when his breathing speeds up.
“I love you, Clayton Davis.”
Then his mouth is on mine and his tongue plays with mine without pause. He kisses me so deeply that my eyes cross and I swear I can feel the earth move. There’s so much passion in this kiss, my legs come off the bed to wrap around his hips and my arms tighten around his torso. I frantically try to get closer. We continue to pour our feelings into that kiss, both of us growing more desperate with each caress of tongues and swallowed groans. When he rips his mouth free, it takes me a moment to shake the intoxication of it off.
“It shouldn’t be possible to love you as much as I do, Caroline Michaels, but every single day I feel that grow into somethin’ I reckon few ever are blessed to feel. I knew close to four months ago when you sat down next to me that there was somethin’ powerful between us. Had no doubts a month later that connection was somethin’ I was foolin’ myself into thinkin’ I could forget about when it snapped into place. And, my sweet Linney, it wasn’t long after that that I realized I was made to love you.”
He shifts his grasp, his hands coming out from under my head and his thumbs wiping the tears from my face. My whole body shudders as I suck in a wobbly breath.
“I need to know the rest, darlin’,” he says with care.
“I’m afraid to give you the rest, Clayton.”
He shakes his head. His handsome face relaxes and openly projects his affection. “Nothin’ should ever make you afraid, Linney. Not when it comes to me and damn sure not when it comes to our love. I never want you feelin’ the fear that keeps your thoughts from me.”
My chest smooshes against his as I take a deep and calming breath. “I—I want that,” I finally admit.
He holds my worried gaze, not reacting. “You want what?”
“What they have.”
I finally lose the brightness of his emerald gaze when his eyes slowly flutter closed. A rush of air fans my face a second later. I hold myself still as my heart pounds in anxious beats.
“Please say somethin’, Clayton,” I plead when he doesn’t move or speak.
“I don’t want her here,” he finally says, confusing me instantly.
“What?”
“She has no place in our bed, but I also can’t let you go long enough to move our talk from this spot.”
“Who are you talkin’ about?”
“Jess.”
My whole body jerks as his ex’s name slams into my brain. Confusion as to why he’s bringing her up now of all times blends into a hurt I feel slice deep.
“God, Caroline, you’re killin’ me.” His hips press into mine as he shifts his body to rest his elbows in the mattress. “Look at me, baby.”
I hadn’t realized I stopped. Looking back into his beautiful eyes again, I see the pain inside of them.
“She was pregnant. Right after I finally broke things off, all her schemin’ paid off. When she told me, I was going to step up. In my gut, I knew I didn’t want that baby, but I would’ve been there and done my best to give it a good life. However, I wasn’t gonna give her what she thought she could trick me into.” A slash of pain goes through his features as he grows heavier on top of me, and I know where he’s going, hating that woman even more. “When I refused her when she said we should get married right away, makin’ it clear to her that would never be an option, she knew she’d miscalculated drastically. I never in my life thought she would kill my baby because of it though.”
“Clayton,” I gasp, moving my hands to cup his strong jaw. “Honey.”
“It cut me to the quick, but even though I felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out, I struggled with feelin’ relieved as well. It’s fucked-up, I know that, but with her selfishness, I wouldn’t be forced to have her in my life because she had my kid.”
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him, my tears returning.
“I had a mama who couldn’t love me and a father who didn’t want to until he was dyin’. I didn’t know my grandparents. The only real love I felt was toward my brother and sister. And with them, I saw what havin’ shit parents did to kids. I grew up knowin’ I didn’t want to bring a life into the world without knowin’ I’d be capable of what my parents weren’t. That didn’t change when she killed my baby, Caroline. I can’t explain what it felt like holdin’ my sister’s baby in my arms, but even lovin’ that boy instantly, if I didn’t have you, I would never want that for myself. You make me need everythin’ I never wanted.”
A giant sob bursts from my lips.
“I told you we were gonna have this talk.” He gives me a brief kiss. “I told you that what I wanted for our future would be different from what I wanted with her. I could live without anyone in this whole damn world, but you . . . I couldn’t go on without you. I’m a man who knows what he needs, Linney, and that’s you. I won’t waste time when I know in my marrow that you’re made for me to love. Ask me, baby. Ask me what roads we’re traveling on.”
“Wh-what roads?”
“The ones that collide together and form one indestructible path. One day, one day real damn soon, that road is gonna give you my name and give us a family that will never doubt what parents’ love feels like. We both had a rough start, darlin’, but there isn’t anything we can’t weather together. I knew it was time to cowboy up the second my good girl gave me her bad and together we made magic.”
I’m crying so hard now, he had to stop talking softly halfway through that. I can see his smiling face, so full of love for me, through the tears swimming in my eyes. I blink frantically, but the tears keep coming. Not even when his lips drop to mine and we drown in each other’s kisses do they stop. My sobs echo around the room as he undresses me, only slowing when he pushes himself into my body. By the time he’s given me every thick inch, I finally stop crying. The passion between us is a soothing balm to my tears, which dissolve in the overpowering joy tipping me over the edge as I lose myself in the all-consuming sensation of the man I love loving me slow.