THE NEXT morning at breakfast, I realized I needed to make a quick trip back to my cabin before the day’s activities began. I’d made a little mistake. There had been a failure to communicate. Thankfully, I had the little golf cart, so it wouldn’t take long to take care of it.
We were going on a hike that morning, and since it was supposed to be a hot day, I’d figured it might be a good idea to wear shorts.
Nope.
Cole strongly advised we all wear jeans for protection against the nettles and thistles.
And boots to protect us from snakes.
Snakes…! How had I forgotten about the snakes?
Western diamondbacks. Timber rattlers. Western pygmy rattlesnakes.
And copperheads. Copperheads were snakes that instead of slithering off when they heard people coming, or coiling up and shaking their rattles, elected to play dead. And if you stepped on them, they bit you!
I shuddered at the thought. Jeans and cowboy boots it was.
It didn’t help that I wasn’t having the best morning. Cole had been distant—could I blame him?—but professional. I felt a tension that all but ruined my mood of the last few days.
I was leaving the dining room to dash back to my cabin to change when I noticed Darla Clark was in her office.
I looked back into the dining room at Cole. My heart skipped in my chest. My stomach did that clench thing it had been doing a lot of since I’d gotten to Black Bear. I looked at Darla again.
And then I made a decision.
I walked to the door, stood there looking at her, building my courage, then glanced back into the main hall.
But it wasn’t Cole I saw. It was the towering stuffed bear, its arm upraised.
That did it.
I knocked on the threshold of her office. She looked up and her expression turned from one of studious concentration to a very big smile. Her whole face brightened. “Good morning, Mr. Baxter!”
Would she still be smiling after I spoke with her?
“Neil,” I said.
She nodded. “Neil.”
I opened my mouth and dammit, the words just wouldn’t come. What did I say? What was I asking? I didn’t know how to start.
Cole is coming on to me, and I don’t like gay men?
“Are you all right?” she asked, concern now filling her face.
“I… I don’t know,” I stammered. “I don’t know where to start, how to….”
“Please, sit down,” she said, then got up and gestured to the chair in front of her desk. I did as she said, and she closed her office door. She sat before me on the edge of her desk. She was wearing a classic cowgirl outfit in navy and pale blue, with matching boots and a bolo tie. I noticed a blue cowboy hat hanging from a peg on the wall. Not what I was used to seeing a woman her age—was she sixty-five, maybe?—wearing. And somehow, she did it all without looking ridiculous. Adorable might have been the right word.
It made my stomach relax a little bit.
But not much.
“What’s this about? Is it your cabin?”
My cabin?
“I know it’s a little out of the way, and I’m sure you would have preferred to be with your fam—”
“Oh! Oh no.” My cabin was perfect. I took a deep breath. “Mrs. Clark. It—”
“Darla, please.”
Damn! Why did she have to stop me? Was I going to get this out? I had to.
This wasn’t a want. This was a need.
“It’s about Cole,” I said, anxiety sweeping over me. I felt my upper lip break out into a sweat.
“Cole?” she said, a gray eyebrow shooting up.
I nodded.
“Did Cole do something to upset you? Cole?”
I could see I’d stunned her. Was it possible she didn’t know?
“Not did something exactly,” I replied. Then, taking a deep breath: “Darla…. He’s… he’s gay!”
Darla nodded her head. “Yes, I know.” She blinked at me. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“That’s not enough?” I cried.
“Mr.—Neil.” She paused. “I know Cole is gay.”
“You do?” I asked.
“Of course,” she replied. “And I can’t see how it could possibly be a problem.” Any sympathy had disappeared from her expression. “Unless he’s behaved improperly, that is—and mind you, I find that very hard to believe.”
“I… I….” What was happening to the world? How could she be so casual?
Amy was okay with Cole being gay. Her kids were. My own daughter.
And now an older woman as well? Didn’t country women have a different moral standard than city people? I always thought gay men had a hard time of it in small towns. I figured a ranch would be the same. It was one thing for gay men to hang out in their inner-city gay ghettos. It was one thing for them to make merry in decadent places like San Francisco or Key West or Provincetown. But Black Bear Ranch? Where people brought their families?
Would Darla be so casual if she knew that Cole had made sexual advances to me? At least twice? Would that be okay too?
Yet now, with Darla’s attitude—with that almost steely expression on her face—I found myself unable to tell her.
“I can’t be the first to be concerned about his… lifestyle,” I said, finally finding my voice. “Your guests…. I’ve chatted with some of them. A lot of them are country folk. There’s a truck driver. A pastor. A preschool teacher. And that’s not even counting the families with children. Little kids! I can’t believe no one else has said anything.”
Her brows came together, a dark cloud seeming to form over her head.
Not good.
“First, Neil, what Cole does in private is none of my business, and frankly none of yours either.”
It certainly was if Cole was hitting on me! But before I could say that, she continued.
“Neil. It’s also the twenty-first century. Same-sex marriage is legal now. Intolerance of other people’s lifestyles or choices or orientations—that’s becoming a thing of the past.”
Damn. It was almost exactly what Crystal had said.
“Second, I don’t match Cole up with people uncomfortable with homosexuality. Or with rednecks and church groups—especially conservative church groups. And we get ’em! I’m not stupid. I match him up with gay groups or open-minded individuals.” There was no missing her emphasis on the word “open-minded.” She leaned back on her desk. “He doesn’t advertise his sexuality, but he isn’t hiding either. Your family knows about him. They have for years. And so he’s open with them.”
I sat there, stunned, looking up at her. My head was swirling. I didn’t know what to say. She was right. My family did know. And loved him. And as far as the more conservative guests I had chatted with, well, none of them had even mentioned Cole’s sexuality. They’d only talked about his friendliness or his singing or his riding ability. Either there were a lot more open-minded people than I had ever guessed, or it was like Darla said. He’d just kept that part of himself to himself.
But what about the fact that he’d come on to me at my cabin? Suggested that he might come by and keep me company? That he’d made me very uncomfortable pointing out my “hobbit feet”? That he’d played suck-finger with me last night?
That I had a sex dream about him, that he was stirring feelings in me I’d been successfully keeping at bay most of my life?
No. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her that last.
“What would you like me to do, Neil?”
I stood up and then just froze—like the stuffed bear in the foyer. I don’t know what I’d thought her reaction was going to be, but that was not it. I took a deep breath.
“Darla, he makes me uncomfortable. I’ve never…. I’m not used to….”
“Neil,” she said, leaning forward again, resting her palms on the edge of the desk. “I’m sorry to hear that. I can talk to him. The last thing I want you to be is uncomfortable. That’s the opposite of what we pride ourselves on here at Black Bear.” She paused. “But frankly, I’m surprised. Cole has been with us nearly eight years now, and we’ve never had a complaint. Sure, I’ve heard a few hateful comments when someone didn’t know I heard them. Faggot. That kind of thing.” She said this last with a distasteful look on her face. “Running a place like this, we’re going to get rednecks. We’re very popular with the church crowd, who come here to not only ride horses, but to have prayer retreats.”
I nodded.
“But understand this. Vincent and I love Cole very much. He’s family.”
Shit, I thought. Her eyes had gone… not steely exactly… determined. There wasn’t going to be much sympathy here.
“He’s a good man, Neil. And a very good wrangler. He’s a favorite with all the guests. He’s almost always requested ahead of time.”
Requested ahead of time? Had Amy requested Cole?
Wait. What had Crystal said? I sure hope we get Cole again.
“Surely you know your family loves Cole?”
Apparently….
“And, well, from what I’ve been observing, I thought you liked him too.”
I sighed. Surprised myself when I trembled.
I had liked Cole. I did like Cole. Frankly, a little too much.
A lot too much.
“This is your third day. All the guests have become acquainted with their wranglers now. You can see the disruption it would cause if I were to switch Cole with someone else, can’t you? Have you talked to your family about this? I bet it would make them unhappy. I could switch you into another group, but surely you don’t want that.”
Shit. No, no. I didn’t want that.
“Look, I know this is your vacation and you want to enjoy yourself. We’ve already started off on the wrong foot by putting you in a cabin all by yourself, away from your family. So I’m guessing you don’t want to be separated from them during the day.”
“No. No, I don’t,” I muttered aloud.
“I don’t know what to say about your feelings about homosexuality, except it really has no bearing here. Cole’s private life has no bearing here.”
What about the fact he’s making passes at me? I wanted to shout. But the words stuck in my throat. I felt embarrassed. She was so sure Cole was strictly professional. Would she believe some of the things that had happened between us? Hell! Would she wonder if I’d led Cole on? Had I? With all the staring, had I done something to make him think I was interested? Shit! What about if what happened in the hot tub came to light? Fuck!
Suddenly, the walls seemed to be very close.
Claustrophobically close.
I needed to get out. Get outside. Where I could breathe. “I… I… I’m sorry!” I stepped back, almost tripping back into my chair.
“Are you all right, Mr. Baxter?”
“Neil,” I said, and fled.
Outside was better. I didn’t feel closed in. How could I with that gorgeous, open blue sky? I could breathe again—that air that smelled of growing things. I took it deep into my lungs. I sat down on the edge of the porch and just breathed. In. Out. In. Slowly out. My heart was racing, but after a moment, breathing that clear, magical air, I started to feel a little better.
“Neil?”
I looked up to see Darla Clark standing over me. “Tea?” she asked and handed me a large glass. I took it, the ice cubes tinkling like the chimes lining the porch, the sun shining off them like crystals. I took a long drink. Sweet.
Exactly as I liked it. Not too sweet. Perfect.
“Better?” she asked.
I managed a nod.
She sat down next to me.
“Is it a religious thing?”
I looked at her confused. “Religious thing?”
“Your problem with Cole. All that ‘Thou shalt not lie with a man, as with woman—it is abomination’ stuff.”
I shook my head. “No.” I looked back at the sky. There was a single cloud. And flying overhead that hawk or whatever it was. Floating on the air. Free. “I don’t believe in God,” I said.
Not my mother’s God.
“I’ve always thought that was a load of bullshit,” she said and swung her legs.
Had Darla Clark just said “bullshit”?
She went on. “What is it, then? If you don’t believe in God, why do you care if someone’s gay? It’s usually the Bible quoters who have the problem.”
“I’m just not used to it,” I said.
“You’ve never known a gay man before?”
I didn’t answer. I’d known gay men all right. Like the supervisor who showed me how gay men really were and treated me like I was a piece of meat. It seemed that any gay men I met only wanted to be sexual with me. And of course there was George. And just his name brought a twinge of the old guilt.
And Jack.
That made me tremble again.
And that wasn’t mentioning… other things.
“They’re not all sex fiends, you know,” Darla said as if reading my mind. “They aren’t trying to recruit you. Cole knows you were married.”
Did he? Well, he knew I had a daughter. So why the passes?
“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but Cole is in a bad place right now. He had a relationship end in a very, very bad way. Two years now and I haven’t seen him go on a single date. The man really hurt Cole.”
The man….
Wait….
Hurt Cole?
I looked over at Darla.
“A real damned bastard, but Cole loved him. Loved him with all of his heart. I think he was hearing wedding bells. And now….” She shook her head. “Now all I can do is hope he’ll love someone again someday.” She sighed. “He pretends, but I can tell that he’s lonely. But I still don’t think he’s even close to ready.”
And once more, I didn’t know what to say. I’d gone into her office to tell her… I don’t know what. That I thought it was inappropriate for a gay man to work a family ranch? That I was uncomfortable around him?
That I was scared to death of him and all he meant?
And now I was hearing how some bastard had hurt Cole? Deeply? And that she wasn’t sure if he’d find love again? That he was lonely?
I understood that feeling.
“Give Cole a chance,” she said.
Give him a chance? I thought, and then I remembered his dream kiss, a tingle spreading out over my arms. Damn!
“Neil, I believe we all come together in life for a reason, like Cole coming to live here.”
Cole lived at Black Bear?
“Your family vacationing here for years. Now you. Who knows what’s in the wind?”
I looked at her, truly looked at her…. Did she truly believe what she said? That we come together for a reason? Wasn’t it all coincidence? That’s what I had always believed. Or at least for a long, long time. What she was saying was akin to religion. And there was no place for religion in my life. But as I looked at Darla Clark, listened to her words, I couldn’t help but wonder if this old cowgirl wasn’t some kind of wise woman. Strange. Yet something felt immediately right in her words. It was like the air in my lungs.
“Okay,” I said.
Darla laid a hand on my shoulder, and we sat there awhile and looked into the morning sunshine.
WE WOUND up starting our hike by walking to my cabin so I could change. Which of course meant I’d have to go back to the main building for my cart later. But hell, it wasn’t that far.
My family was quite impressed with where I was staying, and Amy looked longingly at the hot tub.
“You can come over and use it any time,” I said.
I changed clothes quickly, and then Cole led us to places we somehow hadn’t seen before. Black Bear was huge, and it was gorgeous. We started following the creek behind my cabin and wound up walking through the woods where the water joined a small river. On the other side, we could see a large open field through the trees. Like everything, it was lovely. But to get to it we had to cross a rope-and-board bridge, which swayed as we walked over it. Luckily, it wasn’t high at all, and the water looked shallow.
A moment later, we stood in front of a field ablaze with butterflies.
“Whoa” was all I could say. A large yellow-and-black-striped butterfly drifted by me before landing on a large purple thistle. It looked as big as my hand with its wings spread out.
Stunning.
“It’s a tiger swallowtail,” Cole said.
He even knows the names of the butterflies.
“And that,” he said, pointing to a large black one with blue lower wings, “is a female. Some species you can’t tell the males from the females.”
“So the yellow one is male?” I asked.
“Maybe. The males are always yellow, but the females can be either black-and-blue or yellow.”
“What about this one?” Crystal asked, and Cole moved off, presumably to identify it.
“How are you today, Neil?” Amy asked, walking up to me.
“Okay,” I replied.
“You worried me the way you ran off last night, babe.”
I turned to see her studying me with wide eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s Cole, isn’t it?”
My throat closed up.
“What’s happening between you two?” she asked.
I started to protest and then saw there was no recrimination in those eyes.
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice cracking.
Amy slipped her hand into mine and squeezed. She didn’t say anything for a while. We just walked, holding hands like two kids.
“At least your burn is gone,” she finally said.
“It is?” I touched my face with my free hand.
“Did you use some of Cole’s magic burn cream?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“You’re one lucky man,” she said. “My family burns so easily, and you wake up the next day tan.”
“What can I say?”
“It is a good thing you got the hat, though. It helped protect you from burning more. Even you’d have had trouble with a burn on top of a burn.”
I nodded. Reached up and felt the hat. For some reason, it made me smile.
“It does look good on you,” she replied.
My smile turned into a grin.
“I love you, Neil.”
My stomach leapt. Love?
“I love you too, Amy. You’re my best friend.”
“Always,” she said.
“Still missing Owen?” I asked.
“Oh, yes. Constantly. Always. I always will. Mom told me that. She said it would get better, though.” She turned to me. “Does it?”
“It helps to have a best friend.”
She managed a smile, and we walked off into the morning.
AFTER LUNCH, a marksmanship tournament was scheduled. I’d never been to such a thing. During a contest for some of the more seasoned guests, there were lessons for those of us who didn’t know which end of the gun to point away from us—namely, me.
Cole was my teacher, of course.
He stood very close to me, showing me how to hold the rifle, practically putting his chin on my shoulder as he showed me how to line up the sight with my target. We were pretty much spooned together, and my face grew hot, both by his nearness and wondering what people were thinking.
“Now,” he whispered, “when you think you have it, slowly, slowly let your finger pull the trigger.”
He was using that honey voice again. He said it like sex. Like it wasn’t a gun in my hands, like my finger wasn’t on a trigger, but something else entirely.
My cock shifted in my jeans once more—damn the effect he had on me—and when I pulled that trigger I missed my target completely. Leaves in a tree high above the green bottle burst in the air.
Cole chuckled softly in my ear, but it didn’t hurt my feelings. I could tell he wasn’t laughing at me.
“First time, I hit my uncle’s car,” Cole said. “He was not amused.”
And then he repeated his careful instructions.
I so wanted to hit that damned bottle. So wanted to impress him.
Please him?
I did what he said. Lined that little piece of metal up with the V at the end of the rifle and the bottle and hoped, hoped, hoped—
“Don’t close your eyes when you fire,” he whispered and damn, if I hadn’t been about to do that. Had done it the first time.
“It’s okay,” he said, voice as soft as Mystic’s face. “Take a deep breath.”
I did.
“Hold it….”
I did.
“Line ’er up.”
Here goes nothing, I thought, and did as he said.
“And fire as soon as you’re—”
I pulled the trigger.
An instant later the bottle exploded in a shower of green glass.
I grinned foolishly. I’d done it. I couldn’t believe it! I’d hit that damned bottle.
Then in quick succession:
“You did it!” shouted my daughter.
Amy cheered.
And Cole hugged me hard from behind, his hands resting for one breath on my chest.
My legs almost went out from under me.
Cole held me only long enough so I didn’t fall and then stood back. I shivered, despite the heat of the day. And even with the sun beating down hotly upon me, I could still feel his heat.
I shivered again.
“I knew you could do it,” Cole said, smiling, those almond eyes even narrower than usual. For one frozen moment in time I thought he was going to kiss me. I almost leaned in to let him.
Then I felt a slap on my shoulder, and I turned to see Crystal give a little leap. “That was awesome, Dad! We’ll turn you into a cowboy yet.”
We practiced a little bit after that. I even got a few more bottles.
But then it was time for the entertainment, and that consisted of some stunningly impressive demonstrations from some of the wranglers.
The riding corral was decorated in bright colors—banners and flags and long, wide ribbons. There were even a bunch of mannequins dressed up like jesters and clowns—close to a dozen of them—wired to the fence posts around the corral. Each held a colored, helium-filled Mylar balloon.
But we were all taken aback when Vincent, the man who said so little, did all kinds of tricks, including shooting clay pigeons fired in the air, and more impressively, wooden blocks thrown into the air by the guests.
And, of course, there was Cole.
Why was I surprised?
He shot a row of bottles and cans along a fence top with precision, not missing one, and doing it faster than I’d been able to aim and fire just once—bam! bam! bam! bambambambam!—and then snatched up a second rifle and blew the top rail off the fence post with two shots, then shattered the opposite end, and still had two rounds left. We knew that because he fired them into the air.
Then, finally, it was Darla who took us all by surprise. Just when we thought the show was over, she came riding in on the back of her horse, firing at Mylar balloons. She didn’t miss once.
I don’t think I was the only one who was stunned.
“What?” she called out to the crowd. “You think I was born an old lady?”
And the crowd went wild!
Afterward was free time. Some people went hiking, some riding, and some of the guests went off for spa treatments. I’d forgotten to make an appointment, but hey, I had my own hot tub and was quickly becoming addicted to it. I knew where I was going.
Amy and I wound up walking Darla back. Cole had taken her horse to the stables because she had work to do at the office.
“That was amazing,” I told her.
“Thank you.”
“I never get tired of it,” Amy told her. “I think you’ve gotta be the best shot on the ranch. Vincent and Cole are fantastic. But you—you should excuse the expression—blow them away.”
Darla got a good laugh at that.
“It’s my one real chance each week to do what I love. Ride and shoot.” She sighed. “I miss my wranglin’ days. I’m just not an office manager kind of girl, you know? But it’s me or nobody. People just don’t seem to understand Black Bear. I’m the only one who knows she is more than facts and figures in a ledger. More than rules and regulations. Black Bear is a lady….”
We’d reached the main hall by then, and Darla gave us a little shrug and a hopeless little half smile. “Well, daylight’s a-wasting. Too bad I can’t see it inside.”
“Sorry, Darla.”
Then she gave us a real Darla Clark smile, told us not to listen to the ramblings of an old lady, and headed inside.
“Kind of sad, isn’t it?” Amy asked. “To have all this….” She swept her arm up and around us. “To love this land like she does. And to be cooped up inside all the time.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was just finally figuring out for myself that “outside”—even with its heat and dust and bugs and maybe snakes—wasn’t something to be shunned.
I stretched and popped my back and told Amy that I was heading for my hot tub. “Join me?” I asked.
She immediately agreed.
It became one of the biggest turning points of my life.
WE TOOK the golf cart back to my cabin, and I didn’t even think about the fact we hadn’t stopped at hers.
It wasn’t until we’d gone out back to my little fenced-in backyard, after I’d snagged my ludicrous trunks, that I suddenly realized Amy didn’t have her swimsuit.
“Shit,” I said. “Well, we can zip back in just a minute and—”
“Just turn your back, why don’t you?”
I froze as she began to unbutton her blouse.
Was she…?
She pulled off her top and stood before me in her bra.
“You gonna turn around?” she asked, reaching back to undo the hooks. “You don’t have to.”
Holy shit! I thought and quickly turned on my cowboy-booted heel.
“I’m assuming you have towels?” she asked, and telling her I did, I dashed into the cabin for two of the big ones.
When I came back, she was standing in the tub, her back to me.
She hadn’t settled down yet, and I could see half of her bottom. It was the first time I’d seen a naked woman in a long time. She looked like a Greek statue. Graceful. But….
Once again, that was all it was. As much as I had wished otherwise for my whole life, all Amy’s bare body was to me was the beauty of some statue of Aphrodite or Artemis or Athena….
Lovely, like a deer or a horse or a tiger swallowtail.
But she did nothing sexual for me at all.
Was she trying to seduce me?
This could go bad fast.
She sat down with a long sigh and shifted so she was facing me. I could only see the tops of her breasts, thank goodness. Then she covered her eyes. “Your turn,” she said.
Shit, shit, shit.
What was I going to do?
“You can do it,” Amy said, sensing my nervousness even though her eyes were still closed. “I won’t look. Promise.”
I kicked off my boots, started to undo my own shirt, and realized I’d better hurry. I scrambled out of my clothes and, for the second time, stood naked to the world. This time I was not alone. I was so anxious I think my penis partially retreated into my body.
Do it! I thought, and I quickly climbed into the hot water. It was a small tub and our legs couldn’t help but touch. Damn. Damn, shit, and damn. What was she up to? What if…?
She laid her head back. “This is so nice.”
“Yes,” I mumbled.
“Thanks. I needed this.”
“You’re welcome.”
“And you’re uncomfortable,” she said without looking at me. “Don’t be. We’re friends, right?”
I nodded, then remembering she wasn’t looking, said, “Yes.”
“Yes to you’re uncomfortable or yes to we’re friends?” she asked.
I laughed. “Both, I guess.”
She sat up, her breasts rising higher. I saw a flash of areola through the bubbles. “Neil,” she said.
Crap! What was she about to ask?
“This thing between you and Cole….”
“Cole?” I said, voice cracking. Now that was not what I was expecting. Ugh. Why was she asking about him?
“Do you like him?”
My brain locked up. Like him? My heart began to race. What was she getting at? Did she know? She couldn’t know.
Why couldn’t she? She has eyes.
Amy sighed. “Oh, my sweet, dear, lovely bestest of friends.”
I literally felt like I might explode.
She leaned forward, pushing her breasts beneath the churning water, and reached out and stroked my temple. “What’s going on in here?”
“I… I…. What do you mean?” I don’t know how I even got those words out.
“What is it about you and the whole gay thing?”
“What do you mean?” My mouth was so dry I could hardly talk.
“So uncomfortable. I remember you quit a job because you had a gay supervisor. It always confused Em and me.”
The gay supervisor. The one who had basically let me know that he was looking to promote someone. That he was trying to decide between two people. Me and one other guy. And he told me that while he was standing next to me at the urinals. He told me and he stared at my penis. He stepped back and showed me his.
Yes.
I had quit.
“You two talked about that?” I said, amazed.
And disturbed.
“Of course we did. She wondered why you quit just because you had a gay boss.”
I shook. “It wasn’t ‘just’ because he was gay.” And then I told her. Told her all about it. And how for a moment—one that seemed eternal—the man had actually tempted me.
“She’d wondered if you’d had an affair with him.”
“What!” I cried.
“She thought maybe you’d been with him and then got to feeling guilty or something.”
“She told you that?” I was stunned. Stunned that she thought I would cheat on her. Stunned that she’d told Amy.
“Yes,” Amy said.
“Why?” Why would my wife and her sister talk about such things?
“Em wanted to talk to you about it. Had wanted to for a while after it happened, when you were settled in your new job. She’d made up her mind, actually. She was finally going to confront you. But then….”
There was no reason for Amy to finish her sentence. Emily had died.
The pain came back. The missing her came back.
I swallowed hard.
Amy looked deep into my eyes. “She knew, Neil.”
“Knew what?” I squeaked out.
“That you’re gay.”
There was nothing Amy could have said that would have stunned me more. I jolted. My whole body went rigid. Sound amplified. The bubbles sounded like a churning flood. The chirping birds echoed in my head. I quite suddenly wanted to cry. The tears were filling my eyes. “Why… why would you think I’m…?” My mouth stopped working. I couldn’t say the word. “Why would you think that?”
Amy leaned back and her breasts rose from the water, fully exposed.
Quickly, I looked away. “Amy!” She had completely shocked me. She was naked. Well, of course she was naked, but…. But she was my friend. My wife’s sister. She was….
“Neil, it’s okay.”
“You’re my wife’s sister!” I protested aloud.
“That isn’t it, though, is it? Any man would at least sneak a peek. My brother would. That’s what men do. Hey, I’ve got a great rack!” She started to laugh.
“Amy,” I muttered. I was horrified.
“Look at me,” she said softly. There was… love in her voice.
Enough that I almost did look. But no! No, I couldn’t.
“Neil, look. It’s okay. They’re just breasts.”
I closed my eyes, a million years passed, and then I looked.
Amy’s breasts. I stared. They were bigger than Em’s. I supposed they were beautiful. Supposed she was right. Any man would have wanted to look. She was a beautiful woman. But, once again. Nothing. Nothing. Why did they do absolutely nothing for me?
“Nothing. Right?”
“You’re beautiful,” I said. But like a deer or a horse or a tiger swallowtail.
A tear slipped down my face. I shook my head.
Amy settled, allowing the bubbles to cover her again, and I felt a slight relief.
“You’re gay,” Amy said.
“No,” I whispered.
“Neil?”
I looked into her lovely eyes. Looked for the judgment. The recrimination. The disgust. There was nothing but love there. And why would there be anything else? I asked myself. Hadn’t she said it didn’t bother her that Cole was gay? In fact, she’d gotten pretty mad at me the other day—something she almost never did—when I was upset about Cole’s gayness. Hell, when had that been? A day ago? Two? A thousand years? She’d said she couldn’t believe I was upset and told me that Cole was “a very nice young man.”
But this was different! This was me, dammit, not some boy wrangler on a ranch in the middle of nowhere.
“You’re gay, Neil,” she said again, and I bristled at the idea.
I shook my head. No. Not gay. I could just appreciate the male form, that’s all. Like that horse or that butterfly. But not…. Not….
“Em knew,” Amy repeated. “It’s okay.”
I fell back, completely shocked. “What?”
“Em always knew. Way back. When you showed up at the house needing a place to stay. She knew something was up then.”
The surreal moment became even more dreamlike. What the hell had happened? One minute I was walking through a field of flowers and looking at butterflies, and the next thing I knew I was naked in a hot tub with my sister-in-law asking if I was gay. No, telling me I was gay. She knew I was gay. It was like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone.
“It was the night the police showed up.”
I went numb.
That night.
“You showed up, and then Mom called the police, and that’s when you came to stay with us for a while.”
The numbness spread.
“Something about your mom, I never completely knew the story, which drove me crazy, because Em told me almost everything.”
“She really didn’t tell you?” I asked, surprised.
Amy shook her head. “Nope. But she did find out what happened with you and that track buddy of yours. He came around and said something to her after you and Em started to date seriously. He wasn’t happy about it at all. He accused Em of stealing you.”
Jack did what? “He said she stole me?”
Amy nodded. “He did, Neil.”
I went from numb to light-headed. This was all too much. Jack had gone to Em about me? And no one had ever told me?
“He kept coming to me at school,” I said. “He kept telling me he wanted to get together again. And all I could see was that girl jumping on him and licking his face, and it… it made me sick, Amy. I kept thinking that my mom was right. That gay sex made you evil.”
“You really thought that?”
I looked at her and nodded.
Yes. I had really thought that.
Then Amy nodded. “I guess that explains it. He told her that the two of you had started something very special and she had ruined it.”
I could only stare. “She knew that Jack and I…?”
She nodded again.
“All that time….” Em had always known I…? That I liked…? I thought I was going to faint.
The world wavered in and out; then Amy was next to me, arm around me, her left breast pressed against my chest. “Neil. Babe. It’s okay.”
“No. No, it’s not!” The world was coming to an end.
“Yes, it is.”
I shook my head. World—was—ending.
“Em thought he was lying at first, but then she started to notice little things.”
Little things?
“The way you would look at some guy, the fact you never tried anything sexual with her, never tried to… you know… feel her up the way guys had tried to do with her before. That you wanted to wait until the two of you got married before you had sex….”
“Em talked to you about shit like this?” I gasped.
Amy nodded. “Of course she did. We were sisters. You were an only child, so you probably don’t know about things like that. But sisters talk. We talk about boys. We talk about men. We talk about sex. Or we did. Emily and I were a lot closer than most sisters.”
Somewhere along the line, I had started crying, although I didn’t know when.
“Em thought I was gay?”
“It’s okay. She didn’t mind. You made love to her. Not often, but….”
Again, I thought I might faint. They talked about our sex life? I didn’t think about our sex life! They talked about it?
“It wasn’t that important to Em. She didn’t really care that you two didn’t make love very often. She liked sex, but she wasn’t the little horndog I am.” Amy laughed.
“This isn’t happening,” I whispered.
“Yes, it is. And I think it’s way, way past time it did. Em decided to talk to you and changed her mind a thousand times through the years. She wondered why you were with her.”
“I loved her,” I all but shouted.
Amy nodded. “Yes, I believe you did. So did Emily. But she could tell you weren’t fulfilled by her.”
“Of course I was,” I protested. “She was all I had. All there was. She was my compass. The only damned reason my life had any direction. You saw! You saw I nearly died with her.”
“She worried one day you’d finally leave her.”
The tears were pouring down my face now. “Why are you telling me this?”
Amy sighed and leaned back. “Because it’s time you hear it. It’s been too long coming.”
I tried to look at her, but she was a blur. “What the hell are you talking about?”
She took a deep breath. “You know how you asked me why I wanted you to come with me for my vacation? You don’t understand why I’d want to be here, right? Because I came here so many years with Owen.”
I nodded. “You’re right. I don’t understand.”
“I wanted to lose myself in Owen before he’s gone.”
Before he’s gone? What was she talking about? Owen was buried—gone!
Maybe I was dreaming? None of this was making any sense. A bear would show up any moment.
And then I would wake up. Yes.
Wake up, I shouted in my head.
“Before all that’s left of Owen is a memory. Before I need pictures to remember what he looked like.” Now Amy was crying. “It’s already hard to remember. I keep seeing how he looked in the hospital at the end instead of the sweet young man he was when we met, the smile he used to get me to go on those first dates. God, I loved him so much.”
“Amy,” I said, reaching out and touching her shoulder.
“I know he’ll begin to fade, and before he does, I want to be around everything that reminds me of all the good times, so that’s the way I remember him instead of that… dried up mummy.” A sob escaped her.
My heart melted, and I started to cry again.
“Babe,” Amy said, “you need to deal with your ghosts once and for all. And I don’t mean Em. I mean whatever it was that fucked you up before Em.”
“What do you mean?” I sighed.
“Have you ever made love with a man?” Amy asked.
“No!” This time I did shout.
“But you’ve been with men?”
“No! I… yes… no.”
“Which is it, Neil?”
I almost took off once again, but before I could, she reached out and took my wrist in her hand. “No. Don’t you dare run away again. You’ve been running all your life. You’ve gotta stop running sometime.”
I looked at her, and the tears got thick again, and she went out of focus.
“Tell me, Neil.”
“I… I can’t” was all I could say.
She sighed again. “All right.” She dropped her head back, and neither of us spoke for a long time. Then she said, “Look. Is that a hawk?”
I looked up and couldn’t see anything, so I wiped my eyes, then looked again. It was the lone bird I’d seen, what, twice now? Was that yesterday? The day before?
“It looks lonely, don’t you think?” Amy asked.
“Free,” I said. “I think it looks free.”
Neither of us spoke for a moment.
“Don’t you want to be free?” Amy said.
The world blurred out again, and Amy took me in her arms. This time our nudity didn’t bother me. We were just people, after all. Different body parts, but people. And it felt good to be held. I cried some more.
Then a thought began to rise. It rose with a shocking and crystal clarity I could not deny.
Just body parts? It feels good to be held?
Was that the reasoning that had allowed me to get involved with Emily in the first place? Just body parts? Did I convince myself it didn’t matter what kind of body she had? That love was love? Had I cast aside a lifetime of being held by a man by deluding myself that being held by someone who loved me was all that mattered?
I pulled back. “Oh damn, Amy.”
And I began to talk.
Finally.