I DIDN’T know where to begin. How did I approach Cole? Was I truly considering doing this? I was a mess just thinking about it. What should I do? Should I say something? Get him flowers? Chocolates? I smiled. He’d liked that chocolate on my lips the other night.
Let things take their course, some inner voice told me.
That would be a lot easier, I thought with relief.
But could I do this?
Ironically, I hardly got to say a word to him at dinner. He crammed his food down and went outside to prepare for the square dance. My stomach dropped at the very idea as, once again, childhood memories came flooding back.
But the dancing wasn’t so bad. Everyone was messing up, so I wasn’t the only one, and soon I was laughing with everyone else. Square dancing was also a lot more work than I thought. Vincent do-si-doed and allemande-righted us into near oblivion. Through it all, Cole began to watch me again. His eyes were alive, inviting, and I tried to accept it as best I could. How did I make my eyes do what his did? Could he tell?
He found a way to swing through and grab my hand as he went on to another partner, and my whole body shivered in delight at the touch.
Vincent and his crew entertained us into the dark, and that was when I really began to look for Cole.
I couldn’t find him anywhere. I couldn’t figure out where he’d gone. He’d vanished.
On my second trip out of the dining room, I thought I caught a glimpse of him in the parking lot in front of the main building. What was he doing there? Was that him?
I stepped down off the porch and got a little closer.
He was talking to someone. Who?
Maybe I should have left, but I couldn’t help myself. I had leapt off a cliff, and I had to take it to its inevitable destination, good or bad.
It was hard to see what was going on because the only light was the one over the porch doors, but as I crept closer, I saw Cole was with a man.
A big one.
And they were holding each other.
I froze. Were they kissing?
No.
I had to be imagining it. Cole said he wasn’t seeing anyone.
Then I saw Cole try to pull away, but the bigger man wasn’t letting him. What the fuck?
I moved ever closer and could hear Cole. “No, Garrett. Let me alone.”
“But, dumplin’, I love you!”
“You don’t love anyone except yourself,” Cole said, pulling away again. “Now please, leave.”
But the big man wasn’t leaving. He reached out, grabbed Cole, and yanked him close, crushing his face against my wrangler’s. Cole was struggling, but obviously the big man was stronger.
“Argh!” Cole cried. “My God. You bit me.”
“Want to make us the same.”
“Jesus! Get the fuck away from me.”
“What’s going on?” I shouted, turning my steps into a full run.
The big man spun. I could barely see him in the light from the porch, but the moon was rising over the trees, and I could see he was much older than Cole. Somewhere between forty and fifty, and he had a graying beard.
“What the fuck?” Garrett said.
“Neil, get out of here,” Cole called out.
Before I even knew what I was doing, I pushed the man. Hard. He staggered back and nearly went over, but managed to regain his balance.
“Get away from him,” I yelled.
I only had time to register that Garrett was swinging at me before the meteor of his fist hit my mouth and sent me flying back against one of the cars. My head struck the car roof, and I saw stars. Then the man grabbed me.
“No” came Cole’s scream and he was on Garrett’s back. The man shrugged Cole off like a rag doll, sent him tumbling to the ground, and Garrett came back at me.
The rage surged out of me like a force of nature. For years, I’d held back from the world. I’d been afraid, been scared, but not now. Time seemed to slow down again. Just like it had with my mother. The man was moving in slow motion, but the time warp didn’t seem to be affecting me.
The second time the fist came toward me, I ducked under it as if it were hardly moving. Then I was up and my fist was flying. I caught him on the jaw, and he staggered back with a cry of surprise. He came back, though it didn’t matter. Somehow, I was Spider-Man or something, and I swung with my other fist, catching him again. It ended with my first punch deep into his gut.
With an “Oooomph!” Garrett hit the ground.
Cole had managed to get to his feet and was at my side. “Neil! What are you doing? Get away before he hurts you.”
Time resumed its normal speed, and it was as if it had turned its favor from me. Garrett was on his feet in an instant and, to my shock, he spit at me. The wetness struck my cheek, and I wiped it away in disgust. The man was clearing his throat again, hocking up more spit.
“Neil, run! He’s got AIDS!”
What?
Time froze again. The night went mute; the darkness even darker.
Then I was falling as Cole launched himself against me, sending us both in a tumble to the ground.
Garrett loomed up over us and raised a foot. “Oh, you messin’ with the wrong man.”
“Stop!” came a shout before the night was split open by a boom.
We all turned to see Vincent Clark on the steps of the porch. He was holding a shotgun.
“You, Mr. Granger, need to get the hell out of here before I blow your head clean off your shoulders!”
The gun was now pointed out and not up. And anyone who knew Vincent knew what kind of shot he was.
Garrett snarled at the man and started in his direction with a shouted “I’ll take that away from you, old man,” and then froze at the unmistakable sound of the gun being cocked.
“I mean it,” Vincent said. “Darla’s already calling the police. You better skedaddle before I make that moot.”
Garrett wavered, clearly confused by the turn of events. This was obviously not going how he’d expected. “You fucking old man! I’ll come back and….”
I stood, pulling Cole with me, and stepped in front of him. “I don’t think that would be a good idea,” I said, surprised at the rumble in my own voice. “When the police get here, I’m pressing charges.”
Garrett spun. “Oww,” he said in a wimpy, whiny voice. “Da big man gonna pwess chawges?”
“Or beat the fuck out of you,” I said, taking a step toward him.
“No, Mr. Baxter” came Vincent’s voice. “I think I’d prefer to blow him the fuck away. Why, to tell you the truth, it would bring me pleasure.”
Garrett spun. Something about those words seemed to shock some kind of sense into him. “I… I’ll….”
“You’ll leave, Mr. Granger,” said a new voice. It was Darla, and she stood by her man. She had a gun as well.
I smiled.
She was wearing one of her cowgirl outfits. Pink. As usual, she didn’t look ridiculous. And right then she didn’t look adorable either. She looked dangerous.
“The police are on their way,” she said, a rumble in her voice too. “This is done.”
“Fuck y’all,” Garrett said again and turned toward me. He started to make a hocking sound again, and we heard the second gun cock.
That was all it took.
Garrett turned and ran. He climbed into his truck—of course it was a truck, and it was huge. It roared into life, and he was gone.
WE WERE in the dining hall, surrounded by family and friends. Darla had herded the guests out, and Cole was kneeling in front of me, holding a bag of ice wrapped in a towel against the side of my face.
“Tell me he didn’t spit in your mouth,” Cole said, but it sounded more like pleading. “Your eyes?”
I shook my head. “No. He didn’t.”
I looked at my hand and saw a brownish-red smear. Is it blood? Was it Garrett’s?
“Was he your old boyfriend?” I asked Cole.
His eyes filled with shame, and he looked down, pulling the ice from my face. “Yes,” he whispered.
“And he has AIDS?”
“Yes,” he said.
I had to strain to hear him.
“Cole?”
He didn’t look up until I asked him to, and when he did, his eyes—those beautiful eyes that had first grabbed my attention on a website—were filled with sadness. I noticed his lower lip was swollen. I reached out, touched it, ran my thumb along it, and he winced. “Stick it out,” I said, a tremor of fear tickling through me.
“Huh?”
“Your lip. Stick it out.”
He shoved his lip out, and I gently pulled it, not wanting to hurt him any more than he already had been. Relief washed over me. “He didn’t break the skin.”
Cole closed his eyes, and I heard a hitch in his throat.
“That was insane,” I said. “What was that about?”
Cole gave a long, shuddering sigh. “You said it. That was my ex. He came here to…. He wanted me back.”
I shook my head. “That was the man you were with two years ago?”
“Yes.”
“Give me the ice,” Amy said. She had crouched down next to Cole, and he handed it to her without contest. “You okay, Cole?”
“Yes. But Neil. Garrett hit him.”
“Neil is a hero,” said Vincent, now also standing over us. “And he’s welcome around here anytime.”
Amy placed the ice pack where Garrett’s magnificent blow had hit me like a freight train. I flinched, then let the cold settle against me once more.
“I can’t believe you did that, Neil,” she said. “You. You ever been in a fight in your whole damned life?”
“No. But that man was hurting Cole.”
A small smile crept across her mouth. “No halfway with you, is there? All or nothing?”
I blushed.
“What’s she talking about?” Cole asked.
“Never mind,” I replied. “What was Garrett doing to you?”
Cole shuddered again. “He said he wanted me back. Said we’d shared everything there was for two men to share, but he wanted to give me AIDS so we could have that together too.”
My mouth fell open. It seemed impossible. How could people be like that?
“Thank God you’re okay,” Cole said. “I don’t know what I’d have done if he’d’ve hurt you.”
“What does God have to do with it?” I said, unable to help it. I’d been angry with the Big Man too long. You just can’t let go of something like that overnight.
“I think He brought you to me, and then He protected you.”
“That’s crazy,” I said.
“Neil….” Amy sighed.
“Nevertheless, that’s what I think,” Cole said.
“You really believe in Him, don’t you?” I asked.
“I do,” he said with utter conviction. I could see it in his eyes.
Oh, those eyes, I thought. I reached out and touched his cheek, felt a quiver, and gooseflesh ran up my arm.
I had never wanted to kiss anyone more in my entire life. My family—Amy, my daughter, my nephew and niece—plus the owners of Black Bear surrounded me, and I didn’t care. I wanted to kiss him. Feel those lips against mine.
“That was the police on the phone,” Darla said, sticking her head back into the dining room and breaking the moment. “They got the bastard.”
Cole began to shake, and before I knew what I was doing, I pulled him into my arms. “You’re okay,” I whispered into his ear. “You’re okay. He can’t hurt you now.”
“He sure can’t,” Darla said.
Apparently, she didn’t have old-lady ears. Bionic, maybe. “Told them we’re pressing charges. Assured them you would too, right, Mr. Baxter?”
I looked up over Cole into her eyes. “Neil,” I said. “Please call me Neil.”
DARLA AND Vincent took Cole away after that. When they pulled him away, I almost cried out. I didn’t want to let him go. I could have held him forever.
Then it was just me and Amy and the kids. Crystal hugged me, and then she looked at me in awe. “Pop, you’re the best.”
“I am?”
“Yes!”
How long had it been since my teenage daughter had hugged me so tightly? I couldn’t remember the last time she did it at all.
“That really was pretty cool, Uncle Neil,” Robin said.
I couldn’t help but be pleased. With teenagers, someone my age has usually passed out of being “really cool” a long time ago.
Even Todd added his opinion. “Dude, wicked.” He nodded. “That was dope.”
I hoped that meant something good.
And then Crystal hugged me again.
I held her in my arms. I think Emily would have been pleased.
When Crystal finally relaxed her hold, she still didn’t let go. She looked me deep in the eyes. “You like Cole, don’t ya, Pop?”
I went stiff for a second, then calmed down. She couldn’t mean what it sounded like. “Why, of course I do, dear,” I murmured and patted her shoulder. When she pulled back, the joyful look on her face made me wonder what was going on in her head. And then for a moment, I was struck by how much she reminded me of her mother at that age.
It warmed my heart.
Emily lived on in Crystal.
That was life.
“You guys ready to get out of here?” Amy asked us.
“Yeah, I think I am,” I replied. “It’s been a big night.”
“It’s been a big day,” she said.
She took my hand and walked me outside onto the porch. There was a gentle wind stirring the wind chimes. Crystal gave me one more hug, and then she and Robin and Todd ran off into the night.
“Not exactly how I was picturing the evening ending,” I said.
“Ooohh,” Amy said, and, by goodness, she giggled. “What had you planned?”
“Oh, relax,” I said, my face blazing.
Amy leaned against me, and I was struck again by how small she was next to me. Her head rested right up against my chest. Cole’s would come a bit higher. My shoulder, I think.
“Gonna be a full moon,” she commented, looking up at the sky. “Tomorrow night, I think. Or the next.”
“Yup.” I smiled. Put an arm around her shoulders.
“You really okay?” she said.
“Yup,” I said again.
“Good,” she replied. “Because I’m worn the hell out and I’m hitting the sack.”
“Me too.” I bent to kiss her forehead.
“Love you,” she said.
“Me too,” I replied.
WHEN I was lying in bed, the moonlight pouring through the window, I couldn’t help but think of Cole. How had I thought the evening was going to end? With him here with me? Was I ready for something like that? That big a step? I felt a stirring as my penis began to get hard at only the thought of him in my bed. Obviously my cock thought it was a good idea. It had never filled so fast with thoughts of anyone else.
“My God,” I whispered. I was seriously considering the idea of taking someone to bed again.
I was seriously considering taking a man into my bed.
Then I realized with a gasp that I’d let the word “God” pass my lips again.
Maybe you’re not done with me, Old-Timer, I thought. And entertaining that idea: Okay. Let’s see what you have in store.
Then I let thoughts of God pass from my mind.
I thought of Cole.
I thought of him in this bed.
I conjured up our dream kiss.
And I took my now very hard cock in hand.
It didn’t take long.
I WAS in the hot tub again. I’d woken up early and known there was no way I was going to be able to get back to sleep. No way at all. It was still a couple of hours before anything was planned. I thought the schedule had said it was a canoe trip ending back at the ranch. So with time to spare, I was back in the hot, bubbling water to which I’d become addicted.
I realized I was going to have to get a hot tub. I’d heard they were a lot of work, but it would be worth it. Not a big one. Just a small one like this. Big enough for one.
Or two?
That made me think of Cole, and I smiled. What had the little son of a gun said? “You can get nekkid. I could come keep you company.”
I was getting hard once more. I felt like a kid. Was I going to have to jerk off again?
Save it.
For what? I asked myself, and by goodness if I didn’t feel my face redden, even though I was alone! I’d embarrassed myself. I laughed, and it felt good to laugh. To really, really laugh. I let it out. I suddenly wanted to jump up and dance.
Then I heard a sound.
It was weird.
Sort of a gurgling. A warble.
What the hell could that be? I wondered.
I will never understand why I did what I did next. My arms were crawling, the hair on the back of my neck sticking up as I got out of the hot tub and looked around.
“Hello?” I called, ignoring what I know now was a premonition. Of self-preservation. If it had been a movie, I would have been screaming at the hero to go in the house. But I wasn’t in a movie. This was real life. And I was born and raised a city boy. I guess my sense of preservation wasn’t nearly as tuned as it could have been.
There it was again… what? A grunt?
Unlike in the dream, I wrapped myself in a towel. Strange how in just a few days I could be so comfortable with nudity, but what I heard was coming from the other side of the fence. The last thing I wanted to do was walk in naked on a couple making love. And that was a lot what the grunting sounded like. Sex.
There was another strange warbling sound. “Hello?” I called out again, and it was answered by another one of those gurgles.
Just like in my dream, I went to the gate and opened it.
And just like in the dream, there was a bear outside the gate.
It was indeed black, although some part of my brain noticed its snout was brown.
It was indeed big.
Very, very big.
Its mouth opened wide, and it looked big enough to swallow me whole. The teeth were huge, and it growled.
“Oh” was all I could say before my throat seized up.
The animal grunted, growled again, and rose up. And up. And up.
It was the second most terrifying moment of my life. I couldn’t move. My brain wasn’t working. It was trying to. I was trying to make it work, but it refused to cooperate. What was I supposed to do? Hadn’t Darla or Vincent or someone said something?
Something about how black bears don’t like humans and rarely approach them. Was I supposed to flap my arms? Was I supposed to play dead?
Run, my brain finally screamed as it raised its arm, showing claws just as big and just as sharp as those belonging to the great stuffed bear in the dining hall.
I’m going to die.
Unfair!
Not now.
I thought all of that, as goofy as it seemed later.
And then, just as I was about to slam the gate, I saw Cole there behind the bear. Where had he come from? And he had a rifle at his shoulder!
“Don’t move, Big Daddy,” he said, and the bear whirled around. There was a boom that tore the day apart, a high-pitched scream—oh my God, it got Cole! It’s killing Cole!—and then a second boom.
And just that fast it was over.
The bear fell back, crashing into the side of the fence that, for some wild reason, didn’t shatter from its weight. A small part of my mind saw that Cole was doing his miraculous rapid emptying and reloading of the rifle even faster than he’d done at the tournament. It was a good thing, too, because then the great animal cried out, a horrible noise—the noise I’d mistaken for Cole’s death cries, I realized later—lifted up, and was hit by the third shot.
With one last cry, the bear slumped to the ground and did not move.
I began to shake and watched, as if it were a movie, as Cole ran toward me, literally leapt over the bear, and grabbed me. I threw myself into his arms, shaking so hard I don’t know how I didn’t break apart.
“I’ve got you, Neil,” he said. “I’ve got you. It’s okay. You’re safe now.” All this time he was rocking me, murmuring into my ear, stroking my hair. He pulled me tighter, and I molded myself against him, some part of me registering I’d underestimated his height. He was shorter than me, but not by much.
“I—I am?”
“He’s dead.”
“A-are y-you sure?” I couldn’t stop stammering. My teeth were almost chattering.
He pulled back just enough to look at me with his beautiful eyes. “Do you trust me?”
I nodded, and then he pulled me tight again. At first, I thought I might cry, but that urge vanished quickly. I think I must have cried myself out the day before.
I was overcome by a sense of safety like I had never known in my life. Cole had me. He’d protected me, saved me. I wrapped my arms around him tighter, marveling at how hard his body was. It felt nothing like Em’s. There was no softness here at all. This was a man. It felt so good. He felt so good. So right. Nothing had ever felt so right.
I realized I was getting hard. And there was no way he could miss it.
Cole pulled back slightly and looked deep into my eyes.
Now we’re going to kiss, I thought. At last. I started to close my eyes and leaned forward.
“Daddy,” he whispered, “you better get dressed.”
“Dressed.”
“Ya dropped your towel.”
I stepped back, and sure enough, my towel was on the ground. When had that happened?
I was standing there naked before Cole.
My cock stood half hard before me. Cole was looking. His cheeks reddened.
“God,” he said.
I started to cover myself, and then dropped my hands at my side instead. I wanted him to see me. I wanted to see if he wanted me.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he said.
“You are,” I replied, and he looked up at me in surprise, his throat working.
“Neil, as much as I would like to keep staring at you, there are going to be people here any second. And as much as I’d love to take you up on it, I think this better wait.”
“People?” I asked.
He nodded. “The rifle. Three shots? They’re going to be here any minute.”
“God,” I said—and there I was using that word again—and I ran inside to get my clothes.
It wasn’t a moment too soon.
Vincent and several wranglers were there by the time I made my way back outside.
“Looks like we got us two goddamned heroes” was the first thing Vincent said.