THE REST of the morning turned out to be quite the adventure. Everyone wanted to see the bear, hear about the bear, hear about how Cole had shot the bear. Even the local news station showed up and interviewed us both. Needless to say, his story was more exciting than mine; he was the hero.
It seems Cole had come to see me and saw the bear first. He ran into the front door of my cabin, got the rifle down from over the fireplace—he had the key—then came back around and shot the thing. Good thing, too, because this same bear had been playing havoc upstream and had nearly injured some people. If Cole hadn’t shown up when he did, I very well might have been killed. Cole saved my life.
But why had he come to see me?
Was it just to tell me about how my family wanted to go on another early morning hike or horseback ride?
Or could there have been something else?
“You’re the one who saved me,” he whispered when he got me aside.
Me?
I didn’t know about that. I did know something had irrevocably changed between the two of us, though.
There was no canoe trip that day. Instead, the Black Bear crew decided to move the overnight campout to that night.
It wasn’t a big deal since there was only a small group involved in actually spending the night on the trail. I was somehow a part of this group, and I know Amy had neglected to tell me about it.
Seems the campout was planned so a few daring souls could get the feel of what it was really like to live in the Old West and be on the trail. We’d all go out on a cattle drive, and then dinner would be cooked over an open fire and a few “lucky” guests would sleep in two-man tents on the ground—like in the Westerns, like in the Old West—while everyone else headed back to the comfort of the cabins. We were going to sleep on the hard ground. Not even an air mattress. The only modern consideration we’d have would be a blue nylon tarp under us. Our bedrolls were pretty authentic, though—a large wool blanket doubled over, rolled into a cylinder, and carried with us on our mounts. That’s what we’d have to lie on and keep warm under.
I was glad it was such a warm summery night.
“What the hell is my back going to be like tomorrow?” I asked Amy.
She just laughed. “Oh, please! You have a hot tub to climb into as soon as we get back. I have no sympathy. And our spa appointment’s tomorrow.”
And so we herded cattle. Right out to the very edge of the Black Bear property, where we all had a dinner cooked over the fire.
This was less elaborate than our previous meals, as they were trying to give us a “taste” of what we might have eaten a hundred years ago. It consisted of beans, but also a chunky stew filled with beef, onions, and potatoes, and something called fry bread, which was round pieces of dough the size of tennis balls that were flattened and deep-fried in what was probably terribly unhealthy oil.
But it was all eyeball-rollingly delicious. Especially considering how long this day had been. It seemed a year since I’d opened the gate, naked as the day I was born, and stared into the face of that huge bear.
Cole had stuck with me on the trail all day, keeping Maddy close to Mystic so our legs would occasionally bump. I think I had an erection most of the day. And how amazing was that? Had anticipation for something ever been so strong? I didn’t think so.
It wasn’t like making love with Em had ever been a chore. I loved her, and I think that was the key. We’d known each other for years, but when I went to her the fateful night I fled from my mother’s house, something happened. She’d held me while I cried and was with me when the police showed up. She held my hand through all of it, despite the fact the cops didn’t want her there. She held her chin out defiantly and dared them to make her leave.
That’s when I thought I fell in love with Em.
I did love her. I loved her like I had never loved another human being before. It had swept over me like an avalanche. I’d certainly never felt like that for a girl before.
Maybe it was only natural to think it was something more than it was.
That I had somehow been “saved” from my homosexuality.
What I can’t figure out is why I felt I needed to be saved.
I’d already given up on God—even before my mother came at me with a knife.
Why did I care?
But I did.
The very idea of being with a man again…. It scared and thrilled me at the same time.
I would think about Rod…
…and I would think about Mom and her belt and being taken away for a few weeks.
I would think about the exciting night skinny-dipping at church camp with George…
…and I would think about being caught masturbating with him and them sending him away and the terror Mom would find out.
I would think about Jack and how hot it was a “straight” man had sucked me off… how he had come to me and told me that he wanted to continue having sex with me!
And I would think about Mom coming after me with a knife.
But now? Somehow I was finally beyond all of that. Like a historian, I could look on these incidents as stories from a distant past. Finally, they seemed to have lost their hold on me. Was I free at last?
It had all happened so fast!
All day long I had ridden alongside this wonderful man. A man who made no excuses for who he was—a masculine, strong, confident man. He wasn’t anything other than who he was. And he was making no excuses for who he wanted.
He wanted me.
And I wanted him. I wanted him so much.
When the time came, would I be able to do it? Would I panic? Would the fear come back?
I realized I’d better tell him at least some of my history.
And so I did. In bits. In snippets. When there was no one around who could hear.
“My God,” he said and reached out to me. To my surprise, I reached back, not caring who could see us clasp hands and tangle fingers. “Now I think I understand.”
At some point, Crystal and Robin rode up beside me, giggling like girls half their age.
“Cole and Pop (Uncle Neil), sitting in a tree,” they sang. “K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”
I know I blushed then ten times more than any other time that week, which was saying a lot.
Cole talked too, telling me about Garrett and how, at first, it was the relationship of his dreams. It had started as something physical. Garrett couldn’t have been more his type—over twenty years older, hairy, taller. They’d fallen in love.
Suddenly, any worries I’d had about the difference in our ages were gone. And funny how he preferred body hair, and I had always been attracted to men with smooth chests.
How nice it worked out….
Then Cole told me the bad part. They’d been a couple for over three years when he found out Garrett was cheating on him. “Big-time,” Cole said. “He was a favorite in Little Rock, and he traveled a lot. Met men online from all over his territory and fucked them. What’s weird was he’d let them fuck him. Never me. I had never minded, though, because I am pretty much a big ol’ bottom.”
“Big old bottom?” I asked, and when he turned bright red, I figured it out.
I’m sure I turned twice as red as he had.
He cleared his throat and went on. “So Garrett let these guys fuck him. And he wasn’t safe.”
I looked at him and didn’t say a word.
“He didn’t make them wear condoms.”
“And it’s how he got infected,” I said. It wasn’t a question.
Cole nodded. “HIV. We weren’t safe together. I didn’t think we needed to be. We were at a gay pride event a couple of years ago and we got tested as usual and….” Cole sighed, looked away, and I reached out and took his hand.
“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s in the past. Let it go.” I was already echoing Amy’s words. Amy’s very, very good words.
“Only that time he tested positive. Turns out he’d been positive for months. We suddenly remembered the week where he’d had night sweats, but I’d had the flu the week before, and we’d never thought anything of it. Neil, I was so fucking scared. They were pretty surprised I tested negative. He’d been fucking me almost every night. He always had.
“Garrett said he was happy for me. Said he was relieved. He’d felt so bad. But there was something in his eyes….
“So they figured, the doctors, they’d better send off my test the second time. The first time we’d taken the one where they can tell in less than a half hour. It’s pretty accurate, but not as accurate. For the second test, they sent my blood away to a lab, and the next two weeks were a living hell. Thank God Darla snuck me some Valium. I got through the two weeks, and it came back negative. I didn’t believe it. I demanded they test me again. They said they didn’t need to, that I should wait three months, but fuck that. I wasn’t waiting. So they tested me again, and it came back negative again.
“Now get this. That’s when I find out Garrett is still cheating on me. Without condoms! The fucker is out there, knowingly spreading it around! That was it. I kicked his ass out and moved out of the cabin. The… ah… cabin you’re staying in.”
“What?”
“I built it. Pretty much on my own, with a little help at the end from Garrett. I’d done most of it before we met. But after we were over, I couldn’t stay there any longer. I moved back into the big house—the ranch house, where Darla and Vincent live—and began working on another cabin. I moved into it last fall. Wait until you see it. It’s twice as big. Has a real kitchen and everything.”
“So you live here year-round?”
Cole nodded. “Of course. Darla and Vincent are my aunt and uncle.”
“What?”
I couldn’t have been more surprised.
The conversation in Darla’s office suddenly made more sense.
Vincent and I love him very much. He’s family.
I hadn’t realized she’d meant it literally.
“You know, I pretty much stopped believing in God there for a while, Neil.”
That caught my attention. I actually jerked in my saddle. Mystic didn’t like it and told us both so. “You stopped believing in God?” I asked. Just like me.
“Couldn’t figure out how He could’ve let all that happen to me. Give me love, only to have it turn out that the man He gave me was a cheater who, for all intents and purposes, had tried to kill me. I was through with Him.”
I nodded. “I understand!”
We urged our horses on before we fell behind.
“And I was through with love too, I’ll tell you. For a while. When I finally thought I might try again, I was too scared. I was afraid I still might have HIV, you know? And what if I gave it to someone? I couldn’t live with myself if I did that.
“But recently, about four months ago, I had my two-year anniversary of testing negative. The doctor said I couldn’t be much more assured I was out of danger.”
“Oh, Cole,” I said, thrilling at his words.
“I just couldn’t believe it,” Cole said. “I asked the doctor how it could be, and you know what he told me?”
I shook my head. “No,” I whispered.
“He told me it was a miracle.”
A miracle, I thought.
“You know what happened then?”
“Tell me!”
“You’re going to say I am crazy.”
“Tell me,” I urged him. Now I had to know.
“I heard a voice.” A beatific smile spread over Cole’s face. “In my head.”
That sent goose bumps up my back and down my arms, making the hair stand up.
If I had ever thought Cole was beautiful before, now he was transformed into something even brighter, lovelier.
“Clear as I am talking to you now,” Cole said, “the voice asked me if I could believe again now.”
I pulled back on Mystic’s reins without even realizing it, and we stopped once again.
“I knew then that God was real,” Cole stated.
I stared. What could I say? For a moment I wanted to reject what he was suggesting. That it was “God” who had spoken to him.
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Cole said.
But then, to my surprise, I realized I didn’t.
For the first time in years, I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I could open my heart and believe in “something” once again.
IT WAS during a little break that Cole kissed me the first time.
He led me off into the woods and pressed me against a tree. He looked at me. Just looked at me. I fell into his deep brown eyes.
“I want to kiss you, Neil.”
I tried to answer, but my vocal cords just froze up.
“And I think you want me to kiss you.”
I still couldn’t talk, but I could nod. And I did.
He smiled that beautiful smile. “Do you trust me, Neil? Because I trust you.”
I trembled. “Yes,” I told him.
And he kissed me.
He finally kissed me.
My head went light, my knees went weak, and I might have fallen if not for the tree. And Cole’s hard body pressed against me. His man’s body. God…. I was being kissed by a man. At last, at last, at last.
I’d met him only a few days before, but it felt like I had waited forever. Maybe I had. It was the most exciting kiss of my life. It left the one with Jack in the dust—and that had been pretty exciting.
And as I melted against Cole, there was no doubt I was kissing a man. Not only was it more demanding, harder, stronger, but there was his closely cut goatee rubbing against my chin and face. So erotic! I was so hard, my cock hurt. He reached down and rubbed me through my jeans, and I moaned. Then he broke away. He’d touched my lips with his tongue, and I’d opened my mouth to take him in, and instead he stopped.
“No,” I said with a groan.
“Later, Daddy. Promise.”
Later….
It almost made me sad that the kiss was better than any I’d ever shared with Em. But it hit me, the undeniable truth.
“I’m gay,” I whispered for the first time out loud.
“What?” Cole said.
I smiled. “I’m gay, Cole.”
He smiled back. “Yeah, Big Daddy, I think you are.”
I just looked at him. I was choked up. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“Did it feel good to say it?” Cole asked.
I laughed.
“Yes,” I said, and I began to tingle all over. “Yes. Yes it did!”
AFTER DINNER, most of the guests left to go back to the cabins. Cole and Cassie and about ten guests remained, including my family. Interestingly enough, there were twelve of us and six tents.
Six two-man tents. Funny how it worked out Cole and I would have to share.
We built up the fire and toasted marshmallows. No conflagration this time, though, and for those who wanted, they could get their treats as perfectly browned as they liked. Amy was in heaven.
It turned out Cole liked his like mine.
He got a little bit in his goatee.
Heart pounding, knowing in our tight little group around the fire I would almost certainly be seen, I wiped the tiny bit of stickiness away with my fingertip. Showed him. Then before I could do anything, he took my hand in his and popped my finger in his mouth. His tongue licked the marshmallow quickly away, and I shivered despite the flames. My cock went as hard as I could ever remember. Our eyes were locked, and I know I had to be blushing. People had to be looking. They had to. My daughter, for goodness sake. And Amy and—hell!—Robin and Todd.
But what I saw in Cole’s eyes made me not care.
So beautiful….
The moment ended, and I glanced around the fire, but no one seemed to have even noticed—or they were artfully minding their own business.
I took the opportunity to go pee. Cole stuck to the log we were sitting on. Part of me wished he had come with me. Another part remembered that supervisor and knew it wasn’t the way I first wanted to see Cole’s… to see him naked.
As I was walking back—watching for copperheads!—I heard Todd say, “Hey, Cole! Are we gonna have ghost stories?”
“You bet,” he said. He told the classic one about the couple making out in their car and the news report about an escaped murderer called “the Hook” because one of his hands had been replaced with a steel hook. Then them hearing this sound on their roof and being afraid of this hook killer and driving off, engine roaring. And of course the famous ending. The boy getting the girl home and going to let her out of the car and then screaming because, “there, hanging from the car door handle, was a bloody hook!”
“I thought it was the girl who screamed,” said Robin.
“Wasn’t someone supposed to be hanging from the tree and scratching the roof or something?” asked Crystal.
“I thought the guy got out of the car where they were making out,” someone else said. “And then she hears this thump on the roof and it’s her boyfriend’s head.”
“Didn’t the killer poke the kid’s eyes out?” asked an older lady—Cheryl, I think her name was.
“Oh for goodness sake!” cried Cole. “Who’s telling this story?”
So storytelling wasn’t exactly Cole’s strong point. He would just have to rest on his horseback riding, his shooting, his singing, and… kissing.
With a happy smile, I sat down next to him, very close, so I could nonchalantly put my arm behind him. Not exactly around his shoulders, but he felt it and leaned into it. It made me feel a little possessive.
I liked the feeling.
Cole looked at me and smiled. “What’re you thinking about, Big Daddy?” he whispered.
Kissing him. That was what I was thinking about.
And more. A lot more. I was so excited. My cock was hard. And I was terrified.
“You,” I managed to whisper back.
“All right, it’s my turn,” said Cassie, the cute blonde girl I’d met when we first got to camp. She rolled up her sleeves. “Let an expert have a try.”
Everyone clapped. I wasn’t sure why.
Until she told her story.
“Once, not far from here, in fact,” she said, “on a summer night, there was a family, camping… just like us.” Cassie, her normal smiles gone to be replaced by a very serious expression and wide eyes and raised brows, told a chilling story about campers being abducted by aliens, and when she was done, we all applauded.
“And that’s how it’s done,” she said, winking at Cole.
“Not fair.” He turned to me. “Our little Cassie Shell here is an aspiring writer. She sold her first story this year.”
“It’s a small publisher,” she said, and was that a blush I saw? It was hard to tell by the firelight.
“Small or not, it was accepted. And that’s a pretty big deal.”
Then Cole broke out his guitar, and we sang around the campfire. It might have been corny if it hadn’t been so much fun.
Cole was so gorgeous in the firelight. Have I said that before? How he looked in the orange-gold light, his dark eyes all but lost in shadow? Have I said what a good voice Cole has? How strong and clear and kind it is?
Should I mention the laughter when he changed the lyrics of “Home on the Range” to “where the deer and the antelope are gaaaaaaay”? I suddenly saw there wasn’t a person there who didn’t know he was gay and cared one way or another.
Everyone there loved him.
My God! Everyone.
Me.
And then he sang another song by Christine Kane.
“Dream and the way will be clear,” he sang. “Pray, and the angels will hear.” Turning to me, he sang, “Leap and the net will appear.”
Was there anyone there who didn’t know what he was telling me?
I scanned the faces around me. All attention was on Cole. No one was even glancing my way.
No, that wasn’t true.
Amy was looking. She was smiling. I love you, she mouthed silently, and my heart skipped.
I returned her smile and then looked at Cole.
So handsome.
Was I really, possibly, maybe, going to…?
After about an hour, Cole stood up, stretched like the worst actor on the planet, and said with a mighty yawn, “Well! I am durned tuckered out.” He leaned his guitar against a log. “Been a loooooong day! Bear killin’ and cattle herdin’ takes it out of you, ya know? Anyone wants to play my guitar, they’re welcome.”
He pushed at his back and, to be fair, we all heard it pop. Several times.
“You go to bed, you,” Amy said.
Cole nodded and looked at me so hard it’s a wonder I didn’t burst into flames. “See you later?” he asked.
I gulped.
Cole walked the short distance to our tent, turned and gave me one more look, nodded, then crawled into our shelter.
The flap closed. I just sat there. I couldn’t move.
Finally, Amy leaned over and whispered, “Babe, if that boy wanted me, I wouldn’t be sitting here around this fire.”
“Amy,” I whispered. I shot my eyes back and forth between her and Crystal and the others, all only a few feet away.
Amy shrugged.
“Have you looked at those tents? Everyone will hear us.”
Just then there was the sound of Cole’s guitar being strummed, and then a woman’s voice rang out clear and loud. If Crystal had been paying me any attention at all, it was now totally diverted to the woman’s singing.
Amy smirked and gave me a big shrug. “There,” she said. “Ask and you will receive. Just don’t make too much noise.”