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“What’s going on between you and Camborne?” Caroline asked as Millie finally had a moment alone with her.
Millie had only seen her when they greeted each other in the receiving line. The moment she and Charles had entered the ballroom, they had been pulled in separate directions: Some of the members of Charles’ party had wanted him to join them in the card room, and Millie had been snatched away by her friends. Thus, she was not exactly being coy when she told Caroline:
“I don’t know what you mean.”
Because really, the only time Caroline had seen the two of them together was when they had greeted her.
“Oh, please,” Caroline said, hiding a large grin behind her fan. “I saw the way he looked at you and the way he placed his hand on your back, the very lower part of your back.”
Millie could not help but smile beamingly behind her fan as well.
“Well, he is my husband, and thus it’s his right,” she began in a mock-demure voice.
“That is not how husbands usually look at their wives,” Caroline said.
Millie shrugged and smiled secretively.
“Perhaps I told him a certain story of yours about what can happen in a carriage, and he was inspired,” she said, hiding her grin behind her fan.
Caroline laughed out loud. The laughter seemed to grow between them, until it could no longer be contained by a fan, and they fled the room as if they were two adolescent girls, Caroline holding her pregnant belly.
They collapsed laughing on a couch in the empty anteroom where Caroline had taken them.
“Oh, I would never have thought that of the duke,” Caroline said, still laughing, still holding her belly.
Millie noticed, with a bit of envy, how perfectly round and lovely it looked. It took some of the mirth out of her face. A moment later, Caroline sobered considerably as her slender, darkhaired husband burst through the door.
“Caroline, are you okay? What happened?” he said anxiously as he hastened across the floor to her.
“Oh, nothing,” Caroline said, still trying to control her laughter. “It was just something Millie said,” she continued as she was getting up. “I’ll tell you later,” Millie heard her whisper to her husband.
“Oh, no you will not,” Millie said, as she stood as well.
Lord Winterbottom looked from Caroline to Millie, smiling. Millie didn’t have time to say anything before someone entering the room said:
“Ah, Winterbottom, there you are.”
Millie turned to see Charles walk towards them and felt her heart beating faster and her smile widening. This was ridiculous, she told herself, but she could not help but notice that he could not take his eyes off her either. It was a good thing that it was nearly midnight.
He halted in front of them, and then did not say anything, but also did not take his eyes of Millie, nor was she able to remove hers.
“You were looking for me?” Lord Winterbottom interrupted him, grinning.
“Why, yes,” Charles said as he turned to face him. “We... We need a fourth man for a game of whist.”
“I’ll join you then,” Lord Winterbottom said. “Are you sure everything’s right with you... and the child?” he asked Caroline as he placed his hand on her stomach for a moment. Caroline simply smiled and nodded. Winterbottom smiled back, squeezing her hand, before he left. Charles didn’t touch Millie, but their eyes locked again for a moment before he left the room.
“My, my, Millie,” Caroline said as she slowly lowered herself onto the sofa again. She was rubbing her belly and smiling mischievously.
Millie sat down as well, looking cautiously at her.
“What?” she said.
“I’m just happy for you,” Caroline said innocently.
“Thank you,” Millie said curtly, looking away as she checked that no strands of hair had fallen from her coiffure, not really sure what Caroline was talking about.
They were silent for a minute. Caroline still absentmindedly rubbing her belly, Millie running the small diamond pendant on her necklace back and forth on the silver chain.
“What exactly do you mean when you say you’re happy for me?” Millie asked and looked at Caroline.
Caroline smiled widely.
“That the two of you are in love. It’s so sweet. I knew you liked each other, even though the marriage was arranged, but I’ve never seen the two of you doting on each other in that manner. Especially not Camborne. To be honest, I would never have thought that he had it in him...” Caroline went on.
Millie only partly listened after she had mentioned the words “in love”. She and Charles weren’t... They were not. Surely their relationship had changed after they had started sleeping together. To the better of course. But what happened in the bedroom could not merely constitute love.
Of course, she thought of what they did as making love. It seemed the euphemism that best suited it. But that was not the same as them being in love. And you surely did not fall in love just because you made love. Or did you?
“I’m sorry, Millie, did I say something wrong?” Caroline asked. Millie looked at her. She had completely forgotten that she was in the room. “You went all quiet...”
“I just came to think of a matter. Don’t mind me,” Millie said and waved her hand dismissively. “If you won’t mind, I’ll step out to the retiring room.”
“Of course,” Caroline mumbled behind her, as Millie hurried from the room. She walked down the corridor towards the ladies’ retiring room, then quickly stepped into a small parlor where she sometimes had tea with Caroline. She closed the door and rested her forehead on the cool wood.
In love. Apparently, it was so obvious that other people could see it, yet she had not even given it a thought. And what did it even mean, being in love?
Yes, she thought about Charles all the time, but he was her husband, it was only natural. Yes, she wanted to sleep with him all almost all the time after she had learned how fantastic it felt. Yes, she liked that she was able to make him laugh, a man that others perceived as aloof and perhaps even arrogant. And she liked that he was able to make her laugh. Yes, she adored the way he handled their children and that he actually wanted to spend time with them. But that wasn’t love, was it?
She lifted her head from the door, walking through the dark room to the window overlooking the garden behind the house. But if she wasn’t in love with him, then she wouldn’t mind that he started seeing Delilah again, would she? And she most certainly would mind if he did just that. It felt like a part of her would whither if he did. As if she would be missing a part of herself.
And it would not simply be because he stopped sleeping with her. Or that he was sleeping with another woman as well as her. It would be because she wanted him all to herself. Wanted to be the only one that he thought of in that way. She wanted him to love her.
Two quick tears fell from Millie’s eyes, and she dried them with her gloved hands.