THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON

Eve honey, dear fiancée of mine,

I’m going to call you as soon as I’m allowed, but meanwhile I want to say some things I can’t say over the phone. First of all, honey, do you know how I feel right now? Like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Remember that movie? Sitting on the couch together, sharing a bowl of popcorn, thinking this will be good for some laughs? Remember, though? How sad it was?

Anyway, please apologize to your family for me. Explain how drunk I was. And mention what I just said, about feeling like a monster.

I can hear your mother: “Well, he is a monster.”

Tell her I agree, completely.

You might add, however, that an actual monster probably wouldn’t be calling himself a monster. So I guess maybe I’m not a complete monster, although to be honest I almost wish I was—no shame, no remorse. Might be kind of nice.

I want to explain the way it happened, Eve.

Swimming around like that in your parents’ pool, back and forth underwater, while you and your mom and dad and Adam were all sitting at the patio table looking through photos from the happy days before I came along, I began feeling like—you guessed it—the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Remember how he looked in the water? So beautiful and wild and free. But alone. So alone. Okay, so then I happened to come up for air and you’re all laughing hysterically over some picture, and I just wanted to be a part of it, in the picture so to speak, that’s the only reason I took off my trunks and swung them over my head shouting “Woo-hoo” like that, just to be part of the general hilarity. The water was up to my waist, so I wasn’t actually exposing myself and I honestly thought you would all just laugh and shake your heads at what a lovable nut I was. Instead, the four of you sat there with the exact same look on all your faces—outrage, anger, and disgust—your father ordering me out of the pool and off his property like I was some kind of intruder, which, let’s face it, I was. And please believe me, sweetheart, I had every intention of putting my trunks back on before getting out, but the way your brother followed up your father with “Right now, mister,” I decided fine, have it your way.

I hope your mother has recovered, I mean that sincerely. But I have to say, it did seem a little theatrical, her crying out “Oh dear God in heaven” and fainting? Actually fainting?

Also, just for the record, when your brother got up and came after me, the only reason I hurried to the car like I did was because, as you well know, I do not believe in violence as a way to resolve differences. Good thing, too. Desperate naked creature from the water that I was, I’m pretty sure I would have seriously injured him.

Anyway, if it helps at all, let me once again repeat how sorry I am, how truly, deeply, profoundly fucking sorry. I just hope you’re able to see things a little bit from my perspective, that’s all, from down here in the Black Lagoon.

Long story short, driving home I got pulled over for speeding, tried to get into my trunks in time, didn’t make it. So now I’m wearing orange pajamas.

Eve, do you remember the end of the movie? After they shoot the creature and he goes staggering back to the water, swims a little distance, then sinks to the murky bottom—do you remember what you said?

“All he wanted was to be loved.”

Do you remember saying that, Eve?