The Truth

Frankie

My bags are officially packed. Dr. Ellis signed off on Brad’s travel documents. My passport and boarding pass are in my purse. Everything is ready to pursue this new, unexpected path.

It doesn’t feel good, though. Most people would be excited about a semester in Rome. Since I have family in Italy and speak a healthy amount of Italian, it shouldn’t feel as scary as it does. But it’s nothing to do with flying across an ocean or leaving my parents again that makes the prospect terrifying. It’s the reality that getting on that flight will mean I’m officially leaving Oscar behind.

I should have stayed and explained things to him instead of sneaking out and leaving him a lame note. He’d have convinced me it would all be fine, though. No doubt, he’d lean in to kiss me, making me forget about the entire situation—temporarily.

That’s the thing, though. Oscar and I were just temporary. We’re too young and have too much life left to figure out. Feelings that strong in our early-twenties are terrifying. We were intense. Combustible, like a firecracker with a short fuse. Now the show is over.

“Are you sure about this, Bella?” Mom asks, stopping just inside my bedroom door.

“Not really, but I need to do it. I need to figure out who I am now.”

Mom steps farther into my butter yellow bedroom, coming to sit on the bed beside me. “You’ve always known who you are. This does not change, Francesca. That man cannot change you. Your hair, your address, your school, he made you change those things, but who you are has always been the same.”

“I feel different. Completely.”

“My Bella, you have grown. That is all. You’re no longer a little girl with little dreams. You’re a young woman with unlimited potential.”

That’s entirely unhelpful. Because unlimited potential means unlimited choices. An endless list of things I could pursue, and I’m not sure I’m capable of making the right decision. Before, having a stalker limited everything I could do, which, in a way, has made me afraid of everything outside of my fear-limited box. Living in fear, ironically, has made me afraid of freedom.

This man is still winning. Still controlling my life, even from inside a jail cell.

“It’s time for me to start living my life, then. No more holding back because I’m afraid.”

“If that is what you wish, know we’ll always support you. It has been the greatest joy of my life to watch you grow, my Bella.” Tears trickle down her olive cheeks, but she swipes them away quickly. “And I am happy to see you back with your natural hair colour. You’re beautiful no matter what, but this is my Francesca. Who you were born to be.” With that, my mom kisses the top of my head as she stands, then approaches my door. “Brad has requested a ham sandwich for the flight. Do you want anything?”

That one sentence wipes away any lingering emotions I have over our conversation. “Mammina, no. He’ll be so gassy for the entire trip.”

“Ah, there are too few pleasures in life. Let him have this.” She exits into the hallway before shouting back that she’s lacing the sandwich with the medication Dr. Ellis suggested to help Brad sleep for the flight.

I laugh at her determination, realizing there’s nothing I could say to stop her from spoiling her fur-grandbaby.

It feels good to laugh again. I don’t think I’ve even cracked a smile for the past ten days. Instead of reliving the traumatic situation of having a knife held to my throat, I’ve been lost in thoughts about whether Oscar completed all of his exams. Wondering how he did on them and if he was able to study. I know how worried he was about microeconomics, so I hope I didn’t derail his preparation. That is the opposite of what my intentions were.

Now, with a tear trailing down my face, I confirm that I’m making the right decision. He’ll be better off now that he can focus on his schoolwork and achieve the dreams he laid out for himself.

I stand at the edge of my bed, check the time, then begin the long journey toward my future. One without Oscar in it.

Palermo is even more beautiful than I remember. I’m fortunate to have family to stay with to get acclimated to Italian life before heading to Rome for my next semester. I never imagined I’d have the chance to partake in the Research Abroad Programme when I first transferred schools, but I’m excited about it.

Zia Paola, my mom’s younger sister, has two sons of her own, who are both close to my age. Today, Nico and Luca are taking me and Brad to the beach with a group of their friends. Something I would have been unlikely to do in Canada. I’m having to relearn everything about living with freedom. It’s not second nature for me to go do things like this—fun things. At least not without prompting. But the fact my cousins and their friends are willing to drive an hour to go to a dog-friendly beach just to get me out of the house says a lot about the impression I’ve made.

“Are you ready for some ‘fun in the sun’?” Nico asks, appearing next to me out of thin air.

Brad wags his whole bum at the sight of my younger cousin. It is clear who has been the cause of Brad’s weight gain since we arrived a week ago. Nico was immediately pegged as the weakest link, so Brad chooses him as his target to beg from at every meal. Safe to say it’s working.

“Ready. Are you driving?”

“Nah, Luca gets scared when I drive along the coast.”

Based on the one time I went anywhere with Nico, I can see why. That’s why I asked.

“Okay. Ready whenever you are.” I walk over to grab Brad’s leash from the basket by the door, making his tail pick up speed.

“He looks like he’s ready to find some bi—”

“Nico, I know you are not about to say something crass in front of your cousin,” Zia Paola calls from somewhere else in the house.

Nico’s eyes widen as he looks straight at me. “I didn’t even know she was home.” He grabs Brad’s leash and ducks out the door before his mother appears.

Right on time, she pokes her head out of the kitchen doorway. “I taught him better than that, Francesca. That boy will age me.”

I pinch my lips together to stop a laugh from spilling out. Nico reminds me a lot of Blake with his chaotic personality and affinity for finding the fun in any situation. There’s something endearing about someone who just knows how to enjoy life.

“Not to worry. He’s reminding me how to laugh.”

Her kind smile communicates more than anything she could say. While I haven’t explained the whole story about what happened at home, I know my mom has relayed the main points.

“I’m glad, Bella. He is good at that. Go have some fun.” She waves a linen dish towel at the door, encouraging me to follow her son. “We’ll have dinner when you return.”

“Grazie, Zia. You’re sure you don’t want to come?”

She laughs, creasing the deep lines around her eyes. “Go have fun. Make sure that Felicia stays away from my Luca, yes? She’s no good for him.”

I have no idea who Felicia is, but I want to ask why Zia is adamant she’s no good for her son. What makes a mother so sure of that? How well does she know this Felicia girl to make that decision? What would Oscar’s mom have thought of me? Or worse… what does she think of me now after everything that has happened? I’m sure she’d feel the same way.

So instead of asking any of the questions that spring to mind, I nod, smile, and finally turn out the door.

My cousins try their best to make our afternoon an entertaining one. Nico is the life of the party and every time he cracks a joke, his laugh reminds me more of Blake. Luca, on the other hand, is much more like Oscar. He’s reserved. Observant. Protective. I notice him scanning the water occasionally, as if he’s checking to make sure everyone is safe. He picks up the trash his group of friends leave on the beach before it blows away. He constantly asks if I’m okay or if I need anything. I appreciate him, but each reminder is a stab to the heart because he serves as a reminder of what I ran away from.

I try my best to refocus my attention on Brad, who is having the time of his life. He seems to have left our former life behind in exchange for extra table scraps and Sicilian sunshine. I wish I was as good at focusing on the bright spots and living in the now as he is.

Because as much as I tell myself that being here is the right thing—that Oscar deserves better than the stress I bring to his life, or that this opportunity could be the best thing to happen to me—the truth is, I know the best thing already came and went. Rather, I left it behind in exchange for an ocean of regret.