There are two ways to write a story using words in a foreign tongue. The first is to explain every single word as it is used, by restating its meaning in English, or by hoping its use in context will clarify it for the reader. The second is to attempt by syntactical manipulation an approximation of the dialect and tongue, eschewing the use of any foreign words. The third is to provide a glossary and hope the reader won’t be such a dummy as to get annoyed at the author wanting to do it right.
Additionally, the author, a cute and terrific little person who wants you should enjoy this story to the utmost, has called on the good offices of his friend, Mr. Tim Kirk, a Gentile artist, but also a three-time Hugo award winner, to do a drawing of Evsise, the Zsouchmoid. It is appended herewith, for your pleasure.
—The Author (A Jew)
- Adonai (ah-doe-noy’) The sacred title of God.
- averah (ah-vay’-reh) Loosely, an unethical or undesirable act.
- Bar Mitzvah (bar mitz’vah) The ceremony, as in many cultures, of the beginning of puberty; held in a synagogue, it is the ceremony in which a 13-year-old Jewish boy reaches the status and assumes the duties of a “man.”
- bialy(ies) (bee-oll’-lee) A flat breakfast roll, shaped like a round wading pool, sometimes sprinkled with onion. Also comes in spansule shape.
- bissel (biss’-el) A little bit.
- brechh A sound you make when varfing.
- bris(es) (briss) The circumcision ceremony.
- buhbie (booh’-bee) Usually an affectionate term of endearment, although occasionally it is used sardonically.
- bummerkeh (bum’-er-keh) A female bum, a loose lady. A nafkeh.
- chutzpah (chhhootz’pah) Gall, brazen nerve, audacity, presumption-plus-arrogance such as no other word, and no other language, can do justice to. Roll the chhh like a Scotsman.
- dreck (drek) Shit, dung, garbage, trash, excrement, crap.
- Evsise (ev’seese) A native of Theta 996: VI, Cluster Messier 3 in Canes Venatici. (see illustration.)
- farblondjet (far-blawn’-jet) Lost (but really lost), mixed-up, wandering around with no idea where you are.
- farchachadah (far-kachh’-dah) Dizzy, confused, dopey, punchy.
- Feh! (feh!) An exclamatory expression of disgust.
- folks-mensh (fokes’-mentch) This has many meanings. In the story it is intended to convey the meaning of a person who is interested in Jewish life, values, experience, and wants to carry on the tradition.
- galus (goll’-us) An exile.
- Gentile (jenn’-tile) The goyim. Non-Jews.
- gevalt! (ghe-vollt’!) A cry of fear, astonishment, amazement.
- glitch (glitch) A shady, not kosher, or reputable affair.
- goldeneh medinah (gold’-en-eh meh-dee’-nah) Literally, “golden country” originally, it meant America to Jews fleeing the European pogroms; a land of freedom, justice and rare opportunity. Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
- gonif(s) (gon-’iff) A thief, a crook; sometimes said with affection to mean a clever person; a dishonest businessman.
- goniffed (gon’-iffed) The act of stealing, as in swiping Zsouchmuhn out of its orbit.
- guderim (guh-dare’-im) My mother used to say, “That kid is eating out my guderim from aggravation.” Which leads me to believe the word means, literally, heart, guts, liver-and-lights, stomach, everything in the middle of your body.
- Kaddish (kahd’-ish) A prayer glorifying God’s name. The most solemn and one of the most ancient of all Jewish prayers; the mourner’s prayer.
- Kayn-ahora (kenna haw’-reh) The phrase uttered to show that one’s praises are genuine and not contaminated by envy.
- kike (kike) A word you won’t find in this story.
- kosher (ko’-sher) As a Hebrew-Yiddish word it means only one thing; fit to eat, because ritually clean according to the dietary laws. As American slang it means authentic, the real McCoy, trustworthy, reliable, up-and-up, legal.
- krenk (krenk) An illness. Also used to mean “nothing” in a sentence like, “He asked me for a loan of fifty bucks; a krenk I’ll give him!”
- mechaieh (meh-chhigh’-eh) Pleasure, great enjoyment, a real joy. Roll the chhh like a Scotsman.
- meshiginah (meh-shih’-ghin-ah); meshugge (meh-shu’-geh); mishegoss (meesh’-eh-goss) Crazy, nuts, wildly extravagant, absurd. There are spellings for male and female, but I’ve written it the way it sounded when my mother called me it. Meshugge is to be a meshiginah and mishegoss is the crazy stuff a meshiginah is doing.
- mensch (mench) Someone of consequence, someone to emulate and admire; a terrific human being; I always pictured a mensch as someone who knew exactly how much to tip.
- minyan (min’-yun) Quorum. The ten male Jews required for a religious service. Solitary prayer is laudable, but a minyan possesses special merit, for God’s Presence is said to dwell among them.
- momzer (mom’-zer) A bastard, an untrustworthy person; a stubborn, difficult person; a detestable person; an impudent person.
- naches (nahchhh’-es) Proud pleasure, special joy, pride-plus-pleasure.
- nafkeh (nahff’-keh) Also nafka. A prostitute.
- nu(?) (!) (nu) A remarkably versatile interjection, interrogation, expletive; like, “So?”
- nuhdz (noooood’-jeh); nuhdzhing (nuhd’-jing) To bore, to pester, to nag; to be bugged to eat your asparagus; to wake up and take her home, etc.
- oysvorf (oyss’-voorf) A scoundrel, a bum, an outcast, an ingrate.
- pisher (pish’er) A young, inexperienced person, a “young squirt,” an inconsequential person, a “nobody,” an amateur.
- plotz (plotts) To split, to burst, to explode, to be outraged: to be aggravated beyond bearing.
- pupik (puh’-pik) Navel. Belly-button.
- punim (puh’-nim) Face.
- putz (putts) Literally, vulgar slang for “penis,” but in usage a term of contempt for an ass, a jerk, a fool, a simpleton or yokel. It is much stronger than schmuck and shouldn’t be used unless you know some crippling Oriental martial art-form.
- Reb (reb) Rabbi.
- schlemiel (shleh’-meal) A foolish person, a simpleton; a consistently unlucky or unfortunate person; a clumsy, gauche, butterfingered person; a social misfit; this term is more pitying than schlimazel and more affectionate by far than schmuck.
- schlimazel (shli’-moz-sl) Same as above, but different in tone. A schlimazel believes in luck, but never has any. The terms are often used interchangeably by people who don’t perceive the subtle differences.
- schmachel (shmah’-chhhl) To flatter, to fawn, to butter up, usually to outfox someone to get them to do what you want. Roll the chhh like a Scotsman.
- schmuck (shmuck) Literally, a penis, but in common usage, a dope; a jerk; a boob; or, a son of a bitch, a real prick.
- Shabbes (shah’-biss) The Sabbath.
- Shema (sheh’-ma) The first word of the most common of Hebrew prayers: “Shema Yisrael,” Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is One!
- shikker (shick’-er) A drunk or, as an adjective, drunkenness.
- shikseh (shik’-seh) A non-Jewish woman, especially a young one.
- shivah (shi’-vuh) The seven solemn days of mourning for the dead.
- shmateh (shmot’-tah) A rag, literally. But in common usage it means a cheap, shoddy, junky dress.
- shmootz (shmootz) Dirt.
- shpilkess (shpill’-kess) As my mother used it, to mean aggravation, an unsettlment of self, jumping stomach. But I’ve been advised it really means “ants in the pants.”
- shtumie (shtoom’-ie) Another word like schlemiel, but more offhand, less significant; the word you use to bat away a gnat.
- shtup (shtooooopp) Fuck.
- shtupping (shtooooopp’-ing) Fucking.
- shul (shool) Synagogue.
- tallis (tahll’-iss) Prayer shawl, worn by males at religious services.
- Talmud (tahl’-mud) A massive and monumental compendium of sixty-three books: the learned debates, dialogues, conclusions, commentaries, etc. of the scholars who, for over a thousand years, interpreted the Torah, the first five books in the Bible, also known as the Five Books of Moses. The Talmud is not the Bible, nor the Old Testament. Not meant to be read, but to be studied.
- t’fillin’ (te-fill’-in) Phylacteries worn during morning prayers by Orthodox males past the age of Bar Mitzvah.
- Tisha B’ab (tish’-a-bawb) “The blackest day in the Jewish calendar.” Usually falls during August, climaxing nine days of mourning during which meat is not eaten and marriages are not performed. Commemorates both the First (586 B.C.) and Second (A.D. 70) destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. A deadly day of sorrow.
- tsuris (tsoo’-riss) Troubles.
- tuchis (tooh’-chhhss) The backside, the buttocks, your ass.
- tummel (tooh’-ml); tummeler (toohm’-eh-lrrr) Noise, commotion, noisy disorder. One who creates a lot of noise but accomplishes little; a funmaker, a live wire, a clown, the “life of the party.” You know when Jerry Lewis does a talk show and he starts eating the draperies and screaming and running so much you change the channel? He’s tummeling.
- varf (varf) To puke. Brechh.
- yarmulkah (yah’-mihl-keh) The skullcap worn by observing Jewish males.
- yeshiva (yeh-shee’-vah) A rabbinical college or seminary.
- yorzeit (yawr’-tzite) The anniversary of someone’s death, on which candles are lit and a prayer is said.
- zetz (zets) A strong blow or punch.
- Zsouchmoid (zoochhhhh’-moid) A native of Theta 996: VI, Cluster Messier 3 in Canes Venatici; like Evsise. (See illustration.)
(NOTE: The author wishes to give credit where due. The Yiddish words are mine, they come out of my childhood and my heritage, but some of the definitions have been adapted and based on those in Leo Rosten’s marvelous and utterly indispensable sourcebook, The Joys of Yiddish, published by McGraw-Hill, which I urge you to rush out and buy, simply as good reading.)