Chapter 15

Some of the animals thought the play was over, and started to go, but Freddy came out and asked them to remain seated. “And I hope you will please refrain from talking,” he said, “as this is a very important scene in the play.”

There was some whispering on the stage, and several people seemed to be moving around, and then the lights were turned on. There was a hitch in starting the play going again because Mrs. Wiggins really had gone to sleep and it took some time to wake her up, and after that it was several minutes before she remembered where she was. Then when she did, she got to laughing, and everybody had to wait for that. But pretty soon she quieted down and put her crown on again, and sent Emma for the royal jewels. But the jewels and the royal teapot were gone. Somebody had stolen them.

Well, the Queen was pretty upset. But although the teapot wasn’t of much value, she seemed more worried about it than about the jewels, because she was accustomed to having tea out of it every afternoon. Her tea wouldn’t seem the same out of any other teapot, she said. Then Sherlock Holmes was sent for, and he came in—it was Freddy, of course, in false whiskers and a peaked cap—and while the G-man lined up Captain Kidd and the Indians against the wall and asked them questions, Sherlock Holmes went around examining things through a magnifying glass, and trying to detect something.

Sherlock Holmes went round examining …

Pretty soon the Queen decided that she wanted to get down from her throne and look in the closet herself to make sure that the things really weren’t there. She started to get out of the phaeton, and Sir Walter took off his cloak and threw it down on the floor so she could step on it. It was a very courtly act, but unfortunately as he took off the cloak something flew out of it and tinkled on the floor. It was one of the pieces of glass.

“My diamond scepter!” exclaimed the Queen. “Guards, seize him!”

This part of the play was mostly in prose, as Freddy hadn’t had time to turn it all into verse.

So the rabbits came in, and in spite of Sir Walter’s protests, and Alice’s tears, they marched him away to have his head chopped off.

The G-man was being a G-man for all he was worth, and hustling the Indians around and he grabbed the Indian chief and shook him.

“Hey, take it easy, Jinx,” protested the chief. “All this rough stuff isn’t in the play.”

But Jinx went right on playing his part. “Quiet, you!” he said and gave the chief an extra shake, and another of the royal jewels flew out of his blanket.

“Guards!” shouted the Queen, and then the rabbits came in and led the chief away.

“Hey, your Majesty,” said the G-man, “I think I’d better search all these guys.”

So he did. He searched Captain Kidd, and didn’t find anything, but then he began searching the others, and on each one he found one of the jewels. And each time he found one, the guards came in and led away the culprit to have his head chopped off.

“Why, this is terrible,” said the Queen. “It’s a conspiracy.”

“It’s very queer,” said Sherlock Holmes. “They can’t all be guilty.”

“They’ve all got stolen goods on ’em,” said the G-man.

“How about you?” said Sherlock Holmes.

“Why I—I didn’t take anything,” said the G-man.

“Search him, guards,” said the Queen. So they searched the G-man, and sure enough, he had a stolen jewel in his hatband, and then he was led off.

Now there were only Alice and Emma and Sherlock Holmes and Captain Kidd and the Queen left.

“Well, Captain,” said the Queen, “you at least are innocent. And Sherlock Holmes wasn’t here when the robbery took place, so he is innocent. But the Lady Alice and the Lady Emma—”

“Your Majesty,” said Lady Emma, trembling, “I just found one of the royal jewels in my pocket. But I don’t know how it got there.”

“Oh, your Majesty,” sobbed Alice, “so did I.”

“So!” said the Queen, frowning terribly. “You don’t know how it got there, eh? Guards!” And the two ducks were led away, weeping bitterly.

“I can’t help feeling, your Majesty,” said Sherlock Holmes, “that you are perhaps making a mistake.”

“A mistake?” said the Queen. “The Queen never makes mistakes!”

“I beg Your Majesty’s pardon,” said Sherlock Holmes. “You have sent practically the entire court out to have their heads chopped off. You have recovered most of the crown jewels. But where is the royal teapot? It must be here in the throne room, because no one has left, except to be executed.”

“You have searched the room?” said the Queen.

“I have. And it is not to be found. But I still say, it must be in this room.”

“Well, I haven’t got it,” said the Queen crossly. “It’s too large to be concealed in a pocket.” She began patting herself all over, as if expecting to find the teapot on her person, then suddenly she gave them a horrified look. “Goodness gracious!” she said. “I’ve got one of the jewels myself!” Then she drew herself up, and it was a fine piece of acting. She looked every inch a queen. “Justice must be done,” she said regally. “Guards, take me out and chop off my head.”

“Oh, your Majesty, please!” protested Sherlock Holmes. “Even though you did have one of the jewels concealed on your person, it belongs to you. You can’t steal from yourself. And so it would not be right to execute yourself.”

“H’m,” said the Queen, “perhaps you’re right.”

“And besides,” continued Sherlock Holmes, “I know now who the thief is. I know who he must be. For there is only one thing in this room that I haven’t looked into, which is still large enough to conceal the teapot. And that is Captain Kidd’s hat.” And he rushed at the Captain and tore off his hat, and the teapot rolled out on the floor.

“Guards, do your duty,” said the Queen, and then as the rabbits surrounded Hank, she said: “Wait a minute. Before you have your head chopped off, Captain, perhaps you’d care to explain.”

So the Captain did. It was the teapot he had come to steal, he said. He didn’t want the jewels, because his piracy had been so successful that he had plenty. But he wanted the teapot for his old mother, who had never had a really nice one. Being a pirate, he was away from home a good deal, and his mother was pretty lonely. Of course, she didn’t know that he was a pirate; she thought he was in the real estate business. And she had said that if she only had a nice teapot, to have tea out of in the long evenings, she would be much happier. The Captain painted such an affecting picture of his poor old mother, sitting by the window, waiting for her son to come home, and wishing for a teapot, that the Queen was quite touched.

“It is too bad,” she said, “that you didn’t tell me all this. I would have been glad to send the old lady a nice teapot. Now, of course, you will have to lose your head. But I promise you that I’ll send her the teapot anyway.”

The Captain said that made him feel much better. “And I should tell you, your Majesty,” he said, “that I didn’t want all these other courtiers to lose their heads. While you were taking your nap I stole the jewels, and hid the teapot in my hat, and then I sneaked around and hid one jewel in the clothes of each person in the room. I thought since there were so many of them, you would just have them put into prison, and then when all the jewels turned up you would be so happy that you would forget about the teapot, and release all the prisoners. Because you’d know they couldn’t all be guilty.”

The Captain had just finished talking when there was a sound of excited voices outside and the door flew open and in came all those who had been led out to be executed, headed by Sir Walter, and flung themselves down at the Queen’s feet.

“What’s this! What’s this!” exclaimed the Queen. “What are you doing in here with your heads on? Why haven’t my orders been carried out?”

The head guard, who was Georgie in a gold paper hat, came forward and knelt down.

GEORGIE

Your Majesty’s orders were perfectly clear:

To chop off the head of each prisoner here,

But we just couldn’t do it. I know that we’ll rue it,

And your Majesty’ll think us most frightfully lax,

But the truth of the thing is—we can’t find the axe!

THE QUEEN

You can’t find the axe?

GEORGIE

No, your Majesty, no.

No, your Majesty, no. We’ve hunted most everywhere, looked high and low.

And even the prisoners helped us, because

They said that obeying your Majesty’s laws

Was much more important than keeping their heads.

But we’ve looked in the closets, we’ve looked under beds,

We’ve examined all corners and crannies and cracks,

But, Your Majesty, honest, we can’t find the axe.

THE QUEEN

Well, the teapot is found, and the thief has confessed,

So perhaps after all it is all for the best.

But remember, next time that I order heads cut off

I mean what I say, and I will not be put off

With such reprehensibly, quite indefensibly

—Yes, I may say even incomprehensibly Weak and unlikely excuses. Now go, And take and confine in the dungeons below

This piratical captain. And then you make tracks,

And go down to the corner and buy a new axe.

SIR WALTER

Oh, your Majesty, please; now you’ve pardoned the rest of us,

And since Kidd,—as a poet at least,—is the best of us,

Why not carry it through and pardon him too?

It would be a most gracious and kind thing to do.

THE QUEEN

Sir Walter, your thoughtfulness does you much credit,

But I don’t like to take back a thing when I’ve said it.

It’s the man I condemn, it isn’t the poet.

And yet—well, Sir Walter, I feel that I owe it

To you and to Alice, since tomorrow you’ll wed,

To give Kidd, since you ask it, a chance for his head.

If he’ll find me a rhyme for “seventy,” I’m

Quite willing to pardon his terrible crime.

CAPTAIN KIDD

To find a rhyme for “seventy” You use the letters “f” and “t.”

THE QUEEN

You’d better try again.

CAPTAIN KIDD

Or you can say: in heaven tea

Is served at half past ten.

Well, the Queen thought this was pretty awful, but after all, he’d tried hard, and he had made a rhyme. So she pardoned him, and promised to have a duplicate of the royal teapot made for his old mother, and the play ended in general rejoicing.

The applause was deafening, and all the actors took several curtain calls, and Mrs. Wiggins took three, and finally had to make a speech.

“Thank you, my friends,” she said, “we have done what we could to give you some pleasure. You have been very good—” Here she broke off and said, “My goodness, I can’t stop talking poetry!” So she tried again. “I only wanted to mention that we’re grateful for your—” Then she stopped again. “Well, anyway,” she said quickly, “thanks!”