‘A family reunion,’ said Billy. ‘Perfect.’
He should have been surprised to see Eleanor, but he was long past anything surprising him today. If another Eleanor had stepped out from behind her, he would merely have shrugged.
‘It’s not impossible to have two sets of identical twins in the same family,’ Eleanor said.
‘And hello to you too,’ Billy said.
He looked around the police station: at his mother, his (for want of a better word) father, the two Sallies and Thandie, who looked like she was about to keel over from shock. And there he was: William Evans. Scratching his chin the way Billy did when he felt nervous. Billy realised that he was also scratching his chin. They both dropped their hands at once. It was like looking into one of those distorting mirrors at a fairground, except that instead of making him look grotesque, this reflection made him look successful. At least William Evans was just as bald as he was.
‘I’m Bill,’ said William Evans, holding out his hand.
‘Billy.’
They shook hands for a moment. Then Bill pulled Billy in and hugged him. Billy resisted briefly, then gave into it.
‘This is incredible,’ said Bill. ‘I can hardly begin to process it.’
‘You had no idea?’ said Billy.
‘None. Although I do keep writing twins into my plays. Maybe this is why. A long-buried memory of you.’
‘I didn’t know about you either. Mum always said there was just one of me.’
They both turned and faced Eleanor.
‘Statistically, it’s only a one in three thousand chance,’ said Eleanor. ‘Two sets of identical twins …’
‘I think it’s time we told the truth,’ said Madoc said to her.
‘Look at where we are,’ Eleanor hissed.
‘Look at who is here,’ Madoc replied. He raised his voice. ‘Excuse me, everyone. These people are clones. This woman and I made them. We have all kinds of evidence to prove it, should that be required. Nobody is mad, and nobody should be sectioned. Our apologies for all the harm we have done. I for one certainly regret it.’ He looked pointedly at Eleanor.
Dr Patel shuffled into a corner. Billy heard him speaking into his phone: ‘I won’t be needing you after all. False alarm. Yes, it turned out they were clones after all. I know, I’m surprised too.’
One of the police officers who had brought Bill in said to the desk sergeant, ‘If we arrest them for human cloning, we’re going to have to interview all of these people as witnesses, aren’t we?’
‘Is human cloning illegal?’ said the desk sergeant.
‘Yes, I think so,’ said the other arresting officer. ‘It’s not something that comes up a lot.’
‘We’ll have to interview them all,’ repeated the first officer, ‘and we’ll have to process that woman again.’
They all looked over at Eleanor.
‘Maybe we can just let them go,’ said the desk sergeant. ‘I mean, it’s not like we’re catching them in the act of cloning right now.’
‘Would you mind doing me a favour?’ Bill said to Billy, getting out his phone. He put his arm around Billy’s shoulders and took a photo of the two of them together. Then he texted it to Anthony. He wrote: ‘I love you. Do you still love me?’
‘Don’t you think this would make a wonderful play?’ he said. ‘Maybe without the cloning part, nobody would ever believe that. But two sets of long lost twins, mistaken for one another, all set in one day in a seaside town …’
Billy nodded, watching him more than he was listening to him. We’re not the same person, he thought. We’ve got the same body, but we haven’t lived the same life. We’ve got the same brain, but we haven’t got the same mind. There is no other me. He laughed suddenly and threw his arms around his brother.
‘We already hugged!’ said Bill, laughing an identical laugh.
‘Yes, but this time I mean it,’ said Billy.
‘So, yeah,’ he could hear Sally explaining to Sal, ‘I think he did like me, but I messed it up by telling him about how we were both made out of hair, I think he thought I was nuts. But if you come to the newsagent with me, then he’ll see that there really are two of me, and then maybe he’ll want to call me. Except he won’t need to call me, because I’ll be standing right there.’
‘Does he have any tattoos?’ said Sal.
The door to the station opened again. ‘Oh, God,’ said the desk sergeant, ‘what now?’
Everyone looked to see who had come in.
‘For crying out loud,’ said Eleanor. ‘I admitted kicking you, OK? What more do you want?’
Anthony rolled his eyes. ‘I’m not here to see you.’
He walked over to Billy and kissed him.
‘Wrong clone,’ said Billy, disengaging himself.
‘How did you know I was here?’ said Bill.
‘I was here for ages this morning giving a statement, and I recognised the “Don’t Drink and Drive” poster behind your heads,’ Anthony said. ‘And yes, I do love you.’ He kissed the correct clone. ‘By the way,’ he added, ‘there’s an ice cream van illegally parked outside. I haven’t ticketed it. I do have a soul.’
With Bill happily in the clutches of his lover, Madoc talking to the two Sallies with great excitement and Eleanor watching the whole scene somewhat sadly, Billy made his way over to Thandie, who had sunk into a seat and was shaking her head. He sat down beside her.
‘I’ve got so many thoughts and they’re all trying to get out at the same time,’ said Thandie. ‘It’s like a traffic jam. I don’t think I can say anything to you just yet.’
‘Well then, let me go first,’ said Billy. He looked for the exact right words to say. Then he thought, screw the exact right words. ‘I was a total shit,’ he said. ‘I told myself it was OK because you didn’t know I wasn’t him, but it wasn’t OK. I’m sorry. The thing is, I’m not a very good person. I don’t think I ever have been. Coming back here might be the first time I have ever done the right thing. I have to say I kind of like it.’ He paused. ‘You know which one I am, right? I’m the other one. Not your husband.’
‘Yes, I know,’ said Thandie. ‘The two of you are actually pretty different.’
‘Anyway, like I said, I’m sorry. I know that’s not enough. I wish I hadn’t slept with you. Even though – no, I still wish I hadn’t. We can tell the police if you like. I’ll admit everything. We’re in the right place for it.’
‘No need for that,’ said Thandie. ‘I’m not saying I forgive you. But these are unusual circumstances.’
They sat in silence for a little while. Then Billy said, ‘If things had been different, I might have asked you to dinner.’
‘If things had been different, I might have said yes.’ Thandie half smiled, then looked away. ‘But they’re not different. And even if they were, I don’t think I can ever date a writer again. Not after being married to Shakespeare.’
‘But I’m not a writer,’ said Billy.
‘Aren’t you?’ said Thandie.
‘No.’
‘So what are you?’
Billy smiled. ‘I have absolutely no idea.’