Isn’t it grand what an oyster can do with a morsel of sand?
What couldn’t we do if we’d only begin
With some of the things that get under our skin.
—AUTHOR UNKNOWN
A good exercise for the heart is bending down and helping someone to get up.
—PROVERB
“When life gives you lemons make lemonade” is a catchphrase that has come to stand for turning life’s adversity into benefit for yourself or others. To make lemonade means to rise above the lousy hand you were dealt, making the best of it and helping others despite or in spite of it. My colleague and friend, Linda Lowitz, practices this principle on a daily basis. For many years she has been wheelchair bound with crippling rheumatoid arthritis—the most severe form. It came on gradually, increasingly degrading her mobility and quality of life. She watched her independence disappear as she lost many abilities, finally giving in to the need for a wheelchair over a decade ago. Nevertheless she has always kept her faith in life, her sense of humor, and her desire to help others. Throughout her physical decline, she maintained her job at the Los Angeles Department of Veterans Affairs where she worked as a social worker helping traumatized veterans. As she became ever more disabled, she adjusted her office and transportation to make it possible to continue, becoming a recognized and well-respected figure rolling around the VA. Even in retirement, she continues to advocate for the rights of the disabled, particularly in the schools. When I picture the concept of making lemonade, it is Linda Lowitz who first comes to my mind.
An important aspect of recovery for many of you will be to find a meaning in your experience that can turn at least some of your tragedy into benefit, at least for you and perhaps also for others. However, when you add making lemonade to your recovery process will depend on timing and your own abilities and circumstances. When reeling in the immediate aftermath of trauma, few are in a frame of mind or body to consider how such an experience could have any beneficial aspects. By inclusion of this key, I do not, in any way, make light of trauma—remember, I have had PTSD; I have also been in your shoes. However, if this idea is either a turnoff or premature for your situation, skip this key or postpone it to a more appropriate time for you.
How you make lemonade will depend on many factors, including timing. In some circumstances, such as when trauma hits an entire family, neighborhood, or community, lending help to others can (and should) be done right away. Whatever you can do for others who are going through the same thing as you (e.g., earthquake, flood, shooting) will also help you. The ways in which many acutely traumatized people helped each other following the terrorism of September 11, 2001, and Hurricane Katrina are good examples. In general, those who jump in to help fare much better in the long term than those who do not. In other instances, making lemonade may need to be postponed until you are further through your recovery or even wait until you are fully recovered. Your mindful gauge and common sense can be helpful to you in determining if, how, and when to make lemonade.
My own situation may serve as another example. PTSD knocked me down for several years, shaking me to my core. Making lemonade never even crossed my mind. I struggled on a daily basis to meet my basic needs and obligations. Eventually I was able to make lemonade through my professional activities and through writing books. Admittedly, I did not set out consciously to do that. That was not my deliberate intention. My formulated viewpoint and writing came later. In the beginning I was reacting, sometimes angrily, to the many misguided steps and unhelpful interventions I had endured in the years when no one really knew how to help someone with trauma. I channeled my anger toward figuring out what went wrong and what I found helpful. My goal gradually focused on making trauma recovery easier on others than it had been on me. For the most part, I had been pushed prematurely into overwhelming processes with no checks or balances to slow down or stop once the process had been set in motion. Years later as I delved into studying trauma (theory, history, treatments) and began to lecture, many people came forward to tell me of similar experiences—of their own and others they knew. Some of these individuals suffered periods of (or even permanent) severe dysfunction as a result of improper or insufficient treatment. Because of the multitude of such known incidents (I suspect there are also many that never come to light) I became determined to better educate those who have been traumatized, giving them solid information and a greater number of recovery options and strategies. I have also endeavored to contribute to the knowledge and tools of trauma professionals. That is how I have made (and continue making) lemonade from my trauma lemons. In this, I am not alone. There are truly many who have made lemonade from their trauma, including most of my colleagues who specialize in helping others to recover from trauma. Just about every professional I have met who specializes in the field of traumatic stress has experienced trauma themselves—I think of us as a profession of wounded healers.
In addition, everyday people are turning their adversity into advantage. Helping or advocating for others is a frequent way that traumatized individuals make lemonade with their trauma lemons. Organizations such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), the Reach to Recovery volunteers from the American Cancer Society, the television series America’s Most Wanted, the Matthew Shepard Foundation, and the Amber Alert Program all resulted from trauma survivors turning their rotten experiences into help for others. They each made lemonade from their tragedy and made it possible for other people to become active and do the same. Also, it is important to note that there are people everywhere making lemonade without becoming famous. They are helping neighbors, friends, and family, volunteering to help the elderly, children, the homeless, and getting involved in political campaigns and community projects.
What you eventually do may or may not be directly connected to your trauma. Of course you will need to take care not to jump into something that actually makes you feel worse, triggers flashbacks, or the like. Make sure what you do decreases your symptoms. If you become worse, you will need to find something else. Timing is also an important consideration. It would not be wise to feel pushed by the message of this chapter into jumping in too quickly or doing too much. If you feel unable to go out, you might begin with activities that can be done by phone or over the Internet. Use your mindful gauge as well as your common sense to help you to optimize the choice of what you do as well as determining how much and when.
You do not need a big project or publicity to make lemonade. You just have to do something that helps someone else, even just a little. The trick will be to focus on what you can and want to do. Put your sights on your abilities rather than your deficits. For example, my friend Linda, discussed above, could not take on any task that demanded physical ability, but as a skilled listener and social worker she could still help the veterans in her care. Max (Key 5B) became an activist, beginning with just an hour or two a month and gradually increasing his commitment.
Another relevant reason to make lemonade is to provide yourself with activities and projects that will occupy you with something to think about besides trauma. The more productive and involved you become—with family, work, religious group, volunteerism, and so on—the better off you will be. Too many trauma survivors allow its aftermath to engulf whole days of their lives. This is one of the most debilitating things people do in the wake of trauma. It can be downright crippling. I hope that this chapter will inspire and energize you to do something for yourself by helping someone else, countering the effects of trauma through being active and useful.
For making lemonade from lemons, you may find it helpful to draw on several of the previous keys:
The Case
Slight of build and slightly bowed, gray-haired Francine was nearing retirement when the bank she worked in was robbed. She had been an eyewitness to the organized invasion and the shooting of two of her coworkers. The robbers had not harmed her, declaring, “We don’t hurt grandmothers!” Nonetheless, she had been so devastated by the incident that she was never able to return to work again.
Francine was at a loss for how to cope with what had happened. Though she had not feared for her own life, the violence and brutality she witnessed were overwhelming for her. She spent more and more time at home and lost interest in previous pleasures, including a local dance club. She just could not face the cheerfulness of the members and the liveliness of the meetings. Her friends became increasingly concerned as she continued to decline their invitations. Since no one she knew had been through anything similar, she felt they could no longer relate to her.
The degree of isolation Francine felt following the robbery is frequent among victims of trauma. Being the only one, or one of few, to experience something so extreme can leave the survivor feeling totally alone. It is one of the reasons that making lemonade by helping others who have suffered something similar can be so helpful to both.
Apply a Little Theory
We have few areas of research in the trauma field that decisively show interventions that help victims of trauma to recover. One area where research results appear fairly clear includes recent studies that identify a sense of purpose as having a huge effect on trauma recovery. That combined with a sense of control appears to have an even greater positive effect. So blending the two, finding purpose and gaining control, through consciously making lemonade makes for a powerful combination.
In the wake of the terrorist attacks of September 11, KNBC TV in Los Angeles set up a call-in trauma hotline staffed by area volunteer psychotherapists. The response was huge. Many, many therapists (including myself) were eager to help. The station was so inundated with volunteers that they had to restrict us each to only a single 4-hour shift. That was frustrating for many who had hoped to have a way to help over several days. I suspect that consciously or unconsciously, most of us knew from previous situations and experience with clients that the more helpfully involved we could become, the better we would cope ourselves. And that proved true for those who were calling in for help also. The ones who were isolated at home (either by choice or physical circumstance) seemed to fare the worst. Those who were able to get out, help others, invite family and friends to their homes, and so on managed much better. I encouraged almost everyone I talked to during my volunteer shift to either go out somewhere where others might be gathering (e.g., church, a restaurant, or community center) or ask someone to come to them (e.g., for coffee, dinner, or to watch a movie).
On that day I was reminded of the reciprocal nature of helping others; it is really a two-way street. The helper gains from the act of helping as much or more than the helpee. For that reason I have never believed in altruism, though that in no way diminishes my enthusiasm for it. The benefit to the giver is just a bonus; it does not lessen the gift. Helping someone else to manage or to feel better will almost always help you.
Discovering the Key
I grew increasingly concerned for Francine’s isolation. She could not motivate herself to get together with friends or attend the dancing group. Walks around her neighborhood were her only activity. Sometimes she would briefly, if superficially, chat with adults or children she met on the street. However, the conversations would not last long before she would hurry home, where she felt the most comfortable.
The fact that Francine would periodically complain about the youths who hung about “looking bored” or “on the edge of mischief” gave me hope for her. Despite her anger (or maybe because of it), when she talked about these kids she became much more animated than at any other time during our contacts. I waited a while before pointing this out, hoping my timing would be lucky. When I did finally ask her about it, she agreed. Thinking about how the schools were “falling short” made her feel very “stirred up.” I asked if the strength of her feelings had any other origins. She considered that for a moment and then made a connection to her own situation: She wondered if the bank robbers had once been like the local teens, hanging about on her street.
“What if they were?” I asked. “How would you go about changing their destiny?”
Francine was clearly surprised by my question. Of course she had complained to friends and family about the kids’ bored sulking. But she had not thought much about what might underlie their apathy or if she could do anything about it.
“I suppose I would try to get them more interested in school, see if they could make a better future for themselves,” Francine proposed. We agreed that education was a possible antidote to crime that is generated from boredom and lack of purpose. But we also shared the opinion that it was a condition that she was not likely to be able to change. On the other hand, I suggested, she might be able to make a small dent in it. “Maybe,” she said.
An idea was beginning to take shape in my mind. “What was your best subject in school?” I wondered. She was good at mathematics, which was why she had been successful working at the bank, working with numbers. My next question was about the kids. Were there any of them who might be able to use a little help with their math homework? Francine suspected all of them did, but zeroed in on a 12-year-old girl who also seemed somewhat neglected.
“Sometimes I wish I could get my hands on her,” Francine confided. “I would love to be able to help her.”
“Really? Well, why don’t you?” I challenged her. I was actually holding my breath, excited that she was taking to this idea. It had seemed to evolve naturally enough but I did not want to push her into it. However, she appeared to be enthusiastic, something I had never seen in her before.
Our dialogue turned to strategizing how she might approach the girl with an offer of free tutoring. For both their sakes, I suggested they start with a trial meeting of only 15–30 minutes. They could test each other and see if there would be a basis to continue. We discussed and then rehearsed how Francine might approach both the girl to assess her interest and the girl’s mother to obtain permission.
The next week Francine looked more lively than I had ever seen her. The girl had been shy, but interested. As the mother did not really care one way or the other, the way was clear. They had a first tutorial and made a date for a second. Through the following weeks, Francine’s emotional state improved. She began going to church again, taking the girl with her. They were a good fit, so their relationship grew. The girl provided Francine with companionship and purpose. In return she gradually became a kind of safe harbor for the girl as well as helping her to improve her grades. Over time, Francine became more and more involved in the girl’s education and future.
Francine’s was not an unusual situation. I have heard similar stories from many: Adults, often retirees, forming bonds with one or more area kids in need of someone to take interest in them. Sometimes they do this through organized programs such as the Big Brother and Big Sister or Foster Grandparents groups. However, many form relationships informally. Several people in my own personal network have done exactly that. One now has an “adopted grandson.” Another keeps a close connection with a couple of inner-city teens. Actually, I also had an “adopted mother.” Her name was Margie and I dedicated my first book to her. So I know firsthand how valuable it can be for both parties in such relationships.
Applications for You
When you are ready, it would be a good idea to brainstorm something you could do—just a little—for someone else. It might even be a good idea to brainstorm before you feel ready to actually do something, just so you have options prepared ahead of time. There are several ways to approach this, likely more than I will outline in the following exercises. I will start you off with a few ideas in the hope that if none suit you, the examples will inspire you to realize or create what does suit you. Often people suffering from trauma wait and wait for something to change. The longer they wait, the more paralyzed they become. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to do something—almost anything—for someone else. Doing for others will do good for you.
How Will I Know if I Am Ready to Make Lemonade?
It is a little tricky to answer this question. Like nearly everything else we have discussed in this book, the answer is very individual to your circumstances, needs, and body. Your mindful gauge should be a good help here. Imagine scenarios and pay attention to the response of your gauge for guidance. Be forewarned—sometimes getting started with making lemonade is similar to getting started with moving and exercise (see Key 7). At times it can be necessary to push yourself to take the first small step as a way to prime the rest of your steps. That is what I did with Francine, above, in challenging her about the neighbor girl. She was fairly ready to do something, but needed a small prod to get herself in motion. It is not always easy to determine when reluctance means, “No! Not now!” and when it means, “I’d like to take the first step, but can’t quite do it.” This is where your gauge might prove especially useful, in distinguishing nuances.
In general, consider such things as:
Exercise 1: Could Someone in Your Neighborhood Use Help?
How about a lonely elderly person who could use a visit now and then or even just help taking out the trash? Is there a child you could tutor, like Francine? Or, for that matter, the dog of an invalid who would love to go for a walk? It does not matter who or what. The goal is to help and, in so doing, to add to your own sense of usefulness and purpose.
Try just one small act of helpfulness and evaluate how you feel. Use your gauge to determine if it is beneficial for you. If you realize a positive effect, then carry on. If you have a negative reaction, look at the task and the timing and consider what would better suit you. Be patient. It may take several experiments before you settle on something that works for both you as helper and the one you are helping.
Do not be discouraged if someone does not want or need your help. There are those who are either shy to accept help or interpret it as weakness. That has nothing to do with you. So take any rejection in stride and offer your help to someone else.
Exercise 2: What Kind of Volunteer Work Could You Do?
Make a list of any kind of volunteer work you might be able to do now or at stages in the future, whether it is only once or on a regular basis, for 10 minutes, half an hour, or half a day. You might need to do a bit of research. The Internet is one way to find groups in need of help. Your local United Way office can be a good place to start. They will know of many organizations. Remember that volunteer work can be done at home or away from it. If you are lacking companionship or fairly isolated, consider an activity that would bring you into contact with others, even if only by telephone. Use your mindful gauge to evaluate what (and when) is best for you.
Exercise 3: What Have You Learned From Your Trauma?
List anything and everything you have learned from your experience that could be useful to someone else. If you have several traumas, you might make separate lists. Focus on the enabling aspects rather than the disabling, for example, “I learned to be independent” instead of “I was neglected.” For this key to be useful, the emphasis must be on learning that has or could help you or others. How could you use that knowledge to better yourself, someone else, or your world? For example, many of those who were abused as children become highly determined not to hurt their own children and to intervene when they see (or hear of) someone else abusing a child.
Exercise 4: What Can You Take From Your Own Traumatic Experiences That Could Help Another?
Examples of ways your experiences could benefit others might include:
Evaluate This Key
After you have had one or more experiences of helping another—no matter how brief—take time to evaluate if the timing or task has or has not been good for you. Use your mindful gauge to help you determine if you should carry on or if you would be better off changing something or even postponing future attempts.
Plan How to (or Not to) Use This Key
When you find which lemonade-making activities suit you, work out a structure for doing them on a regular basis. What timing works best for you: daily, alternate days, weekly, biweekly, monthly, yearly? Set a date to evaluate how you are faring. Take a look at whether you want to change one or more things you are doing or change the schedule, and so on.
If you decide that it is not a good time for you to make lemonade, set a date when you will revisit the idea for reevaluation. Just because it is not good for you now in no way means that it will not be useful ever. As with most things, good timing is crucial.