English-speaking people find it quite easy to mix their business and social lives, to talk about their jobs at a cocktail party or mix with colleagues in a social setting. Until recently this was not the case in Germany, where business and social life were kept quite separate, and it was even considered inappropriate to discuss one’s personal life at work, or work issues in a social environment. American and British people working in German companies were surprised by the way that their colleagues could work together for twenty-five years and never once address each other by their first names, or use the personal pronoun “du” (the intimate form of “you”), and by the fact that they might know next to nothing about each other’s private lives. Things have lightened up since those days, but an element of this remains, particularly among the older generation. To people who are used to forming many of their friendships, and even romantic relationships, with colleagues at the office, this separation of work and social life can be quite frustrating, but for the Germans it is perfectly natural. Quite simply, they have another system.
Friendship means something quite special to the Germans and is not a term they use lightly. Most Germans have a small, closely knit circle of friends, and a wider network of acquaintances. Their friendships are generally formed at school and university, and are often quite local. American and British people tend to have more friends, but the relationship is often looser. For the Germans friendships are made much more slowly, but once made are closer and last for life. So it is important for visitors to Germany to recognize that friendships are not made quickly or casually, and are not formed in the office. It is also important to remember that the Germans keep private and public life separate.
Working in the Schrebergarten.
So where do you meet Germans, and how do you make friends? The Germans work hard during working hours, but also play hard outside them. Many are also quite fit—so sports clubs and leisure activities play a large part in many Germans’ lifestyles. Gardening is very popular, and city apartment dwellers can indulge their passion in a Schrebergarten, or allotment garden. In all parts of Germany there are country trails with designated areas for keep-fit exercises and jogging or walking tracks. Even the Sunday afternoon walk (Sonntagsspaziergang) is an important habit. Outdoor activities in the summer range from football to open-air theater. There are even Grillplätze (barbecue points) provided in parks and woods for families and friends to hold barbecues.
Grillplatz, designated barbecue area.
Working hours in Germany are based on the Working Time Act (Arbeitszeitgesetz), which specifies a 40 hour work week and no working on Sundays and national holidays. The maximum acceptable number of working hours over a six month period is 48 hours a week.
Working hours in German companies can be very flexible, although most organizations work eight hours a day with a (sometimes quite short) lunch break.
Most business is done between Monday and Friday, but manufacturing and retail companies may also work Saturdays. A Ministry directive in 2013 stipulated that civil servants were not expected to work or open work related e-mails on weekends to allow time for rest and recuperation.
The Germans are great travelers and reasonably generous holiday entitlements encourage this. Most companies allow 24 days a year if you work a six-day week and 20 days a year if you work a five-day week. However, many companies offer vacation entitlements of 25 to 30 days a year.
A corollary of the close friend/acquaintance split in Germany is the use of greetings. American and British people are becoming more and more used to a very informal mode of greeting, with waves, nods of the head, and a casual “Hi,” and often to the use of first names from the start. It is a salutary experience to realize that the Germans still maintain a degree of formality in greetings. Handshaking on arrival and departure is the norm, as is the use of surnames and even titles. In a business environment it used to be important to observe not just the title, but the number of titles. For example, “Herr Professor Dr. Dr. Schmidt” might be a Professor with two doctorates to his name. The procedure when meeting people is to assume formality and to ask people how they would like to be addressed if you are not sure. You will find that the younger generation of Germans are impatient with this degree of protocol and are shaking it off.
The key to assessing how to address people is to know how much respect to accord them. The Germans set great store by this, and it is important not to overlook it. For the Americans, and increasingly the British, the aim is to move into an informal mode of address as quickly as possible. The Germans are happy to maintain a more formal mode of address for a much longer time into a relationship.
Like many other European languages German makes a distinction not just between the singular and plural pronoun “you,” but between the formal and informal “you.” The informal “you” is du, used only for family and close friends, and Sie for everybody else. English has no such distinction, so English-speakers using German would naturally tend to slip into the informal du as soon as possible. This does not happen in Germany. If you address someone by their first name and use du it may be seen as rude and presumptuous, although among students and now in some international companies, especially where English is the language of communication, the use of first names, even with du, has become acceptable. If in doubt, stay with Sie and the surname.
On the other hand, Germans are experts at code-switching (switching between formal and informal styles of address when foreigners are around). Among themselves, they will use the formal term and surname, yet happily switch to the informal first name and even the more intimate du when addressing the foreigner.
Reverse Culture Shock
Rosa returned to Germany after four years living and working in informal Britain. After few weeks a close colleague at work suggested they move from the more formal Sie to the less formal du. Rosa refused. She hadn’t known the colleague long enough, but she was personally quite surprised to find the Sie convention still so ingrained after four years abroad.
In spite of this formality, you will find that in shops in the west of Germany people will automatically say “Guten Tag” (“Good day”), or in Bavaria “Grüss Gott” (“God greet you”), to everybody generally when entering the store, and “Auf Wiedersehen” (“Goodbye”) on leaving. You should do the same.
On the whole the Germans are friendly and hospitable toward foreigners, especially if they are tourists or on business. This does not mean that they don’t appreciate your efforts to address them in German. It is well worth trying to use some German, even if only when exchanging greetings, as you will get a better response, even if you make mistakes. People who might react coolly if asked, “Do you speak English?” will respond positively in English if you are able to say in German, “Entschuldigen Sie bitte, Sprechen Sie Englisch?” The cautious answer will usually be, “Ein Bisschen” (“a bit”), but most Germans speak and understand English quite well.
The Germans today, perhaps partly in response to their past, are on the whole very courteous and open, and very concerned not to allow racism or violence against foreigners. The small outbreaks of disaffected youth attacking foreign workers and sporting right-wing or Nazi slogans are as disapproved of by their fellow Germans as they are by most foreigners.
The best way of making new friends in Germany is to join a club. The Germans like to pursue their leisure interests through clubs. Decide what you are interested in, then find a club that offers it. The local town hall or library will have a list of clubs. In major cities expatriate groups will have their own clubs, catering to foreigners and Germans alike. There are Ambassadors’ clubs, American women’s and men’s clubs, Anglo-French clubs, International men’s and women’s clubs, Kiwani clubs, Lion and Lioness clubs, and Rotary clubs. You can also join the International Toastmasters. Another way of meeting people, although not Germans, is to learn German. The cheapest way of doing this is to enroll at the local German adult education college. This is called the Volkshochschule, or “People’s” High School.
Music group at the Volkshochschule in Detmold, North Rhine-Westphalia.
The Germans are not all great home entertainers, so an invitation to someone’s house may be an honor, and it is important to accept. Arriving ten to fifteen minutes late is fine, but don’t be later than that. Arriving early is considered wrong. Unlike their American and British counterparts, your hosts probably won’t give you a tour of the house, but the whole house will have been cleaned and tidied for your visit, the best china and cutlery laid out, and good food bought and prepared.
Like all countries, Germany has various entertaining rituals. They may invite you to join them for Kaffee und Kuchen (coffee and pastries) on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon around 4:00 p.m. On these occasions guests sit down to relaxed conversations over coffee or tea and German pastries for a couple of hours.
Invitations to dinner may be earlier than you expect—6:30 p.m. or 7:00 p.m. is not uncommon—and punctuality is expected. On the other hand, it is not appreciated if you leave too early—11:00 p.m. is fine. During the meal toasts will be drunk. It is not appropriate to lift your glass until the first toast has been drunk. There is generally much raising of glasses and looking people in the eye before enjoying the wine, again a moment of formality in a convivial and relaxed atmosphere. The toast for wine is “Zum wohl,” and for beer is “Prost.”
After a meal guests sit around and chat. This is called Unterhaltung—conversational entertainment—and is an important part of the evening. If you are invited for 8:30 p.m. it may be not for a meal, but for after-dinner coffee and cheese.
By the way, when sitting down to lunch you may hear the greeting “Mahlzeit” (originally Gesegnete Mahlzeit, blessed meal) as a way of wishing you a good meal. The appropriate response is “Mahlzeit” or “Danke” (Thank you).
Many countries have elaborate gift-giving rituals. Germany does not. There is no giving of presents to colleagues, and in offices the “secret Santa,” giving cards or gifts, doesn’t happen. If, in the course of business, small gifts are exchanged, at the end of a successful deal for example, they should not contain a company logo or cost more than 25 euros. Intimate personal gifts, such as perfume or jewelry, are not appropriate. These are for family and close friends to give. There is also a residual superstition about not giving pointed objects.
If you are invited to someone’s house, it is appropriate to bring gifts for your host and hostess. Bring wine only if it is really special: Germans know their wine and have good cellars. Good quality chocolates are always acceptable, as are flowers. Avoid lilies and chrysanthemums (associated with funerals) and red roses (which are for lovers). Odd numbers are popular, but 6 and 12 are acceptable, and 13, although odd, is definitely considered unlucky. Florists abound in German cities and will happily advise you on the right sort of flowers and the right size of bouquet for any event. There is also a convention that you should unwrap the flowers before presenting them to your host and hostess and leave the paper on the hall table! Maybe an easier and more ecologically sound way of giving flowers is to present them tied together but unwrapped.
A word about wrapping gifts. Germany is a tidy-wrapping country. If you are not a proficient wrapper, get it done in the store where you buy the present. Also avoid non-biodegradable wrapping, as the Germans are very pollution-conscious.
Certain social conventions, all but lost in English-speaking countries, still exist in Central Europe and parts of Germany and Austria. Men may stand up when an important person, or women, or older people enter a room, as a mark of respect. Men may precede a woman when entering a bar or restaurant, help her with her coat, and hold the door open for her, and prefer to walk on the left-hand side when out-of-doors, or nearest to the curb. If this happens, and it is fairly rare, simply enjoy it as old-fashioned courtesy, not affectation.