Lena watched the first rays of the sun brighten the sky. Streaks of red and orange blended with the bluish-gray and caused a splash of color to greet the world. She loved sunrises, often woke for the sole purpose of enjoying the living palette that painted itself over the landscape. Today she barely acknowledged the wonder of another day. All she could think about was how many hours had passed since the SUV carrying her family had crashed and what hell Gwen had endured over the span of time.
They’d arrived at Maggie’s lodge almost an hour ago. In that time, she’d stood on the sidelines and listened to Devin and Kade try to convince Molly to shift to no avail. After Molly had fallen asleep, they’d moved on to discussing the medical facilities where Molly had been kept. As soon as Kade had started relaying the horrors of what had occurred there, Devin had ushered Lena out. She hadn’t argued either. Although she’d heard the stories firsthand from Molly, she didn’t need a repeat.
Shifters weren’t the only inhabitants in those atrocious places. With Gwen missing, Lena couldn’t help inserting her sweet sister’s image in place of those victims. Thinking of Molly there was bad enough. It gave her nightmares, the kind that made her curl into a ball, clutching her stuffed jaguar, and yanking the covers over her head.
Only knowing that the Leon ancestor had shielded Molly—physically and mentally—from all those horrors had stopped Lena from losing control completely.
But Gwen didn’t have anyone to protect her.
The door clicked closed, and Devin’s scent wrapped around her, cocooning her in a blanket of evergreen and moss. The rapid beat of her heart slowed, and the anxiety that had grown the second she’d left him in the kitchen with Kade eased.
Twenty minutes, that was all they’d been separated—it could’ve been years. He’d only been a few rooms away, yet she couldn’t stop wondering if he was still close by. If he was alive. Determination rooted her to the spot by the window when all she wanted to do was go back to him. He had needed time with Kade to discuss Gwen’s situation. Goodness knew she wouldn’t have been any help. Guilt stopped her from looking at the problem logically.
Devin stepped behind her. Warmth radiated along her back first, then his breath stirred the tendrils of her hair. Thick arms wrapped around her waist. He nuzzled her cheek, the only way she could describe the gentle, nudging, circular caress. It wasn’t something a human would do, but Devin wasn’t human. That undeniable fact made their relationship challenging to say the least. Complicated was more like it, and also something she didn’t want to deal with, not while tragedy loomed over them.
Too bad life wouldn’t stop so she could wallow in self-pity or worry.
But she didn’t have to deal with it alone.
She had a mate. A part of her she’d never known she was missing. She covered Devin’s hands and drew them tighter around her.
“Why?”
Devin released the lock of hair he’d been toying with. “Why, what?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He rested his chin on her shoulder. She didn’t know how he could pull off such a thing—the man was over a foot taller than she was. He did, though, and his contented sigh told her he enjoyed holding her this way.
“You need to be more specific. I should’ve told you many things sooner than I had.”
She turned in his embrace, ran her hands over the expanse of his chest, and studied his expressive face. “About what would happen if I die.”
“I wanted you to pick me willingly. Because of how you felt, not out of guilt. I already made one decision that would affect your life. It seemed wrong to coerce you into one that would affect you for an eternity.”
On the one hand, his silence was noble. On the other, he’d acted selfishly. “Didn’t you think about what I would experience if I’d lost you?”
He rolled his shoulder. If he hadn’t been holding her waist, he’d be rubbing at his neck too. She’d watched the sign of his nerves too often over the past few days not to know it for what it was.
“You want honesty.”
“That’d be nice.”
More of the shoulder rolling preceded a long, weary sigh. “I was more concerned about what you’d experience if I soul-bonded us than any longing you’ve might encountered in another life.”
“Excuse me? I thought you wanted to protect me. My mental well-being is part of that. In another life—”
“There are different forms of love, Lena. Some are based on friendship, some on familiarity, others on obligation. Love, the deep and complete kind true mates can experience, isn’t necessary for happiness. It’s a gift, and sometimes it’s best left unwrapped.”
She understood love wasn’t black and white. Part of her still loved Vader and Rick. The hurt they’d caused her only changed it, dimming it, and leaving her with a well of sadness.
“Had I not walked into your life, you would’ve met a human and lived out your life with him. You would’ve been happy, maybe had a minivan full of kids and dozens of grandkids.” He covered her heart. “But you still would have been my true mate. You simply wouldn’t have known it.”
“But I would have always felt incomplete.”
He nodded. “Just as I’ve been for three centuries.”
“Then why would you want to experience an eternity of that? I know I don’t.”
“Do you remember when we were on the plane and I said I wasn’t whole?”
“Yes.”
He tapped a single finger to his skull. “Here. I’m not sane.” He snorted. “Actually, I’m probably a breath away from being labeled feral.”
“I’ve spent the last few days with you. You’re not crazy. Stubborn and possessive, yes. Not crazy.”
He grinned, but the smile held no warmth. Sadness tinged it.
“That’s because I’ve been with you. The truth is my mind is shattered. But I’m different around you. Your touch. Your scent. Your voice. Everything about you has kept me together. You’ve gathered the pieces of my broken mind and built them up around you.” He brushed his thumb over the corner of her mouth. “Before you, only stubbornness and my obligations kept me functioning. That’s all it was, too. I didn’t live. I moved through life, always fighting my crazed cats and their instincts. Even in sleep, I suffered. Not any longer. You’ve healed me. Given me peace.”
She didn’t know what to say. His revelation made her feel special and wanted, everything she’d always wanted from a man. It also broke her heart.
“Once we soul-bond, my unstable cats and my splintered mind become yours. You’ll never escape them. You’ll be forced to share every moment of pain with me.” He held her face in his hands. “That is why I didn’t tell you, and that is why I would’ve walked away. I thought it’d be kinder to you to allow you to live with the longing, than suffer in my hell.”
The ying-yanging emotions she’d experienced near him after the attack, the inability to focus, the jealousy, the possessiveness—they were his. She’d shared them because of the piece of his soul she carried.
He’d been dealing with those emotions for three hundred years. Worse than she had. She only held a piece of his soul.
She wanted to tell him how much she respected him. How frustrated she was that he hadn’t told her everything in the first place. How she wanted to hunt down whoever had hurt him and make them suffer. She’d bet that was the reason too.
“What caused your mind to splinter?”
He withdrew from her—the warmth fading from his eyes. He dropped his hands and made his way to the door. “We’ll talk more later. I need to check on Molly.”
The door opened, and he walked out.
He’d admitted that her presence soothed him, but he still didn’t believe she was tough enough to handle the truth.
And until he treated her as his equal, telling her everything, maybe it was best they held off on soul-bonding.
It didn’t mean she’d walk away. Devin might’ve fought for them—urging her to feel their connection and know it was real—but she would fight for him.
His past had damaged him. She’d seen that in his expression moments ago. Until he came to terms with it, he’d never be whole.