The Woods Are for Suckers and Chumps was first performed at the Stella Adler Summer Conservatory in the summer of 2009. Melissa Ross directed the following cast:
| MANDA | Alice Oshima | |
| ZOE | Daniella De Jesus |
The woods. MANDA, sixteen, sits in front of a pile of sticks and leaves. Aside from her hooded sweatshirt she is dressed totally inappropriately for a camping trip. She unsuccessfully tries to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
MANDA: Ugh … screw it.
(She tosses the sticks aside and curls up near the small pile of sticks, pulling her sweatshirt closer around her and her hood up over her head.
ZOE, sixteen, enters carrying a set of directions. She stops and stares at MANDA.)
ZOE: What’re you doing?
MANDA: I’m dying of hypothermia. Leave me alone.
ZOE: Why don’t you just make a fire?
MANDA: I tried. That whole rubbing-two-sticks-together thing is total crap.
ZOE: Use a lighter.
MANDA: I lost my lighter in the grass somewhere.
ZOE: Oh.
Where’s everybody else?
MANDA: Adnan and Chelsea are doing it somewhere behind a bush or something. And Leila thinks she found some ’shrooms so everyone else went down to check it out.
ZOE: How do they know they’re not poisonous?
MANDA: Huh?
ZOE: The mushrooms. How do they know they’re the fun, hallucinate-your-face-off kind and not the oh-shit-you’re-dead-cuz-they’re-poisonous kind.
MANDA: Toby has a book … or something … that tells you.
ZOE: Oh. Yeah. I guess he would.
(Beat. MANDA sits up.)
MANDA: Wait a minute. I thought you weren’t speaking to me anymore.
ZOE: I’m not. I found the directions to the tent but they’re in French.
MANDA: Oh. Well I don’t take French so—
ZOE: Duh. I wasn’t looking for your help.
MANDA: Ohhh-kay. Well unless you have a lighter or magically know how to make a fire appear you can like step off till everyone gets back.
ZOE: Fine.
ZOE: Okay.
(MANDA lies back down on the ground and pulls her hood down farther. ZOE sighs disgustedly.)
You know, this is why I’m glad we’re not friends anymore.
MANDA: What?
ZOE: This. Like the way you act ’n’ shit. It’s like so … monumentally depressing. I mean you make shit harder for yourself and everyone else.
MANDA: No I don’t.
ZOE: It’s supposed to be a fun trip. The least you could do is like pretend you want to be a part of things.
MANDA: Well if you remember, the last time I ’shroomed I thought I turned into a gorilla and Toby convinced me to eat seventeen bananas. I didn’t crap for a week so excuse me for not jumping at the chance to do it all over again. Now if you’re done being a major bitch I’d like to go back to being cold.
(Beat.)
ZOE: I mean who even wears ballet flats and a miniskirt on a camping trip?
MANDA: I’m sorry I guess I missed the memo that you had suddenly turned into Little Miss Nancy Nature.
ZOE: I know about nature.
ZOE: So? You live in Brooklyn Heights.
MANDA: So?
ZOE: So at least I know what to wear. And for your information I have been camping.
MANDA: Passing out in Central Park after too many Smirnoff Ices at Leila’s sweet sixteen does not like count as camping.
ZOE: Screw you. I went once with my dad before he died.
MANDA: Oh. I didn’t know that. My bad I guess.
ZOE: Yeah. I guess.
(Beat. They stare at each other for a moment. Then MANDA turns away as:)
MANDA: (Mumbling.) It still doesn’t make you some kind of expert.
ZOE: What?
MANDA: Just because you went once when you were like six doesn’t mean you get to act all judgmental and like you know everything about everything. But then again you’re always acting like that so I shouldn’t expect anything different.
ZOE: I am not always—
MANDA: Yes you are. If someone was like, “Hey I’m gonna go to Bermuda and eat a shit sandwich and then dance naked with the cast of Twilight” you’d be like “I did it. It’s been done and I probably did it better than you.”
ZOE: I hated Twilight.
MANDA: That’s not the point, Zoe.
ZOE: Then what is the point, Manda.
MANDA: The point is you don’t ever let people have their own experiences.
ZOE: What does that even mean.
MANDA: It means that whatever anyone else’s experience is, yours was always better and theirs is always shit.
ZOE: Well when it comes to you that’s pretty much true.
MANDA: Ugh … see this—this is why we’re not friends anymore.
ZOE: No we’re not friends anymore because of that text you sent about me to the entire junior class.
MANDA: And why do you think I did that?
ZOE: Because you are a miserable, selfish cow who wants everyone to feel as hateful about themselves as you do.
MANDA: No.
ZOE: Then why?
MANDA: You should know.
ZOE: Well I don’t. So like enlighten me.
(ZOE shakes her head as if she can’t believe she has to have another conversation on the subject.)
You knew it was my first time doing … it … and how much I wanted it to be with him … and then it was terrible and he was a douchebag and said all that crap about me to his friends … and you were just like, “I told you so.”
ZOE: Well he is a douchebag. And I did tell you so.
MANDA: The point is it was a like a way big shitty experience and as my best friend you were s’posed to like comfort me … not scold me and then like go on and on about how awesome your first time was.
ZOE: I did not go on and on—
MANDA: Yes you did. It was like the moon got reborn and—and cymbals crashed and the—the Lucky Charms elf threw colorful marshmallows at you while Mariah Carey hit a high note.
ZOE: That is ridiculous. I did not say that.
MANDA: Well of course that’s not like specifically what you said but that’s what it sounded like to me.
ZOE: Because you are ridiculous.
MANDA: No I’m not.
ZOE: You are ridiculous and overdramatic and I was right when I told Leila she shouldn’t invite you cuz you’d ruin everything.
ZOE: Yes and you know as usual I was right.
MANDA: Screw you.
(MANDA pushes ZOE.)
ZOE: Did you just push me?
MANDA: Yes. And I’ll … do it again … if I need to.
ZOE: I can’t believe you just pushed me.
MANDA: Whatta ya gonna do about it?
(MANDA pushes her again.)
ZOE: Don’t touch me.
(ZOE pushes MANDA. MANDA pushes her back.)
Stop it.
(ZOE pushes MANDA.)
MANDA: You stop it.
(MANDA pushes ZOE.)
ZOE: You stop it.
(ZOE pushes MANDA.)
MANDA: You started all of this.
(MANDA pushes ZOE.)
(They both grab onto each other’s hair and begin turning in a circle, tugging at each other and trying unsuccessfully to kick each other. It is the worst attempt at a physical fight and in fact looks more like some bizarre dance.)
MANDA: Ow you’re hurting me.
ZOE: Yer hurting me.
MANDA: Let go.
ZOE: You let go.
MANDA: You let go first.
ZOE: Okay how ’bout we let go on the count of three.
MANDA: Fine.
ZOE/MANDA: One … two … three …
(They both let go and rub their heads. Pause. They don’t look at each other.)
ZOE: This is stupid.
MANDA: I know.
ZOE: We shouldn’t be …
MANDA: Yeah.
(Pause.)
ZOE: I …
(ZOE stares at her toes as:)
ZOE: I’m sorry about what happened with Zach. I didn’t … ummm … mean to like … make you think otherwise.
MANDA: Thanks. Sorry … about … you know, the text.
ZOE: Thanks.
(Beat.)
If it’s any consolation …
MANDA: What?
ZOE: When I … you know … with Dante … there were no cymbals and Mariah Carey was definitely not hitting a high note.
MANDA: Really?
ZOE: Yeah … I ummm … exaggerated.
MANDA: Oh.
ZOE: A lot.
MANDA: Oh.
(Beat.)
My mom was wrong.
ZOE: About what?
ZOE: Your mom used the phrase “suckers and chumps”?
MANDA: Yeah.
ZOE: Your mom is weird.
MANDA: I know, right?
(They maybe laugh a little. Beat.)
ZOE: We should ummm probably go look for everyone else.
MANDA: Yeah.
(ZOE starts to head off.)
Zo.
ZOE: Yeah.
MANDA: I’m glad Leila didn’t listen to you. I’m glad she invited me.
ZOE: Yeah. Me too.
(They smile at each other.
Blackout.)
END OF PLAY