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I leave the bathroom and go up the stairs, to the Van Gogh room. I do not bother to turn on the light. I climb straight into bed.

It is dark and quiet and not cold and under the covers, I could be anywhere. I pretend I am home and that Matthias will be next to me when I wake up.

Anorexia nervosa has been indisputably linked to other mood disorders, such as depression and anxiety. Some symptoms overlap and co-occur.

I hear the psychiatrist’s voice in the report he wrote about me.

The patient may experience apathy, or indifference to her environment.

The next day I do not get out of bed. No vitals and weights for me today. Direct Care and the nurse warn, threaten me, but no thank you. I stay in bed.

Other symptoms include fatigue, loss of appetite and concentration.

Breakfast comes and goes without me. I do not get out of bed.

Pessimism and hopelessness.

They use my yellow tube. I let them. I am not allowed a morning walk, they say.

I do not care. I pull the covers back over my head and ask,

Just turn the lights off when you leave please, and close the door.

I am too tired for a walk.

Some time later the light is switched on again. I am mildly irritated. Direct Care says my father called.

Tell him I went to bed.

Matthias called too.

Tell him I went to bed. And please switch off the light.

One in five patients with anorexia will attempt suicide.

I know that statistic. I want to be one of them, but I am too tired to try. So I stay in bed. No reason to get up.

Matthias is gone. Direct Care finally turns off the light. I go to sleep.