Jaddi
It was his laugh that Jaddi had loved most about her Uncle Prem; a booming whole-body occurrence that stopped conversations and drew people towards him. It was infectious too. Jaddi had been standing on the other side of the dance floor at her cousin’s wedding reception, nowhere near her uncle. She couldn’t even see him, and yet when his laugh had echoed across the marquee it had sent her into a fit of giggles.
But it was impossible not to think about Prem’s laugh without thinking of the darkness that followed his suicide. The weeks and months of devastation that hung over her father and their house. There’d been no explanation for it. Jaddi had had no clue as to why. She’d been thirteen and her parents hadn’t even told her he’d died. It was only when she’d found Prem’s letter in the bottom of her dad’s office drawer that it had all clicked into place. Old wine, new labels, Jaddi thought again.
‘What do I do now?’ Suk asked, pulling Jaddi’s thoughts back to her.
‘What do you want to do?’
Suk dropped her head into her hands, her shoulders shaking as she spoke. ‘Be with you,’ she whispered. Suk sat up and grabbed Jaddi’s hands. ‘Let’s do it. Let’s start a life together, a proper one.’
‘Suk, I … I can’t. I can’t do that to my family. I can’t walk away from them.’
‘But I can?’ Suk cried out.
‘It’s different. This is Uncle Prem all over again. I can’t do it to them or to myself.’
‘But you don’t even know what happened with Prem.’
‘I read the letter he sent my dad, his … his suicide note. He was gay. He’d lived the lie, married a woman, who was mean and spiteful, just to please the family. When he finally found the courage to leave her and come out to his family, they cast him out. They acted like he’d never existed. Wouldn’t speak to him, even when he begged them. He couldn’t live without them. They were his exact words: I can’t live without you, my family, your blessing. So I won’t live at all.’
Suk tightened her grip on Jaddi’s hands. ‘But that’s exactly why they won’t make the same mistake with you. And anyway, you’re stronger than him. I know you are. And you have me. Do you think I want to live without my family? Of course I don’t. But I don’t want to live in India either; I don’t want to live without you. We have to make a choice. Tell your family before they find out watching the documentary.’
Jaddi shook her head. ‘I’ll lie. I’ll tell them the producer made a mistake. I’ll find a Sikh boy with a name that starts with Suk – Sukhit, Sukhiam, Sukhnam. I know my parents. They’ll believe me.’
‘So that’s it then. This was all for nothing. Our relationship was for nothing. You ruined my life for nothing.’ She spat out the final words as she leapt to her feet.
Pain clenched Jaddi’s heart. ‘Please understand, Suk, I can’t walk away from my family. I’m so sorry for saying what I did – I thought the camera was off. If you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you do the same?’
Suk’s voice softened. ‘They’ll still be part of your life; I know they will. It’s me who won’t have a family anymore, not you.’
Jaddi swallowed. ‘I can’t risk it.’
Suk gasped and broke into a run.
Jaddi watched Suk weave around the pool, her long braid flapping against her back as she darted through a door and disappeared.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jaddi whispered, allowing the tears to fall.
She needed to find Caroline, Jaddi thought, and beg her not to show Suk in the next episode. She’d thrown Suk to the wolves, destroyed her life and their relationship, and if she was going to live with that choice for the rest of her life, then Jaddi needed to make damn sure it wasn’t for nothing. She couldn’t risk her family finding out the truth too.