Samantha
Samantha wrapped the blanket tighter around herself and tucked her chin against her knees as a chilly wind blew across the canyon. Her legs were starting to ache from the cold of the rock face they were huddled on, but she wasn’t ready to move. They’d found a spot, just the three of them. No other tourists, no Ben, and no cameras. Partly due to a weekend of intense filming, and partly due to her guilt at inviting a maniac to Las Vegas, Caroline had granted them a sunrise alone, just one, and Samantha didn’t want it to end yet.
She was OK. Really and truly OK. Shaken, yes. Hurt, a little. But the shock had worn off and in its place was something else, something new. A zinging around her body that she couldn’t explain. Up until twenty minutes ago, she’d put it down to some kind of reverse post-traumatic stress. The sudden desire to be back on the ledge in Mondulkiri staring into the dark water below, fearless and wanting to jump again and again. But watching the dusky, orange sky above the black outlines of the canyons she’d realised it was more. She felt awake for the first time in her life.
It was like the childhood buzz from the blue Slush Puppy they’d sold in the cafe her nan had taken her to sometimes. Or the pulsing of her first cup of coffee at sixteen. Samantha had never tried anything stronger, but she imagined it must feel like this. A heightened sense of living that pushed and pushed against her, willing her, no, daring her to live harder, faster, better.
Suddenly, she didn’t want to be careful, studious, organised Samantha, too scared to step outside of the rigid lines of the escape plan she’d made when she was just a kid, in case she slipped up somewhere and found herself right back in that council flat sitting alongside her mother and brothers.
Study hard, get a good job, meet a man – someone who’d never set foot on a council estate, let alone grown up on one – get married, have children and maybe a dog too. Be a mother like Evelyn – patient, funny and kind. Break the cycle and undo the damage her own mother had done.
She’d been on course, or she thought she had been, until David’s fist had slammed into her head. Now she knew how wrong she’d been about David and about herself. Where in her plan had she allowed herself to live? To question, is this what I want?
‘Are you OK, Samantha?’ Lizzie asked, breaking her concentration. ‘You look, I don’t know, angry.’
Samantha blinked and realised the sun had peaked over the canyon, bathing the orange and red rocks in a soft, yellow light. She shook her head. ‘Yes, sorry. I was thinking about my mother.’
‘Oh,’ Lizzie said, glancing at Jaddi. ‘You’ve never really spoken about your mum before.’
Samantha smirked. ‘There’s not much to say.’
‘Do you want to tell us about her? You don’t have too, if it’s hard.’
‘She is a selfish woman who had three children when she’d have been better off having none. She wasn’t purposefully cruel; she just wasn’t capable of thinking about anyone but herself. She still isn’t. One of us would say, “Mum, there’s nothing to eat,” and she’d say, “Oh, I forgot.” No apology, or anything.
‘We lived two floors up at my nan’s flat when we were very little. She did what she could for us. Taught us to fend for ourselves. She had a stroke and died when I was six so we packed up and moved in with my mum.’ Samantha pulled in a breath. She’d never spoken about her past before, not to David, not to Lizzie and Jaddi. No one. Hearing the words aloud, they seemed so blunt, but after so many years Samantha didn’t know if she had any feelings left towards her family or her past.
‘That must have been really tough,’ Jaddi said, taking Samantha’s hand.
‘I guess it was, but we didn’t know any different. A lot of kids in the tower didn’t have much in the way of parenting. It was all we knew. Up until I started senior school, I thought it was normal.’
‘What about your dad?’ Lizzie asked.
‘Your guess is as good as mine. I once asked my mum who my dad was. I couldn’t have been older than eight, maybe nine. She laughed and said, “Tony-fucking-Blair, honey. He came on a visit to the estate and we fell in love, but you know, he’s got a country to run and Cherie at home so I had to move on.”’ Samantha snorted. ‘I believed her too. For years I had this plan to get a job in parliament so he could meet me and take me away from her. Stupid, hey?’
Lizzie and Jaddi remained silent.
‘Shit,’ Samantha said as the cognisance of her words sunk in.
‘What’s wrong?’ Jaddi asked.
‘That’s what I did, isn’t? I went and got a job in Government. How crazy am I?’
Lizzie rubbed her back. ‘You’re not crazy. You love your job.’
Samantha shook her head and stood up, stepping closer to the ledge. The sun was well above the peak of the canyons now. The brightness stung her eyes, but she continued to stare. ‘No, actually, I don’t. It’s pretty frustrating and very boring.’
Jaddi and Lizzie scrambled to their feet and followed Samantha’s gaze.
‘When we get back, I’m going to quit my job and go back to Mondulkiri,’ Samantha said, only realising her plan as she heard the words leave her mouth. ‘Working with Happy and the other elephants was the best thing I’ve ever done.’
Lizzie and Jaddi shared a look but Samantha didn’t care. It was what she wanted to do, what she was going to do. She was never going to end up back on her mother’s sofa, or like her mother, no matter how she decided to live her life. A fresh zinging pulsed through her body. She felt the girls’ hands curl into hers and they all stood there for a moment, together, connected, watching the light creep over the sharp formations of the canyon. To Samantha, it felt like an end, and also a beginning.
‘Shall we head back for breakfast?’ Samantha asked.
‘I think I might need to stand under a hot shower for an hour too,’ Lizzie said. ‘I can’t believe it’s so cold here.’
‘It’s the wind.’ Jaddi hooked her own blanket further up her body, burying the bottom half of her face in it.
They walked quickly back towards the car park and hotel minibus Caroline had arranged for them.
‘Any word from your parents, Jaddi?’
Jaddi shook her head. ‘They need some time. My mum didn’t hang up on me the minute I told her, which I’m taking as a good sign.’
Samantha wrapped an arm around Jaddi. Watching Jaddi and Suk together for the past few days had made her realise what a relationship should be like. What love should be like. She hoped Jaddi’s family would allow themselves the chance to see that too.
‘What do you think, Liz?’ Jaddi said. ‘Sunset from a helicopter or sunrise from the rock?’
‘Oh, good question. I liked being with my mum and dad, and Aaron yesterday. It made watching the sunset feel really special, and coming back over the strip and seeing all the lights was amazing, but I felt closer to it sitting with you guys. It’s got to be the best one so far.’
A sadness splintered Samantha’s buzz. She’d been so busy thinking about living her life, making plans, she’d forgotten that Lizzie couldn’t do the same. There had to be another way. There had to be something else they could do. It was a such a simple thought that Samantha wondered how she’d only just come to think of it. There had to be an experimental treatment Lizzie could try. Just because Lizzie had accepted her fate, it didn’t mean Samantha had to.