Chapter 48
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I lifted my head from the pillow and sighed wearily. “Yes, what is it?”
Nurse had been instructed by my husband to bring the child to my bedroom to see me. “Bring her over here then.” I tried to shuffle up the bed a little, my enormous belly impeding my every move. Nurse came over and helped haul me up with her strong arms.
“Thank you,” I said and gazed over at the child. She really was not bonny. She had her father’s pointed chin and unnaturally long ears. Her hair was ginger and so fine, she was almost bald. She staggered towards the bed like a tiny drunk.
“Isn’t she doing well now with her walking, My Lady,” said Nurse, beaming.
I reached down a hand and she took mine in her hot little fist. I looked at her miniature yellow gown and thought how it did not suit her colouring. I was about to ask Nurse where her woollen cap was when there was a noise at the door and Jeannie rushed in.
“Nurse, you’re needed downstairs. Meggie the kitchen maid has slashed her hand badly and we’re trying to stem the blood. Cook said to get you. Come now!”
Before I could shout to Jeannie to stay, both of them hurried out the door, leaving me alone with the child. She stood there, holding my hand and looking around.
I had no idea if she understood words, for clearly she couldn’t yet speak. But I decided I ought to try, even though it meant I would have to utter her name. 225
“Lilias,” I whispered. She continued to look all around and indeed, withdrew her hand from mine and began teetering away from the bed.
“Lilias, come back to Mama.”
Dear God, she was heading for the door and presumably the stone stairs where she could tumble and fall. I’d heard talk that Alexander’s first wife had dropped their infant daughter Margaret onto the Great Stairs and the impact on the stone precipitated the little one’s death. I flung back the covers and swung my swollen legs out of bed.
“Lilias!” I was shouting now. Did she even know that was her name? I was just about to grab her when she stopped by the door and turned around, heading off at a wobble towards the dressing table by the window. I was already short of breath so I grabbed onto the wooden bedpost and leaned against the end of the bed. I watched her chubby fingers reach up and snatch a long string of pearls before she fell backwards, laughing. She landed on the floor with a thump, the pearls clutched tight between her fat little fingers.
“Lilias, are you all right?” I said as I watched her push herself up to a sitting position, legs outstretched. She beamed at me; perhaps she did in fact know her name. She then lifted the pearls in both hands and put them over her head. They slipped down around her shoulders and she pulled them up again so the strand looped once more around her throat. She pulled again and I could see the coils tighten around her neck as she drew them even tighter.
“No, Lilias, you’ll hurt yourself. Take the pearls off!”
I pushed myself away from the bedpost and strode towards her. I bent down to scoop her up with two hands but as I lugged her heavy weight up onto my hip, I suddenly felt it. As I stood there, untangling the pearls from around her neck, her hot little body wriggling like a worm, I could feel the wet trickling down my legs. 226
“Jeannie!” I bawled towards the open door.
The little girl flinched, but I yelled again. “Jeannie. Come quickly, the baby’s on its way!”
I lay in the dark with my eyes wide open, listening to Jeannie’s soft snores from the mattress by the fireplace. I was still so exhausted and weary after yet again an endurance test of pain and then at the end of it all, the ignominy and anguish of giving birth to another girl. That had been about a fortnight ago, perhaps longer. I had lost track of time and simply wanted to sleep all day long while trying to shift the black gloom that hovered over me. I refused all the food they kept forcing me to eat; I knew I would never feel hungry again. And because I dozed all day, I was awake most of the night, twisting the covers between my fingers, round and round as I thought back to the birth.
The girl had been hale and hearty and the midwife said I had done well; for a girl, she was a big baby. I did not want a big baby girl; I wanted a baby boy of any size. Alexander muttered something about how at least she would be a sister for Lilias and that I was bound to have another son next. The very thought of that made me feel queasy. And when he said her name would be Jane, I simply shrugged and said, “Whatever you want, Alexander” then turned my head back to the pillow to continue weeping my pale, silent tears. I knew he was whispering to the servants about me, but I had no desire to hear. I was too wearied to even try to listen.
The room tonight was warm, even though I had asked Jeannie to open the window just before she went to sleep. I flung off the blanket and tilted my head to one side. There was not a breath of wind outside; it was a balmy summer’s night and so the only noise came from Jeannie’s regular snores. I began to pray for sleep to 227 come. Perhaps if I thought of something joyful, it would happen, but I could think of nothing at all that made me glad, not one thing.
I must have dozed off, as the next thing I knew I was awakened by two icy cold hands clamping around my neck. I gasped and as I bent my head back, I smelt the roses. The hands were clawing at my neck as if trying to scratch something from me. And I realised it was her, the Green Lady, trying to wrench the necklace of my parure from around my throat.
I wrested free from her clutch for a moment, but then she was back and this time I could see her. The green haze shimmered above me as I thrashed my head around on the pillow. My hands flailed on the blanket and I began to feel more desperate. I tried to shout out but my voice didn’t work. I would have to get up and waken Jeannie by kicking her. I flung myself out of bed and staggered over to the dressing table, thinking that she might be placated with my other jewels.
I patted frantically around on the table in the dark, trying to find the rest of my parure. Where were the earrings and the brooch? For still she clung to me, her icy cold hands closing in around me. My throat ached and her grip was so tight now, I could hardly breathe. I brought up my hands to try to wrestle hers away but could not. I tried to shout out but still my voice was silenced. As I thrashed around on the dressing table, I suddenly began to feel hot. The ice-cold grasp had gone.
I woke up in bed, sweating all over. I rubbed my neck and looked around and at first could see nothing until I noticed a shimmer of green on the window ledge. I had to go over there; I was now so hot that if I stayed inside this room, I would surely die. I needed to get some fresh air. I stumbled over the floor, guided by the haze of green, which seemed to be calling me, even though I could hear nothing. 228
I opened my mouth to try to speak but nothing came out. Perhaps I was still asleep. I climbed upon the chair by the dressing table and got up onto the window ledge where the green now seemed to be hovering, just outside. It must be so wonderfully cool out there and I was so hot. I had to follow; it was the only way to remove this heat from my body and to rid myself of her forever. She would not have my parure.
A sudden noise interrupted my thoughts and I swivelled around just as someone reached out to try to grab my hand, but I didn’t want to be brought back in. I wanted to be outside, in the fresh air, floating down in the cool breeze, like the Green Lady. So just as Jeannie’s fingers touched mine and a shrill scream rent the air, I breathed in the exquisite waft of roses then let myself go, and soon I felt free. And at last, I was cold.