1610
I hobbled along the corridor from my room towards the refectory where my nephew was waiting. How many years was it since we had met? Could it possibly be twenty-five? Mon Dieu, it must be. I had not seen him since I spent those wonderful few months at Fyvie Castle before I left with his father for France, where I have been ever since, apart from that awful trip to Loch Leven nearly a decade ago.
He would now see a very old woman with arthritic knees and hands, and hair that was almost white all over. Thankfully as nuns, we must cover our heads. I chuckled as I thought how vain that seemed, but when he saw me last, I had just given up as lady-in-waiting to my Queen and so still had all the finery – the dresses and jewels and hair entwined with pearls – suitable for Court.
I slowed down as I neared the entrance to the refectory. I had not planned what to say to him about Loch Leven; I would perhaps just let him explain. I opened the door and saw a gentleman sitting at the far end, his back to me. I saw a high ruff collar at his neck and a fine cloak trimmed with fur trailing on the floor. His hair, always so brown and thick, was grey and thin. I came to stand in front of him and he jumped to his feet. His face crinkled into a smile as he grasped my hands with his two and kissed them both. I sat down slowly in the chair opposite him and looked at his face. His features remained sharp and his beard, though flecked with grey, was still the colour of a fox, but he looked like an old man, which of course he was.
“Tante Marie, how are you?”282
“Well, thank you, dear nephew. Or should I say, as good as my ageing bones allow. It’s good to see you after so many years.”
I would let him lead the conversation; let’s see where it took him.
“You have received news over the years from my wives, I know, so you are aware I now have one son and seven daughters, all thank God in good health. They certainly bring joy and laughter to Fyvie Castle.”
“God blesses us in so many ways.”
“Yes. Margaret, my wife, is due to be delivered of another child any day now. I await the news of a second son eagerly.”
“Or an eighth daughter?”
“Of course, but I should like another son.”
“Children are a gift, given by God’s grace; not by your predilection.”
He smiled. “I have come to accept this over the years.”
I asked him then to tell me about the children and about Margaret his wife who is surely as delightful as she seems in her letters to me. Then after some time, he snapped his fingers at the servant who had been standing all the while in the far corner. Bring me the gifts.”
The man rushed across, a large woollen bag and wooden box in his arms. He laid these down before his master, bowed low then retreated to his position.
“I have brought some wines from my Paris wine merchant. I am going to see a new wine producer during my stay here in Reims – Pierre Gosset, recommended to me by my friends at the French Court. When I come again, before my return to Scotland, I shall bring you some.”
I nodded.
“And here is a mutton ham from Fyvie, I think you used to enjoy that.” 283
I beamed. He had obviously put some thought into selecting gifts for his only remaining aunt. “Sadly, I could not bring you any oysters, which I know you also liked. They would not have lasted the journey.”
He handed me another package, wrapped in woollen cloth. “There is a special gift in here from Margaret for you, and a letter, which she says is to be opened in the solitude of your room.”
I took it from him, thanked him then waited until he’d ended his monologue about his journey and the courts in both England and France, then I stretched my right hand towards him and he took it in his. “Do you remember this ring, Alexander?”
He stared down at my ruby ring, the only vestige of luxury the Abbess permits me to wear.
“Was it your mother’s, Aunt?”
I shook my head and let him continue looking at it. I watched his face as realisation dawned. His eyes grew large and his cheeks flushed a little. “Well, it resembles the ring my wife Lilias used to wear, but it cannot be.”
He looked up at me, fear in his eyes.
I retracted my hand and waited. He did not break the silence, so I did. “How did Lilias die, Alexander?”
He swallowed. “She died of a terrible wasting illness, she could not eat and so…”
“So she starved to death?”
He shook his head. “There was nothing we could do.”
I lifted my hand once more. “How do you think I acquired this ring, the ring given to me by your royal godmother and which I then gifted to your wife Lilias?”
He was flustered. He tugged his rusty beard and bit his lip. “I cannot say.”
“Then I shall tell you. I went to Loch Leven Castle and saw dear, sweet Lilias just before she died. She perished from lack of 284 nourishment. I also think that she died of a broken heart, for you abandoned her, didn’t you?”
He dropped to his knees and laid his head in my lap.
“It was not like that, I can assure you. It was not meant to happen like that,” he muttered, snivelling like a child. He wiped his face and looked up at me. “I had instructed the caretaker to look after her. I had written down my commands, to feed her three times a day and give her water and keep her warm with a fire. But…”
He was whimpering like a baby now.
“Then how was it that she died the most awful death, deprived of any food at all – and obviously kept a prisoner in that filthy room?”
“Please let me explain.”
“I look forward to it greatly.”
He sat back on his chair. “The day she sailed over to the island, I was meant to join her with my orders for the caretaker…”
“Kenneth.”
“Yes. But then there was suddenly an urgent request for me to attend the palace at Dunfermline from the shores of the loch and so I sent one of the servants over to the castle with her bags and with my instructions – and most importantly, with the money I had agreed to pay that wretch Kenneth.” He sighed.
“I ended up spending over a week with the King who desperately needed me, then I had to go south at once to Seton Palace as you remember my mother was gravely ill at that time, even though she somehow survived another two years. To my shame, I did not visit Lilias as I had planned. I was going to explain to her that we would separate and I would marry Grizel…”
“Why? So that you could have a male child?”
He nodded.
“And I was going to explain that I had to keep her locked up for a while, just until Grizel and I were married, then she could 285 return to Aberdeenshire and live nearby to see her children again. But the servant I had sent over was a swindler, he took the money I had sent for Kenneth and so that wretch did nothing to look after her.”
“Why did he neither send a letter to you asking for his wages nor obey your instructions?”
“I had no idea he was illiterate. He presumed I just wanted her to be given water, for that was about the only word he could recognise.”
“Did she have nothing in her own bags she could have given him as payment?”
He took a deep breath. “I am ashamed to say, I had gone through her bags and removed the jewellery I knew she had packed in there.”
I shook my head.
“I regret everything about that time, Aunt, truly I do: planning the trip to Loch Leven, entrusting my wife to a swindler and then to an illiterate brute. I have tried to make amends ever since, by giving much to the church, by helping the poor nearby, but—”
I raised my hand. “Stop. Have you asked God’s forgiveness?”
“I have, almost daily, and I pray for Lilias’s soul every single day.”
“I see.” I lifted Margaret’s gift from my lap and stood up. “I shall consider what you have just told me, Alexander, and will see you again in a few days.”
He got to his feet, his face a mess of tears.
“Thank you, dear Aunt Marie. May God bless you.”
“May God bless those who truly repent,” I said, sweeping past him as I headed straight for the chapel.