Chapter 2

See, in Winnetka, Illinois, some people (ladies, mostly) wear fur coats because, like I said, it’s awfully cold in the winter. I know it’s a little weird—let’s face it, a fur coat is made of small brown animals. (Usually minks.) But me and my little sister, Lily, like it when my parents have a winter party and the fur coats show up. Then we get to play Dainty Ladies at the Ball, like we did on New Year’s Eve.

We got two fancy glasses and two napkins and a plate of party food from the kitchen. We sneaked into my parents’ bedroom, where the party people put their coats. Mrs. Shell and Mrs. Landon and Mrs. Bulger all wore fur that night; the pile on the bed looked like a bunch of dead animals with a few coats mixed in. We laid out our little party, talking like Dainty Ladies at the Ball: “OOOOOH, haalllooo, Mister Creampuff, SOOOO nice to SEEEE you!” (We knew about the Dainty Ladies from watching the movie My Fair Lady about a billion times.)

We borrowed high heels from Mom’s closet and then we each chose a fur coat. Mine (Mrs. Bulger’s) smelled like perfume. It was all silky inside, so it slid around over my pajamas. Lily picked Mrs. Shell’s because it was short, a jacket, so it only went to her knees instead of dripping on the floor like mine.

We used straws for pretend cigarette holders, even though I don’t think anyone actually smoked at the My Fair Lady ball. They didn’t smoke at the party downstairs either, except for Mr. Bulger. He went outside with a cigarette about every five minutes. You could tell which coat was his because it smelled gross, like ashes.

We ate mini-wieners wrapped in crust and snowman cookies with our little fingers stretched out. (That’s how Dainty Ladies do it.)

“Oh, it’s simply delicious, isn’t it, dahling?” I said.

“Oh, yes, mmm,” said Lily. She’s only four. I like playing with Lily because I can be the boss of her. If I played Dainty Ladies with my big sister, Jenna, I would DEFINITELY NOT be the boss.

I made Lily check about every ten minutes to see if the guests were eating dessert. When they were, we rushed to put everything back. Then we went to play James Bond with Jenna and my twin brother, Jack. We sat at the top of the stairs with binoculars, spying on the guests.

But let’s get back to Mrs. Kenly.