They speak slowly and quietly.
OLIVER. Thirty-four.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-one.
Pause.
Day?
OLIVER. Yeah. Yours?
BERNADETTE. Yeah. Tuesday happened again.
OLIVER. Sorry.
BERNADETTE. Well, sorf.
OLIVER. Fuck it.
Pause.
Talk?
BERNADETTE. Eleven. You talk.
OLIVER. About?
BERNADETTE shrugs.
Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. I know.
OLIVER. I can’t know you in one hundred and forty.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Try.
*
OLIVER. We need to stop meeting here. It’s all a bit morbid.
BERNADETTE. Well, it’s the only place that I know that you know.
OLIVER. You’ve never asked where else I know.
BERNADETTE. Well maybe I just like revisiting the graves of dead cats. Maybe I’m just that kind of girl.
OLIVER. Maybe we should talk about other places that we could meet.
Pause.
I told my friend Eliot / about you
BERNADETTE. Eliot’s the one that played trumpet on / your latest
OLIVER. Yeah / and
BERNADETTE. The one that’s really pro-word limit.
OLIVER. Yeah. Fascist fuck. Anyway I told him that I’d met a… person… and that she was you, you know, that her name was Bernadette and that she had… like I described you to him, your features and everything… that you’re a lawyer / and stuff.
BERNADETTE. Training.
OLIVER. And then he asked me where we met.
BERNADETTE. You didn’t tell / him that
OLIVER. That we’d met at a funeral for a cat named Dennis? No.
BERNADETTE. Or that we…
OLIVER. Continued to meet at the pet cemetery for… No.
BERNADETTE. So you haven’t actually told him…
OLIVER. No. I told him we met in a Greggs.
Pause.
I think we should talk about other places that we could meet. Like abattoirs or sausage factories.
BERNADETTE. Yeah. We should. We should. It’s just…
BERNADETTE. That I don’t know you outside the pet cemetery, Oliver. I don’t know you when you’re around other people really.
OLIVER. Only the carcasses of dead animals.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
OLIVER. Right.
BERNADETTE. And what if you’re like a different guy when you’re not around the…
OLIVER. The… yeah.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
OLIVER. I think I’m pretty much the same.
BERNADETTE. Yeah obviously / you are but…
OLIVER. If a little less on edge.
BERNADETTE. No obviously you’re the same. But what, okay, what if, when there are more people around and when there are smells and billboards and cinemas and like fastfood restaurants and rock music and people on the streets selling burgers…
OLIVER. Right.
BERNADETTE. Sorry.
OLIVER. Do you not want to be…
BERNADETTE. No!
OLIVER. Right.
BERNADETTE. No no no no it’s just all… out there you know… it’s ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Pause.
OLIVER. Ahhhhh?
Pause.
I don’t really eat many burgers and I’m quite good at
shutting out street sellers. Like shutting them down.
Downtown.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. I’m scared.
OLIVER. Of smells and cinemas and rock music?
BERNADETTE. Of things getting / in the
OLIVER. We’ll listen to hip hop. And we’ll buy DVDs.
BERNADETTE. And get air freshener.
OLIVER. And get air freshener.
*
OLIVER is crouched on the floor. BERNADETTE stands, looking down at him sceptically. OLIVER taps out: Dot dash dash dash. Pause. Dot dot dash. Pause. Dot dash dot dot. Pause. Dot dot. Pause. Dot.
BERNADETTE looks weary and motions as if to say ‘I have no idea what you just said.’
OLIVER. Fuck.
*
BERNADETTE. Hi.
OLIVER. Hi. You look nice. High heels.
BERNADETTE. Yeah, you didn’t tell me where we were going… so I dressed nice. Where are we going?
OLIVER. We’re going zorbing.
BERNADETTE. What?
OLIVER. We’re going to Frankie and Benny’s.
*
OLIVER. Ready.
BERNADETTE. Yep. Ready.
OLIVER. Okay right, right. Band. They’re a band. They were big in the eighties. Absolutely awful, music-wise. Not damp damp damp.
BERNADETTE. Wet Wet Wet.
OLIVER. Yep. Okay so these are like, right, like peninsulas but they’ve got water all the way round.
BERNADETTE. Islands.
OLIVER. Yep but they’ve never had sex.
BERNADETTE. Virgin Islands.
*
OLIVER. Nineteen.
BERNADETTE. Two. Hungry?
OLIVER nods.
OLIVER. Want?
BERNADETTE. Lamb.
OLIVER. Kind?
BERNADETTE looks at him helplessly.
Zero?
BERNADETTE nods.
Shepherd’s pie?
BERNADETTE pulls a disgusted expression.
Stew?
BERNADETTE shakes her head.
BERNADETTE shakes her head and begins to mime ‘kebab’.
Lollipop.
Pause.
Lollipop.
*
OLIVER. Morning.
BERNADETTE. Morning.
OLIVER. Hi.
BERNADETTE smiles.
BERNADETTE. Hi.
OLIVER. You talk in your sleep.
BERNADETTE. What did I say?
OLIVER. It was pretty hard to tell. Something about a bad man stealing your pens. Think it was a bad man. Could’ve been Batman.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. It was Batman.
*
BERNADETTE. Hi.
OLIVER. Hi.
BERNADETTE. I like coming home to you.
*
OLIVER. Sixteen.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-four.
OLIVER. What do?
OLIVER. Half seven.
BERNADETTE nods.
Tired?
BERNADETTE nods.
BERNADETTE. You?
OLIVER nods.
You’re always tired.
Pause.
Word-hoarding.
OLIVER. Badly today.
BERNADETTE. Too much going on.
*
BERNADETTE. When was the last time you saw her?
OLIVER. I see her every now and then. We go on those marches. Against the hush law.
BERNADETTE. Bill.
OLIVER. Bill.
BERNADETTE. She’s the one that’s really in to it?
OLIVER. Yeah. She almost ran against them in Basildon.
BERNADETTE. As an independent?
OLIVER. Yep.
BERNADETTE. Why Basildon?
OLIVER. She thought there was a diverse voter base or something. Lots of undecideds.
BERNADETTE. But you’re… you’re in to it too. The marches.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Why did you break up?
OLIVER. It was just time.
BERNADETTE. Why was it time?
OLIVER. I don’t know, Bernadette. A whole host of reasons.
BERNADETTE. And you see her every now and then?
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Well then I want to see her every now and then. If she’s your ‘anti-establishment buddy’ then I want her to be my like normal buddy.
OLIVER. Yeah?
BERNADETTE. Mmmm. But, okay, I want you to tell me all your things.
OLIVER. What?
BERNADETTE. All of your and what’s-her-name…
OLIVER. Julie.
BERNADETTE. Julie. All of you and Julie’s things.
OLIVER. Things?
BERNADETTE. Yeah. Oliver, every couple has their own kind of little… language.
OLIVER. Right.
BERNADETTE. Like a dialect.
OLIVER. Like Canadian French.
BERNADETTE. Kind of like Canadian French but small-scale I guess.
OLIVER. Like if there were only two people in Canada and they both used to be French.
BERNADETTE. Yeah. Like your own set of in-jokes and pet names and little ways of phrasing things that just develop. And I know that I’ve recycled them before and I don’t want that to… Like I’ll be talking in one guy’s, an ex’s, language and making our jokes and saying things in ways that we came up with together and then I’ll turn around and it’ll be this completely different, new man in front of me and he doesn’t get… he thinks I’ve got this really weird way of talking that isn’t funny or endearing or sexy but that’s just weird.
OLIVER. So he didn’t understand what you were…
BERNADETTE. No, no. He understood. We were speaking in English. It was just as if English had been… okay imagine you’ve got a cheese grater. One of those cheese graters with the four different sides that grates the four different types of cheese gratings. It’s like each one of those sides is a different relationship and while I was with Stuart I was grating my cheese on one side of the grater and the cheese came out in a really weird shape that we’d, I dunno, designed together. Then when I was with Clint I kept grating my cheese on the same weird side out of habit and Clint would lift up the grater, look at the grated cheese and be like ‘what the fuck?’ like ‘this isn’t the mature cheddar that I know and love.’
OLIVER. Cheese is language.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
OLIVER. You went out with a Clint?
BERNADETTE. He was actually lactose intolerant. Not metaphorically… he genuinely struggled with dairy.
OLIVER. Well I’m really good with dairy. Like I have a very capable stomach.
BERNADETTE. I want you to tell me all of your things so that I never have to lift the grater up and find someone else’s cheese in our kitchen.
OLIVER. Metaphorically…?
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
OLIVER. Right.
BERNADETTE. Oliver, please.
Pause.
OLIVER. Okay. Errrrm. Well, I can’t remember most of them. But we… okay so we started calling each other… babycakes.
BERNADETTE. Babycakes?
OLIVER. It started off ironically. But by the end it just felt almost natural. Don’t look at me.
BERNADETTE. Babycakes?
OLIVER. This is horrible.
BERNADETTE. I just want all the stuff we say to each other to be stuff that we haven’t said a million times before. Or at least like we’re saying it in a new way that is just… I know this is ridiculous.
OLIVER. It is ridiculous.
BERNADETTE. I’m sorry.
OLIVER. You’re being neurotic.
BERNADETTE. I’m not neurotic.
OLIVER. I know but you’re being it.
BERNADETTE. I know.
OLIVER. I love you.
Silence.
BERNADETTE. Have you said that before?
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. To other people?
OLIVER. Yeah.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Still sounds pretty good, I guess.
*
OLIVER. Can’t wait to see you. I love you.
*
BERNADETTE. Happy birthday! I love you.
*
OLIVER. Merry Christmas! I love you.
*
BERNADETTE. Break a leg, I love you.
*
OLIVER. Yeah, you sign the lease now, I’ll sign it when I get there. Yeah, I love you.
*
BERNADETTE. Yeah, of course I love you. I’m sorry.
*
OLIVER. Listen, just listen, I love you. Why wouldn’t they?
*
BERNADETTE. I love you, okay? I love you. But I need to focus right now. I’ve left the dishes.
*
OLIVER. I love you.
*
BERNADETTE. I love you.
*
OLIVER. Ninety-eight.
BERNADETTE. Thirteen. Good luck. Got your speech?
OLIVER nods.
Lovou.
OLIVER nods.
Lovou.
OLIVER. Lovou.
*
BERNADETTE. Oh yeah? What do you want for dinner?
OLIVER. I don’t mind.
BERNADETTE. I want burgers.
OLIVER. Burgers are fine.
BERNADETTE. Big old beef burgers with gravy and ketchup.
OLIVER. She’s put a bit of weight on.
BERNADETTE. Julie? I thought she went on Atkins.
OLIVER. Didn’t work.
Silence.
But I was talking to her about the stuff I’ve been doing recently, playing with texture and instrumentation and stuff. Polyphony. And she was saying that she knows this lyricist who’s pretty much the next big / thing. And she…
BERNADETTE. You know when I was little I didn’t think songs had words in them.
OLIVER. Bernadette, I was right in the middle of a story.
BERNADETTE. Sorry. Carry on.
OLIVER. I hate it when you do that.
BERNADETTE. I was enjoying it. Carry on.
OLIVER. I can literally see you drifting / off
BERNADETTE. I was listening. Julie’s clever and loves carbohydrates.
OLIVER. There’s always this moment with you when something I say makes you go ‘oh yeah, that sounds a lot like my life’ and / then you’re off thinking about…
BERNADETTE. That’s unfair. / You’re being really unfair now.
OLIVER. You used to think songs didn’t have words in them?
OLIVER. That’s stupid.
BERNADETTE. I was little.
OLIVER. So what… What did you think they sang?
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Vowel sounds. Like kind of improvised vowel sounds in tune with the, I dunno, the rhythm. Like:
She sings a vowel-sound melody.
OLIVER. But you could… you knew / words.
BERNADETTE. Oh yeah I knew about words. That there were words. And I was speaking them by then, I was speaking. I just didn’t know they were in…
OLIVER. Songs.
Pause.
Right.
BERNADETTE. You okay?
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. You’re a bit serious today.
OLIVER. Sorry.
BERNADETTE. I’m sorry for interrupting you.
OLIVER. Sorry if I’ve been a bit serious.
BERNADETTE. Where did you see fat Julie?
OLIVER. What?
BERNADETTE. Julie. Where did you see her?
OLIVER. Oh. The supermarket. She was buying falafel.
*
OLIVER. Six.
Long pause.
I’m sorry.
BERNADETTE. Tough day?
Pause.
OLIVER. Tough day.
BERNADETTE. Mine fine. Settled the Wilson case.
Pause.
OLIVER. I’m glad.
BERNADETTE. Zero?
OLIVER nods.
Joint custody. David gets weekends. Good they compromised.
Pause.
OLIVER nods.
*
OLIVER. So?
BERNADETTE. I really love it.
OLIVER. You do?
BERNADETTE. I do.
OLIVER. You like the flutes? And the little…
He hums a fanfare.
BERNADETTE. I do. I really love it.
OLIVER. Okay.
BERNADETTE. I’ve gotta go over some stuff.
OLIVER. When does the trial start?
BERNADETTE. Tomorrow.
OLIVER. First big trial.
BERNADETTE. First big trial.
OLIVER. I hate words like really.
BERNADETTE. What?
OLIVER. I really love it. You said: I really love it.
BERNADETTE. Okay…
OLIVER. Qualifiers.
BERNADETTE. Qualifiers?
OLIVER. I really love it. If you say: I love it, that’s like wow what a nice compliment, she loves what I do. I really love it is like saying: Please believe that I like this thing. Believe it, believe it. Right, now let’s just talk about my problems.
BERNADETTE. Whoa. That is really not. That is / not
OLIVER. The only time anyone has ever meant the word ‘really’ is when Eva Cassidy sings it in ‘Over the Rainbow’.
BERNADETTE. Oliver.
OLIVER. She goes: Reeeeeaaally.
BERNADETTE. Oliver.
OLIVER. Reeeeeeeaaallly.
BERNADETTE. You’re insecure.
OLIVER. No, I’m not.
BERNADETTE. You’re insecure about being insecure.
Pause.
OLIVER. No, I’m not.
BERNADETTE. I love your stuff. Okay?
BERNADETTE. Okay?
OLIVER. Yeah. With this stuff… I am just a bit…
BERNADETTE. Yeah. Listen, I’ve gotta go look over some stuff.
Pause.
OLIVER. I never thought I’d go out with a lawyer.
BERNADETTE. Well I always thought I’d be one so…
OLIVER. I know.
BERNADETTE. Sorry I can’t live to your standards.
OLIVER. That is really not what I’m saying.
Pause.
That’s not what I said.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Can we talk about this later?
OLIVER. Sure.
Silence.
*
OLIVER. Look, I need to get this done. Let’s just talk about this later okay?
*
BERNADETTE. Listen, I’ve got a presentation tomorrow. Can we talk about this later?
*
OLIVER. Just stop, just stop. I think it’d be better if we talked about this a bit… when we’ve cooled off.
*
BERNADETTE. I’ve got to go, I’m late. We’ll just talk about it later.
*
OLIVER. I think it’s really important we talk about this and I’m glad you brought it up.
*
BERNADETTE. I really do want to talk about it though.
*
OLIVER. Yeah.
*
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
*
All dialogue is shouted unless specified otherwise.
BERNADETTE. Just let me drive the car, Oliver. Don’t fucking tell me how. No, no I am a better driver than you are. I am better than you are at driving. He wasn’t anywhere fucking near me. Oh you’re scared, scared. You’re always fucking scared. You do this ‘Oh I’m scared for us, it was heartbreaking for me, I was deeply hurt’ bullshit. I am concentrating on the road. |
OLIVER. Jesus Christ. I’m letting you drive the… Bernadette, you’re checking your phone on the motorway… I’m not saying that I’m not saying that I’m not. I was scared. You were inches away from… Yes, I was scared, you almost ploughed into a… When do I do that? You are cold, Bernadette. You’re cold. Jesus, concentrate on the… |
A sudden intake of breath.
BERNADETTE (mumbled). He was… he came out of nowhere.
Long pause.
Stop it.
OLIVER. I wasn’t saying anything.
BERNADETTE. Sometimes you don’t have to say things.
OLIVER. Yeah, sometimes.
*
OLIVER. Twelve.
BERNADETTE. Eighteen.
Silence.
OLIVER. This good.
BERNADETTE. Put extra cayenne in beans.
OLIVER. Thanks.
Pause.
Hair nice.
BERNADETTE sighs.
BERNADETTE. Thanks.
*
OLIVER. We are happy aren’t we?
BERNADETTE. Yes.
OLIVER. You’re happy?
BERNADETTE. Yes.
OLIVER. And I’m happy.
BERNADETTE. Yes.
OLIVER. Good.
BERNADETTE. When you’re happy, you’re still not happy all the time are you?
OLIVER. No. That’d be weird.
BERNADETTE. It’d be creepy.
OLIVER. It’d be downright creepy.
BERNADETTE. Yeah. You need light and / shade.
OLIVER. Light and shade. Yeah. Otherwise you’d get sweaty and / overheat.
BERNADETTE. We only argue because we know each other so well.
OLIVER. I’m really glad we’re on the same page about this.
BERNADETTE. Me too.
Pause.
Why did you and Julie / break up?
OLIVER. Because it was just time.
BERNADETTE. Why was / it time?
OLIVER. There were a whole host of reasons.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Oliver. I’m sorry that I make more money than you.
*
OLIVER. Well, you know what it is? It’s censorship.
BERNADETTE. It’s not / censorship.
OLIVER. Of course / it is.
BERNADETTE. It’s not censorship. You can say anything you like just… concisely.
OLIVER. That’s bullshit, Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. It’s not bullshit, Oliver. I’m not saying it’s a good law. / It’s not. I’m just saying it’s not censorship.
OLIVER. You’re pussyfooting, Bernadette. Fence-sitting. There are things you can’t say in one hundred and forty words.
BERNADETTE. I know that.
OLIVER. Like wedding speeches, or presentations or epic poetry. Songs. A lot of songs have / more than one hundred and forty words in.
BERNADETTE. I’m with you. I agree with you. This was a thing before. Why are you so riled up all of a sudden?
OLIVER. The polls are showing a / serious turn towards
BERNADETTE. The polls have been the same for weeks. Ever since they got in. Before / even.
OLIVER. Hip hop is as good as dead.
BERNADETTE. They’re talking about a daily limit. All the errm, you know, the hip-hop rappers, they could do half a song and then come in and do the second half the next day.
OLIVER. It’ll cost too much. Studio time is fucking expensive. The big names will be fine but the young ones…
BERNADETTE. Well maybe they’ll waive it in special circumstances.
OLIVER. What? Like your divorce trials.
BERNADETTE. No.
OLIVER. You know what it does? It alienates the working class.
BERNADETTE. Does it?
OLIVER. It’s elitist.
BERNADETTE. How? Everyone gets the same / number of…
OLIVER. Yes everyone gets the same number of words but it’s the working classes that need them most. The powerful stay powerful because nobody’s got enough words to challenge them, nepotism multiplies exponentially and becomes basically the only way of getting jobs because well, who’s got enough words for interviews? Social mobility doesn’t exist in this. Class mobility is… it’s polarised. It’s all polarised. Protest is banned. They’re cutting the working class off like a bad bit of meat. Like how does anyone rise up in this? How do you say ‘Hello you, everyone, hello, I’m here and I’m fucking good,’ you know. I’m good. Nobody can tell each other they’re good any more. But if you’ve got money you’re fine because you wear it don’t you? You wear it in your clothes and in the way you walk and in the buildings that you go in and out of. But the working class – Jesus! – the working class can’t get their foot through the door. You know I thought you’d be angry about this, Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. Why’s that, Oliver? Because I’m one of them?
OLIVER. Everyone should be angry about this.
BERNADETTE. Don’t patronise me.
OLIVER. They’re banning democracy.
BERNADETTE. They’re not banning anything.
OLIVER. They’re limiting it.
BERNADETTE. Words are the weapons of the middle class. Not the working class. I read that.
OLIVER. There is no more middle class. It polarises everything. People who need words to prove themselves and people who don’t.
BERNADETTE. Apparently it’s been really good in Norway.
OLIVER. For what?
BERNADETTE. I don’t know, Oliver, for the way people talk to each other?
OLIVER. What because they don’t any more?
BERNADETTE. Maybe.
OLIVER. I wasn’t patronising you.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. I didn’t mean to.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. I just think that you, you know, come from a certain background and they, right now, need some sticking up for but it’s me / that’s really trying to do…
BERNADETTE. What, that’s gracing us working-class people with his support?
OLIVER. No.
BERNADETTE. You’re not a better person than me.
OLIVER. I know that.
BERNADETTE. I’m a lawyer.
Pause.
OLIVER. Yeah, and there are lots of people who haven’t been as lucky.
BERNADETTE. I’m not lucky.
OLIVER. Alright, who haven’t worked as hard as you have maybe but I don’t think they deserve to be cut out by a law that limits how much they can say.
BERNADETTE. How much everyone can say.
OLIVER. Yes, how much everyone can say. But it takes more words if you don’t have money, Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. I am not my background.
OLIVER. I know that.
BERNADETTE. No, I’m not my background.
OLIVER (robotically). Yes, and you’re not a lawyer and you’re not my girlfriend. You’re little bits of / all of those things.
BERNADETTE. Yes and I’m not Bernadette summed up in one word or…
OLIVER. You’re / little bits of…
BERNADETTE. I’m little bits of all of those things and yes, more and I’m not something that is finished. Soon, now even, I’m going to be little bits of other things as well and you’re going to have to be okay with that.
OLIVER. I know that, Bernadette. I didn’t mean…
BERNADETTE. It’s a bad law. I don’t think it’s going to pass.
OLIVER. How are you going to explain all of those little things in one hundred and forty words?
BERNADETTE. Maybe I’m not going to explain it.
OLIVER. Then nobody’s gonna know who you are.
BERNADETTE. Well… I don’t… Oliver, I was agreeing with you. It’s a bad law. It’s a bad law. I don’t think it’s going to pass.
OLIVER. Good.
BERNADETTE. Hey.
OLIVER. I’m going on the march tomorrow.
BERNADETTE. I thought we were going to the aquarium.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty-six.
OLIVER. 123,205,750.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. You’ve improved.
OLIVER. Words humans use in lifetime.
BERNADETTE. A lot.
OLIVER. Used to.
BERNADETTE. Now?
OLIVER. 4,011,350.
BERNADETTE. Still a lot.
OLIVER. If talking from birth.
BERNADETTE. Unlikely.
OLIVER. 119,195,400 gone.
BERNADETTE. Memorised?
OLIVER. Per person. Per lifetime. Extinct.
OLIVER. Sad. Really sad.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Qualifiers. They can go first.
*
OLIVER. I’m busy on Friday.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. You’re busy Friday.
OLIVER. I’m busy Friday.
BERNADETTE. Why are you busy Friday?
OLIVER. Okay right well, listen. They want us quiet. Hushed. That’s the point, that’s the point of the law, right? So I thought noise. Noise.
BERNADETTE. Noise?
OLIVER. Noise. Doesn’t matter what we’re saying. Doesn’t matter how. We don’t even need to be saying anything. Word-wise. Just needs to be loud. And it’s actually happening on Friday. It was just this thing that I thought of and now it’s… Thousands of people screaming through London. We’re bringing horns, gongs, trumpets. A couple of guys are bringing a timpani set on a wheely-platform. They’re gonna take turns pushing the platform and playing the drums.
BERNADETTE. But aren’t you proving them right?
OLIVER. Who?
BERNADETTE. Them. Capital T-H them.
OLIVER. How?
BERNADETTE. Walking through London shouting your heads off.
OLIVER. Of course not, we’re being free and using, you know, the human rights that we have.
BERNADETTE. Oh right. Yes. Of course.
OLIVER. You’ll be able to hear us from space. Space.
BERNADETTE. But there’s nobody in space.
OLIVER. Bernadette. You will be able to hear our protest march from space. I mean that is… sick. That’s a fucking cool protest march if you can hear it from… Democracy is all about…
BERNADETTE. What is democracy about, Oliver?
Pause.
OLIVER. Democracy is about voices being heard. On Friday our voices are going to be heard through Westminster, across the channel, across the whole freaking world and, yes, into space. And, Bernadette, it was kind of all my idea.
BERNADETTE. Isn’t there no sound in space?
Pause.
OLIVER. I don’t think that’s right.
*
OLIVER. Forty-six
BERNADETTE. Nine.
OLIVER. Okay. Right. I need to just tell you this now… at the noise…
BERNADETTE. No, don’t.
OLIVER. No, I do.
BERNADETTE. Oliver, don’t. Got nothing to give back.
*
BERNADETTE. Coverage was great.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Really. The coverage was everywhere.
OLIVER. Not too bad, yeah.
BERNADETTE. You looked handsome on TV.
OLIVER. Thanks. Jealous?
BERNADETTE. What? No. Of course not.
Pause.
Are you happy with it?
OLIVER. With what?
BERNADETTE. The protest.
OLIVER. Well it’s not really about me being happy with it.
BERNADETTE. Isn’t it?
Pause.
OLIVER. Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. Mmmm.
OLIVER. I need to… I’m really…
BERNADETTE. What?
OLIVER. I don’t really know how to say…
BERNADETTE. Oliver.
OLIVER. I’m really sorry.
BERNADETTE. Reeeeeaaaally?
OLIVER (steely). Bernadette.
Silence.
BERNADETTE. What?
OLIVER. Today erm…
Pause.
BERNADETTE. What?
OLIVER. Please don’t hate me. I think that would be probably more than I could, you know… take I guess.
BERNADETTE. What did you do?
OLIVER. I mean I know you do sometimes. Hate me. But it’s always… fleeting. It’s always short bursts of hate and even when I think it’s going to be longer than that it isn’t. But even those sometimes feel like deserts.
BERNADETTE. Oliver. What did you do?
Pause.
OLIVER. Julie was at the march. She… I tried to… I didn’t try that hard.
Silence.
BERNADETTE nods and turns away.
We threw a brick through a window.
BERNADETTE. What?
OLIVER. Yeah. We threw a brick through a window.
BERNADETTE. You threw a brick through a window?
OLIVER. Yep. Of an HMV.
BERNADETTE. You threw a brick through the window of an HMV.
OLIVER. We did. I mean we threw a brick each. We didn’t throw one together. I don’t even know how you’d go about that. Probably wouldn’t be a very good throw if we’d done that. In terms of power or accuracy.
BERNADETTE. That was the thing.
OLIVER. What? Yep. That was the thing.
BERNADETTE. Oh.
OLIVER. Yep. We didn’t get caught or anything but I knew you’d be annoyed.
BERNADETTE. Yeah, I am… Oliver. I’m really…
Silence.
OLIVER. I love you.
BERNADETTE. Yeah me too. I’m glad it was only one brick. Not like several bricks.
OLIVER. Yeah.
*
BERNADETTE. Thirty.
OLIVER. Two.
BERNADETTE. Choose carefully.
OLIVER. I apologise.
BERNADETTE. For what? Oliver, for what?
*
BERNADETTE. Morning.
OLIVER. Morning.
BERNADETTE. How are you feeling?
OLIVER. Okay.
BERNADETTE. Good.
OLIVER. We’ve done all we could.
BERNADETTE. You have.
OLIVER. If they’re gonna pass this fascist fest of a law now, they were always gonna pass it.
Pause.
You don’t think it’s fascist.
BERNADETTE. I don’t.
OLIVER. How can you think that?
BERNADETTE. I’m different from you.
Pause.
OLIVER. You’re gonna be late to work.
BERNADETTE. They’ve cancelled it.
BERNADETTE. All the courts are shut today. For the vote.
Pause.
OLIVER. That makes sense. This is more important, I suppose.
Silence.
*
OLIVER. Turn it on.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. Here we go.
BERNADETTE. Here we go.
Long silence. It should feel potentially endless.
OLIVER. Turn it off.
Silence.
BERNADETTE. I’m gonna have to gag myself at night.
OLIVER. What?
BERNADETTE. I talk in my sleep. You said I talk in my sleep. I’m gonna have to gag myself at night with like duct tape or a sock or something. Otherwise I’m just wasting. Just being wasteful.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. I never thought they’d actually…
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Go through with it.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. And how can they… how can it go through so.
OLIVER. Soon. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Monday.
OLIVER. They knew it was gonna pass.
BERNADETTE. They can’t have. It was too close.
OLIVER. They had the votes.
BERNADETTE. I’m sorry, Oliver.
OLIVER. What for?
BERNADETTE. That you didn’t win.
Pause.
OLIVER. We didn’t win, Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. Yeah, I know. But I’m just sorry that you didn’t. You tried really hard.
OLIVER. Don’t patronise me.
BERNADETTE. I really wasn’t.
OLIVER. I can’t tell any more.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Okay. Right. So we’ve got errrm we’ve got four days, four and a bit days before you know, it kicks in. I really think it’s important that we make the most of it. We should make the most of it. Because one hundred and forty words a day isn’t a lot of words and I know I’ll have to use most of them at work and you’ll have to, yes, use some of yours as well. So it’ll be hard for us to talk and communicate. You know, like we do.
Pause.
But I guess it’s lucky we’ve already got each other. That we already know each other really well. Meeting someone new would / be…
OLIVER. I need to give a speech.
BERNADETTE. Oh / right, okay.
OLIVER. To the, to the losers, I guess. Thanking them and… I guess encouraging them to keep going / and then I’ll come back and we’ll spend the next four days figuring this out.
BERNADETTE. I don’t think this is something you can just get repealed.
OLIVER. We need to figure out ways round it. Tricks and things.
BERNADETTE. Tricks and things.
*
BERNADETTE. What about abbreviations?
OLIVER. Abbreviations?
BERNADETTE. Like can’t or don’t or wasn’t or weren’t or…
OLIVER. What about them?
BERNADETTE. Do they count as one or two?
OLIVER. Oh right. Well how many do they count as one word?
BERNADETTE. We should check.
OLIVER. One. So you can say ‘can’t’ and still have one hundred and thirty-nine left.
BERNADETTE. Well that’s a relief.
OLIVER. I feel relieved.
BERNADETTE. Like a weight’s been lifted.
OLIVER. A little bit like a weight’s been lifted, yes.
BERNADETTE. Like a light weight.
OLIVER. Maybe we should like… Maybe we should just create a whole load of new abbreviations? That halves our output.
BERNADETTE. Like a code?
OLIVER. Yes. Sort of. So, so instead of ‘sort of’ we could just say ‘sorf’.
BERNADETTE. ‘Sorf’.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Or instead of ‘instead of’ we could say ‘insteaf’.
BERNADETTE. Or instead of ‘see you later’ we could have errr… we could say… ‘seeuoayer’.
OLIVER. Well, I mean that one’s a bit… You could just say ‘seeya’.
BERNADETTE. Yeah. I like that. That’s better.
OLIVER. And instead of saying ‘how are you’ or ‘how was your day’ we could just say: ‘how?’
BERNADETTE. But what if we’re asking a different how-related question. Like how does this microwave oven work or like how did people survive before fat-free frozen yogurt?
OLIVER. Okay.
BERNADETTE. Or how do you pronounce a double-L in Welsh?
OLIVER. Okay. That one wasn’t… But I guess they’ll emerge.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
OLIVER. In our daily lives.
BERNADETTE. In our day-to-day.
OLIVER. Yes. Good.
BERNADETTE. Instead of ‘I love you’ we could say ‘lovou’.
OLIVER. Yes. Definitely. Exactly.
*
OLIVER. Morse code! We could speak in Morse code!
BERNADETTE. How does that work?
OLIVER. Okay so each letter is a combination of dots and dashes.
BERNADETTE. Right.
OLIVER. So like an S is three dots.
BERNADETTE. Dot dot dot. That’s three words for one letter.
OLIVER dives onto the floor and taps three times.
BERNADETTE. Oliver.
OLIVER. Shhh.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
He taps the floor three times.
S.
OLIVER smiles widely.
How do you do a dash?
OLIVER drags his finger along the floor.
OLIVER. I’ll get you a book on it.
BERNADETTE. Thanks.
*
OLIVER. Maybe we’ll just have to look into each other’s eyes more. Eye contact. You can do a lot with eye contact.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
OLIVER. Like people tell whole stories with their eyes.
BERNADETTE. Do they?
OLIVER. I mean metaphorically.
BERNADETTE. Right. Yes.
OLIVER. Though I’m sure people do. Tell whole stories with their eyes. In some cultures.
BERNADETTE. Yeah, in like tribes and stuff.
OLIVER pauses, looks uneasy.
OLIVER. Like a long time ago.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
*
BERNADETTE. How long have we got?
OLIVER. About five minutes.
BERNADETTE. And then…
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Okay. I want to… I want to say everything then…
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. I want to just say everything, okay?
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Everything that I’ve ever wanted to say but never been really able to for some reason or other. And everything that you, Oliver, that you’ve always wanted to say but never really been able to say for some reason or other.
OLIVER. Yes.
BERNADETTE. I don’t want to talk later.
OLIVER. No. Well it’ll be difficult to talk later.
BERNADETTE. We’d have to do it in Morse code.
OLIVER. Yes it would be slow.
BERNADETTE. Okay I’ll start.
OLIVER. Right. Okay.
BERNADETTE. I’m gonna start.
OLIVER. Whenever you’re ready.
BERNADETTE. You start.
OLIVER. Okay.
BERNADETTE. We’ll take turns or yeah just see how it goes.
OLIVER. Right. Errrm. Okay. I love you. I do. I’m very grateful for you being with me and indulging me I guess in all my little things that I errrm… And I know I like to play the victim sometimes and I like to sulk and I like to punish you. Well I don’t like to punish you I just do sometimes – I’m not very forgiving. I know that and I’m sorry for that, I am, I am sorry for that because it, you know, probably has some repercussions on you and your state of mind and on us and…
BERNADETTE. Cool. Cool. Yep. Keep going.
OLIVER. And sometimes I feel that you don’t listen to what I’m saying or no you do listen, you do but you always have other cogs whirring at the same time if you know what I mean? Like if you were a laptop you’d have other tabs open. If you were an internet browser I mean. Like you’re looking at me, you’re definitely looking at me and focusing on me but but but I’m aware that at the top of the page there are, you know, other things open, other tabs. Maybe you’ve got Facebook or the news or a couple of YouTube videos about cats…
BERNADETTE. Yep doesn’t matter, keep going.
OLIVER. And I don’t like your brother. I think he is too dismissive of you and, yes, of me as well, and he’s too actually, you know what, and you’re going to disagree with me here, but too self-involved. I think he is so paranoid about retaining absolute control of every little thing he does that he’s actually a bit rude and also, also, very hard to buy presents for on birthdays.
BERNADETTE. Yep, agree about the birthday thing, not the rest.
OLIVER. Yes, well, I thought that was the point. You said you wanted us to / just say
BERNADETTE. No no it was. That’s good, that’s so good, that’s so good. I’ll go now.
OLIVER. Great.
BERNADETTE. Okay. Cool. Yep. Right. Sometimes I feel like, and I know I’ve said this a million times, but that you think I’m shallow.
OLIVER. Right. Yep. Good.
BERNADETTE. No, I do, I do. And also bad. You make me feel like I’m bad. You’re always higher than me. For some reason, you’re always higher. It’s like when we started we decided that you were going to be the good person and I was going to be the bad person. Even though sometimes, occasionally I feel pretty strongly that I’m actually the good person and you, you’re the er… And not just in the heat of the moment, I look back on it and I think about it and I reflect and reason with myself and I still think that there, just there, not always, but just there I was the good… one.
OLIVER. Wonderful.
BERNADETTE. Oliver.
OLIVER. No, no carry on. It’s good that we’re airing these while we’ve got this errr… fleeting window of opportunity.
BERNADETTE. See there! Just there! ‘This fleeting window of opportunity.’ What is that? The way you say things. Sometimes I think you use big words to make yourself feel better and me feel worse. Is it some kind of male-dominance thing because my pay cheque is bigger than yours? Is it you saying ‘I’m doing what I love because I love it. You, you’re a sell-out, you’re driven by money and security, but me, well, if I wanted to be a sell-out, if I wanted to be successful, then I’d use all the big words in court and people would listen to me because I’m clever in an obvious way.’ A lot of what you say sounds like that sometimes. A lot of our conversations feel like that.
OLIVER. Cool. Coool. Errr can I jump back in here or have you got more to…
BERNADETTE. Yeah do it! Go for it!
OLIVER. Just to say: this is great stuff. Real exorcising stuff.
BERNADETTE. Mmm-hmm. Quickly.
OLIVER. So I don’t like what you do. I know you think I don’t like it and I know you hate me for that and for not understanding that your mum worked in Tesco and your dad barely worked so you have this thing about achievement. And I love you for that. Obviously. And I know you think you always wanted to be a lawyer but come on, like you had passions and stuff and…
BERNADETTE. Okay. Great. I really feel like we’re making… Like you said it’s the exorcism thing. We just say it and then puff it’s gone.
OLIVER. Yeah, definitely. Puff.
BERNADETTE. Is there anything else?
OLIVER. Nope.
BERNADETTE. Really?
Long pause.
OLIVER. Nope.
BERNADETTE. Right. Okay great.
OLIVER. Oh and I love you.
BERNADETTE. Yep, I’ve got something else.
OLIVER. Well we’ve barely got any time left so…
BERNADETTE. So in bed. Sometimes, sometimes in bed. Okay I know that you… you do this whole love thing. And you’re staring in my eyes. Like right in my eyes… While you’re… you know. And it’s a bit… and I like that you’re so responsive to me and caring and intent on me, you know… And it is so nice. Boy, is it nice. Really. But sometimes I’m just a bit… I dunno… it’s hard to think of the… Now, bored isn’t the right word.
OLIVER. Okay yep faster. Much faster now. Come on. Thirty seconds. Faster faster faster.
BERNADETTE. And I wish you’d just stop fiddling around and worrying about… and just… let loose and really give it something, cowboy. Sometimes I want to feel sexy and powerful and like we could be in Basic Instinct or Brokeback Mountain or… I wish you’d just have at me once or twice. I don’t want to be sensitive or lovey, I don’t want to feel like your entire life had been leading up to the moment that you put your thing in my… I want you to be strong and…
OLIVER. And wrap it up, wrap it up.
BERNADETTE. But I like that we are, you know, making progress as a couple because what’s a relationship if it’s not moving… you know and I’m excited, I’m really excited about…
OLIVER. Stop stop stop stop stop!
Long silence.
They both breathe out slowly.
BERNADETTE. Lovou.
OLIVER. Lovou.
Pause.
Bed?
BERNADETTE smiles.
BERNADETTE. You.
She nods emphatically and points.
I.
She breathes out and pushes the palms of her hands downwards as if to say ‘I need a moment.’
OLIVER smiles and nods.
*
OLIVER. I’m sorry but are you okay?
BERNADETTE (teary). Yeah, no I’m fine. / I’m just very
OLIVER. I’m really sorry for your loss.
BERNADETTE. What?
OLIVER. Dennis. I’m really sorry that you had to go through that. I was at the protest. Where he was you know… crushed. It all just got a bit out of hand, if I’m honest. Oh no, but I wasn’t / involved.
BERNADETTE. No Dennis wasn’t my…
OLIVER (talking over her). I tried to save Dennis but couldn’t get through the crowd fast enough. I am so sorry. Honestly. I was only there for a friend really. She’s super against the hush law, / you see so…
BERNADETTE. No. Dennis wasn’t my cat. He was Steph’s.
OLIVER. You’re not Steph.
BERNADETTE. No.
OLIVER. I just thought… because you were crying…
BERNADETTE. I was very moved.
OLIVER. Oh. Right.
BERNADETTE. I thought it was a beautiful service and I was very moved.
OLIVER. Yeah. I didn’t even know they had pet cemeteries. Eerily quiet isn’t it. So you know Steph?
BERNADETTE. Yeah. You?
OLIVER. Well I thought you were her…
BERNADETTE. Why are you here then?
OLIVER. Well I felt bad about the… guilty I guess for being… Oh and I know Dan who did the errr… I guess you’d call it a eulogy.
BERNADETTE. Oh. Tell him I thought it was beautiful.
OLIVER. He’s very good at finding things to say about cats.
BERNADETTE. That’s quite a skill.
OLIVER. He worked on one of my tracks.
BERNADETTE. You’re a musician.
OLIVER. Yeah. Well recently it’s just been jingles for adverts and…
BERNADETTE. Anything I’d know?
OLIVER. Probably not.
BERNADETTE. I’m a lawyer.
OLIVER. Oh. Right. Okay. Yeah / that’s… that’s really impressive, I guess.
BERNADETTE. Yeah. Well I’m doing my pupillage. Training.
OLIVER. You kind of one-upped me there.
BERNADETTE. Yours is much cooler.
OLIVER. Thanks.
BERNADETTE. What’s the hush law?
OLIVER. What?
BERNADETTE. You were on a march or something. Where Dennis was…
OLIVER. You don’t / know about the…
BERNADETTE. I’m not really that politically…
OLIVER. It was for the limit thing. The daily-word-/limit thing…
BERNADETTE. Oh the Quietude Bill. I didn’t know / it was called that…
OLIVER. Yeah. Yeah, it’s a nickname. My friend’s really in to it. I just go with her.
Pause.
What’s your name?
BERNADETTE. Bernadette.
OLIVER. Wow.
BERNADETTE. What?
OLIVER. No. It’s just that that’s not a name you hear… but, but, errr, looking at you now it’s like I can’t imagine anything else. Like you are Bernadette. Like Bernadette is just you summed up in one word.
BERNADETTE. What’s your name?
OLIVER. Oliver.
BERNADETTE. Hmmmm I don’t buy it.
OLIVER. Pardon?
BERNADETTE. You don’t know me.
OLIVER. Well, I’d like to.
*
OLIVER waves at BERNADETTE.
She waves back.
They speak excessively slowly and loudly (Brits-abroad style).
BERNADETTE. How was your day?
OLIVER. Weird.
BERNADETTE. Weird how?
OLIVER. Eerie.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
OLIVER. Quiet.
BERNADETTE. Kind of nice.
OLIVER. It’s horrible. Orwellian.
BERNADETTE. Like pet cemetery everywhere.
OLIVER. Your day?
BERNADETTE. How was my…?
OLIVER. Yes.
BERNADETTE. Fine. Spent forty words ordering smoothie.
OLIVER. Getting special dispensation?
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Talk. Partners backing case for extra in courts.
OLIVER. Oh that is so fucking predictable…
He stops, horrified by his careless frittering of words.
BERNADETTE. Long term.
OLIVER. What’s short term?
BERNADETTE. Nobody knows.
Pause.
OLIVER. Nobody knows.
*
Playing Articulate again.
BERNADETTE. Cairo!
OLIVER shakes his head.
Istanbul!
OLIVER nods and gives her a thumbs up.
He takes another deep breath in.
OLIVER. Pushing down. Emotionally.
BERNADETTE. Forgetting.
He shakes his head.
Repressing.
He gestures as if to say ‘close’.
Lying.
OLIVER shakes his head.
Lying.
OLIVER shakes his head again.
I don’t know.
OLIVER. Suppressing. Come on.
BERNADETTE. Lying same thing.
She nods.
We’re getting better.
BERNADETTE. Need be more honest with each other.
*
Silence.
BERNADETTE. When I wake up, just for a second I…
OLIVER. Forget.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
Silence.
*
OLIVER. This one says: Fluffy, you were the light of my life and you loved tuna.
BERNADETTE. Jasper, a really good cat. Often mistaken for a meatloaf.
OLIVER. Maybe that was how he died. He was accidentally baked.
BERNADETTE. Dennis, a cat full of joy. If he could talk, he’d sing.
OLIVER. Dan’s good at / talking about cats.
BERNADETTE. Dan’s good at talking about cats.
OLIVER. What would you put?
BERNADETTE. I’d just put how much I loved them.
Pause.
What?
Pause.
OLIVER. You’re refreshing. I find you refreshing.
BERNADETTE. I’m not refreshing.
BERNADETTE. I’m a family / lawyer.
OLIVER. You’re a divorce lawyer.
BERNADETTE. They mean the same thing.
OLIVER. We both know which one sounds nicer.
BERNADETTE. We should go.
OLIVER. Where do you / wanna go?
BERNADETTE. I should go.
OLIVER. I’m sorry if I’ve…
BERNADETTE. You have nice eyes.
*
BERNADETTE. Tired?
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Not in the mood to…?
OLIVER. What?
BERNADETTE. It’s been a while.
OLIVER. No. I’m in… I could be.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
They breathe deeply.
Ow.
OLIVER. Sorry.
BERNADETTE. No.
OLIVER. What you want me to do?
BERNADETTE. Just…
Pause.
Yeah. Gently. Ow.
OLIVER. I’m sorry. You need to tell…
OLIVER. Same.
They breathe deeply again.
BERNADETTE. Ow.
OLIVER. Let’s stop.
*
OLIVER. Morning.
BERNADETTE. Morning.
OLIVER. You were talking last night. Through the duct tape. Batman again?
BERNADETTE. Not this time.
*
OLIVER and BERNADETTE stare purposefully into each other’s eyes.
They move their eyes theatrically as if trying to tell a story.
This goes on for a long time.
*
OLIVER. We need to stop meeting here. It’s all a bit morbid.
BERNADETTE. Well, it’s the only place that I know that you know.
OLIVER. You’ve never asked where else I know.
BERNADETTE. Well maybe I just like revisiting the graves of dead cats. Maybe I’m just that kind of girl.
OLIVER. Maybe we should talk about other places that we could meet.
*
BERNADETTE. Think should announce counts when see each other.
OLIVER. Waste.
BERNADETTE. Gives us an idea of where the other’s at.
OLIVER. How many they’ve saved.
BERNADETTE. How many they’ve got.
Pause.
OLIVER. Say how many left after…
BERNADETTE. After count. Yeah.
*
OLIVER. Sixteen.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-seven.
*
OLIVER. Thirty-six.
BERNADETTE. Twenty.
*
OLIVER. Fifty-eight.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-three.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty-nine.
OLIVER. Ninety-two.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty-two.
OLIVER. One.
*
OLIVER. Forty-eight.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-two.
OLIVER. You’re very regular.
BERNADETTE. Try save us some.
OLIVER. Not as much as you can. Always in twenties.
BERNADETTE. Good to have quota.
OLIVER. Don’t want life run by quotas.
BERNADETTE. I’m different from you.
OLIVER. I know.
BERNADETTE. Dunderstand.
Pause.
OLIVER. What?
BERNADETTE. You’re so angry.
OLIVER. Not fair. Or free.
BERNADETTE. Sometimes not about fairness.
OLIVER. Zero?
BERNADETTE nods.
What a waste.
*
OLIVER. Fifteen.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-four.
OLIVER. Seen list?
BERNADETTE. Of word sanctuaries.
OLIVER. Courts are on it.
BERNADETTE. You think it’s elitist.
OLIVER. I’m happy. You’ll save more.
*
OLIVER. Forty-two.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-two.
Pause.
OLIVER. Special dispensation.
BERNADETTE. In courtrooms. Extra in courtrooms. I have prep, meetings.
Pause.
Sorry.
OLIVER. I miss you.
BERNADETTE. You don’t.
OLIVER. I do.
BERNADETTE. I’m right here.
OLIVER. Twenty words of you.
BERNADETTE. All of me.
Pause.
OLIVER. No.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty.
OLIVER. Eight.
BERNADETTE. Let’s not fight about this. Parliament was on list.
OLIVER. Completely abusing it. Jesus.
BERNADETTE. Mmmm.
OLIVER. They’re moving in.
BERNADETTE. You seem excited.
OLIVER holds his index finger up as if telling BERNADETTE to wait.
What?
Pause.
You’re waiting for…
OLIVER. One Hundred Forty.
BERNADETTE. Here we go.
OLIVER. They’re moving into the House of Commons, Bernadette. It’s a live-in word sanctuary for the powerful. And know what they’ve got in there? Twenty-eight food outlets. Twenty-eight. In February they could eat at different one every day.
BERNADETTE. Not on leap years.
OLIVER. There’s a parliamentary hairdresser, a parliamentary florist, a parliamentary gym complete with buffed-up parliamentary / personal trainers.
BERNADETTE. Words.
OLIVER. Don’t care. That’s why keeping press out. They’ve built a cruise ship in the middle of London, they’re moving in and chatting.
BERNADETTE. Don’t get it when people get excited about bad news.
OLIVER. This is what we needed.
BERNADETTE. The movement.
OLIVER. The movement. But everybody too.
BERNADETTE. Something to fight.
OLIVER. Need to talk to Julie.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Why did you and Julie break up?
OLIVER. This is big. Things could happen.
BERNADETTE (mumbled). Need be more honest with / each other.
OLIVER. They’ve fired first shot, thrown first brick.
BERNADETTE. Happy for you.
*
BERNADETTE. Good luck today.
OLIVER. I need to find my air horn.
BERNADETTE. Have you got your ear plugs?
OLIVER. Yeah, I’ve got them but I’m not gonna / wear them.
BERNADETTE. Please wear them.
OLIVER. I want to hear it all.
BERNADETTE. The noise.
OLIVER. The noise.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. The vote’s on Wednesday?
OLIVER. Yep.
BERNADETTE. Five days. Oliver, I’m sorry if you think…
OLIVER. You don’t believe in it, Bernadette. I’m not asking / you to.
BERNADETTE. It’s not that I don’t believe in it. Really. I do believe in it. / It’s a bad law.
OLIVER. It’s that you don’t feel it.
BERNADETTE. Well, I’m sorry if that’s not enough / for me to just agree
OLIVER. It’s not about that. Fuck the air horn, I’ll just shout.
BERNADETTE. Good luck.
OLIVER. Thanks.
*
OLIVER. Six.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-four.
OLIVER. Busy Friday.
BERNADETTE. Dinner with Mum.
He shakes his head.
OLIVER. You.
He nods.
What’s going on?
OLIVER. Big fundraiser Friday.
BERNADETTE. Zero?
He nods.
Coming with this time.
Pause. OLIVER looks uncertain.
Coming with you.
*
OLIVER. One hundred six.
BERNADETTE. One hundred twelve.
They smile at each other. Silence.
OLIVER. Beautiful.
BERNADETTE. I look?
OLIVER. Yeah.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Thanks.
*
BERNADETTE. Neville’s a prick.
OLIVER. He’s funny. Big name.
BERNADETTE. Kept putting hands on me.
OLIVER. Being friendly.
BERNADETTE. He’s a slimy slimeball of a man.
OLIVER. Words. And he’s my friend.
BERNADETTE. Wish he wasn’t. You were with her all night.
OLIVER. Who?
OLIVER. Just grow a backbone, Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. Sorry?
OLIVER. I said just grow a fucking.
OLIVER attempts to say backbone but no sound comes out.
BERNADETTE. Are you out?
OLIVER paces in frustration.
You’re out. Well I’ve got loads left, Oliver. I saved my words for you, Oliver. I’ve got words to throw away because nobody even spoke to me at your angry freedom party.
Silence.
Octopus.
Pause. OLIVER looks at her confused.
Buffalo. Shanghai. Yellow. Aliens. Pasties. Terrorism. Creep. Wasted. California. Rhinoceros. Lemons.
Pause.
Lemons. Lemons. Lemons. Lemons. Lemons. Done.
Long silence.
*
BERNADETTE. Fifteen.
OLIVER. Six.
BERNADETTE. Pass the ketchup.
Pause.
Why did you and Julie break up?
Pause.
You’re running low.
OLIVER. She didn’t really love me any more.
Pause.
*
OLIVER. Thirty-two.
BERNADETTE. Twelve.
*
OLIVER. Twenty-seven.
BERNADETTE. Five.
*
OLIVER. Forty.
BERNADETTE. Fourteen.
*
OLIVER. One hundred three.
BERNADETTE. Seven.
*
OLIVER. Six.
BERNADETTE. Three.
*
OLIVER. Four.
BERNADETTE. Eight.
*
OLIVER. Two.
BERNADETTE does not respond.
Zero?
She nods.
Right.
*
BERNADETTE stops herself.
Pause.
Let’s just talk until it goes. Without trying to…
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. I miss you.
BERNADETTE. I’m here.
Pause.
OLIVER. It feels like we’ve both been pretending you’re not.
BERNADETTE smiles slightly.
BERNADETTE. That’s exactly how it feels.
Pause.
OLIVER. Okay.
BERNADETTE. I’m running low.
OLIVER. Okay.
BERNADETTE. I’m sorry for all of…
BERNADETTE runs out of words.
OLIVER. Yeah, me too.
Pause. OLIVER lowers himself to the floor.
BERNADETTE follows suit. She taps the floor three times.
S.
OLIVER taps the floor three times.
BERNADETTE copies.
OLIVER taps the floor three times with his right hand and once with his left.
BERNADETTE copies.
Eventually OLIVER begins to tap out a rhythm on the floor.
BERNADETTE begins to drum with him.
They fall silent.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty-five.
OLIVER. Twenty-five.
Pause.
It feels different.
BERNADETTE. Meeting here?
OLIVER. Yeah. And just ‘here’.
BERNADETTE. Louder.
Pause.
Looks like nobody’s buried cats here for a while.
OLIVER. Maybe they stopped dying.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Here it is.
OLIVER. Dennis, a cat full of joy. If he could talk, he’d sing.
BERNADETTE. Dan’s good at talking about cats.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Refreshing.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Feels refreshing.
*
OLIVER. Four.
BERNADETTE. Two.
OLIVER (measured). My favourite colour’s yellow.
BERNADETTE. Mine’s red.
*
BERNADETTE. Seven.
OLIVER. Squids.
BERNADETTE. Ink.
OLIVER. Poems.
BERNADETTE. Haikus.
OLIVER. Nagasaki.
BERNADETTE. Bombs.
OLIVER. Sex.
BERNADETTE. Shower.
OLIVER. Sex.
BERNADETTE. Dreamer.
OLIVER. Batman.
BERNADETTE. Joker.
OLIVER. Dead.
BERNADETTE. Pets.
*
OLIVER. Ninety-four.
BERNADETTE. Forty-seven. So?
OLIVER. I am gonna go.
BERNADETTE. To the march.
OLIVER. I need to.
BERNADETTE. Why?
OLIVER. Not about me.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. Bernadette.
OLIVER. Before it was.
BERNADETTE. About you.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. You were scared.
OLIVER. Insecure.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. It’s an unjust law.
OLIVER. And now that’s all it is.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. I’m coming with.
OLIVER. Babysitting again.
BERNADETTE. No. For you.
OLIVER. Lawyer on a protest march.
BERNADETTE. Oliver.
OLIVER. Family lawyer.
BERNADETTE. I work at a law firm. During some hours.
OLIVER. And now that’s all it is?
BERNADETTE. I guess that’s always been all it is.
Pause.
Nothing’s gonna change.
OLIVER smiles sadly and nods.
OLIVER. I know.
*
They breathe deeply.
BERNADETTE. Whoa.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
Pause.
Ah.
OLIVER. Sorry.
BERNADETTE. No. Good.
OLIVER. Running low.
BERNADETTE. Really good.
*
OLIVER. Hundred thirty-seven.
BERNADETTE. Hundred thirty-seven. What want do today?
OLIVER. Just get it all out.
BERNADETTE. Get it all out?
OLIVER begins to sing a song. [In the original production this was the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme tune.]
BERNADETTE joins in.
OLIVER sings until he runs out of words. BERNADETTE continues alone until she too runs out of words which happens long before the song’s end.
Silence.
*
OLIVER. I need tell you something.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. On day of the noise march…
BERNADETTE. Space noise march.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. When you and Julie threw the…
Pause.
OLIVER. I slept with her.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. I think I knew.
OLIVER. I think I knew you knew.
Long pause.
BERNADETTE. Thanks for telling me though.
*
BERNADETTE. Instead of ‘I love you’ we could say ‘lovou’.
OLIVER. Yes. Definitely. Exactly.
BERNADETTE. Great.
OLIVER. Great.
BERNADETTE. I think we’re going to deal with this really well.
OLIVER. Yeah, I think we’ll be completely fine.
BERNADETTE. Really / fine.
OLIVER. Really fine. And if, I mean, if we ever don’t quite understand each other, what the other / is trying to
BERNADETTE. I think we will though.
OLIVER. Yeah I know we definitely will. Because we’re so well / prepared.
BERNADETTE. Well prepared. / Exactly.
OLIVER. But if we don’t. I mean if the time comes where we don’t quite get…
BERNADETTE. Right.
OLIVER. We could say ‘dunderstand’.
BERNADETTE. ‘Dunderstand’.
BERNADETTE. That’s a good one.
OLIVER. Thanks.
BERNADETTE. I suppose it’s about finding little tricks like you said.
OLIVER. Yes. I think so. Sort of.
BERNADETTE. Sorf.
OLIVER. Sorf.
The End.