CHAPTER 4

MARRIED WITH CHILDREN: YOUR REAL-LIFE VERSION

To say that there are dramatic differences between a person’s first and second wedding is a decided understatement. First weddings are most often an expected and welcome passage in life, something that traditional society embraces. For many women, it is a dream come true and their chance to be Princess-for-a-Day. Weddings are also a showcase of sorts for parents who wish to make a statement to their friends, while acknowledging how they have evolved as a family. Any reference to children is usually directed toward the bride and groom, with the occasional uncle toasting to their good fortune and successful procreation. In the first marriage for both parties, even when one or both sets of their parents are divorced, the slate is clean because there are no children involved.

But in the case of second marriages that include the bride and/or groom’s respective children, the landscape is very different and certainly more complex. When friends and family refer to “the children,” they are all too often implying a sort of “baggage” that is perceived to be part of the overall marital package, but the issue is how to involve them all so they do not seem, or become, unwanted baggage.

Second weddings are usually orchestrated with much less pageantry, without any statements by the couple’s parents or toasts and winks hinting at enlarging what may already seem to be an oversized family.

KEEPING YOUR KIDS IN THE LOOP

In a very real way, the prospect of another failed marriage is always a concern as a couple embarks on this new adventure. Any past failures do not need to be advertised by another large celebration. The second time around, friends and peers are more important to the couple getting married, particularly those who may have helped and supported the single divorced parents during their ongoing struggle and search for someone new. Beyond the joyful hopes for a better future, it can be a humbling occasion.

Perhaps the biggest question that arises when planning such an event is what to do with the new bride and groom’s own children. It’s good if this question is asked early on and discussed frequently because it is extremely important.

No matter how complicated a couple’s situation may be the answer is simple. The wedding must be viewed and handled as if it’s for the children as much as it is for their parents. This second time around, it is not by any means the grandparents’ wedding. Since a wedding is a celebration of starting something new, which should be wonderful, it also means that it is the end of something old (i.e., the original family that the children have known since they were born). Therefore, both the bride and groom’s children must be considered from the beginning of the process and, if they wish, be included in the ceremony.

This means that you should tell your children as soon as you know that you intend to get married. It is much better that they hear it from you rather than from someone else. They need time to grieve the end of their biological family before they can move on and greet a new life. Whatever their age, your marriage to someone new will affect them just as much, as it will affect you, if not more.

A parent’s new marriage will impact almost everything in the life of a little child, from where and how he or she lives to how he or she is treated. It will also impact how much time each biological parent gets to spend with the child and depending on the amount of time the child does spend with each parent, he or she may be more comfortable with one than with the other. The new marriage will ultimately affect the course of a young kid’s relationship with both parents. Not surprisingly, the first concern of the children is usually how it will affect them. Most fear they will be displaced—again—and are left to wonder whether the new marriage will mean that they will lose another parent.

It should come as no surprised that some children become negative as the marriage date approaches, even though they seem to like the person you chose, and have been supportive of the idea of you getting married. This negative response is natural and often occurs when anyone faces a significant change in life. Don’t be too discouraged or change your plans.

Your children will ask questions:

“What will happen to me?”

“Where will I fit in?”

“Will I fit in?”

“Is there a place for me?”

These questions are reasonable and should be expected of children of any age suddenly confronted by such a monumental change. They should be constantly reassured that you will love them despite the changes and that there is definitely a place for them in your new family.

One of the best ways to point out how integral they are to your new family is to keep them informed about what is going on and involve them in the planning as soon as you can. This includes much more than merely planning the wedding, a one-day affair.

It’s more about what the ongoing living arrangements will be—what, if any, effect it will have on where they go to school, who their friends will be and what new family obligations they will need to fulfill.

“I guess I knew they were going to get married,” one of my younger patients told me. “Mom started to talk about what would happen. She kept telling us that she loved us, and that everything would be the same, and it got to be kind of annoying because we knew it anyway, but in a funny way, it also made us feel better just to hear it again. Our dad was really okay with it. He was so busy with his own social life that it didn’t seem to make much difference to him, and mom’s new husband was nice to us, and not nasty to him, which was really all he cared about anyway. I mean, I was still a little shocked and upset when it really happened, but I think I felt better about it than I would have, otherwise. Her constant communication really helped.”

A child’s anxiety about one of his or her parents marrying someone else becomes even worse when the new person also has children of his or her own. For the anxious child, this means that this new blended family means a package deal: stepsiblings on top of a stepparent. It suggests a new hierarchy emerging, with a whole new set of questions.

“Who will you care about more, your new wife’s kids or me?”

“What loyalty will your new partner have to me?”

“Two parents already seems like a lot. How do I manage three?”

In the eyes of a child, your new marriage into an already existing family can look like an emerging turf war. Will one of these adults become the lead or Alpha parent and put their children ahead of the other person’s? Kids know that the new adult in the mix doesn’t have a biological or historical connection to them, so they figure why should that person care about them or take their side when any problem comes up? Children worry that if their biological parents split up and one parent has already left them, then why won’t this new adult, with no biological connection to them, also leave at some point? Given such fears, it’s natural that kids worry about getting too attached to this new person who might also leave them. It is also natural that at the last minute they may want to fight to prevent the marriage, and keep the status quo they had, which may not have been great, but was at least familiar.

An adult’s second marriage is also a child’s potential prescription for anxiety, fear of abandonment, loss of family bonding, and the end of previous experiences with known reality. This sounds terribly daunting, and in some cases, it is. The antidote is quite simple: constant love and reassurance that the child will not be replaced by either a new stepparent or that person’s children. The process of reassurance should begin before the divorce, and should continue long after the marriage ceremony, with the understanding that at times of future stress, like when new children are added and anxieties reappear, children will need additional support.

Tell your child again and again that he or she is loved, that there is a place for him or her in your life and in your new family, and that he or she is important to everyone. Keep this dialogue going until he or she starts to say, “Yeah, I know that you love me. Back off, I’m getting tired of hearing it, and it’s embarrassing in front of my friends.” Then, keep on telling him or her, because everyone, even you, likes to know that they are important, wanted and cared for.

PLANNING THE WEDDING

My own experience of getting married for the second time was mixed. In the first place, we were so glad to be able to finally get married. Once Donna’s divorce was finalized, we arranged a date during a holiday when we knew that all the children would be there, and when a few other people, like our parents, could come. We figured that while we should ultimately make our own plans, involving both sets of children in the process would help make everyone feel more secure and get the process moving in a collaborative direction. Plus, your children know you better than almost anyone else and Donna and I thought they would have some good ideas to make the whole process even more fun.

As we were making up the plans for a reception after the wedding, we let them help us pick some of the appetizers, which they seemed to like. They had ideas about what everyone preferred.

One story sticks out for me, in particular, because it reminds me so much of our own experience.

“I was really upset when my mom got married, but I didn’t realize how upset I was until the actual wedding. I couldn’t tell her beforehand because she seemed so excited, and I was glad that I had a part in the actual ceremony. But in the middle of it, I ended up crying. I realized it was the end of my old family, I really didn’t know what would happen, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted anything to change. The planning for the wedding helped me a little, but being there really made me realize it all at once. I was really glad though that I went.”

Children from both sides should not only be involved in planning the wedding, but should also have a role in the actual ceremony. One size does not fit all, but making a child the Best Man or Maid of Honor, a Bride’s Maid, a Groomsman, a Ring Bearer or a Flower Girl may certainly do the trick. You can even create a role that is not part of a traditional ceremony. Even if the children are young, they can still participate in what will remain a very important event for them well into the future. Minor children in particular will be affected, especially those who have been solely dependent on their biological parent for some time and will continue to be for a significant time after your wedding. Very little children have memories later in their life about important events they were involved in and no child is too young to be included. You need to make major efforts to involve yours and your new spouse’s children—even the rebellious ones and those who have been acting out to express their unhappiness about what is about to occur. After all, if you manage it right and succeed in your new marriage they will come around eventually and participate with everyone else.

I have seen what happens when children are not included and it’s not a good thing. Exclusion is basically equivalent to punishing them for expressing how they feel at the time, which is usually unhappiness about the break-up of their family and the fact that you may no longer spend time focusing exclusively on them. Even if you don’t agree, you need to listen to what they are saying because in their view, they may feel that you have made their life worse because of your new plans. Not including them because they are unhappy tells them that their parent’s love for them is conditional, and can be lost, just like their original family. Your effort to include them makes a statement to the children, to your new spouse, and to everyone else that your children matter!

Many second marriages break up because a parent feels they need to decide between their new spouse and their child, which will ultimately become an intolerable situation. You can avoid that pitfall if you involve your children in the primary stages of these changes.

When Donna and I got married, we gave the kids important parts to play. Frank was the Best Man, Susan was the Maid of Honor, and Barry was the Ring Bearer. It didn’t keep them from being sad and upset, but they all knew that they were important to us, and had a vital place in our new lives.

After the ceremony, we all went to a small hotel for the reception. It was nice, given that we were paying for the whole thing this time, and considering that we had so many other uses for the money, like living expenses and our kids, it felt especially rewarding to make our own choices about how to celebrate our marriage. At that point in our lives, we knew that if we didn’t have a good time and enjoy our own wedding, we were really in trouble.

However, our euphoria was short-lived. Barry, who was ten years old at the time, had been upset and crying during the ceremony, and for some reason, he was left unsupervised at the party. We discovered when we got home that he had been nipping on leftover cocktails and either fell asleep or passed out when he got home. Susan, fourteen years old and my new stepdaughter, didn’t know what to do with her instant stepbrother, and with Barry effectively unable to talk, we found her awkwardly watching TV. Frank, also fourteen, was unsure of how to relate to his instant stepsiblings, so he awkwardly continued lifting weights in the same room while Susan watched TV and Barry slumped across the couch. Nobody talked to each other. So much for instant blending. For me, aside from marrying the woman I loved, it seemed like a regular night. Teenagers acting like teenagers. Barry was home safely and I would take care of him in the morning. Mostly, I looked forward to the next day and taking our whole family to lunch.

COPING WITH RESISTANCE AND EASING ANXIETIES

While you might think your second marriage is the best thing that has ever happened to you there is no guarantee your child will see it that way. Their solid and stable world, which was thrown into chaos as a result of the divorce, may have finally settled down, but is about to be thrown into turmoil once again.

Your new marriage finalizes the end of what your children have known as their only family, and squishes any dreams of it ever being reestablished. Unfortunately, the only control they can feel over what is happening may be expressed through negativity. From your children’s point of view, your new marriage is the funeral of the only family they have ever known—their own biological family. What can they do to let you know how unhappy they are about that loss? Your children may have tried to tell you a hundred times, in many different ways, how upset they are about their family ending, but despite their input, you and their other parent are still divorced. Now, although they may have told you they are unhappy, or don’t want you to get remarried and move your life forward, you are going through with it anyway. Their conclusion is that you either did not hear them, paid no attention or don’t care, because they cannot see any other explanation for what you are doing.

There are many different ways children tell you they are sad or unhappy and would like to stop a process you see as moving on with your life. The child may suddenly tell you they do not like the person you are involved with, or think you should have married someone else. One very basic way is to tell you that they will not attend your wedding, or if they must come, they will not participate. These statements are ways for them to let you know they are unhappy, and that they feel they have no control over a major part of their life.

Remember that you are the parent, and despite their negativity, don’t react out of hurt and anger from your perceived lack of support. Continue reaching out and include them in your plans because you are theoretically the more mature one in the relationship. Give them the opportunity to change their mind at the last minute, as we all have done throughout our lives without being penalized for our indecision. This prevents you from making a decision that you might later regret. It’s a chance for everyone to learn from mistakes. This means that they will know you tried to make them part of the process, the celebration and the new family.

Even if they do not come, keep trying to reach out and include them in your life as it goes forward. Not doing so sets the stage for bad feelings on both sides, and may make it even harder to include them later. They may think that you will remain angry because they didn’t attend the wedding, or be embarrassed about what they later view as their own bad behavior. Your new spouse may be hurt and angry, and help drive a wedge between you and your child, which will make it even harder in the future to work things out. The easiest thing is to try and include them. It really does not hurt anyone, but it does lay the groundwork for things to improve later. No matter what, leave the door open.