CHAPTER 6

WHAT’S A HONEYMOON THE SECOND TIME AROUND?

In the months leading up to our wedding, Donna and I had essentially been living together with our kids except for the occasional visitations they would have with their other biological parent. (This is one of those doctor-like do as I say, but not as I have done points.) We felt like we really needed a break to have a little space for ourselves. We spent a week in Mexico shortly after the wedding—just the two of us—and had a really great time. It was our first experience not having to schedule around our kids, which in our case involved three young adolescents. In retrospect, it was really a great way to start everything off. In some ways, it was better than the honeymoon we each had experienced from our first marriages because this time we really needed a break—together.

THE CEREMONY’S OVER: NOW WHAT?

In second marriages, the tradition of taking off immediately after the party for some exotic destination is often merely a fantasy. Arranging time for a honeymoon can be a complex affair requiring extensive planning to find a time that fits both the work and visitation schedules of everyone: the newlyweds, their exes, and all the children. Many people skip the honeymoon because these negotiations can be too complex. Others just want to save money or can’t find anyone to take care of the children while they go away.

Despite the complexity involved in actually making the arrangements, it is usually good to take some type of a break, even if it is short and to a place nearby. This is true, even if everyone including the children has been living together before the wedding. A honeymoon is an event that helps clearly delineate for everyone the end of one life and the beginning of another. It is important that something be done to celebrate and mark this transition. Whether or not the children go along, or how luxurious the trip turns out to be is less crucial. While it is normally important to try and involve the children in most things, this is a time to “chill out” without them, even for a day.

Shortly after our wedding and honeymoon, we took our three kids on a Christmas vacation to a place that Donna had gone to many times before. On our last night we went to her favorite restaurant. After dinner Barry and Frank went to play backgammon. Barry began to cry and said that he was upset because he used to do that with his dad every year in the very same place. As we started talking about it, he grew sadder, Susan withdrew and Frank became silent and tense. It was clear that Donna’s kids were being reminded of what used to be and that Frank, who had never talked much about his own feelings, wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it. Gradually, as we talked, cried and hugged, things seemed to get a little better for everyone, although we all talked about how it would never be the same. Each of us had to learn something new about change, and above all, Donna and I tried to encourage our children to stay open and not fear it.

PLANNING THE NEXT STEPS

As soon as the ceremony ends and the honeymoon is over, things can get very complicated, even if everything seemed to be flowing smoothly up until that time. A newly married couple creating a new blended family rarely has an opportunity to reflect, let alone make plans in isolation because children from one or both spouse’s previous marriages are always there and in need of some kind of attention. In spite of that, take time with your spouse to appreciate what you have accomplished and plan for your future. But beware. Children are supposed to be flexible, impressionable and eager for a new and better life, but they frequently are not in the beginning. They are often very unhappy about the changes and express their unhappiness in many ways. Children are often a reminder of your previous families. They may try their best to perpetuate long-standing traditions while verbally reminding everyone of how it was “better in the olden days.”

WHAT TO DO WHEN NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO CELEBRATE

As a new couple begins to establish their own patterns, their children will most likely fight this process. They are being dragged, kicking and screaming, into a future they are not sure they want to join. They often see no reason for the marriage, are upset by any change, and continually remind everyone verbally and behaviorally that not only was it different before, but they liked it better that way. In some ways, this can be almost a replay of a first marriage, where the couple’s parents and in-laws carried around the old values and continually reminded the couple of them. The children in the second marriage are the reincarnation of the in-laws from the first one, and are always quick to point out everything that is not right or was done differently or better in the past.

This disruption continues for some time, with the child carrying around their old biological family’s values and memories, while resenting the need to give some of them up. Gradually, there will be fewer instances where this occurs, and as they are successfully resolved new ones should occur less frequently and without so much emotional intensity. As that happens, the children’s reactions will change when they realize that things may be better and that they have input into the new family. In the beginning though, time is a luxury that no one has. Children are often less impressionable than everyone thinks them to be. So don’t be shocked if these situations occasionally come up in the future.

It was shocking to me in the beginning that Donna would ask the kids what they wanted to do and then listen to their input. I grew up with parents deciding everything and the kids going along with it, albeit resentfully. I kept saying, “But you keep treating them like real people, not kids.” There I was, a professionally trained psychiatrist, learning something new yet again.