CHAPTER 9

GROWING PAINS

Life as a stepparent can run the gamut from best experience of your life to one of the worst, and quite often it provides both. At times, you may feel that everything you do is wrong and that everyone seems unhappy and considers it your fault. At other times, the pleasures and joys are greater than you could imagine. You may even feel like you have more rewarding interactions with your stepchildren than with your own. But living with someone else’s children when you cannot be with your own can seem terribly unfair and downright painful. Knowing that while you are with your stepchildren, your own child is with your ex and his or her significant other is an ongoing hurt that seems as if it will never go away. Hopefully, all the pain and heartache will dissipate and seem worthwhile, especially the first time a stepchild unthinkingly calls you Mom or Dad, or asks to do something together.

YOU’VE MARRIED A FAMILY

Many people pay lip service to the concept of marrying a family, believing they are just marrying the person they dated and fell in love with. This blindly romantic notion is delusional, an effort to continue acting as if you are still in a dating relationship, with the children as an afterthought or as something to merely fit in between career and love life. It implies that your new partner has nothing to do except to work and cater to you, which is unrealistic. Your efforts to continue this fantasy will sooner or later break down because you have married a total package, not just the person of your dreams.

Have you ever heard the phrase “Buyer Beware” when it comes to buying a new couch? It may seem comfortable in the department store but when you get it home it just doesn’t feel right and the return policy is not what you thought.

In a second marriage, that package often includes children, an ex-spouse, in-laws (a new set) and some weird relatives. So when you start out with a new blended marriage, how do you enter another person’s family and even hope to make a seamless transition?

Separation and loss can turn people inward. They try to reconnect to items and people they felt close to and could depend on in the past. It should not surprise you that the person you have fallen in love with and recently married will continue to be very involved with his or her biological children, even ones that are adult. The kids may have seemed less important while you were dating, but the children are still central to a parent’s life.

This means that many of the struggles the two of you have will be about children, not about in-laws, as it may have been in your first marriage. It also means that if you do not like one or all of your new spouse’s children before you start out, unless you are willing to change, it will probably get worse, not better. Acceptance is everything, and that applies to more than your new spouse. Your love for this person does not guarantee that you will be crazy about the children.

What about tolerating bad habits, behaviors you do not approve of, ways you think they are spoiled or values that are different than yours or your own kids?’ It can be even be worse if you don’t approve of something and your new spouse doesn’t agree. Biological parents who are still together often can’t wait for their own, natural children to pass through adolescence and leave home, so how can you, a stepparent, endure that same adolescent turmoil with someone else’s children?

Becoming a new stepparent can seem so daunting, especially if you feel as if you have very little input or control with a child, one who keeps saying, “You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my mom or dad.”

In first marriages, many people say their problems began when they had children and their spouse became more interested in the children than in their adult relationship. This sense of distance from the new spouse may occur more rapidly in a second marriage when there are already children present. As soon as the knot is tied, the courtship ends, and everyone reverts back to focusing on their own children.

Unless this situation is properly addressed, second marriages won’t work. One spouse winds up saying, “I really liked them, but I just couldn’t live with their kids because they always put them first.”

There is no sure way to navigate this process successfully, but I have discovered some things that worked for me and other couples. First of all, use patience. Blending a family is a long, complex process. Time must be measured in months and years, not days or weeks, and progress occurs slowly. There is never a total reversal or an instantaneous acceptance of the stepparent as the child’s savior, newest best friend, or replacement mom or dad. To the extent you recognize that, and look for small positives rather than major shifts, you, your new spouse and your new stepchildren will all benefit.

In my case, nothing prepared me for living full-time with an entirely new family. The struggles began immediately. It was frustrating when Donna’s kids pointed out that I wasn’t their parent when I tried to tell them to do something. That was often just a symptom of adolescence, but at the time I personalized it because I was the stepparent and feeling vulnerable. It was equally painful—and I can almost still feel the emptiness in the pit of my stomach—to be off doing something with them that was fun and wishing my own child was there to share the experience.

No one can adequately describe the pains and hurt of being a stepparent any more than one can describe the joy. The meaningfulness of attending the school graduation of a stepchild or walking down the aisle with a stepdaughter and hearing her thank you for helping her achieve that milestone is beyond my ability to articulate, but just knowing that I really did have some small part in making it happen is enormously special and I would not trade the experience for anything.

EXPANDING YOUR VOWS

Committing to a new relationship means meeting the challenges and obligations of your new family’s day-to-day life. Whether it’s “your children,” “your spouse’s children,” or “our children,” each of them have activities that merit support from all parents and siblings. In my professional experience, when children participate in an extracurricular activity they like and can begin to excel in, one that ultimately builds self-esteem, they do better in life and are less likely to get into trouble. They don’t have to shine like an afternoon TV special, but they do need to know that they have your support and encouragement. It is important to support all of your children by setting aside time to attend activities.

The message you give children if you don’t go is that you don’t really care about them or what they do, and the message you give your new spouse if you don’t participate in his or her children’s activities is that you don’t really care about something that is very important to him or her. The statement that it makes about you is that you never really bought into the blended family concept, and were just there for your own convenience or just for your spouse. In any case, everyone loses if you follow that path.

The more you engage as a parent the more you will feel a part of everyone’s life. Your blended family will feel that you are truly involved with them and they will include you, as well. The emotional pleasure you receive from watching someone you are involved with grow and improve will make it all worthwhile.

Donna used to drive Frank to his football training for what seemed to be every day all summer. It was really a hassle at times because she was working, had our new babies and her own two kids, but it made Frank happy, and he in turn would help Barry and the other kids at home. Me? I sat through Barry and Susan’s piano recitals. Today, none of the kids are doing any of those things, but I think it helped us all connect and appreciate each other.

When Barry was little, he was in several soccer leagues and we would drive all over the county to watch him play. I often wondered why I let myself be dragged along, when I could have been doing any number of things I thought I preferred. But I always enjoyed watching Barry play soccer and I felt proud whenever anyone acknowledged my involvement.

Years later, Barry would go to his little brothers’ activities when we could not. He would take them out after the games and do things together, just as I had done with him. When I mentioned to Donna how pleased I was about that, and what a good job he was doing as a big brother, she said, “Well it’s because he learned that from you. You were a good role model.”

At least I got it right some of the time.

INCLUSION VS. INTRUSION

It is relatively easy in a first marriage to decide who to include in special events, because in the beginning it usually means everyone is welcome, including both sets of parents, other relatives, and old family friends—until people drop out by not participating, being negative or moving away. Ultimately, a married couple develops their own network as they add new friends, their children’s friends and even their children’s friends’ parents.

In a second marriage, particularly at first, it may seem unclear who should be part of this new blended family. Close relatives of each spouse are relatively easy to include, as are people who have previously been a significant part of either spouse’s and children’s lives.

There is often a temptation to exclude the ex-spouse and his or her family, including the grandparents and other relatives, because they may have taken sides in the divorce. From the children’s perspective, these people have been part of their life from the onset and should continue to be involved in the future. Therefore, they should be involved in major activities. Not to include the other parent at a child’s birthday party or an event at school is a guarantee that problems will arise, even if the other parent chooses not to attend after being informed. One parent choosing not to attend may be that parent’s own problem, but it is also something the child will have to deal with. But not extending an invitation is simply close-minded and offers no favor to your child.

Children do better when everyone is included. It reassures them that they will not be abandoned again and reinforces the significance they hold to others. Involving everyone in special events also supports the notion that life goes on despite the changes. An open door also acknowledges that there will be significant events that are meant for everyone to share in the future. You may as well begin positively by taking the high road on those occasions where everyone can be included, such as school events, graduations, birthday parties, concerts and sports. However you slice it, inclusion is in your children’s best interest.

Inclusion also means remaining consistent and involved, so that stepchildren will come to see you as a resource and not just their natural parent’s friend or spouse. You may eventually start thinking of them as your children, and have the same hopes, aspirations and fears that you have for your own children.

When children see that their stepparent is dependable, predictable and there for the long haul they can feel secure, confident and strong. It is very scary for anyone, but particularly for a child to be around someone who seems unpredictable, and will overreact one day, ignore things the next day, and then respond appropriately the third day. The best way to build trust is to let your stepchildren feel as though you are there for them, and not that you despise them or that they are a burden to you. It makes a big difference if you try to get to know them, and get involved in the things that are important to them. Again, it is not necessary to thrust yourself into the middle of everything they do, or try to be a super-parent in an effort to get them to like you or make up for the inadequacies of their absent biological parent. It is enough to be there, get involved with them, not ignore them, and not allow yourself to be run off by them when they are less than happy and try to make your life difficult.

In turn, your stepchildren will want to get to know you and what is important to you. They may ask about you if you are open and available to them, but if they do not, you can volunteer information about yourself, your interests, and your own experience. As this happens you may find yourself developing a more meaningful and deeper relationship with them, and may even get to the point where you genuinely like them more than you ever thought you could. They, in turn, will get to like you more, may want to spend more time with you and do more things with you. When that begins to happen you realize that all your efforts have been worthwhile, and that everyone, but particularly you, has benefited. Your new spouse will be pleased and appreciative of your efforts, and may even become closer to you. Even the ex will appreciate your efforts to help and will be grateful that you genuinely care about his or her child, and may in turn feel less pressure to fight with everyone, while needing to provide additional emotional and financial support. As time progresses, you may also develop a friend in the child who may like to do things with you, often some of the things they learned from you.

The secret is simple: time, commitment and consistency. Those three gifts will present the most ironic surprises.

After seven years of us living together and struggling through a good deal of it, Barry was ready to go off to college. There had been times over the years when I felt like I was marking the days off on a calendar, but just before Barry left we really got to enjoy each other. We became real friends, and I missed him dearly when he left. I know that it all had to do with my being there, committed and steady, for my son.