The stage is bare but for a round metalwork table, set slightly off-centre, stage left, and two metalwork chairs.
Harry comes on, stage right, a middle-aged man in his forties. He wears a casual suit, perhaps tweed, with a suitable hat which, after glancing pleasurably around, he takes off and puts on the table beside him, along with a pair of well-used leather gloves and a folded newspaper.
Presses his shoulders back, eases neck, etc., making himself comfortable. Settles down. Glances at his watch, shakes it, makes sure it’s going; winds it slowly, looking round.
Stretches neck again. Leans down, wafts cotton from his turn-ups. Examines shoes, without stooping.
Clears his throat. Clasps his hands in his lap, gazes out, abstracted, head nodding slightly, half-smiling.
Jack Harry!
Jack has come on from the other side, stage left. He’s dressed in a similar fashion, but with a slightly more dandyish flavour: handkerchief hanging from top pocket, a rakish trilby. Also has a simple though rather elegant cane.
Harry Jack.
Jack Been here long?
Harry No. No.
Jack Mind?
Harry Not at all.
Jack sits down. He stretches, shows great relief at being off his feet, etc.
Jack Nice to see the sun again.
Harry Very.
Jack Been laid up for a few days.
Harry Oh dear.
Jack Chill. In bed.
Harry Oh dear. Still . . . Appreciate the comforts.
Jack What? . . . You’re right. Still . . . Nice to be out.
Harry ’Tis.
Jack Mind?
Harry All yours.
Jack picks up the paper; gazes at it without unfolding it.
Jack Damn bad news.
Harry Yes.
Jack Not surprising.
Harry Gets worse before it gets better.
Jack ’S right . . . Still . . . Not to grumble.
Harry No. No.
Jack Put on a bold front. (Turns paper over.)
Harry That’s right.
Jack Pretty. (Indicates paper.)
Harry Very.
Jack By Jove . . . (Reads intently a moment.) Oh, well.
Harry That the one? (Glances over.)
Jack (nods) Yes . . . (Clicks his tongue.)
Harry (shakes his head) Ah, well.
Jack Yes . . . Still . . .
Harry Clouds . . . Watch their different shapes.
Jack Yes?
Looks up at the sky at which Harry is gazing.
Harry See how they drift over?
Jack By Jove.
Harry First sight . . . nothing. Then . . . just watch the edges . . . See.
Jack Amazing.
Harry Never notice when you’re just walking.
Jack No . . . Still . . . Best time of the year.
Harry What?
Jack Always think this is the best time.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Not too hot. Not too cold.
Harry Seen that? (Points at the paper.)
Jack (reads; then) By Jove . . . (Reads again briefly.) Well . . . you get some surprises . . . Hello . . . (Reads farther down, turning edge of paper over.) Good God.
Harry What I felt.
Jack The human mind. (Shakes his head.)
Harry Oh dear, yes.
Jack One of these days . . .
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack Then where will they be?
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Never give it a thought.
Harry No . . . Never.
Jack (reads again) By Jove . . . (Shakes his head.)
Harry leans over; removes something casually from Jack’s sleeve.
Jack Oh . . .
Harry Cotton.
Jack Oh . . . Picked it up . . . (Glances round at his other sleeve, then down at his trousers.)
Harry See you’ve come prepared.
Jack What . . . ? Oh.
Harry indicates Jack’s coat pocket.
Jack takes out a folded plastic mac, no larger, folded, than his hand.
Jack Best to make sure.
Harry Took a risk. Myself.
Jack Oh, yes . . . What’s life worth . . .
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack I say. That was a shock.
Harry Yesterday . . . ?
Jack Bolt from the blue, and no mistake.
Harry I’d been half-prepared . . . even then.
Jack Still a shock.
Harry Absolutely.
Jack My wife . . . you’ve met? . . . Was that last week?
Harry Ah, yes . . .
Jack Well. A very delicate woman.
Harry Still. Very sturdy.
Jack Oh, well. Physically, nothing to complain of.
Harry Oh, no.
Jack Temperament, however . . . inclined to the sensitive side.
Harry Really.
Jack Two years ago . . . (Glances off.) By Jove. Isn’t that Saxton?
Harry Believe it is.
Jack He’s a sharp dresser, and no mistake.
Harry Very.
Jack They tell me . . . Well, I never.
Harry Didn’t see that, did he?
They laugh, looking off.
Eyes in the back of your head these days.
Jack You have. That’s right.
Harry Won’t do that again in a hurry. What? (Laughs.)
Jack I had an uncle once who bred horses.
Harry Really.
Jack Used to go down there when I was a boy.
Harry The country.
Jack Nothing like it. What? Fresh air.
Harry Clouds. (Gestures up.)
Jack I’d say so.
Harry My wife was coming up this morning.
Jack Really?
Harry Slight headache. Thought might be better . . .
Jack Indoors. Well. Best make sure.
Harry When I was in the army . . .
Jack Really? What regiment?
Harry Fusiliers.
Jack Really? How extraordinary.
Harry You?
Jack No. No. A cousin.
Harry Well . . .
Jack Different time, of course.
Harry Ah.
Jack Used to bring his rifle . . . No. That was Arthur. Got them muddled. (Laughs.)
Harry Still.
Jack Never leaves you.
Harry No. No.
Jack In good stead.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack All your life.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack I was – for a very short while – in the Royal Air Force.
Harry Really?
Jack Nothing to boast about.
Harry Oh, now. Flying?
Jack On the ground.
Harry Chrysanthemums is my wife’s hobby.
Jack Really.
Harry Thirty-seven species round the house.
Jack Beautiful flower.
Harry Do you know there are over a hundred?
Jack Really?
Harry Different species.
Jack Suppose you can mix them up.
Harry Oh. Very.
Jack He’s coming back . . .
Harry . . . ?
Jack Swanson.
Harry Saxton.
Jack Saxton! Always did get those two mixed up. Two boys at school: one called Saxton, the other Swanson. Curious thing was, they both looked alike.
Harry Really?
Jack Both had a curious skin disease. Here. Just at the side of the nose.
Harry Eczema.
Jack Really?
Harry Could have been.
Jack Never thought of that . . . When I was young I had an ambition to be a priest, you know.
Harry Really?
Jack Thought about it a great deal.
Harry Ah, yes. A great decision.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Catholic or Anglican?
Jack Well . . . Couldn’t really make up my mind.
Harry Both got a great deal to offer.
Jack Great deal? My word.
Harry Advantages one way. And then . . . in another.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry One of my first ambitions . . .
Jack Yes.
Harry Oh, now. You’ll laugh.
Jack No. No . . . No. Really.
Harry Well . . . I would have liked to have been a dancer.
Jack Dancer . . . Tap or ‘balley’?
Harry Oh, well. Probably a bit of both.
Jack A fine thing. Grace.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack Physical momentum.
Harry Yes.
Jack Swanson might have appreciated that! (Laughs.)
Harry Saxton.
Jack Saxton! By Jove . . . At school we had a boy called Ramsbottom.
Harry Really.
Jack Now I wouldn’t have envied that boy’s life.
Harry No.
Jack The euphemisms to which a name . . . well. One doesn’t have to think very far.
Harry No.
Jack A name can be a great embarrassment in life.
Harry It can . . . We had – let me think – a boy called Fish.
Jack Fish!
Harry And another called Parsons!
Jack Parsons!
Harry Nicknamed ‘Nosey’.
Jack By Jove! (Laughs; rises.) Some of these nicknames are very clever.
Harry Yes.
Jack (moves away stage right) I remember, when I was young, I had a very tall friend . . . extremely tall as a matter of fact. He was called ‘Lolly’.
Harry Lolly!
Jack It fitted him very well. He . . . (Abstracted. Pause.) Yes. Had very large teeth as well.
Harry The past. It conjures up some images.
Jack It does. You’re right.
Harry You wonder how there was ever time for it all.
Jack Time . . . Oh . . . Don’t mention it.
Harry A fine cane.
Jack What? Oh, that.
Harry Father had a cane. Walked for miles.
Jack A habit that’s fast dying out.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Knew a man, related to a friend of mine, who used to walk twenty miles a day.
Harry Twenty!
Jack Each morning.
Harry That really shows some spirit.
Jack If you keep up a steady pace, you can manage four miles in the hour.
Harry Goodness.
Jack Five hours. Set off at eight each morning. Back for lunch at one.
Harry Must have had a great appetite.
Jack Oh. Absolutely. Ate like a horse.
Harry Stand him in good stead later on.
Jack Ah, yes . . . Killed, you know. In the war.
Harry Oh dear.
Jack Funny thing to work out.
Harry Oh, yes.
Pause.
Jack (sits) You do any fighting?
Harry What?
Jack Army.
Harry Oh, well, then . . . modest amount.
Jack Nasty business.
Harry Oh! Doesn’t bear thinking about.
Jack Two relatives of mine killed in the war.
Harry Oh dear.
Jack You have to give thanks, I must say.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Mother’s father . . . a military man.
Harry Yes.
Jack All his life.
Harry He must have seen some sights.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Must have all had meaning then.
Jack Oh, yes. India. Africa. He’s buried as a matter of fact in Hong Kong.
Harry Really?
Jack So they tell me. Never been there myself.
Harry No.
Jack Hot climates, I think, can be the very devil if you haven’t the temperament.
Harry Huh! You don’t have to tell me.
Jack Been there?
Harry No, no. Just what one reads.
Jack Dysentery.
Harry Beriberi.
Jack Yellow fever.
Harry Oh dear.
Jack As well, of course, as all the other contingencies.
Harry Oh yes.
Jack At times one’s glad simply to live on an island.
Harry Yes.
Jack Strange, that.
Harry Yes.
Jack Without the sea – all around – civilisation would never have been the same.
Harry Oh, no.
Jack The ideals of life, liberty, freedom, could never have been the same – democracy – well, if we’d been living on the Continent, for example.
Harry Absolutely.
Jack Those your gloves?
Harry Yes.
Jack Got a pair like that at home.
Harry Yes?
Jack Very nearly. The seam goes the other way, I think. (Picks one up to look.) Yes. It does.
Harry A present.
Jack Really?
Harry My wife. At Christmas.
Jack Season of good cheer.
Harry Less and less, of course, these days.
Jack Oh, my dear man. The whole thing has been ruined. The moment money intrudes . . . all feeling goes straight out of the window.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack I had an aunt once who owned a little shop.
Harry Yes?
Jack Made almost her entire income during the few weeks before Christmas.
Harry Really.
Jack Never seemed to occur to her that there might be some ethical consideration.
Harry Oh dear.
Jack Ah, well.
Harry Still . . .
Jack Apart from that, she was a very wonderful person.
Harry It’s very hard to judge.
Jack It is.
Harry I have a car, for instance.
Jack Yes?
Harry One day, in December, I happened to knock a pedestrian over in the street.
Jack Oh dear.
Harry It was extremely crowded.
Jack You don’t have to tell me. I’ve seen them.
Harry Happened to see something they wanted the other side. Dashed across. Before you know where you are . . .
Jack Not serious, I hope?
Harry No. No. No. Fractured arm.
Jack From that, you know, they might learn a certain lesson.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Experience is a stern master.
Harry Ah, yes. But then . . .
Jack Perhaps the only one.
Harry It is.
Jack I had a cousin, on my mother’s side, who once fell off a cliff.
Harry Really.
Jack Quite a considerable height.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack Fell into the sea, fortunately. Dazed. Apart from that, quite quickly recovered.
Harry Very fortunate.
Jack Did it for a dare. Only twelve years old at the time.
Harry I remember I fell off a cliff, one time.
Jack Oh dear.
Harry Not very high. And there was someone there to catch me. (Laughs.)
Jack They can be very exciting places.
Harry Oh, very.
Jack I remember I once owned a little boat.
Harry Really.
Jack For fishing. Nothing very grand.
Harry A fishing man.
Jack Not really. More an occasional pursuit.
Harry I’ve always been curious about that.
Jack Yes?
Harry ‘A solitary figure crouched upon a bank.’
Jack Never stirring.
Harry No. No.
Jack Can be very tedious, I know.
Harry Still. A boat is more interesting.
Jack Oh, yes. A sort of tradition, really.
Harry In the family.
Jack No. No. More in the . . . island, you know.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack Drake.
Harry Yes!
Jack Nelson.
Harry Beatty.
Jack Sir Walter Raleigh.
Harry There was a very fine man . . . poet.
Jack Lost his head, you know.
Harry It’s surprising the amount of dust that collects in so short a space of time. (Runs hand lightly over table.)
Jack It is. (Looks round.) Spot like this, perhaps, attracts it.
Harry Yes . . . (Pause.) You never became a priest, then?
Jack No . . . No.
Harry Splendid to have a vocation.
Jack ’Tis . . . Something you believe in.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack I could never . . . resolve certain difficulties, myself.
Harry Yes?
Jack The hows and the wherefores I could understand. How we came to be, and His presence, lurking everywhere, you know. But as to the ‘why’ . . . 1 could never understand. Seemed a terrible waste of time to me.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Thought it better to leave it to those who didn’t mind.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack I suppose the same was true about dancing.
Harry Oh, yes. I remember turning up for instance, to my first class, only to discover that all the rest of them were girls.
Jack Really?
Harry Well . . . there are men dancers, I know. Still . . . Took up football after that.
Jack To professional standard, I imagine.
Harry Oh, no. Just the odd kick-around. Joined a team that played in the park on Sunday mornings.
Jack The athletic life has many attractions.
Harry It has. It has.
Pause.
Jack How long have you been here, then?
Harry Oh, a couple of, er.
Jack Strange – meeting the other day.
Harry Yes.
Jack On the way back, thought to myself, ‘What a chance encounter.’
Harry Yes.
Jack So rare, these days, to meet someone to whom one can actually talk.
Harry I know what you mean.
Jack One works. One looks around. One meets people. But very little communication actually takes place.
Harry Very.
Jack None at all in most cases! (Laughs.)
Harry Oh, absolutely.
Jack The agonies and frustrations. I can assure you. In the end one gives up in absolute despair.
Harry Oh, yes. (Laughs, rising, looking off.)
Jack Isn’t that Parker? (Looking off.)
Harry No . . . N-no . . . Believe his name is Fielding.
Jack Could have sworn it was Parker.
Harry No. Don’t think so . . . Parker walks with a limp. Very slight.
Jack That’s Marshall.
Harry Really? Then I’ve got Parker mixed up again. (Laughs.)
Jack Did you see the one who came in yesterday?
Harry Hendricks.
Jack Is that his name?
Harry I believe that’s what I heard.
Jack He looked a very suspicious character to me. And his wife . . .
Harry I would have thought his girlfriend.
Jack Really? Then that makes far more sense . . . I mean, I have great faith in the institution of marriage as such.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack But one thing I’ve always noticed. When you find a married couple who display their affection in public, then that’s an infallible sign that their marriage is breaking up.
Harry Really?
Jack It’s a very curious thing. I’m sure there must be some psychological explanation for it.
Harry Insecurity.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Quite frequently one can judge people entirely by their behaviour.
Jack You can. I believe you’re right.
Harry Take my father, for instance.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry An extraordinary man by any standard. And yet, throughout his life, he could never put out a light.
Jack Really.
Harry Superstition. If he had to turn off a switch, he’d ask someone else to do it.
Jack How extraordinary.
Harry Quite casually. One never noticed. Over the years one got quite used to it, of course. As a man he was extremely polite.
Jack Ah, yes.
Harry (sits) Mother, now. She was quite the reverse.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Great appetite for life.
Jack Really?
Harry Three.
Jack Three?
Harry Children.
Jack Ah, yes.
Harry Youngest.
Jack You were?
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack One of seven.
Harry Seven!
Jack Large families in those days.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Family life.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Society, well, without it, wouldn’t be what it’s like today.
Harry Oh, no.
Jack Still.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack We have a wonderful example.
Harry Oh. My word.
Jack At times I don’t know where some of us would be without it.
Harry No. Not at all.
Jack A friend of mine – actually, more of an acquaintance, really – was introduced to George VI at Waterloo.
Harry Waterloo?
Jack The station.
Harry By Jove.
Jack He was an assistant to the stationmaster at the time, in a lowly capacity, of course. His Majesty was making a weekend trip into the country.
Harry Probably to Windsor.
Pause.
Jack Can you get to Windsor from Waterloo?
Harry I’m . . . No. I’m not sure.
Jack Sandringham, of course, is in the country.
Harry The other way.
Jack The other way.
Harry Balmoral in the Highlands.
Jack I had an aunt once who, for a short while, lived near Gloucester.
Harry That’s a remarkable stretch of the country.
Jack Vale of Evesham.
Harry Vale of Evesham.
Jack Local legend has it that Adam and Eve originated there.
Harry Really?
Jack Has very wide currency, I believe, in the district. For instance. You may have read that portion in the Bible . . .
Harry I have.
Jack The profusion of vegetation, for example, would indicate that it couldn’t, for instance, be anywhere in the Middle East.
Harry No. No.
Jack On the other hand, the profusion of animals . . . snakes, for example . . . would indicate that it might easily be a more tropical environment, as opposed, that is, to one which is merely temperate.
Harry Yes . . . I see.
Jack Then again, there is ample evidence to suggest that during the period in question equatorial conditions prevailed in the very region in which we are now sitting.
Harry Really? (Looks around.)
Jack Discoveries have been made that would indicate that lions and tigers, elephants, wolves, rhinoceroses, and so forth, actually inhabited these parts.
Harry My word.
Jack In those circumstances, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to suppose that the Vale of Evesham was such a place itself. The very cradle, as it were, of . . .
Harry Close to where your aunt lived.
Jack That’s right.
Harry Mind if I have a look?
Jack Not at all.
Harry takes the cane.
Harry You seldom see canes of this quality these days.
Jack No. No. That’s right.
Harry I believe they’ve gone out of fashion.
Jack They have.
Harry Like beards.
Jack Beards!
Harry My father had a small moustache.
Jack A moustache I’ve always thought became a man.
Harry Chamberlain.
Jack Roosevelt.
Harry Schweitzer.
Jack Chaplin.
Harry Hitler . . .
Jack Travel, I’ve always felt, was a great broadener of the mind.
Harry My word.
Jack Travelled a great deal – when I was young.
Harry Far?
Jack Oh. All over.
Harry A great thing.
Jack Sets its mark upon a man.
Harry Like the army.
Jack Like the army. I suppose the fighting you do has very much the same effect.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Bayonet?
Harry What?
Jack The, er.
Harry Oh bayonet . . . ball and flame. The old three, as we used to call them.
Jack Ah, yes.
Harry A great welder of character.
Jack By Jove.
Harry The youth of today: might have done some good.
Jack Oh. My word, yes.
Harry In the Royal Air Force, of course . . .
Jack Bombs.
Harry Really.
Jack Cannon.
Harry Ah, yes . . . Couldn’t have got far, in our job, I can tell you, without the Royal Air Force.
Jack No. No.
Harry Britannia rules the waves . . . and rules the skies, too, I shouldn’t wonder.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Nowadays, of course . . .
Jack Rockets.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack They say . . .
Harry Yes?
Jack When the next catastrophe occurs . . .
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack That the island itself might very well be flooded.
Harry Really.
Jack Except for the more prominent peaks, of course.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack While we’re sitting here waiting to be buried . . .
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack (laughing) We’ll end up being drowned.
Harry Extraordinary! (Laughs.) No Vale of Evesham then.
Jack Oh, no.
Harry Nor your aunt at Gloucester!
Jack She died a little while ago, you know.
Harry Oh. I am sorry.
Jack We weren’t very attached.
Harry Oh, no.
Jack Still. She was a very remarkable woman.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack In her own particular way. So few characters around these days. So few interesting people.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Uniformity.
Harry Mrs Washington. (Looking off.)
Jack Really? I’ve been keeping an eye open for her. (Stands.)
Harry Striking woman.
Jack Her husband was related to a distant cousin of mine, on my father’s side. (Straightening tie, etc.)
Harry My word.
Jack I shouldn’t be surprised if she recognises me . . . No . . .
Harry Scarcely glanced. Her mind on other things.
Jack Oh, yes. (Sits.)
Harry Parker. (Looking off.)
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry You’re right. He’s not the man with the limp.
Jack That’s Marshall.
Harry That’s right. Parker is the one who has something the matter with his arm. I knew it was something like that.
Jack Polio.
Harry Yes?
Jack I had a sister who contracted polio. Younger than me. Died within a matter of hours.
Harry Oh. Goodness.
Jack Only a few months old at the time. Scarcely learnt to speak.
Harry What a terrible experience.
Jack I had another sister die. She was how old? Eleven.
Harry Oh dear.
Jack Large families do have their catastrophes.
Harry They do.
Jack I remember a neighbour of ours, when we lived in the country, died one morning by falling down the stairs.
Harry Goodness.
Jack The extraordinary thing was, the following day they were due to move into a bungalow.
Harry Goodness. (Shakes his head.)
Jack One of the great things, of course, about my aunt’s house.
Harry Yes?
Jack In Gloucester. Was that it had an orchard.
Harry Now they are lovely things.
Jack Particularly in the spring.
Harry In the spring especially.
Jack And the autumn, of course.
Harry ‘Boughs laden.’
Jack Apple a day.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack I had a niece once who was a vegetarian.
Harry Really.
Jack Ate nut rissoles.
Harry I tried once to give up meat.
Jack Goes back, you know.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Proctor. The young woman with him is Mrs Jefferies.
Harry Really.
Jack Interesting people to talk to. He’s been a missionary, you know.
Harry Yes?
Jack Spent most of his time, he said, taking out people’s teeth.
Harry Goodness.
Jack Trained for it, of course. Mrs Jefferies, on the other hand.
Harry Yes.
Jack Was a lady gymnast. Apparently very famous in her day.
Harry My word.
Jack Developed arthritis in two of her, er.
Harry Oh dear.
Jack Did you know it was caused by a virus?
Harry No.
Jack Apparently. I had a maiden aunt who suffered from it a great deal. She was a flautist. Played in an orchestra of some distinction. Never married. I thought that very strange.
Harry Yes.
Jack Musicians, of course, are a strange breed altogether.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Have you noticed how the best of them have very curly hair?
Harry Really.
Jack My maiden aunt, of course, has died now.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack Spot of cloud there.
Harry Soon passes.
Jack Ever seen this? (Takes out a coin.) There. Nothing up my sleeve. Ready? One, two, three . . . Gone.
Harry My word.
Jack Here . . . (Takes out three cards.) Pick out the queen of hearts.
Harry This one.
Jack No!
Harry Oh!
They laugh.
Jack Try again . . . There she is. (Shuffles them round on the table.) Where is she?
Harry Er . . .
Jack Take your time.
Harry This one . . . Oh!
They laugh.
Jack That one!
Harry Well. I’ll have to study those.
Jack Easy when you know how. I have some more back there. One of my favourite tricks is to take the ace of spades out of someone’s top pocket.
Harry Oh . . . (Looks.)
Jack No. No. No. (Laughs.) It needs some preparation . . . Sometimes in a lady’s handbag. That goes down very well.
Harry Goodness.
Jack I knew a man at one time – a friend of the family, on my father’s side – who could put a lighted cigarette into his mouth, take one half from one ear, and the other half from the other.
Harry Goodness.
Jack Still lighted.
Harry How did he do that?
Jack I don’t know.
Harry I suppose – physiologically – it’s possible, then.
Jack Shouldn’t think so.
Harry No.
Jack One of the advantages, of course, of sitting here.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack You can see everyone walking past.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Jennings isn’t a man I’m awfully fond of.
Harry No.
Jack You’ve probably noticed yourself.
Harry I have. In the army, I met a man . . . Private . . . er.
Jack The equivalent rank, of course, in the air force, is aircraftsman.
Harry Or able seaman. In the navy.
Jack Able seaman.
They laugh.
Harry Goodness.
Jack Funny name. (Laughs.) Able seaman. I don’t think I’d like to be called that.
Harry Yes! (Laughs.)
Jack Able seaman! (Snorts.)
Harry Fraser. Have you noticed him?
Jack Don’t think I have.
Harry A thin moustache.
Jack Black.
Harry That’s right.
Jack My word.
Harry Steer clear, probably, might be better.
Jack Some people you can sum up at glance.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack My mother was like that. Delicate. Not unlike my wife.
Harry Nevertheless, very sturdy.
Jack Oh, yes. Physically, nothing to complain about. My mother, on the other hand, was actually as delicate as she looked. Whereas my wife looks . . .
Harry Robust.
Jack Robust. My mother actually looked extremely delicate.
Harry Still. Seven children.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry My father was a very . . . emotional man. Of great feeling.
Jack Like mine.
Harry Oh, very much like yours.
Jack But dominated somewhat.
Harry Yes?
Jack By your mother.
Harry Oh. I suppose he was. Passionate but . . .
Jack Dominated. One of the great things, of course, about the war was its feeling of camaraderie.
Harry Friendship.
Jack You found that too? On the airfield where I was stationed it was really like one great big happy family. My word. The things one did for one another.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack The way one worked.
Harry Soon passed.
Jack Oh, yes. It did. It did.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack No sooner was the fighting over than back it came. Backbiting. Complaints. Getting what you can. I sometimes think if the war had been prolonged another thirty years we’d have all felt the benefit.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack One’s children would have grown up far different. That’s for sure.
Harry Really? How many have you got?
Jack Two.
Harry Oh, that’s very nice.
Jack Boy married. Girl likewise. They seem to rush into things so early these days.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack And you?
Harry Oh. No. No. Never had the privilege.
Jack Ah, yes. Responsibility. At times you wonder if it’s worth it. I had a cousin, on my father’s side, who threw herself from a railway carriage.
Harry Oh dear. How awful.
Jack Yes.
Harry Killed outright?
Jack Well, fortunately, it had just pulled into a station.
Harry I see.
Jack Daughter’s married to a salesman. Refrigerators: he sells appliances of that nature.
Harry Oh. Opposite to me.
Jack Yes?
Harry Heating engineer.
Jack Really. I’d never have guessed. How extraordinary.
Harry And yourself.
Jack Oh, I’ve tinkered with one or two things.
Harry Ah, yes.
Jack What I like about my present job is the scope that it leaves you for initiative.
Harry Rather. Same with mine.
Jack Distribution of foodstuffs in a wholesale store.
Harry Really.
Jack Thinking out new ideas. Constant speculation.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Did you know if you put jam into small cardboard containers it will sell far better than if you put it into large glass jars?
Harry Really?
Jack Psychological. When you buy it in a jar you’re wondering what on earth – subconsciously – you’re going to do with the glass bottle. But with a cardboard box that anxiety is instantly removed. Result: improved sales; improved production; lower prices; improved distribution.
Harry That’s a fascinating job.
Jack Oh, yes. If you use your brains there’s absolutely nothing there to stop you.
Harry I can see.
Jack Heating must be a very similar problem.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack The different ways of warming up a house.
Harry Yes.
Jack Or not warming it up, as the case may be.
Harry Yes!
They laugh.
Jack I don’t think I’ve met your wife.
Harry No. No . . . As a matter of fact. We’ve been separated for a little while.
Jack Oh dear.
Harry One of those misfortunes.
Jack Happens a great deal.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Each have our cross.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack Well. Soon be time for lunch.
Harry Will. And I haven’t had my walk.
Jack No. Still.
Harry Probably do as much good.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Well, then . . . (Stretches. Gets up.)
Jack Yours or mine?
Harry Mine . . . I believe. (Picks up the newspaper.)
Jack Ah, yes.
Harry Very fine gloves.
Jack Yes.
Harry Pacamac.
Jack All correct.
Harry Cane.
Jack Cane.
Harry Well, then. Off we go.
Jack Off we go.
Harry breathes in deeply; breathes out.
Harry Beautiful corner.
Jack ’Tis.
Pause; last look round.
Harry Work up an appetite.
Jack Right, then. Best foot forward.
Harry Best foot forward.
Jack Best foot forward, and off we go.
They stroll off, taking the air, stage left.
Kathleen and Marjorie come on, stage right.
Kathleen is a stout middle-aged lady; she wears a coat, which is unbuttoned, a headscarf and strap shoes. She is limping, her arm supported by Marjorie.
Marjorie is also middle-aged. She is dressed in a skirt and cardigan. She carries an umbrella and a large, well-used bag.
Kathleen Cor . . . blimey!
Marjorie Going to rain, ask me.
Kathleen Rain all it wants, ask me. Cor . . . blimey! Going to kill me is this. (Limps to a chair, sits down and holds her foot.)
Marjorie Going to rain and catch us out here. That’s what it’s going to do. (Puts umbrella up: worn, but not excessively so.)
Kathleen Going to rain all right, i’n’t it? Going to rain all right . . . Put your umbrella up – sun’s still shining. Cor blimey. Invite rain that will. Commonsense, girl . . . Cor blimey . . . My bleedin’ feet . . . (Rubs one foot without removing shoe.)
Marjorie Out here and no shelter. Be all right if it starts. (Moves umbrella one way then another, looking up.)
Kathleen Cor blimey . . . ’Surprise me they don’t drop off . . . Cut clean through, these will.
Marjorie (looking skywards, however) Clouds all over. Told you we shouldn’t have come out.
Kathleen Get nothing if you don’t try, girl . . . Cor blimey! (Winces.)
Marjorie I don’t know.
Kathleen Here. You’ll be all right, won’t you?
Marjorie . . . ?
Kathleen Holes there is. See right through, you can.
Marjorie What?
Kathleen Here. Rain comes straight through that. Won’t get much shelter under that. What d’I tell you? Might as well sit under a shower. (Laughs.) Cor blimey. You’ll be all right, won’t you?
Marjorie Be all right with you in any case. Walk no faster than a snail.
Kathleen Not surprised. Don’t want me to escape. That’s my trouble, girl.
Marjorie Here . . . (Sits.)
Jack and Harry slowly pass upstage, taking the air, chatting. Marjorie and Kathleen wait for them to pass.
Kathleen What’ve we got for lunch?
Marjorie Sprouts.
Kathleen (massaging foot) Seen them, have you?
Marjorie Smelled ’em!
Kathleen What’s today, then?
Marjorie Friday.
Kathleen End of week.
Marjorie Corn’ beef hash.
Kathleen That’s Wednesday.
Marjorie Sausage roll.
Kathleen Think you’re right . . . Cor blimey. (Groans, holding her foot.)
Marjorie Know what you ought to do, don’t you?
Kathleen groans, holding her foot.
Marjorie Ask for another pair of shoes, girl, you ask me.
Kathleen Took me laced ones, haven’t they? Only ones that fitted. Thought I’d hang myself, didn’t they? Only five inches long.
Marjorie What they think you are?
Kathleen Bleedin’ mouse, more likely.
Marjorie Here. Not like the last one I was in.
Kathleen No?
Marjorie Let you paint on the walls, they did. Do anyfing. Just muck around . . . Here . . . I won’t tell you what some of them did.
Kathleen What?
Marjorie leans over, whispers.
Kathleen Never.
Marjorie Cross me heart.
Kathleen Glad I wasn’t there. This place is bad enough. You seen Henderson, have you?
Marjorie Ought to lock him up, you ask me.
Kathleen What d’you do, then?
Marjorie Here?
Kathleen At this other place.
Marjorie Noffing. Mucked around . . .
Kathleen Here . . .
Jack and Harry stroll back again, slowly, upstage, in conversation; head back, deep breathing, bracing arms . . . Marjorie and Kathleen wait till they pass.
Marjorie My dentist comes from Pakistan.
Kathleen Yours?
Marjorie Took out all me teeth.
Kathleen Those not your own, then?
Marjorie All went rotten when I had my little girl. There she is, waitress at the seaside.
Kathleen And you stuck here . . .
Marjorie No teeth . . .
Kathleen Don’t appreciate it.
Marjorie They don’t.
Kathleen Never.
Marjorie Might take this down if it doesn’t rain.
Kathleen Cor blimey . . . take these off if I thought I could get ’em on again . . . (Groans.) Tried catching a serious disease.
Marjorie When was that?
Kathleen Only had me in two days. Said, nothing the matter with you, my girl.
Marjorie Don’t believe you.
Kathleen Next thing: got home; smashed everything in sight.
Marjorie No?
Kathleen Winders. Cooker . . . Nearly broke me back . . . Thought I’d save the telly. Still owed eighteen months. Thought: ‘Everything or nothing, girl.’
Marjorie Rotten programmes. (Takes down umbrella.)
Kathleen Didn’t half give it a good old conk.
Marjorie (looking round) There’s one thing. You get a good night’s sleep.
Kathleen Like being with a steam engine, where I come from. Cor blimey, that much whistling and groaning; think you’re going to take off.
Marjorie More like a boa constrictor, ask me. Here . . .
Jack and Harry stroll back, still taking the air, upstage; bracing, head back . . .
Marjorie Started crying everywhere I went . . . Started off on Christmas Eve.
Kathleen ’S happy time, Christmas.
Marjorie Didn’t stop till Boxing Day.
Kathleen If He ever comes again I hope He comes on Whit Tuesday. For me that’s the best time of the year.
Marjorie Why’s that?
Kathleen Dunno. Whit Tuesday’s always been a lucky day for me. First party I ever went to was on a Whit Tuesday. First feller I went with. Can’t be the date. Different every year.
Marjorie My lucky day’s the last Friday in any month with an ‘r’ in it when the next month doesn’t begin later than the following Monday.
Kathleen How do you make that out?
Marjorie Dunno. I was telling the doctor that the other day . . . There’s that man with the binoculars watching you.
Kathleen Where?
Marjorie Lift your dress up.
Kathleen No.
Marjorie Go on . . . (Leans over; does it for her.) Told you . . .
Kathleen Looks like he’s got diarrhoea!
They laugh.
See the chap the other day? Showed his slides of a trip up the Amazon River.
Marjorie See that one with no clothes on? Supposed to be cooking his dinner.
Kathleen Won’t have him here again . . .
Marjorie Showing all his ‘p’s and ‘q’s.
Kathleen Oooooh! (Laughs, covering her mouth.)
Marjorie Here . . .
Jack and Harry stroll back across, a little further downstage, glancing over now at Marjorie and Kathleen.
Kathleen Lord and Lady used to live here at one time.
Marjorie Who’s that?
Kathleen Dunno.
Marjorie Probably still inside, ask me . . . (Glances after Jack and Harry as they stroll off.) See that woman with dyed hair? Told me she’d been in films. ‘What films?’ I said. ‘Blue films?’
Kathleen What she say?
Marjorie ‘The ones I was in was not in colour.’
They laugh.
I s’ll lose me teeth one of these days . . . oooh!
Kathleen Better’n losing something else . . .
Marjorie Oooooh!
They laugh again.
Kathleen Here . . .
Jack and Harry have strolled back on.
Jack (removing hat) Good day, ladies.
Kathleen Good day yourself, your lordships.
Jack Oh, now. I wouldn’t go as far as that. (Laughs politely and looks at Harry.)
Harry No. No. Still a bit of the common touch.
Jack Least, so I’d hope.
Harry Oh, yes.
Marjorie And how have you been keeping, professor?
Jack Professor? I can see we’re a little elevated today.
Marjorie Don’t know about elevated. But we’re sitting down.
Kathleen and Marjorie laugh.
Kathleen Been standing up, we have, for hours.
Harry Hours?
Marjorie When you were sitting down.
Jack Oh dear . . . I wasn’t aware . . .
Kathleen Course you were. My bleedin’ feet. Just look at them. (Holds them again.)
Marjorie Pull your skirt down, girl.
Kathleen Oh Gawd . . .
Jack My friend here, Harry, is a specialist in house-warming, and I myself am a retailer in preserves.
Marjorie Oooooh! (Screeches; laughs – covering her mouth. To Kathleen.) What did I tell you?
Kathleen No atomic bombs today?
Jack (looks up at the sky behind him; then) No, no. Shouldn’t think so.
Marjorie And how’s your mongol sister?
Harry Mongol . . . ? I’m afraid you must have the wrong person, ma’am.
Kathleen Ooooh! (Screeches; laughs.)
Jack My friend, I’m afraid, is separated from his wife. As a consequence, I can assure you, of many hardships . . .
Marjorie Of course . . .
Jack And I myself, though happily married in some respects, would not pretend that my situation is all it should be . . .
Kathleen Ooooh!
Jack One endeavours . . . but it is in the nature of things, I believe, that, on the whole, one fails.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Harry My friend . . . Jack . . . has invented several new methods of retailing jam.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Marjorie Jam. I like that.
Jack Really?
Marjorie (to Kathleen) Strawberry. My favourite.
Kathleen Raspberry, mine.
Marjorie Ooooh!
Kathleen and Marjorie laugh.
Jack A friend of mine, on my father’s side, once owned a small factory which was given over, exclusively, to its manufacture.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Jack In very large vats.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Marjorie I like treacle myself.
Jack Treacle, now, is a very different matter.
Marjorie Comes from Malaya.
Harry That’s rubber, I believe.
Marjorie In tins.
Harry The rubber comes from Malaya, I believe.
Marjorie I eat it, don’t I? I ought to know.
Kathleen She has treacle on her bread.
Jack I believe it comes, as a matter of fact, from the West Indies.
Kathleen West Indies? Where’s that?
Marjorie Near Hong Kong.
Harry That’s the East Indies, I believe.
Marjorie You ever been to the North Indies?
Harry I don’t believe . . .
Marjorie Well, that’s where treacle comes from.
Harry I see . . .
Pause. The tone has suddenly become serious.
Jack We were just remarking, as a matter of fact, that Mrs Glover isn’t looking her usual self.
Kathleen Who’s she?
Harry She’s . . .
Jack The lady with the rather embarrassing disfigurement . . .
Marjorie Her with one ear?
Kathleen The one who’s only half a nose.
Marjorie She snores.
Kathleen You’d snore as well, wouldn’t you, if you only had half a nose.
Marjorie Eaten away.
Kathleen What?
Marjorie Her husband ate it one night when she was sleeping.
Kathleen Silly to fall asleep with any man, I say. These days they get up to anything. Read it in the papers an’ next thing they want to try it themselves.
Harry The weather’s been particularly mild today.
Kathleen Not like my flaming feet. Oooh . . .
Jack As one grows older these little things are sent to try us.
Kathleen Little? Cor blimey; I take size seven.
Harry My word.
Jack My friend, of course, in the heating business, has a wide knowledge of the ways and means whereby we may, as we go along, acquire these little additional comforts.
Marjorie He wishes he was sitting in this chair, doesn’t he?
Harry What . . . ?
Jack It’s extraordinary that more facilities of this nature aren’t supplied, in my view.
Kathleen Only bit of garden with any flowers. Half-a-dozen daisies . . .
Harry Tulips . . .
Jack Roses . . .
Kathleen I know daisies, don’t I? Those are daisies. Grow three feet tall.
Harry Really?
Marjorie Rest of it’s all covered in muck.
Jack Oh, now. Not as bad as that.
Marjorie What? I call that muck. What’s it supposed to be?
Harry A rockery, I believe.
Kathleen Rockery? More like a rubbish tip, ask me.
Jack Probably the flowers haven’t grown yet.
Marjorie Flowers? How do you grow flowers on old bricks and bits of plaster?
Harry Certain categories, of course . . .
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Can be trained to grow in these conditions.
Kathleen You’re round the bend, you are. Ought to have you up there, they did.
Harry (to Jack) They tell me the flowers are just as bad at that end, too.
Harry and Jack laugh at their private joke.
Marjorie If you ask me, all this is just typical.
Jack Typical?
Marjorie One table. Two chairs . . . Between one thousand people.
Kathleen Two, they tell me.
Marjorie Two thousand. One thousand for this chair, and one thousand for that.
Harry There are, of course, the various benches.
Kathleen Benches? Seen better sold for firewood.
Marjorie Make red marks they do across your bum.
Kathleen Ooooh! (Screeches, covering her mouth.)
Harry Clouding slightly.
Jack Slightly. (Looking up.)
Marjorie Pull your skirt down, girl.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Harry Of course, one alternative would be to bring, say, a couple of more chairs out with us.
Jack Oh, yes. Now that would be a solution.
Harry Four chairs. One each. I don’t believe, say, for an afternoon they’d be missed from the lecture hall.
Marjorie Here, you see Up the Amazon last night?
Jack Tuesday . . .
Harry Tuesday.
Jack Believe I did, now you mention it.
Marjorie See that feller with a loincloth?
Kathleen Oooh! (Laughs, covering her mouth.)
Jack I must admit, there are certain attractions in the primitive life.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Jack Air, space . . .
Marjorie Seen all he’s got, that’s all you seen.
Jack I believe there was a moment when the eye . . .
Kathleen Moment . . . Ooooh!
Harry I thought his pancakes looked rather nice.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Harry On the little log . . .
Kathleen Ooooh!
Marjorie Not his pancakes he’s seen, my girl.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Jack The canoe, now, was not unlike my own little boat.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Harry Fishing there somewhat more than a mere pastime.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Life and death.
Jack Oh, yes.
Marjorie Were you the feller they caught climbing out of a window here last week?
Jack Me?
Marjorie Him.
Harry Don’t think so . . . Don’t recollect that.
Jack Where, if you don’t mind me asking, did you acquire that information?
Marjorie Where? (To Kathleen.) Here, I thought you told me it was him.
Kathleen Not me. Mrs Heller.
Marjorie You sure?
Kathleen Not me, anyway.
Jack I had a relative – nephew, as a matter of fact – who started a window-cleaning business . . . let me see. Three years ago now.
Harry Really?
Jack Great scope there for an adventurous man.
Marjorie In bathroom windows ’specially.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Jack Heights . . . distances . . .
Harry On very tall buildings, of course, they lower them from the roof.
Jack Oh, yes.
Harry Don’t have the ladders long enough, you know.
Kathleen Ooooh!
Jack Your friend seems in a very jovial frame of mind.
Harry Like to see that.
Jack Oh, yes. Gloom: one sees it far too much in this place. Mr Metcalf, now: I don’t think he’s spoken to anyone since the day that he arrived.
Marjorie What’s he, then?
Harry He’s the gentleman who’s constantly pacing up and down.
Jack One says hello, of course. He scarcely seems to notice.
Kathleen Hear you were asking if they’d let you out.
Jack Who?
Marjorie Your friend.
Harry Oh. Nothing as dramatic . . . Made certain inquiries . . . Temporary visit . . . Domestic problems, you know. Without a man very little, I’m afraid, gets done.
Marjorie It gets too much done, if you ask me. That’s half the trouble.
Kathleen Oooooh!
Harry However . . . It seems that certain aspects of it can be cleared up by correspondence. One doesn’t wish, after all, to impose unduly . . .
Jack Oh, no.
Harry Events have their own momentum. Take their time.
Marjorie You married to me, they would. I can tell you.
Kathleen Oooooh!
Harry Oh, now . . . Miss . . . er . . .
Marjorie Madam.
Kathleen Oooooh!
Harry Well . . . er . . . that might be a situation that could well be beneficial to us both, in different circumstances, in different places . . .
Jack Quite . . .
Marjorie Listen to him!
Harry We all have our little foibles, our little failings.
Jack Oh, indeed.
Harry Hardly be human without.
Jack Oh, no.
Harry The essence of true friendship, in my view, is to make allowances for one another’s little lapses.
Marjorie Heard all about your little lapses, haven’t we?
Kathleen Ooooooh!
Jack All have our little falls from grace.
Marjorie Pull your skirt down, girl!
Kathleen Ooooooh!
Marjorie Burn down the whole bleedin’ building, he will. Given up smoking because they won’t let him have any matches.
Kathleen Oooh!
Jack The rumours that drift around a place like this . . . Hardly worth the trouble . . .
Harry Absolutely.
Jack If one believed everything one heard . . .
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack I was remarking to my friend earlier this morning: if one can’t enjoy life as it takes one, what’s the point of living it at all? One can’t, after all, spend the whole of one’s life inside a shell.
Harry Oh, no.
Marjorie Know what he’d spend it inside if he had half a chance.
Kathleen Oooooh!
Marjorie Tell my husband of you, I shall.
Kathleen Bus driver.
Jack Really? I’ve taken a lifelong interest in public transport.
Kathleen Oooh!
Marjorie Taken a lifelong interest in something else more ’n likely.
Kathleen Ooooooh!
Marjorie Pull your skirt down, girl!
Kathleen Oooooh!
Marjorie Know his kind.
Kathleen Oooooh!
Jack Respect for the gentler sex, I must say, is a fast-diminishing concept in the modern world.
Harry Oh, yes.
Jack 1 recollect the time when one stood for a lady as a matter of course.
Harry Oh yes.
Marjorie Know the kind of standing he’s on about.
Kathleen Oooooh!
Jack Each becomes hardened to his ways.
Kathleen Ooooooh!
Jack No regard for anyone else’s.
Marjorie Be missing your dinner, you will.
Jack Yes. So it seems.
Harry Late . . .
Jack Nevertheless, one breaks occasionally one’s usual . . . Normally it’s of benefit to all concerned . . .
Marjorie Here. Are you all right?
Jack Slight moment of discomposure . . .
Jack has begun to cry, vaguely. Takes out a handkerchief to wipe his eyes.
Harry My friend is a man – he won’t mind me saying this . . .
Jack No . . . No . . .
Harry Of great sensibility and feeling.
Kathleen Here. You having us on?
Jack I assure you, madam . . . I regret any anxiety or concern which I may, unwittingly, have caused. In fact – I’m sure my friend will concur – perhaps you’ll allow us to accompany you to the dining hall. I have noticed, in the past, that though one has to queue, to leave it any later is to run the risk of being served with a cold plate; the food cold, and the manners of the cook – at times, I must confess . . . appalling.
Kathleen (to Marjorie) We’ll have to go. There’ll be nothing left.
Marjorie It’s this seat he’s after.
Harry I assure you, madam . . . we are on our way.
Kathleen Here: you mind if I lean on your arm?
Marjorie Kathleen!
Harry Oh, now. That’s a very pretty name.
Kathleen Got straps: make your ankles swell. (Rising.)
Harry Allow me.
Kathleen Oh. Thank you.
Harry Harry.
Kathleen Harry.
Harry And this is my friend – Jack.
Kathleen Jack . . . And this is my friend Marjorie.
Jack Marjorie . . . Delightful.
Marjorie (to Kathleen) Here. You all right?
Kathleen You carrying it with you, or are you coming?
Jack Allow me . . .
Marjorie holds her seat.
Marjorie Here . . . (Gets up, suspicious.)
Harry Perhaps after lunch we might meet here again.
Jack A little chat . . . Time passes very slowly.
Marjorie Here, where’s my bag?
Kathleen Need carrying out, I will.
Harry has taken Kathleen’s arm.
Harry Now then. All right?
Kathleen Have you all the time, I shall.
Harry Ready? . . . All aboard then, are we?
Marjorie Well, then. All right . . . (Takes Jack’s arm.)
Jack Right, then . . . Dining hall: here we come!
They start off, Harry and Kathleen in front; slowly.
Harry Sausages today, if I’m not mistaken.
Kathleen Oooh!
Marjorie Corned beef hash.
Kathleen Oooh!
Jack One as good as another, I always say.
Kathleen Oooooh!
Harry Turned out better.
Jack Turned out better.
Harry Altogether.
Jack Altogether.
Harry Well, then. Here we go.
They go.
Fade.