chapter 68

In Which Alfonso Finds a New Line of Work

A very large ball of white toilet paper netting, black fur, and sticky peanut butter stood before them. Each of the 3,486 squirrels was squeaking indignantly. Ralph pulled himself through a mess of squirrels to the front of the crazy net. He chirped unhappily.

“Ah, ah, I see!” said Alfonso.

“What he’s saying?” Jackson asked. He held his jar of peanut butter behind his back.

“Shhh!” Zuzu hissed.

“Yes, I’m sure you’re uncomfortable,” Alfonso was saying, “but that’s all part of the game.” Ralph waved his paws around and the other squirrels kept on chattering.

“Of course, I’ll help you out. You do understand that the net was all part of the game? No? Ah. That’s how humans play, you see. No harm, no foul.” Alfonso reached out and snipped apart the toilet paper net. Slowly but stickily, 3,486 squirrels disentangled themselves from the mess. They all lined up behind Ralph.

“So, who was the one to find the peanut butter?” Jackson asked. He was feeling a bit braver now.

Ralph squeaked and barked. Alfonso nodded.

“Er … slight mishap. Better let them all win,” Alfonso whispered.

Jackson looked down uncertainly. “Are three jars of peanut butter enough?” he asked.

Zuzu nodded firmly. “I only give out one jar a month.”

Jackson held out his jar, then Ralph and Zuzu handed over the other two jars. “Thank you for playing! We’ll do it again soon!” Ralph chirped, and all 3,485 squirrels followed him as he left.

Zuzu shut the door and leaned back against it. “All right, what just happened?” Jackson asked. And then he saw that Alfonso and Zuzu were clutching their bellies and laughing until the tears streamed down their cheeks.

“We tricked them again!” cried Alfonso. “Squirrels are not the brightest creatures, are they?”

Zuzu giggled. She grabbed Alfonso’s hand and pulled him into the kitchen. “Tell me what happened to you! Where did you go? Where have you been? I thought you were dead!”

Alfonso sat down on one of the kitchen chairs and pulled Zuzu down onto his lap. “I’m not letting go of you anymore!” he laughed.

And they had a long discussion. A discussion which would take far too many pages to include and would be too daunting to read. (Daunting means discouraging, like when you’re faced with a bloodthirsty dragon and all you have to defend yourself with is a spoon.) Alfonso told Zuzu how he enjoyed his job so much that he would forget to come home. Soon he forgot who he was and where he was from, until Jackson helped him find his way home. Zuzu told Alfonso how she had tried looking for him a few times, but she was too afraid of the squirrels to venture far from the house. And so she had stayed at home to cook and clean and wait. And, of course, she gave the squirrels a jar of peanut butter every month so they would leave her alone while she went out to get groceries and garden.

“So now what, Alfonso?” Jackson asked.

“Well, I definitely need a new job. Maybe something that doesn’t involve rag-tying?” Alfonso laughed.

“Are you any good at repairing other things?” Jackson asked.

“Oh, he’s the best!” Zuzu cried, squeezing her husband’s hand.

“You know … I met a chicken, er … Miss Flaversham. She might need help maintaining and repairing forts. But she’s not underground. She lives up in the branches. Would you mind moving?”

Zuzu’s eyes danced with delight. “Really, truly? We can move out of this hole and live in the sky!”

“I’m never letting you go, ever again!” Alfonso said to her. Zuzu kissed his nose.

“By the way,” said Jackson, “do you guys know how to get out of here?”

“Get out of where? The tree?” Alfonso shrugged. “I haven’t been anywhere.”

Zuzu shook her head. “No idea.”

Jackson nodded. He’d find his own way out. Somehow.