January 13

Martin, I think I’m losing it.

I’ve avoided writing to you about this because it really doesn’t have any bearing on the Be Like Martin experiment. Then again, I guess it could be considered a failed attempt at “romantic integration” or something…Anyway, after the dream I just had—which I definitely won’t put in here because it’s not appropriate—I gotta get some stuff off my chest.

So SJ and I won our division of the state debate tournament. When we returned backstage after receiving our medals, everything felt different. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way we were hugging just before they announced all the winners, so when she turned to face me looking all beautiful, I knew that was it. No more resisting.

We’re standing there grinning at each other, so I looked at her lips and leaned in for the kill…

AND SHE TURNED AWAY! Just straight-up rotated 180 degrees and started walking in the opposite direction! “You see Doc anywhere?” she said over her shoulder.

That girl KNEW I was about to kiss her, Martin!

She avoided me for the rest of the night, and then wouldn’t talk to me on the ride back to school in her car Sunday morning. Just cranked up the music like I wasn’t even there.

THEN, when we got to the dorms, and I reached for the car door handle, she goes, “So congrats again on winning the tournament.” (Like she didn’t just win it with me?) “Working with you has been a real pleasure, and I know you’ll do great at Yale. See you around, Justyce!”

It took me a minute to get the hint and exit because I was trying to figure out the identity of this alien cyborg and what the hell it did with my debate partner/good friend/girl-I-really-wanted-to-kiss named SJ.

As soon as I grabbed my stuff and shut the door, she drove off. Just like that.

I was ready to go against my mama for this girl, Martin!

I don’t know what happened. I thought things were going well! I swear since Manny called me out for not being like you, SJ and I have been tighter than ever. The chemistry was off the charts…I know I didn’t read the signals wrong, did I?

I have no idea what to do now. I can’t eat. Can barely sleep. Can’t stay focused…Everywhere I turn, there’s a reminder of this girl. Can’t pass a brunette without doing a double take. Manny’s been on this Carrie Underwood kick, which is what SJ liked to play in the background when we were working on debate stuff at her house. I even went to sleep at home last night thinking being around my mama would help, but when I got there, she was watchin’ Judge Judy! (SJ swears she and Judge Judy are related.)

I guess I should let it go, right? I can’t force her to talk to me if she doesn’t want to…

It makes me feel wack as hell, but in my mind I keep seeing the shrinking taillights of her car as she drove away.

Whatever. I give up.

Gonna try to sleep again now.

—J