49 49I’VE ONLY BEEN AWARE OF THE TERM “SELF-COMPASSION” for a fraction of the fortysomething years that I’ve been alive. I sure wish I’d learned about it sooner, because I have a history of being quite unkind to myself. Do you have an inner voice that’s overly critical, too?
We teach our children to say nice things (or not to say anything at all), and we must teach this to our inner voice, too. We need to have reasonable expectations for ourselves, so we don’t set ourselves up for failure. We shouldn’t beat ourselves up when things don’t go the way we planned; we should pat ourselves on the back when things are going well—and even when they’re not. If we were all kinder to ourselves, I think we’d all suffer a lot less, and there would be less need for so many people to be medicated for anxiety and depression.
I know from personal experience that when your inner monologue regularly engages in overwhelmingly negative banter, this eats away at your self-esteem and keeps you from being truly happy and healthy. Banishing negative self-talk isn’t something that can be accomplished in one day, though; it can take time. Here are some steps to take that have worked for me: Surround yourself with encouraging, supportive friends; recite positive affirmations every day (don’t knock it until you try it!); learn how to be in the moment; make a conscious effort to choose optimism over pessimism; and practice gratitude (more on this in the next chapter). Like I said, this all takes time. It is a process.
Being kind to yourself means not judging yourself harshly for not being perfect. It means not holding yourself to impossibly high standards. It means putting an end to comparing yourself to others and to beating yourself up for making a mistake, or for not being good enough at something.
Being kind to yourself means being your own cheerleader. When you are consistently kind to yourself, you don’t need others to validate your efforts and boost your self-confidence, because you can do those things for yourself.
Let’s be clear that being kind to yourself does not mean you give yourself permission to spend the day on the couch eating bonbons. Quite the contrary. Being kind to yourself means respecting your body, so that you take excellent care of yourself. Being kind to yourself means you are more likely to eat healthy food, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. When you are kind to yourself, you’ll feel better mentally and physically. You’ll be more likely to excel at all that you do, and you’ll be better able to take good care of others.