30
Jon hadn’t moved since Carlie had insisted that he sit down next to her on the couch. He held her hands in his and gave her his undivided attention.
All through dinner something was bothering her—something unrelated to what she had discovered in Edith’s journals. He was about to ask her what was wrong when Carlie began talking first. “Jon, there’s something I need to tell you. I should have told you a long time ago, but I guess I was afraid of what you would think of me—that you wouldn’t love me anymore.”
Jon didn’t have a response, so he waited quietly for Carlie to continue.
“I was fifteen when it happened,” Carlie began. “There had been a pep rally after school, and it lasted a little longer than they had originally planned. By the time it was over, the sun had set and it was getting dark. My friend Julie and her stepfather offered me a ride home. I didn’t think anything of it; they had given me a ride home from school dozens of times over the years, so I accepted. I also didn’t think anything of it when Julie suggested that he drop her off at home first. He told us that he had to go back to his office, and my home was on the way. I could have called my dad and had him come pick me up from their house, but it all sounded so rational. It all seemed so normal at the time; I can’t believe how naïve I was.
“You know, I can still see him staring at my legs on the ride to their house, but I never gave it a second thought. The boys in class stared at our legs all the time. That’s why we rolled up our skirts—it was a game. The girls would dare each other to see who would roll up their skirt the shortest—who would be daring enough, or foolish enough, to give a glimpse of panty and not get caught by the nuns.”
Taking a breath, Carlie let out a long sigh. “To make a long story short, he took me to a remote area and parked the car. I know this will make you uncomfortable. I wasn’t scared at all by what he did. Actually, I was even a little excited and flattered. He was much younger than Julie’s real father and extremely good-looking.”
She could tell by the look of confusion on Jon’s face that he was about to ask her what on earth she possibly could have been thinking.
“Don’t judge me, Jon; just try to understand. I didn’t know anything about sex back then. A lifetime of Catholic school had ingrained in me that even kissing out of wedlock was a mortal sin. We did a lot of kissing back then—kissing was Catholic girls’ sex.
“I considered the possibility that Julie’s dad would try to kiss me, and I even considered what it would be like to have him kiss me. I didn’t have any idea what he really wanted.
“Believe me, when I did find out, I did everything in my power to stop him. The whole thing lasted less than a minute. I truly believed at the time that he had quit because I wanted him to and not because he had actually finished. He drove me home afterward and begged me not to mention to anyone what we had done.
“He made it sound as if it were my idea too. It made me feel guilty and dirty. He convinced me that I had actually asked for it.
“I never told anyone—until I found out that I was pregnant. The first person I told was Julie. I told her everything that had happened, everything her stepfather had done. She already knew. I found out that she and her stepdad had been having sex for years.
“When I finally told my parents I was pregnant, I told them that it was by a boy who had moved overseas. I couldn’t have Julie’s dad sitting on the couch across from my parents telling them how much I had asked him for it. So I lied to them.
“You have to understand, Jon, that I had a very strict Catholic upbringing. Abortion was completely out of the question, under any circumstances. In all of my parents’ discussions of what they should do with their wayward daughter, having an abortion never came up.
“My parents went through the normal stages of grief at what they had lost. After their grieving period was over, they packed me up and moved me out here to live with Aunt Grace and Uncle William.
“Don’t get me wrong—I loved being out here on the farm. I really loved Aunt Grace; she was a very special woman. She was the one who arranged the adoption of my baby through Catholic Charities. My parents literally dropped me in her lap with all my belongings and told her to deal with the situation.”
The look of disgust on Jon’s face told Carlie that by the way she had phrased what she had said, he was getting the wrong impression.
“It wasn’t like that, Jon. It was all Grace’s idea—that I come live with them, that I have the baby here, and that Catholic Charities handle the adoption. She was a rock; my parents were worthless. Please don’t think less of them; it really wasn’t their fault. They just had no preparation in life for handling something of this magnitude. It was so much different back then than it is now.”
Carlie waited and watched Jon’s reaction. When he finally nodded in acceptance, she continued.
“I had a wonderful life out here. I really did.
“I was in my ninth month when something horrible happened. I tripped on the rug at the top of the stairs and fell all the way to the bottom landing. Other than a huge knot on the back of my head, I didn’t believe anything was wrong, but Aunt Grace insisted that I go to the hospital so I could get checked anyway.
“I started spotting on the way to the hospital. By the time we got there, I was hemorrhaging. They rushed me into emergency surgery and delivered the baby by Caesarian section.
“My baby lived just eighteen hours. I never found out why she died, but I grieved her passing. Even though I knew I wasn’t going to keep her, a mother automatically bonds with a child that is growing inside her body.
“We had refrained from picking out names for her or him. We never even considered what sex the baby might be until after she was born. However, once I did know, it made it that much worse. I really grieved hard over my loss.
“When the baby died, they called Uncle William to come and pick her up. I was still recuperating, and Aunt Grace stayed by my bedside day and night.
“Uncle William was a gentle soul but not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He had no idea what to do with the baby when they gave her to him. We had never even considered what to do if she didn’t survive, so there were never any arrangements made for a funeral. Uncle William was afraid to ask Grace what to do, so he handled her burial himself. He built her a tiny coffin and buried her in the most beautiful part of their garden. He bought a small plain granite stone, had it polished, and marked her grave with it. He didn’t know what to have written on it, so he just left it as it was.
“I was in the hospital for a week. On the day they discharged me, the doctor came into my room and told the three of us that the fall had caused an irreparable rupture in my uterus and I’d never be able to have children. I think that was when Uncle William decided never to mention what he had done with the baby. Aunt Grace finally told me on the day of his funeral. It’s funny how you just never think of things like that. I just assumed that the baby’s burial had happened by the grace of God.
“I stayed with Grace and William for well over another year. After the baby died, I didn’t have anywhere to go, so I stayed with them until I received acceptance into a university. They paid for my tuition, room and board, even my books. I didn’t talk to my parents again until the day I received my letter of acceptance into law school. That was their plan for me before I got pregnant. They chose that life for me, and they believed they had lost it forever. I felt I owed them that.
“I know you won’t understand this, and I can’t really explain it in a way so you will, but I somehow managed to block the memory of the baby from my mind for over twenty years—that is, until I finally returned to this house. I’m positive that my baby was the reason I was so adamant about moving back here. She will always be a part of this house, and because of her, this house will always be a part of me.
“Jon, this is the only home my baby has ever known!”