Mama, do you have it? Do you have the letter with the address?” Colm shouted from the backseat as the Los Angeles skyline came into view.
“Yes, Colm, I have it. I have it right here. When we get to the hotel, we’ll put it in Dr. Basu’s GPS.”
“Can’t we just go? Why don’t we just go there first?”
“No! Colm! We talked about this. We all need to rest, shower, and clean up. I am not going to pull up to the doorstep of your father’s house, my ex’s, dressed like this . . . looking like this. I haven’t seen him in years.”
“So? Who cares?”
“I care, Colm. I care. That’s enough,” Cathleen said.
“Hey, Colm, just drop it, OK,” Sean added. “Leave your poor mother alone. She came all this way for you. Your mom wants to look nice and get herself together. Let’s just enjoy the evening, OK? Speaking of which, what’s on the agenda, Gaspar?”
“No agenda. I booked us rooms on the beach in Santa Monica. I thought we could see the ocean and spend the evening relaxing.”
“Santa Monica? Isn’t that St. Augustine’s mother?” Sean asked Cathleen.
“Yes. She prayed for her son’s conversion,” Cathleen answered flatly.
Colm did not understand what his mother meant.
“Where is Santa Monica, Dr. Basu?” Colm asked anxiously. “Is it far from L.A.? Will it take forever to get there?”
“No, Dove. We’ll be there soon. We made it across the United States in six days, we can get to the Loews at Santa Monica soon enough.”
When they finally arrived in front of the hotel, Cathleen looked at the entrance and swore. “You have got to be kidding me, Gaspar?”
“Excuse me?” Gaspar asked.
“Look at this place! What are you thinking? We can’t afford this,” Cathleen said, shaking her head back and forth.
“I wanted to do something special. It’s my gift to you. You deserve it, Cathleen.”
Sean shook his head. Dr. Basu was trying so hard to impress her, and all he had to do was show up. This was his sister, Cathleen, Dr. Basu was dealing with. She hadn’t been on a date in more than seven years, let alone received a child support check, and she still carried a torch for the deadbeat, he thought. Dr. Basu looked like a goddamn hero in comparison. He didn’t need to do any of this, he thought.
“Gaspar, you’re doing way too much,” Sean said. “Take it easy. You don’t have to impress her anymore; she’s crazy about you.”
“It’s okay, Sean. I’m happy to do it—for all of you.”
Cathleen could not believe her eyes. It was one of the most beautiful hotels she had ever seen. Dr. Basu took her bag and let her walk through the giant glass atrium lined with palm trees that reached up to the sky like giant cathedral arches framing the view of the Pacific. Cathleen walked through them with her head held high—the way Dr. Basu remembered her in Italy. Together they went through the atrium doors and walked out toward the beach. The palm trees spread out over the sand, and the Pacific Ocean crashed loudly along the shore. Colm looked down the beach and could see the Santa Monica Pier—the Ferris wheel, the bright lights twinkling in the distance.
Sean looked at Dr. Basu and nodded in appreciation. “Ya done real good, Doc.”
Cathleen stood speechless. She felt the warm breeze against her cheeks, the wind in her hair. She could not help but think of it, even though she was here with Gaspar and she had come to love him, she could not help but remember the night with Pierce at the shore, the night they had walked together along the beach. She closed her eyes, trying to remember it all—his auburn boy-cut hair, his deep blue eyes, and fair skin that was burnt red by the summer sun.
“Pierce?”
“Yes, babe.”
“I have something to tell you.”
“What?”
“I am going to have a baby.”
She could not see his face. He was walking in front of her, and he didn’t stop. She should have known then. She was never able to do it—just let go and be. She wished she had had the strength then to turn around, to forget him right then and there—to have been the one to leave him first. But she chased after him, pulling on his arm.
“Well, what do you think, Pierce?”
“I guess what I think doesn’t matter a whole lot now, does it?” He pulled his arm from hers and walked quickly away.
Cathleen felt her heart plummet, diving and lodging itself deep within her womb, her broken heart taking up residence in her growing son. She would forever feel guilty. Forever blame herself.
“You’ll make a wonderful father,” Cathleen called out. “You can teach him how to play the guitar and sing. You would be so wonderful! I just know it!” She chased after him.
“I’ll be home later. Don’t wait up for me.”
“You’re leaving me here? Alone? Pierce, come back!”
“Here’s a few dollars for the train.” He threw money at her feet.
“Are you kidding me? That’s it? A few dollars for the train? You bastard. You bastard!”
“Oh, stop with the melodrama, Cate. I’m going for a drink. Go home, and I’ll meet you later. We’ll figure this out.”
“So we’ll figure it out. That means you’re not going to leave? You’re in this for the long haul?”
“I’ll see you at home, Cate.” Pierce looked at her flushed face with tears rolling down her cheeks, and he walked away, leaving her alone on the beach staring out into the blank and lonely sky.
“Mama? Mama? Mama? Is everything OK? Why are you crying? Mama?” Colm called out to Cathleen and brought her back to reality.
“Yes, Colm, what is it?” she said, walking toward him.
“Is everything all right? Aren’t you happy?”
“This place is just so beautiful. The ocean, everything, all that we saw on our way out here. It’s just overwhelming. All the beauty around us. That’s all.”
“Mama?”
“Yes, Bud.”
“You look beautiful. I just thought you should know. No matter what you wear, Dad is going to love you. He’s going to know how beautiful you are. I just thought you should know that.”
“Oh, Colm. Thank you. Come here.”
Colm came to her, and she held him. She took his face and looked him deep in the eyes. “I am so proud of you. You’ve never been afraid. Most children could not have done what you’ve done and be so brave. I need you to know that you can’t break my heart. That it won’t hurt me, if you need to go . . . be somewhere else, with someone else.”
“Mama, I’ll always be with you. I just need to know . . . find out who my father is. I’ve always wanted to know him. I’ve just been missing him so much.”
“I know, babe. I know. I missed my father when I was a little girl, too.”
Colm looked at her and remembered his mother had had no father either. He had never made the connection that perhaps she had missed her father too, just as he did.
“What was it like for you, Mama?”
“I missed him. I imagined he was everywhere, looking at me and talking to me. He was a good friend to me when I was little. But sometimes I was angry with him because he wasn’t there for me. Sometimes I was angry at God for taking him from me.”
“Mama, I feel the same way. Except for the God part. God doesn’t have anything to do with it for me. But I’m like you, sometimes I pretend he’s right here with us, but then sometimes I get mad ’cause he’s not. He should be taking care of us.”
“Oh, baby. I know it’s so hard. I wish I could make it better.”
“So you never got to see him again? You never got to see your father again? Didn’t that make you sad?”
“I guess it always helped me to know that someday I’d see him again. Someday, maybe up in heaven, we would be together. I still believe that. I believe that when I die I’ll get to see my mama and my father. It comforts me.”
“I’m glad you think that, Mama. I want you to be able to meet your father too, like I’m going to meet mine tomorrow.”
Cathleen closed her eyes and wished for her son to get his wish. She prayed deeply with her entire body: Please God, please let Colm have this one wish. This one miracle.
“I know, honey. I know. It is very exciting. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see you. You know you look just like him?”
“I do, Mama?”
“Exactly. Every time I look at you . . . I see him. I see your father.”
“Wow. Do you have a picture of him?”
“No, not with me. I’m sorry. When we go back to New York, I’ll look for one.”
“But I won’t need one, Mama. I’ll see him tomorrow and we can take a new picture together—of all of us.”
“Won’t that be nice?” Cathleen said, hoping that they would be able to.
“Mama, everything is going to be OK.”
“It will be. And whatever happens tomorrow, I need you not to worry about me. I know you do, and I want you to know that I have your crazy uncle and Gaspar. I don’t want you thinking you have to take care of me anymore.”
“I know, Mama,” Colm said, surprised that his mother knew. Colm hugged his mother. He held her close, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I love you, Mama.”
“I love you, Colm Francis Magee.”
The two took off their shoes, and, holding hands, walked to the shore and let the water cover their feet, washing away all of the steps they took that led them to this place.
Dr. Basu and Sean stood back and watched mother and son admire the sunset, with their feet firmly planted in ground that was slowly ebbing away from them.