For an elderly lady, the Queen was an exceedingly fast driver. In no time, the police car had screeched to a halt outside the gates of Buckingham Palace.
SCREECH!
One of the Queen’s Guard tapped on the window, and asked, “Please could I see your pass?”
“This is one’s pass!” replied the Queen, pointing to her face.
“Your Majesty ! ” he said, bowing. “Forgive me! I didn’t recognise you!”
“Forgiven!”
“There was a great deal of concern as to your whereabouts.”
“Oh, was there?”
“I will alert the police to call off the search, as you are home safe and sound.”
“Please do.”
“Yes, we were expecting you back here hours ago.”
“There is a simple explanation for that,” replied the Queen.
“Oh yes, ma’am?”
“One stopped off for a kebab!”
The guard was shocked. “A k-k-kebab, ma’am?” he spluttered.
“Yes. A doner kebab. It was absolutely scrumdiddlyumptious.”
“Very good. And may I ask why you are dressed as a lobster, ma’am?”
“One was trying to go incognito! OPEN THE GATES!”
The gates opened and the car sped into the courtyard.
“Wow! It’s cool being the Queen!” remarked Ben.
“It can be. Sometimes,” she replied.
“How do I apply?” asked Raj.
The Queen smiled and pulled up outside the main entrance to Buckingham Palace.
It was now the early hours of the morning, and except for the soldiers on guard duty there was no one else about. Just as well, as it would be difficult to explain why the Queen had arrived home from the Royal Albert Hall so late, dressed as a lobster, driving a police car.
“Quick! Let’s grab the loot and get out of here!” she hissed.
“Can we have a full guided tour?” asked Raj.
“Not tonight!” snapped the Queen.
She led the pair inside one of the most famous buildings in the world. Three centuries old, the palace had been home to the British royal family since Queen Victoria ascended the throne in 1837. It was magnificent on the inside, just as you might expect it to be.
“I thought it would be posh,” said Ben, his eyes wide with amazement, “but I never thought it would be this posh. This is posher than posh. This is poshtastic!”*
“Thank you kindly!”
“Must take you forever to hoover, though,” observed Raj.
“Shush! One doesn’t want to wake anyone up!”
The three tiptoed along the long corridors, up the sweeping staircase and into the Queen’s bedroom. It was fit for a Queen, which was just as well.
The room looked unchanged for decades. There was a dressing table with an antique leather jewellery box on top. Neatly arranged on shelves were old black-and-white photographs in highly polished silver frames. However, the room was dominated by an elegant wooden four-poster bed, furnished with a cream silk bedcover.
On her bed Ben counted not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven corgis!
They were snoring and trumping away as sleeping dogs do.
ZZZZ! ZZZZ! ZZZZ!
PFFT! PFFT! PFFT!
“Don’t wake the dogs!” whispered the Queen.
Raj and Ben stayed silent and nodded in agreement.
“They’ll bark the palace down!”
The Queen shut and locked her door before pointing under the bed, where she’d hidden both the mask of Tutankhamun and the World Cup. This was going to be one tricky manoeuvre: how to get the stolen treasure out from under the bed without waking seven sleeping corgis!
It sounded like a board game or a ride at a theme park.
But it wasn’t.
Well, not yet.
The Queen moved slowly as she sank to her knees, gesturing for the other two to follow her lead. Then she lifted the silk bedcover.
Glistening in the dark were two of the most valuable objects in the world. Ben and Raj reached their hands under the bed, and pulled out the World Cup. They laid it down gently on the silk rug on the floor.
The Queen smiled and nodded.
Next was the trickier part. The mask of Tutankhamun was much heavier, and it needed all three of them to drag it out from under the bed. Taking it slowly, they just managed to place it on the silk rug without a sound.
Then they stood up and took a breath.
PFFT!
Ben and Raj were startled at the sound. The Queen shook her head. This was nothing to worry about – just another corgi bottom banger. Then her eyes began to water. This was a particularly STINKODOROUS* one!
Ben and Raj looked at each other in horror. This one was DEADLY! They thought they might choke. Or pass out. Or both.
Now there was an urgent need to get these treasures out of the Queen’s bedroom as fast as they possibly could.
The Queen lifted the World Cup by herself and gestured for Raj and Ben to carry the solid gold mask between them. However, when Raj bent down to pick it up, there was that sound again.
PFFT!
Raj’s cheeks went red. The Queen looked at him in disgust. This wasn’t a corgi bottom banger! This was a Raj bottom banger!
It was so loud that it woke all seven corgis up at once.
“YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!”
They barked and barked and barked.
“How come they can sleep through their own bottom whoopsies, but not one of mine!” exclaimed Raj.
“SHUSH! SHUSH! SHUSH!” shushed Ben, trying his best to calm them all down. But the more he tried the more they barked.
“YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!”
Now the dogs had sunk their teeth into the bottom of Raj’s pyjamas and were yanking away.
CHOMP!
“They are going to wake up the whole of London!” exclaimed the Queen. “One needs to get out of here! And fast!”
Ben and Raj picked up the mask and headed for the door, corgis trailing in their wake.
“YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!”
Just as they reached it, there was a loud banging from the other side.
THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!
“Excuse me, Your Majesty!” came a posh voice. “It is Butler the butler here. Is everything in order?”
“Yes, thank you, Butler!” called the Queen.
“We were most concerned about you. There was chaos at the Royal Albert Hall and there was great confusion as to your whereabouts.”
‘Well, one is home now! Thank you!”
“I am relieved, but it is most unlike you to be so late.”
“One stopped off for a kebab!”
“Very good, ma’am. May I come in, ma’am? I was sure I could hear voices a moment ago!”
“Not this way – we have to find another way out!” hissed the Queen.
“Pardon me, ma’am! I didn’t quite catch that!” called Butler.
“Nothing, Butler!”
“Is that his name or his job?” asked Ben.
“Yes, his name is Butler, and his job is butler. It’s frightfully easy to remember!”
“YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!”
“Something isn’t right, ma’am!” said Butler the butler. “Forgive me, but I can tell by the tone of your voice. Please open the door at once!”
From the other side, he rattled the door handle and thudded his shoulder against the door.
The Queen looked lost for words, so Raj leaped in, affecting her voice.
“Everything is fine and tickety-boo, Butler the butler the butler!” he called out.
He sounded ridiculous!
Just then another of the corgis took a dislike to this intruder.
“GRRR!”
It launched itself at Raj and bit him on the bum.
CHOMP!
“OWEE!” cried Raj, suddenly going back into his own voice. “MY BOTTOM!”
“SHUSH!” shushed Ben.
But it was no use.
“MY BOTTOM IS BEING EATEN ALIVE!”
“I am off to sound the alarm, ma’am!” cried Butler. “I will be back with the soldiers in moments!”
His footsteps echoed away down the corridor outside.
“Let’s make a run for it!” hissed the Queen.
She unlocked her bedroom door, and the three rushed out, carrying the treasure, with the seven corgis pursuing them all the way.
“YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!”
“Shush!” shushed the Queen, but to no avail. They just kept yapping at the two strangers, and who can blame them? They did look like robbers making off with stolen loot. The problem was that the dogs were so noisy. They were going to alert the soldiers as to exactly where the three were in the palace.
Up ahead, perched on a chandelier, was a black cat .
Could it be THE black cat?
“Ma’am, do you have a cat?” asked Ben.
“No! Of course one does not have a cat. One’s dogs would chase it day and night.”
“Then whose cat is that, swinging from the chandelier?”
“How did it get in here?” cried the Queen.
As they approached, the cat miaowed loudly at the dogs to get their attention.
This stopped the seven dogs in their tracks, and instantly they fell silent. A cat was so much better to chomp on than someone’s pyjama bottoms.
Then – “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” “YAP!” – they barked again, even louder than before.
The cat dangled down from the chandelier by its tail, then let out the fiercest hiss: “HISS!”
The corgis all whimpered: “HHHMMM!” Then they scrambled away with their tails between their legs. Literally.
“Thank you!” called Ben to the cat.
“One is not convinced the cat can understand you,” remarked the Queen.
“Oh, I think she can!” he replied.
The Queen looked confused, but Ben wasn’t sharing his secret with her. The black cat had protected him so many times since Granny had gone, just like Granny had in life. Perhaps the spirit of Granny was with the cat somehow?
* A real word you will find in your Walliamsictionary that means very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very posh.
* A real word created by the renowned author David Walliams, collected in his own special made-up dictionary, the Walliamsictionary. Available at all bad bookshops.