CHAPTER 1

The Golden Child and Aspect

Taylor Helzer’s father, Gerry, was a devout Mormon and an insurance salesman. In time, he would also become an expert white-water raft guide and operator. Taylor’s mother, Carma, was also a devout Mormon, housewife and sometimes physical therapist. They led a typical, middle-class Mormon life of church, family and responsible living. The family moved often through various states, which included Texas and Georgia. The family eventually settled down in the small town of Pacheco, California, about thirty miles from San Francisco, in Contra Costa County. Contra Costa was a mix of rolling hills, vibrant cities and industrial complexes. It was a place where intrepid mountain man Joseph Walker decided to settle down, as well as world-famous naturalist John Muir. His home in Martinez became a magnet for the environmental movement, as well as a splendid working farm and orchard.

Glenn Taylor Helzer was born on July 26, 1970, and from the beginning, he was the beloved son in the Helzer household. Taylor was bright, charming and good-looking, and it seemed that life for everyone began to revolve around him. Even from an early age, he could quote scripture from the Book of Mormon with great presence of mind and a gift for memorization. One of the local bishops of the church predicted great things for Taylor.

Even though his first name was Glenn, it wasn’t long before almost everyone began calling him Taylor. One of his cousins, Charney Hoffman, had many things to say about Taylor in the years to come. Of Taylor’s youth, Hoffman said, “We lived with them for some time when I was young in Georgia. As we got a little bit older, we continued to meet. I stayed in touch with Taylor. I absolutely loved him. He was very influential in my life and lots of other people’s lives. He was never, never judgmental toward my family, though my family is definitely not an example of how the Latter-Day Saints church would like people to live.

“Taylor was very accepting, regardless of the fact that’s not always the case with people who are very religious. But Taylor always sought to foster a lot of love and understanding in all of his relationships.

“I remember going to Marriott’s Great America and somebody said something to make me think they were stupid. I remember being sarcastic to that person. And Taylor stopped me. He had insight to know that I was being cruel to somebody else because somebody had been cruel to me. He said, ‘Wait a second, do you understand that you probably hurt that person’s feelings? ’

“Taylor was always the light in a group. You were always having fun as long as Taylor was there because he brought people together.”

Justin Helzer was born on February 12, 1972, and became the middle child after a daughter, Heather, was born to the Helzers. Justin was shy and polite. He seemed awkward compared to his dynamic and charismatic brother, Taylor. Justin was forever in Taylor’s shadow, even at an early age. Whereas Taylor seemed to have countless friends in school, both male and female, Justin had almost none. He was painfully shy around girls and tried not to stick out in class. This became somewhat difficult as he grew in height, towering over his classmates by the time he was in junior high school.

When the Helzer children were teenagers, they went to live for awhile with their grandfather, Doyle Sorenson, who was Carma’s father. Doyle was very religious and some thought him to be on the fringes of the Mormon faith.

On one occasion, Doyle claimed that he had seen Jesus Christ in his front yard. It wasn’t just a vision, he said. Jesus was there in the flesh, and Doyle went outside to talk with him. The vision was not of a short duration—Doyle later claimed that Jesus was there for hours. Taylor was very taken with his grandfather Doyle. He admired his piety and spirituality.

Taylor had problems living up to these ideals, however. He felt guilty after sinning, especially if he masturbated. Consumed with guilt, he tried committing suicide at one point. Years later, a psychiatrist, Dr. Douglas Tucker, said, “Taylor as early as fourteen was experiencing ideas that were unusual and inappropriate. He was receiving inaudible messages by the age of fourteen. Taylor was told he had the gift of revelation, but he didn’t know if the messages he was receiving were from God or Satan.”

In Concord, California, in 1985, a girl named Ann met Taylor Helzer at Ygnacio Valley High School. Even though Taylor didn’t play sports and wasn’t involved in student government, Ann realized that almost everyone at Ygnacio Valley High knew Taylor. He was dynamic and personable. “There was something charismatic about him,” she said later. “You noticed him.” For a time after high school, Ann and Taylor went their separate ways, but she would not forget the charismatic young man.

By contrast, Justin ghosted through his high school years. He was pleasant and amiable, but had none of Taylor’s flair for self-advertisement. Not that he was without some admirers. Years later, William Smithausen, who was a biology teacher at Ygnacio Valley High, said, “I remember Justin very well. He was one of the tallest kids in class. He had a wonderful smile and was a pleasure to teach. He added humor to the class. Very pleasant and cooperative. Even after teaching more than five thousand kids, I remembered Justin. He was unique.”

One thing that made him unique was his absolute docility. He seemed to be always waiting for someone else to direct him, especially his brother.

At the age of seventeen, Taylor decided to join the National Guard. He was underage, however, and his relative Jill Tingey recalled, “They (he and Carma) came down because he was going into the National Guard. Carma and Taylor were there and kept running into red-tape problems. So they were, off and on, at our place for six weeks. Taylor was so sweet and wonderful. My children loved him. He was cooperative and he was helpful. We were doing various projects, gardening and painting the fence and stuff. He was awesome. I wished he was my kid.”

Taylor ran into problems in the National Guard in Texas, however. His eyes were opened by the drinking, swearing and chasing after women by his fellow unit members. He even began preaching to them about the errors of their ways. To some, he was a terrible prig, but a few of his fellow recruits listened to what he had to say. If nothing else, Taylor was always very talkative and knew how to persuade some individuals.

After the National Guard, Taylor decided to go on mission. For young Mormon men and women, going on mission is one of the highlights of their lives. They are sent to another area or country, are teamed up with a partner and teach about the Book of Mormon and the LDS Church.

Charney Hoffman recalled Taylor’s going-away party. Hoffman said, “The main meeting is actually given to the family members and the departing missionary to deliver some type of message. The message of the meeting from Taylor and from his parents was after other people spoke. And the things people said about Taylor were to the effect of—he had a good effect on them. Taylor, according to what people said, read scriptures with virtually anyone who raised their hand. Most of the people talked about insights that Taylor brought, which is actually unusual. Usually people give their own comments, but in that ward, he had a lot of clout. People were very, very proud of the interaction that they had with Taylor. People were excited to share insights about life, about scripture, about anything. The positive influence that he had in their lives.”

When he reached Brazil, Taylor was exuberant about his mission. He wrote in a journal that he needed to work on everything. He said, “I can’t disobey the slightest whispering of Spirit.” He added that he needed to follow through on everything that the Spirit told him.

One time on a plane trip in Brazil, there were members of a rock-and-roll band sitting across from him. Taylor smiled at them, but they did not smile back. He felt that they were cold and dead. He wrote later, “I hope I will remember that it is not fame or money that make people happy.”

A person who knew Taylor very well on his mission in Brazil was a young man named Jonathon Taylor. Jonathon left home for his mission at the age of nineteen in 1990. He recalled, “I served my mission in Brazil, specifically the Brazilian Mission, which was where the headquarters of the mission territory was located. Although the territory of the mission was quite large, it included a number of different territories, Brazilian states and larger cities. I served in many of those areas.

“When I arrived, I felt equal parts excited and overwhelmed. Excited simply because I was anxious to serve on a mission—I had certainly been trained in the language—but nervous because you’re a little bit out of your element. It’s a new experience and you’re a long way from home.

“I met Taylor Helzer on my second day in the country. I met him in a small rural city about sixty miles outside the mission headquarters in a town called Oxidental. There were four missionaries assigned to that area. We all lived in a very small house.

“Missionaries are given the title of elder, or if she’s a female, they’re given the title of sister. So I was Elder Taylor to him, and he was Elder Helzer to me. When I first met Taylor, he was energetic, passionate and seemed to really relish the mission experience. He also struck me as very intelligent. I liked him immediately. He spoke the language relatively well for somebody who had been in the country only as long as he had been. He was on his mission a few months longer than I had been, so we struck up a close friendship relatively quickly.

“He was excited and passionate about the work. He seemed to work very, very hard at it. I enjoyed working with him. He was not my official companion initially, but he kind of became my de facto companion. You always work in twos. His companion was about ready to go home, and my companion was a friend of his companion. They were both Brazilian and spent a lot of time together. So Helzer and I became de facto companions.

“I very much enjoyed working with him—he seemed to have a genuine care for the people. And I certainly learned some things from him. I felt that he was particularly effective in teaching. People seemed to like him, and he had a very, very capable manner about him.

“Scripture and religious doctrine was of interest to me, and it was also of great interest to Helzer. We would spend a lot of time studying scripture and that’s not atypical of a missionary. Helzer was more skilled at it than most. I think that’s one of the reasons we became good friends.”

There was almost a mania in Taylor’s reading and interpreting of scripture, however. Sometimes he would stay up all night reading scripture from the Book of Mormon and dwelling upon what was written there. He would go off on tangents, trying to discern thoughts beyond the surface meaning. It led him into some strange interpretations of scripture.

Taylor had a hard time sleeping at night. He would write in his journal, hour after hour. Some of the main topics were about the Last Days, faith, miracles and his future family. He said, “I have been feeling the fruits of Spirit. It is impossible to turn my mind off. I have never felt the spirit of the Holy Ghost so strongly before.”

Jonathon Taylor started to notice a change in Taylor Helzer’s demeanor. He said later, “The changes in Taylor were fairly abrupt. Probably three-and-a-half to four months into our six months together. Some of the conclusions and beliefs he began to draw—he’d state them more emphatically. Our relationship became a bit more strained. We would end up butting heads on issues, where I would state, ‘You know, Helzer, I think you’re taking that a little too far. You’re lacking certain pieces of information in order to make that conclusion.’

“He sensed he had been given additional inspiration to kind of understand how these things connected. It also carried over into our teaching. When we would teach together, he began to teach these things he was studying. And the church has a very set curriculum that you’re supposed to teach people who are interested in hearing about church doctrines.

“Helzer dwelled upon certain cataclysmic events in the Latter Days. These were of particular interest to him. He would talk about his opinion that there would be the elimination of technology. He thought technology would be rendered useless in the Last Days, and the church or religious leadership would really fall into groups that would be led by warrior prophets, who would defend the people and their faith.”

Taylor Helzer envisioned a sort of Mad Max world with bands of people led by warrior priests. They would adopt a fortress mentality. They would practice survivalist skills and fight against the forces of darkness. The landscape would be a mixture of Book of Revelations, chaos and Lord of the Rings–type setting.

Jonathon Taylor said, “I struggled with that concept. And he started to take [those ideas] to our mission president. Helzer started to debate scripture with the mission president. Taylor would come out from those meetings and say, ‘Well, you know I brought up such and such, and he doesn’t know anything about it.’ Taylor just seemed increasingly frustrated with our mission president. He started to view the president as not a spiritual leader.

“Then Helzer started to read writings of other church leaders of a higher level, and I would say it was a similar reaction. If there were things that he didn’t feel were accurate or if he didn’t agree with them, he kind of dismissed them by saying the church leaders either knew the truth and weren’t revealing it, or they didn’t know the truth and therefore he was not accountable to them. Maybe there were others more qualified to be in their position.

“We parted as friends, and he was moved to a different location in the mission. I saw him probably three or four months later. He immediately wanted to start talking about some of these doctrinal issues, saying he had received additional thoughts and inspiration.”

In the end, Taylor Helzer came home from his mission, very disillusioned that others would not see things his way. He not only felt this way about the mission in Brazil, he was beginning to feel that way about the top leadership of the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City.

Charney Hoffman noticed the change in Taylor when he arrived home. Charney said later, “Taylor believed that because of the story of Adam and Eve in the Bible, he believed that the paradigm of good and evil was something brought to us or given to us by the Devil. One needed to reject the false paradigm in order to be saved. A kind of Buddhist-type take on Judeo-Christianity.

“In talking to him, he would become very upset, very irritated, if you didn’t agree with his perspective. It was hard for him to communicate with people who couldn’t see things the way he saw them. To anybody else, it would look really weird.”

Despite all his struggles with faith and doctrine, Taylor did find time for romance. He ran into Ann, whom he’d known in Ygnacio Valley High School, at a movie theater, one month after he returned from his mission. He liked her and thought she was very pretty, but she was not a Mormon. Taylor discussed this problem with his cousin Charney Hoffman. Hoffman said years later, “We talked for a long time. He told me how he was making the decision whether or not he ought to marry Ann. That kind of spiritual quest. He wanted to make sure that marrying her made sense in terms of his overall spiritual goals.

“We spent a long time talking about these things in his personal life. He actually didn’t even want to date Ann until she actually converted to his religion. He felt that it would be inconsistent with his spiritual life. So he persuaded her to learn about the LDS Church, and eventually she joined. They had their first date when she was baptized into the Church.”

Even as Taylor dated Ann, there was a substrata of angst occurring in his life. Like many of the other members of his family, Taylor believed that one day modern society would break down. Charney explained later, “We went on a survival campout. A bunch of people in our family got together. The purpose from the survival meeting was based on the idea that one day there would be apocalyptic disasters requiring people to fend for themselves without the benefits of modern technology. People would have to build their own forts and live off the land.

“In our family, there are a lot of people who have a very apocalyptic perspective on life in general. A little survival concept was consistent with my extended family’s general belief that one day in this great cosmic battle between good and evil they would be required to survive on their own.”

It was no wonder that Taylor, and even to a larger degree, Justin, began to adopt ideas from right-wing survivalist James “Bo” Gritz. Bo Gritz was a highly decorated Green Beret who had served in the Vietnam War. After the war, he led commando-style missions into Southeast Asia searching for American POWs. Gritz also adopted a stance of anti–big-government ideals, stating, “Tyranny always wears the badge of authority.”

In 1992, he ran for president of the United States on the Populist ticket, with the slogan “God, Guns and Gritz.” He also taught survival classes in the western mountains. By the late 1990s Gritz imbued these classes with an apocalyptic Christian rhetoric. He founded the Center for Action—Fellowship of Eternal Warriors. On his Web site, he stated, “Contact me if you feel God has called you to be a spiritual warrior for these last days.”

It’s not apparent if Taylor or Justin Helzer ever contacted Bo Gritz, but they certainly would adopt the phrase “spiritual warrior” as part of their lexicon.

Despite survivalist tendencies and visions of apocalypse, Taylor and Ann were married in April 1993, a fact that disturbed Justin greatly. He was away on mission at the time and knew nothing of the upcoming marriage of Ann and Taylor. Ann said later, “Justin was hurt that Taylor never consulted him about getting married. He felt it was such a major decision. Justin couldn’t understand why Taylor wouldn’t wait the mere six months remaining of his mission, before getting married.”

The wedding took place at the Oakland Mormon Temple, but because non-Mormons were not allowed inside the temple, a ring exchange also took place in Walnut Creek.

Perhaps Taylor should have consulted Justin about the marriage. According to Ann, the marriage began to unravel right from the beginning. In fact, things were so bad that she and Taylor went in for marriage counseling soon after the honeymoon.

The counseling apparently didn’t do much good. According to Ann, she and Taylor constantly argued. Everything had to be his way. He could never admit that he was wrong. She said, “Taylor had an unrealistic view of the world. He had never been able to watch television at his parents’ home. So in our home for the first time he could watch cable television. He would stay up all night and then have to be at work by six A.M. He couldn’t pull himself away. He said, ‘There’s so much great stuff on.’

“He would also stop into arcades after work and forget to come home for dinner. He even said, ‘I want to try everything.’”

The one thing he wanted more than anything else was sex like he saw on porno videos. He begged his wife for the things he saw, he cajoled her and pestered her constantly. But Ann was not comfortable doing some of the things depicted on the videos.

Even the births of two daughters did not help. Now there were even more things to argue about, especially about their upbringing.

Ann had some very perceptive insights about Taylor’s role in the extended Helzer family. She said later, “Taylor had a strong personality. He appeared to run the family. He was held up on a pedestal—especially by his mother, Carma. But everyone in the Helzer family looked up to Taylor. He was the Golden Child.”

Ann seemed to think that Carma, not Gerry, ran the Helzer family. Gerry was just a “laid-back nice guy,” in her estimation. Carma was more forceful and driven. Ann said, “Carma took the lead. She also communicated quite a bit with me and Taylor during our marriage.”

If Taylor was the “Golden Child,” in the Helzer family, Justin was almost a ghost. He lived in the shadow of his dominant brother. One time Justin even admitted, “I’m just an aspect to her.” Carma seemed to shower all her devotion on Taylor. Later, she would even admit to this, saying that she should have spent more time with Justin. Yet even she could not seem to get enough of basking in Taylor’s glow. He was a dynamo of energy and ideas.

Strangely enough, it was the births of Taylor and Ann’s daughters that brought Justin much closer to Ann. She said, “Justin was loving and sweet. He definitely made time for the girls. He’d read books to the girls and would spend two hours with them when he came to visit. My kids thought Justin was the neatest person around. He was their favorite uncle.”

Ann recounted one more interesting fact—she trusted Justin more with her girls than she did Taylor. Taylor was too self-absorbed; everything had to revolve around him.

Ann’s uncle happened to work for Morgan Stanley /Dean Witter, and he agreed in 1993 to show Taylor the ropes within the company, even though Taylor had taken only one semester of college classes. In some ways, Taylor was tailor-made for Dean Witter. He had a charming personality, drive, ambition and talent for salesmanship. He wasn’t afraid to dive into cold calls, something most salesman and brokers hated. Taylor had a natural gift of gab and selling ability. In May 1993, he joined the Morgan Stanley/Dean Witter branch in Walnut Creek. His sister, Heather, already worked there as a secretary. She remembered that year as being particularly good. Taylor seemed to be getting on track at last.

George Calhoun, a salesman at Dean Witter, possessed a hearty manner and good cheer. He rose in Dean Witter eventually to become a branch manager. In 1993, Calhoun noted, Taylor Helzer was hired into his office as a financial adviser trainee. Calhoun could see the potential that Taylor possessed. He said later, “Taylor was a rising star. He was somebody who could meet people with money and bring them in. He was very outgoing. Very friendly. Always upbeat.

“He would come in and say things like, ‘George, I love this job! This is a great job. I’m thrilled!’

“I was aware of his Mormon upbringing. He was a clean and wholesome guy.”

Taylor did well at the office branch and was hired full-time. His list of clients eventually grew to around two hundred people. These were people who had funds that ranged anywhere from a few thousand dollars up to nearly a million dollars. Taylor seemed to be genuinely interested in helping them manage their money.

Then in late 1996, George Calhoun started to notice a change in Taylor. Calhoun said, “Taylor started smoking cigarettes and going out to nightclubs—two very un-Mormon-like activities. He let his hair grow long. He became more unkempt and less reliable.”

Calhoun tried to talk with Taylor and bring him back on track. Taylor just smiled and said he could go out nightclubbing and handle his office duties as well. Yet as time went on, it seemed that Taylor was more interested in nightclubbing than he was in performing his duties.

Another person acquainted with the dynamics of the Helzer family was Dane Williams. In 1987, when he was nineteen years old, he joined the LDS Church and went to some of their dances. He also spent a lot of time at the Helzer household and went river rafting with them almost every summer.

Of Taylor he said, “I was very influenced by Taylor. The way he carried himself. His knowledge of scripture.”

About Justin, Williams said, “He was sincere and compassionate. From what I was able to see, Taylor seemed to look out for his brother. I thought they were inseparable. The river-rafting trips were a huge bond. I don’t recollect them fighting. Not even a cross word.”

On these raft trips, usually on the American River in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada range, Gerry would lead the group and Taylor often was the leader on a particular raft. These rafts could hold up to six people, and Gerry and Taylor became experts in white-water navigation. They took friends and family along on trips. On one occasion, they even took a family of Taylor’s clients along. They were an elderly couple, Ivan and Annette Stineman, and their daughter, Nancy, and her boyfriend. Justin would sometimes help on the raft trips, but he was always second fiddle to Taylor.

Dane Williams said of Justin, “He kind of did everything his brother did. Taylor went into the National Guard. Then Justin joined the National Guard. Taylor worked for an asphalt company, and then Justin did.”

Justin’s National Guard stint came during the Gulf War years. He became a military policeman (MP) and spent his time in Germany. One person who knew Justin then was Nicolai Nenad. Nicolai was a fellow MP. He said later, “Justin was a polite guy. No cursing. No drinking. He was always an ‘Opie.’” (This was a reference to Ron Howard’s open and naive character on The Andy Griffith Show).

“There was never any back talk from him. In some ways, he was too nice to be an MP. You could put money right on the top of a bunk. He wouldn’t take it. He trusted everybody.

“He was brought up not to see a naked body. So one day, me and the other MPs played a trick on him. We took a soldier’s manual and put nudie girl photos between the pages. Somebody asked him if this was the schematic of an M16 rifle. He looked at the photos and covered his eyes.

“He didn’t want to talk about pornography or anything like that, but we didn’t treat him like an outcast or anything. He was easy to tease, but he got along.”

One thing Justin learned about as an MP was how to handle weapons. He carried a military-style 9mm pistol with him when he was on duty. He was a good marksman.

When Justin got home from his stint in the National Guard, he was still an Opie—open, trusting and naive. He began to take some classes at Diablo Valley College in Pleasant Hill, and Emily White was a fellow student there. She had a class with Justin called Institution of Religions. It was basically a world-religions class. Justin was so taken with the pretty brunette that he asked her out on a date. She recalled of their first date, “It was to a religious concert. It turned out to be a cool date.”

They went out a few more times and Emily recalled, “Justin was always happy. Always a smile on his face. There was an innocence about him. Tender.”

Justin was heartbroken when Emily transferred to Brigham Young University in Utah. He wrote her poems. He wrote her love letters. But she did not return to California.

Diablo Valley College math teacher Tom Mowry also remembered Justin. He thought Justin was a hard worker and good at homework, but not on exams. Mowry agreed to spend extra time with Justin and help him prepare for exams. Justin went into his office several times a week and clearly wanted to learn. The sessions paid off. Justin took the class a second time and passed with a B grade.

Mowry recalled, “He was an all-around nice guy. In fact, he was a sweet guy.”

It took Justin six years to get a two-year degree at Diablo Valley College, but when he did get his Associates of Arts degree, he did it with a 3.5 average.

If Ann and Taylor’s marriage was a struggle from the very beginning, by the summer of 1996 it was sliding toward a precipice. Taylor wanted to test the “sinning side of life.” He began smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, two un-Mormon pastimes. Ann said that in 1996 Taylor really took to alcohol. Then in 1997 he began experimenting with drugs. He smoked marijuana, tried cocaine, mushrooms and ecstasy.

Ann said, “He felt he had missed out in his teen years, so he wanted to try everything that everyone else got to do. He started staying out all night at nightclubs. He began to resemble a fifteen-year-old with his attire. He was all over the board. He went off the deep end!”

There were times that Taylor wouldn’t even come home for several weeks on end. Ann no longer trusted him with her daughters. She wouldn’t let Taylor take them out of the house.

Another friend of the Helzers, Christina Kelly, began to notice Taylor’s strange behavior as well. Kelly had first met Carma in 1992 when she went to a health club for an injury to her back. Carma attended to Kelly during therapy rehabilitation. Kelly met Taylor at the health club and liked him almost immediately.

Kelly began going on raft trips with the Helzers, and Taylor would often guide the rafts through white water. He was strong and good-looking. Kelly said of him, “He was gentle and loving and attended the LDS Church regularly.”

Then, by 1996, she noticed a dramatic difference in Taylor. He started questioning the doctrines of the Mormon Church. She had a conversation with him about this and he told her, “I’ve been betrayed by the church. I got married, went on a mission, and it wasn’t meant to be. I did everything I was supposed to do. I can no longer be a member of the church.”

Even longtime friend Dane Williams noticed the dramatic change in Taylor. He said, “Taylor was becoming weird. I felt sad that a close friend made some bad choices. He was smoking, experimenting with drugs and morality issues. I had looked up to him. Now I didn’t want to be around him.”

Soon Ann began to notice another troubling development. Justin was starting to emulate Taylor’s behavior. She said, “Justin was a follower. He lacked self-confidence. He would never stand up to or argue with Taylor.”

To top it all off, Carma Helzer had taken a self-help course in Utah called Impact. She was so enthralled by what was taught there, she recommended it to both Taylor and Justin. Unfortunately, with their precarious mental states, Impact was to have disastrous results for them and everyone around them.