For Me, Seek the Sun

Michelle Vider

- yesterday I couldn’t leave my bed till like. after 2pm. and that was a struggle. and I wasn’t asleep, I just. couldn’t be outside the bed

- also I’m gonna be tmi for a minute SORRY

- BUT I HAVEN’T HAD A SHIT SINCE SATURDAY SO I’M IRRITATED ABOUT THAT TOO

- /tmi

 

+ noooooooooo

+ ARE YOU GOING TO SABOTAGE YOURSELF

+ AND EAT A TON OF STUFF TO ACTIVATE YOUR IBS

 

- I had coffee yesterday

- and NOTHING

- COFFEE

 

+ YEAH SERIOUSLY, THAT IS COFFEE’S JOB THO

 

- it’s cool I should be getting my period soon

- that should really kickstart stuff

 

+ you should call your toilet the thunderdome

+ and see if that entices your sphincter

+ you should go outside and see if you can terrify your intestines into complying

+ like go out into a field or empty lot with a work of high fantasy

+ try to convince your body that it’s the dark ages and life is too hard as a peasant or vassal to be this blocked up with stress

+ like damn, intestines, there’s cabbage that needs to be picked

+ daughter’s gotta be sold into marriage to a fellow Poor

+ that can’t be done when we’re all blocked up and carrying all this shit weight

 

- that sounds a lot like getting in touch with nature

- why do you think I subscribe to a CSA

- so I don’t have to touch or smell a farmer’s market every damn week

- there was a beetle in our box once and I got my boyf to empty the vegs and then I threw the box out the window

- it missed the dumpster but it felt really good

- maybe I just need to throw something heavy out the window

- LIKE MY ENTIRE BODY FROM THE WAIST FUCKING DOWN

 

+ right i meant to ask did you even think of bisection

+ or did you go straight for the coffee

+ oh oh chewy chips ahoy!! their packaging literally says “more than recommended amount may have a laxative effect”

+ i know this for reasons

+ terrible reasons

 

- I would go outside but I have that condition anthony hopkins has in ‘howards end’

- hay fever? capitalism?

- I have puritanism

- my mayflower ancestors believed hell was located in the sun so the less sin you absorbed through your skin the better your chances of heaven

- which was NOT located in the sun. probably.

 

+ thank you for the next fake fact i’ll use to troll people at parties

 

- yes I approve

- please friend, go out into the world

- look upon it for me

- speak my dickish words

- mail me some chewy chips ahoy so I can destroy my rectum

- I will consider these gift and payment for my Pilgrim Facts

 

+ i dream of the day when you are free to shit again

+ when your allergy prison frees you to spend a day in the sun with your edwardian wife, emma thompson

+ when your home is just far enough into THE COUNTRY that you’re free from the tyranny of the roads

 

- lol I didn’t even get a cost of living raise this year

- tyranny 4ever babe