14

Bella

Need you, Bella,” James’s voice rumbles over the shell of my ear.

I turn toward him. Even half-asleep, my body is drawn to his like a moth to a flame. His mouth is hot against my skin, his stubble prickly against my neck.

I moan, arching into his touch as he slips his hands under my sleep shirt and over my skin. When his palm closes around my breast, I waken fully, my eyes finding his in the dark.

“You’re home,” I murmur.

“Just walked in.”

“How was the game?” I ask, as he kisses the sensitive flesh where my neck rounds out into my shoulder.

“We won.” He keeps kissing a trail over my throat.

“Congratulations.”

I feel James’s mouth curl into a smile against my skin. My fingers rake though his hair, pressing the back of his head more firmly against my body. “The twins—”

“Are fast asleep,” James explains, tugging the tie on my sleep shorts and rolling them down my body along with my underwear. “I missed you, baby.”

I settle back against my pillows. “You did?”

James’s hand slides up my leg, slowly. When it reaches the apex of my thighs, it stops and he swipes two fingers up my core, through the wetness already waiting for him.

“I missed you too,” I murmur.

He laughs. “I can tell.” Then he slips his fingers inside his mouth and sucks my sweetness, grinning wickedly as he pulls his fingers out with a loud smack.

My gaze is already at half-mast at that little display and when James reads the heat in my eyes, desire flares in his. We move at the same time, removing clothes, our breathing ragged. Our sweet and lazy of the past week kicks up into sexy and needy as we reach for each other. Our mouths crash together in a hungry kiss, wrought with delicious promises and sinful intentions.

I shush James twice, reminding him that we need to be quiet but it’s hard to remember as his body coaxes the most delicious sensations from mine. James and I lose ourselves in each other and somewhere over the course of the night, we find ourselves too.

As the darkness eases into dawn, I realize that I don’t want to hide my relationship with James. I don’t want to keep my newfound happiness under wraps when I feel almost drunk with the need to shout it from the rooftops. Being with James has restored a part of me I thought I lost and I don’t want to conceal it. I want to celebrate it. Rejoice in him. Rejoice in us.

As the first rays of sunshine flicker across my bedroom wall, I turn toward James and open my mouth. But his finger comes up and presses against my lips, silencing me.

“I’ve been thinking,” he starts slowly and my stomach twists, nerves and anticipation rolling through me. “I’m ready to tell the twins. I want to.”

I smile against his finger and he removes it.

“What do you think?” he whispers.

“I think I like this idea very much,” I tell him truthfully. “I want to be with you, James. But they’re the heart of this family and I want to be honest with them.”

He kisses me deeply, pulling back only to stare into my eyes. “Me too, Bella. I love you.”

Pure joy radiates through my veins as I smile at him. “I love you, too.”

Then, we make love again as the sun rises on a new day and the next chapter of our together begins.

The following days are busy with extracurricular activities and hockey games so James and I agree to tell the twins this weekend, when he returns home from a game. We’re in the kitchen, eating lunch, before he flies out for two days.

Snow falls thickly outside the window, blanketing the ground in white.

“What are you going to do while I’m in Milwaukee?” James asks. “Maia is keeping the kids overnight on Wednesday. You should do something with Selina. Go out to dinner.”

I wrinkle my nose. “I picked up Selina’s shift at Taps that night. She has an audition.”

James frowns, turning toward me. “You did? Why? You don’t need to be working all these hours. I mean, you pretty much work all the time here.” His frown deepens as he considers his own words. “Do you need more time off? You should do something fun with your friends.”

I shake my head, forcing a smile. I try to keep my voice light. “It’s fine. I like working at Taps. It’s fun.”

James gives me a disbelieving look.

“Besides, I want to help Lina out. She’s been so great to me, letting me live with her for stretches at a time. Trust me, it’s no big deal,” I reassure him, not adding that I like to keep busy. It’s how I cope; it’s how I’ve been dealing with all the things I don’t want to think about for years now. Sure, my sessions with Dr. Carlisle have curtailed a lot of my need to throw myself into things. But I’m still adjusting.

While being with James has placed my life on a new trajectory, it hasn’t erased all the things I’m still working through. After long days surrounded by incredible kids, in a house that is truly a home, I still sometimes long for the family I don’t have. Will Milly and Mason ever consider me a motherly figure?

Being with James eased a lot of my hurt, but it also raised a lot of new questions. What does my future look like? Do I have a place in his family? In their home? As more than just the nanny?

When you’re sitting in someone else’s home, no matter how much you love it, no matter how much you revel in it, it’s still someone’s home. It’s built from their dreams and hopes. It’s wrought with their plans and ideas.

Since Jerry and I divorced, I never had a space that was just mine. I never had an opportunity to truly create a place for myself to think and reflect. I never had that because I didn’t want it, in fact, I ran from it. The best way to keep those old hurts and devastating memories, the quiet longing and needy desires, under wraps, is to stay busy. Filling in at Taps provides that and when Selina asked if I could cover for her, I jumped at the chance.

James pushes my hair over my shoulder, looking down at me with worry in his eyes. “You sure? You’re not taking on too much?”

I smile at his concern, hearing an echo of Colton’s words. “I’m sure.” I tip my chin up and kiss the underside of his jaw. “Don’t worry about me. Go to Milwaukee, win your game, and when you come home, we’ll tell the twins our news.”

He smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Okay. But if you need anything, you call me.”

“I’ll be fine.”

He sighs. “I know. I just, I worry about you when you’re on your own.”

His words cause me to pause. “Why?” I ask slowly.

His hand cups my cheek, his thumb drawing a line down the center of my chin. “Because I love you, Bella.”

Even though he’s said the words before, they still turn my body to mush. “I love you too.” I lean back so he can drop his head to kiss me again.

He glances at his watch and groans. “I need to head out. I’ll see you in a few days.”

“Be careful,” I remind him, slipping off the barstool so I can follow him to the door.

He pauses in the foyer. Intensity burns in his eyes for a long moment before he grips my hips and pulls me flush against his body. James kisses me deeply, causing my head to swirl. When he releases me, he grins wickedly. “You be careful,” he says instead.

Then, he shoulders his bag and lifts his hand in a wave before leaving. I close the door behind him, rolling my back against it as I take in the Ryan home.

In many ways, it feels like my home too. But is it? Will a home James built and brought to life with Layla ever truly be mine?

I shake the thought away. First, we need to tell the twins about us. How will they react? Will they hate me?

Christmas is only a few weeks away and James invited me at Maia’s urging. But I’ve held off on agreeing until we talk to the twins. Will they want me to celebrate with them? Go to Delaware and stay at their teta’s house over the holidays? Or will that be overkill? Will it hurt too much? Will they think I’m trying to replace their mother?

I sink to the couch, my thoughts tripping over each other.

That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. Everything I know about Layla Ryan and her family is good. She was a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman. An amazing wife, a phenomenal mother, a wonderful person through and through. I’d never try to take her place. But is there room, true space for me, in the Ryan family? In James’s, Milly’s, and Mason’s lives? Can their love for me coexist with their love for Layla?

I hope so.

I lean back on the couch, checking the time. I don’t have to pick the twins up for several hours. Suddenly, the weight of the empty house presses in on me. My thoughts begin to spiral as different scenarios about us telling the twins play out in my mind.

My fingers swipe across the keypad of my phone as I debate messaging Dr. C for a session. No. I pull my hand away and close my eyes. I just spoke with him last night and I’m making progress; I’m moving forward. I can handle this.

I blow out a shaky sigh, hating that this many years later, I still struggle to sit idly. I still jump at the chance to pick up Selina’s serving shifts at Taps or Jolene’s.

I force myself to stand and head into the kitchen. I tidy up from James’s and my lunch before doing a deep clean of the entire kitchen, throwing myself into the task. When the countertops gleam and I can see my reflection in the stainless steel of the refrigerator, I close my eyes in defeat. Because it wasn’t enough. Restlessness still courses through my veins. Heading to my room, I change into workout clothes.

Then, I pop in my ear pods, select a high energy playlist, and head to the basement where James has a home gym with a treadmill. I run until I can barely breathe, until my lungs burn, and my legs feel like jelly. I run until my thoughts quiet and my concerns ease.

That night, after I tuck Milly and Mason into bed, I climb under my duvet and let sleep claim me. I’m so exhausted that I sleep through my alarm the following morning.

However, when I wake up and read the message on the screen of my phone, I wish I slept even longer.

Jerry: Bells, we need to talk.