The tears on Bella’s face, the hurt in her eyes, makes me feel sick. I glare at the fucker standing across from her and even though he hasn’t answered my question, I know it’s him. Jerry.
My hands clench into fists and an unmatched ferocity rocks through me. Never before have I felt so out of control, so wildly angry. Did he hurt her? Why is she crying?
“Who the fuck are you?” I repeat.
The guy glances between Bella and me but he doesn’t look nervous. He shakes his head imperceptibly and says, “I meant what I said, Bells.” Then he moves to walk around me but my arm darts out, my hand grabbing his shoulder.
He freezes, not in fear. In fact, the look he gives me is filled with understanding that confuses me while notching my anger higher.
“James.” Bella’s voice pulls my attention. When I focus on her, the guy blows past me, bouncing down the steps. I turn to watch him make his way toward a car parked on the street, memorizing the make and model in case he brings trouble in the future. “What are you doing here?”
“What?” I turn back to Bella.
“How’d you find me?” she asks, stepping back so I can enter Selina’s townhouse.
“I figured you’d be with Selina. I asked Pete for her address.”
“Oh.”
“Who was that?” I point toward the street as Bella closes the door.
She blows out a heavy sigh, confirming my suspicions. Still, I need the words. I need to hear her say his name. “That was Jerry.”
“What the fuck was he doing here? What did he want? Did he hurt you?” Questions rattle off my tongue, more like demands, as I step toward her and place a hand on her arm.
She shakes off my touch and I frown, not liking how aloof she’s being with me when he clearly had her teeming with emotions. “He came to apologize. To make amends.”
“Amends?” I ask harshly, not understanding what the fuck is happening right now. I came over here to talk to Bella about Milly and Mason, about the future of our relationship. And she’s…sobbing over her ex-husband?
Fear disguised as anger rips through me and I grip the back of my neck, squeezing hard enough for it to hurt.
“He’s”—her voice cracks and uselessness rolls through me—“he’s having a baby.”
“Son of a bitch,” I swear.
“No, it’s okay. I mean, I’m happy for him.”
“You don’t look happy,” I say, releasing my hold on my neck and letting my hand fall. Knowing Jerry’s having a child with someone else eases some of my jealousy and I blow out a deep breath, reminding myself to keep a cool head.
“It was hard to hear,” she admits. “Especially since the thing I want most in the world is to have a family.”
I nod but her words are like being steamrolled by a Mack truck. Of course she wants to have a family. It’s the same thing I strived for after my parents passed. That sense of belonging, that feeling of knowing, without a shadow of doubt, that you are connected to something larger than yourself. That’s partly the reason why Layla’s family means so much to me; they accepted me as one of their own from the start. I shake my head, the exchange from this morning in the kitchen flooding my mind. The words I said, the look on her face.
How did I not realize sooner that this is a fundamental need for her? How much about her and her past do I not know? Insecurities rise to the surface as I recall meeting her brother in Taps last night. He mentioned her divorce, her PhD program. Why didn’t she tell me about these things? Why didn’t she trust me with them?
Too much too soon.
Bella’s words come back to me. Is she right? Did we rush into this?
“Why are you here?” she repeats, her expression guarded, her voice uncertain.
I sigh, reaching out again and placing my hands on her shoulders. “I needed to see you.”
She dips her head. “How’s Milly? Where are the twins?”
“Confused,” I admit. “She was surprised to see us together and to be honest, I’m not sure how she feels about it. Maia’s fiancé took them to the movies.”
“Of course,” Bella agrees. “It must have been a shock for her and since I’m not her mother…”
She lets her sentence trail but now that I’m aware of it, I hear the silence for what it is. I’m not her mother because I’m not part of your family.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
“Where do we go from here?” she responds, letting my question dangle.
“I don’t know,” I admit quietly, feeling my stomach twist as the words shatter the air. “It’s going to take Milly some time to get used to us.”
“Is there an us?” Her voice is small but her eyes hold mine, unwavering.
“I’d like there to be.” I grasp her fingers in my hand. “I love you, Bella. I can’t just turn that off. I just think we need to…tread carefully.”
“Right,” she replies automatically.
I frown, feeling like I’m missing something. Something big. “What’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?”
She chuckles, the sound exasperated. “James, just be honest with me. Milly being uncertain of us is an issue, isn’t it?”
I nod, because yeah, my daughter struggling with my dating, with my having a relationship with Bella, isn’t something I’m going to overlook. I’m not capable of it and up until this second, I didn’t think Bella was either.
“I just, I thought I was becoming a part of your family,” she murmurs quietly. Tears fills her eyes and my stomach twists at the sight of her hurting. “I thought we were building something together.”
“You are. We are.”
“Do you want more children?” she asks out of left field.
“What?” I frown, staring at her. “I don’t know. I never…I never thought about it before.”
“Right. Because you already have kids.” She tosses an arm in my direction, as if that settles is.
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” I say, starting to lose my patience. “I never thought about it because I was never in a serious relationship, talking about the future, the way I am now. If you want to discuss having children—”
“Or adopting.”
“Or adopting, then we can do that. But not tonight, not when we’re both upset and wading through all of this.” I gesture to the room at large, as if that will clarify all the things we’re now dealing with.
Bella glares at me but behind the anger in her eyes is a fear that scares me. “Do you think Milly is upset because you’re dating me or because you’re dating in general?” she asks quietly.
“I don’t know.”
“You can tell me the truth.”
“I am. I didn’t get much out of Milly.” I narrow my eyes at her, unable to get a pulse on her emotions. She’s all over the place.
“I think we should respect her concerns and give her…time.”
“Time?” I repeat.
“Did you have another suggestion?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest. Her posture is suddenly defensive, her voice holding an edge I don’t care for.
I shake my head. “No. But, I don’t want to call things off with us either. I’m still planning to take the kids to Delaware for the holidays to be with Layla’s family. It will be good for them to spend time with family and to have a break from Boston, from all the traditions Layla used to do in the house.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s all you’re going to say. You still haven’t given me an answer about spending the holidays with us and I still want you to come, if you’d like.”
“What do you want me to say?” She shrugs. “You’ve made a decision that’s right for your family and now you’ve told it to me. And…I don’t think that’s a good idea, given everything that’s going on.”
“What the hell is happening here? It’s like I don’t even recognize you right now. I thought we were in this together. I thought we were building a future together.”
“Milly hated seeing us together, James!” Bella shouts, throwing her arms in the air. “She hated seeing me in her mother’s bedroom. And can you blame her? I’m not her mother. I’m not anyone’s mother. I want to be part of a family. And this morning, you made it really clear that you already have one. That there’s no room for me.”
“That’s not true, Bella. I didn’t mean for it to… just, calm down. Let’s—”
“Don’t tell me to calm down. My feelings are valid. What you said to Milly and Mason this morning—”
“Was me trying to reassure them.”
“So, you lied to them? Either you think I could belong to your family or not.”
“I know that.” I squeeze her fingers again in an attempt to take the sting out of my words. Leading her into Selina’s living room, I sit on the couch and tug her down beside me. “What’s going on, Bella?”
She shakes her head. “I can’t keep existing in this limbo, James. Either we’re together or we’re not. I respect Milly and I understand that she may need time. But I’m not emotionally strong enough to live in your house, care for your children, see you every day, and not be together. And I’m not at a point where I can continue a relationship with a man who doesn’t want the same things as me. I want a family. To be part of a family. I don’t want to be an outsider, existing on the edge.”
Her words are absolute and direct, an ultimatum underlining her tone that causes me to rear back. “I can’t make those decisions right now and you know it. So, what are you really saying?”
“I’m saying, I need you to be honest with me. Are we in this together or not? Can we desire the same things for the future or no?”
I narrow my eyes at her, irritated how she’s glossing over everything. Boiling down huge issues into mere sentences. “Honesty? You want to talk about honesty? Why was Jerry here, Bella? Did he just randomly show up? Why didn’t you tell me about how ugly your divorce was? Or how about you shed some light on why you run every morning, like a junkie addicted to heroin? Pushing yourself until you’re ready to collapse?”
She pulls her hand away from mine and glares at me. “That’s not fair. That has nothing to do with you. With us.”
But now I’m angry. How dare she think I’m not in this with her? When I’m right here, still asking her to celebrate Christmas with my family. Still wanting to work through everything and have her live in my home. “Doesn’t it? It’s like I don’t even know you sometimes. You only let me see the pieces you want and sidestep the rest.”
“That’s not true. You’ve seen more of me than, than anyone else. Even Dr. Carlisle thinks so.” She bites down hard, rolling her lips together.
I narrow my eyes, my anger spiking. “Who the hell is Dr. Carlisle?”
Bella hangs her head and mutters, “He’s my therapist.”
I throw a hand in the air, an incredulous chuckle dropping from my lips. “And you didn’t think that was something you should mention to me? To confide in me about when I’ve shared every fucking thing with you? Everything. And I come here tonight to find fucking Jerry standing on the other side of the threshold.” I stand up from the couch, walking a few paces away to put space between us, to clear my head. This conversation is going all wrong.
Everything about today is all wrong.
I whirl to face Bella. “I love you, Bella. I am in love with you. And as much as you want to sit here and try to paint a picture where I’m not all in the way you are, I call bullshit. Becoming a family, having children, adoption, those are conversations we would have eventually discussed. As our relationship progressed, it would have naturally come up. But no, until I met you, I never considered marrying again. The thought of having more babies never crossed my mind. But those future hypotheticals have nothing to do with right now. You’ve never been as invested in this relationship as I’ve been. If you were, you would have opened up about your baggage a hell of a lot earlier. You would have trusted me the same way I trusted you. We were planning to tell my children about us when you haven’t even told your parents. Your brother. Does Dr. Carlisle know?”
Bella’s eyes flare, her mouth dropping open. “That’s not fair, James.”
“None of this is fair.” I gesture between us. In my pocket, my phone buzzes and when I slip it out, Maia’s name flashes across the screen. I swear, shaking my head. “I gotta go. I’m leaving for Delaware on Wednesday. I’ll see if Maia and her mom can help with childcare so you can have some time off. Go home for the holidays, see your family. Will I see you when we get back?”
She nods stiffly, averting her gaze. “In the new year, I’ll stay at the house when you’re traveling but I can’t live with you guys anymore.”
I chuckle humorlessly. “So that’s it? You’re pumping the brakes, just like that?”
She glares at me, her blue eyes glittering like hardened gemstones. “Consider it self-preservation. I’m already in too deep with a family that was never going to be mine.”
Her words pummel me, a jab to the temple I never saw coming. I back away slowly, holding up a hand in defense. “Merry Christmas, Bella,” I mutter as I near the door.
She holds my gaze until I open the door and slip outside, into the cold winter night. I don’t feel the drop in temperature though because inside, I’m blazing, an inferno wreaking havoc on my nervous system.
What the hell just happened? Why did Bella push me away? How large and looming are the demons she’s battling? Why wouldn’t she tell me about Dr. Carlisle and therapy?
The realization that she’s withheld a lot more than I have cuts deep because I thought I could trust her. I thought we were moving forward together, helping each other heal.
Instead, I feel like I did waking up in that hotel room over the summer—foolish, embarrassed, and ashamed. Lost.