chapter twenty-seven
I don’t stop until I get there. I hadn’t even realized I was headed this way, but when I see the little dock stretching out into the water, the boat bobbing in the sea, I know this is where I was going all along.
I stop on the beach, staring over at Lemon’s house. She’s nowhere to be seen, the blinds on the back windows shut tight.
Behind me, the ocean roars, the waves churned up by a windy night. I wait as long as I can, but it’s pulling me, calling me.
Home.
Finally, I turn to face it. I walk down the dock, right to the very edge. The boat is there, like it’s been waiting for me. I stare at it for a long time. The Sadness is here, holding my hand just like always, but something else is there too.
Longing.
You were meant for this.
The sea is in her soul now.
The water curls and rolls, creating a space for me. This is where I was last happy. Where I last felt like me. Maybe I am like Rosemary, the Sadness has changed me so much that I don’t belong anywhere else now. The sea is my soul, my soul is the sea. My home.
I brace my hands on the boat’s edges and hop inside. The ocean tosses the little skiff like it’s a plastic toy. I tip sideways, my shoulder slamming into the side, but I barely feel it. Instead, it just feels right. I’m where I belong, the only place that makes sense.
The wild, senseless sea.
I untie the boat, then grab the oars. The waves seem to help me along, carrying me farther and farther from the dock. And the farther and farther I get, the easier I breathe. Out here, completely alone, nothing but dark blue underneath me and dark sky above. How did I avoid this for so long? Rosemary knew the answer. She knew she belonged to the sea, after losing her whole family to the wind and waves. She knew this was the only place she’d ever feel like herself.
One day it will claim her completely.
I’m far enough out now that the waves have calmed. I stop rowing and look around, dark blue everywhere, not another soul in sight. I can’t even see the shore anymore. I can’t see Lemon’s house anymore. Can’t spot Sea Rose Cottage. There’s nothing, nothing, nothing, but me and the deep blue sea.
The tears start without my permission, but I don’t fight them. They pour like rain, bumping over my scarred cheek. Here, I’m not holding anyone back. Here, I’m not spouting mean words to my friends. Here, I’m not confused, I’m not worried, I’m not nervous.
But I’m alone. Really, truly alone.
Out here, I’ll always be alone.
The thought settles inside me. It opens up, but not like space. Not like freedom.
Like hollowness.
Rosemary’s out here all alone. No friends, no crushes, no one to tell secrets to, no one to paint sparkly teal makeup over her eyelids and cheeks. No one to eat frozen yogurt with. No one to laugh with. No one to cry with, to feel the Sadness with.
My mind reaches out for something to fill the hollowness, something, anything, and it latches on to the Solstice Fire, Lemon and me on the beach, her hand in mine, our Sadness tangled together and me feeling… me feeling…
Right.
Safe.
Understood.
I shake my head, because no. Mum is home. California is home. Thirty-nine Camelia Street is home. And if it’s gone, then… then…
Maybe I am too.
I lean over the edge of the boat, stretching an arm out toward the water. My parents’ rings glint on my finger. My moonlit reflection appears, my face. I know it’s me, the girl below moving as I move, frowning as I frown, wiping tears away as I do the same.
I reach farther, dipping my fingers into the sea.
I wish I was a mermaid.
I stretch even farther, the frigid water gulping at my arm up to my elbow now. My face gets closer and closer to the sea, waves bobbing me closer still. Just a little more and I’ll find her. The water reaches my shoulder… neck…
And then the ocean swallows me whole.