Stop Feeling Guilty About Your To-Do List
by Rebecca Knight
Quick Takes
You’re getting that feeling again: You’ve been busy for hours, and your to-do list has barely been touched. You feel guilty for not getting more done. But this emotion is neither useful nor healthy. So, what can you do about it? How should you handle feelings that you’re letting down your coworkers, boss, kids—and even yourself? How can you learn to accept that you are doing the best you can? And, what are some strategies for getting smarter about how you tackle your interminable to-do list?
What the Experts Say
Your end-of-the-day shame for not having accomplished what you set out to is often the result of unrealistic expectations, says Heidi Grant, the director of research and development for Americas Learning at EY and the author of Nine Things Successful People Do Differently, among others. “Most humans are overly optimistic—we enter the day with an expectation and plan of getting all sorts of things done,” she says. But the trouble is, “we are not grounding our expectations in the reality of the work that we do.” So invariably by the end of the day, we feel anxious and guilt-ridden, says Whitney Johnson, executive coach and author of Disrupt Yourself. “You look at what you didn’t get done, and you get that sinking feeling deep in your soul that you are not enough.” But, she says, “you mustn’t feel like a failure.” Conquering this guilt involves a combination of getting savvier about how you chip away at your to-do list, improving how you manage your own (and others’) expectations about what you can realistically achieve over the course of a day, and building self-compassion for those times when you fail to live up to them. Here’s how.
Reframe the situation
When the nagging voice in your head tells you that you’re failing those around you with your inability to finish certain tasks, Grant says you need to recognize those negative ruminations for what they are, “a story you’re telling yourself.” After all, “it’s not objectively true that you should feel bad about this or that; it’s only true because of the way you’re interpreting the situation,” she says. “You’re deciding that it’s all your fault.” Instead, seize the opportunity to reframe and reappraise the situation. “Ask yourself: Is there another way to look at this?” You might, for instance, come to realize that “I did a lot today, and I did my best. I hope to get more done tomorrow, and my colleagues and family probably understand because they’re busy, too.”
Gain perspective on your productivity
It’s also helpful to think about the factors that keep you from accomplishing items on your list and appreciating that, oftentimes, circumstances cannot be helped. “When you think about why you aren’t getting things done, more often than not it’s because you were attending to someone else’s needs,” says Johnson. “Your client, colleague, boss, or family member needed your help, and you provided it.” Johnson recommends replacing the question, What did I accomplish today? with How did I contribute today? “You will find you were more productive than you thought.”
Recognize your limitations
Some work-related guilt involves feelings of shame about your inability to reach your full potential—as in, “If I worked harder and longer, I’d achieve more,” says Grant. This anxiety may be due, in part, to “the myths of growth mindset.” Today’s workplace indoctrinates employees into thinking they can always get better at something—so long as they put in the effort. But while “improvement is always possible, you also need the goal to improve”—not to mention the time, energy, and resources to do so. So, when you find yourself feeling guilty because you’re not succeeding in the way you envisioned, try to recognize that this emotion stems “from not wanting to reckon with your limitations,” she says. You need to “disengage from the things that are less important to you,” she adds. “Never give up something because you think you can’t do it; give up because you’ve decided it’s not worth investing your time and energy.” Put simply, “Pick your battles and let the rest of it go.”
Get pragmatic about your to-do list
In addition to dealing with the psychological effects of falling short on your to-do list, there are plenty of ways you can get better at allocating your time—which could also help reduce your end-of-the-day shame. It starts with taming your list.
Set expectations
Once you’ve developed an understanding of your bandwidth and retooled your to-do list accordingly, it’s time to set expectations with others at work. “Avoid people pleasing,” and “stop overpromising,” says Johnson. Being explicit about what’s reasonable for you to take on “prevents constant requests coming in for things you can’t do,” adds Grant. “It also helps establish boundaries for you, which is reaffirming.” What’s more, being clear about what you can manage often helps you recognize that in general, your colleagues and boss are understanding and reasonable people (see chapter 11, “How to Say No to Taking on More”). “We tend to imagine people having far worse reactions than they actually do. When you inform people of your constraints and they take it in stride, which they usually will, you realize there is nothing to feel bad about,” she says.
Sure, you can be a little shrewder about how you manage your time, and you can set better expectations, but in the end, “you have to be a steward of your own well-being,” says Grant. You need to figure out a way to “preserve your mental capacity” and “stop obsessing about your to-do list.” You can only do “one thing at a time, and that’s never going to change.” Instead of fixating on three things you didn’t finish, pat yourself on the back for the 17 things you did, adds Johnson. Positive self-talk comes in handy here, too. Try a new mantra. “Tell yourself, ‘I worked hard today; I gave it my best shot; I did a good job, and I should be proud of that.’”
Be patient
Similarly, don’t expect a fast and simple solution to the problem. “You’re not going to read this article and never experience guilt again,” says Grant. Grappling with guilt is ongoing. “Expect to have feelings of guilt and have to work through them again and again,” she says. Johnson concurs. “Sometimes you will struggle with this more, sometimes less,” she says. “It’s a process.” Thankfully, if you implement these practices—in particular, accepting a certain degree of noncompletion—“it will get easier.”
Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, March 9, 2020 (product #H05GWB).