Reviving your sex drive is a process that requires a deliberate renewal of sexual awareness. Simply going through the motions of having sex is not enough.
A woman with low libido may not realize that she has dissociated from her physical self and thus her sexuality. She must become reacquainted first with her body, then with her sensuality, and finally with the sexual thoughts and feelings she has rejected over time. Through this exploration, she may discover that what turns her on now isn’t the same as what turned her on before. That’s the case for most women.
Sexuality is dynamic; it evolves as your body matures and your life circumstances change. If you have disconnected from the physical sensations of sex over time, you must relearn how to feel when you make love and experience pleasurable touch. Remembering what used to arouse you is a good starting point.
Reconnecting with your sexuality is a conscious choice. It also is an opportunity to rediscover a part of yourself that is not dead. It simply has been in hibernation for a while.
The self-examination that’s necessary for embracing your sexual identity can be uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve already dissociated from this part of yourself. One of our clients, Amanda, found this to be true when she came to the Sexual Wellness Center for help with her low libido.
Amanda was in her early forties when she called my (Dr. Brandon’s) office for an appointment. Although she and her husband, Trent, were sexually active, she couldn’t recall the last time she actually wanted to make love. She appeared demoralized and pessimistic about her apparent lack of sexual desire.
Amanda interpreted her predicament in purely hormonal terms. She believed that because her body’s hormonal balance had changed as she had gotten older, her libido had disappeared forever. But Dr. Goldstein’s physical exam and hormone tests found no indication that Amanda’s health was somehow standing in her way.
Amanda and I began our work by exploring what had turned her on in the past. At first she said she couldn’t remember. She was aware of feeling intense desire and excitement with Trent (as well as with other men before him) but was unclear as to her role in that process. In her mind, her sexual feelings had just flowed naturally.
After much contemplation, Amanda spoke about a time in her life when she had been more receptive to her sexuality. Back then, she thought about sex quite a bit. She routinely planned romantic or erotic sexual escapades that she and Trent could share. She dressed in provocative clothing, clearly reveling in the fact that Trent wanted her. She was tuned in to her sexual self on many levels—her thoughts, her feelings, her behaviors, and her physical sensations.
The two of us then compared that period in Amanda’s life with the current state of her sexuality. Although she had bought sexual props and toys in an effort to reignite her sex drive, her use of them lacked any spirit of inspiration or exploration. She admitted that she would get out her vibrator when she and Trent were making love because she could climax quicker, not because she enjoyed the sensations it provided. She seemed to approach their sexual encounters with one overarching thought: “Let’s get this over with.” Beyond that, if sex ever crossed her mind, it usually had some negative connotation—as in “I hope Trent won’t want to make love tonight.”
Amanda noticed something else, too: She no longer appreciated the more subtle aspects of life that had once stimulated her. For example, she could remember when she made a point of playing sexy music during her weekend dinners with Trent. And she used to enjoy swimming naked in their pool at dusk, relishing the sensation of the cool water on her skin. Yet she couldn’t name a single instance in her current life in which she enjoyed being sensual and experiencing her body in an erotic way.
Rather than creating situations to enhance her sexual awareness, as she had done regularly in the past, Amanda seemed to be subverting her sexuality. We discussed how she was attempting to deal with her low libido by dissociation, and how this coping mechanism—though a popular one—is rarely successful in helping women overcome their sexual difficulties.
Amanda had disconnected not only from thoughts of her sexuality in her daily life but also from the physical sensations of her sexual encounters with Trent. She described her experience of being touched by her husband in clinical, cold terms. She essentially shut down her body and mind when he made sexual advances to her. While they were making love, her thoughts often drifted to matters completely unrelated to sex.
Even when Amanda managed to stay focused on the moment, she didn’t have a positive reaction to her sexual interactions with Trent. Without deriving pleasure from Trent’s touch, Amanda understandably felt little desire for intimate contact with him.
Eventually, Trent joined Amanda in therapy. But first, she realized, she needed to do some work on her own. She understood that she had turned off sexually. Now her task was to figure out why.
In our experience, women like Amanda tend to dissociate from their sexual selves when they repeatedly experience negative emotions. In other words, whenever they tune in to how they’re feeling, sexually or otherwise, they become uncomfortable. So they subconsciously decide that they’re better off not feeling at all. Their emotional and physical responses go numb.
Women who resort to dissociation as a coping mechanism often struggle with the quiet moments in their lives, such as time alone, because they’re more vulnerable to turning inward then. But introspection and dissociation don’t mix. These women will resist opportunities to know themselves more intimately, because they want to avoid evoking the negative emotions buried inside.
This is why they may try to speed up or skip over foreplay during sexual encounters. Because foreplay tends to be slower and more introspective than intercourse, the risk of connecting with themselves, and with their partners, in a deep and meaningful way is too great. Instead, these women will put their energy into the “active” part of sex. Unfortunately, intercourse probably won’t be all that enjoyable, because they haven’t had enough time to warm up. Of course, if they continue repeating this pattern of bad sex, they won’t want sex at all.
If you are like most women with low libido, you probably would say that you never think about sex or feel sexual in any way. You may question whether you are even capable of experiencing sexuality again. Sometimes you chalk up your lack of desire to growing older, and you try not to think too much about it. But you have moments when you wonder whether you are giving up too quickly.
A research team at the University of Texas at Austin, led by psychologist Cindy Meston, Ph.D., is conducting some interesting research on this topic. Specifically, they are looking at women’s self-perceptions of sexual arousal. In these studies, female volunteers are presented with a sexual stimulus, perhaps an erotic video. While they watch the video, special instruments record their bodies’ sexual responses, such as vaginal lubrication and degree of genital engorgement. The women also rate how sexually aroused they become.
The results of the studies are fascinating. Women repeatedly underestimate their level of sexual arousal. That is, they have little awareness of how much they’re turned on. Generally, they rate their bodies as sexually unresponsive, even when their vaginal lubrication is adequate and their genitals are engorged in a typical arousal state.
What does this research mean? It tells us that women base their perceptions of what arouses them on their emotional reactions, rather than on their physiological responses. In other words, most women who believe that their bodies don’t react “normally” to sexual stimuli in fact are not tuned in to what’s going on physically. It seems that their emotional experience of a sexual stimulus is overriding their physiological experience of it. Even when a woman’s body arouses normally, she can block the physical feedback with her emotions.
This suggests that if a woman is ambivalent about her sexual partner or his lovemaking style, she will perceive that she is not aroused, even when all the relevant physical measures show that she is. Making use of this research in therapy means that we must focus more on a woman’s emotional reactions to sexual stimuli. If she is not engaged or satisfied emotionally, physical arousal will be relatively meaningless for her.
At the Sexual Wellness Center, we advise women who have disconnected from pleasurable physical sensations to tune in to their bodies whenever they feel anything emotionally. This follows the theory that all emotions are experienced on both psychological and physical levels, so one can help increase awareness of the other.
Thus, if you feel sad, finding the place in your body where you harbor that sadness can help increase your perception of physical sensations. You can do the same with happiness, anger, or virtually any emotion. Conversely, you might ask yourself, What emotions lie behind my back pain? My migraines? My irritable bowel syndrome?
You also can explore the connection between physical sensations and emotions with help from, oddly enough, a tennis ball. Lie on top of the ball so that it rolls up and down your spine. You’ll be amazed at the tension that’s harbored there and the emotions that arise as you manipulate those muscles. These exercises may seem strange, but they work. As you increase your understanding of how your emotions and your body interact with one another, you’ll become more sensitive to your sexual response. This is not a small point. Your sexuality is as much an emotional experience as a physical one. Thus, the better you understand the connection between your mind and body, the more you will be able to facilitate pleasurable sexual sensations.
If you want to reconnect with the physical side of your sexuality, your first step is to define what is sensual for you. This involves becoming aware of your most subtle sexual thoughts and feelings. Many of our clients say that their lives are too hectic to pay attention to such subtleties. The fact is, the chaotic pace of their daily routines probably has contributed to the depletion of their sex drives in the first place.
Once you tune in to your sensuality, you probably will find that you’ve maintained more of it than you give yourself credit for. Contrary to how you may feel at this moment, you are not asexual. You simply need to reawaken that part of you. Bringing back your sensuality will require effort, but it also can be fun.
The exercises in this section can be powerful, though they may seem relatively innocuous on the surface. We know that you may be tempted to skip over them in search of more-potent solutions to your low libido. Perhaps you are interested in what will deliver the biggest return for your time and energy investment. We certainly don’t blame you.
But these exercises are a particularly integral part of your healing process. Besides, you need to slow down. You probably have been moving so quickly through your life that you are missing out on the more delicate aspects of your sexuality. And you must reacquaint yourself with these subtleties in order to rediscover and revitalize your sexual desire. We invite you to relax and take pleasure in this process. It involves the type of homework that you actually can enjoy completing!
Try to approach the following exercises with an attitude of curiosity and openness to learning new things about yourself. As human beings, we are constantly growing and changing. Our sexual selves are no different. And you’ve been out of touch with yours for a while.
A wonderful way to ease into the process of becoming reacquainted with pleasurable bodily sensations is to take a warm bath. Be sure to have massage oils and a soft washcloth or sponge available. You may choose to light some candles or play music to enhance your sensual experience. Take the phone off the hook and let others know that you are not to be disturbed. Expect to spend at least 30 minutes with yourself. You’re going to use this time for relaxation and exploration.
Familiarize yourself with what your body responds to and how it likes to be touched. Move slowly and deliberately from one body part to the next, massaging your throat, breasts, underarms, inner elbows, belly, inner thighs, buttocks, back of your knees, and feet. Notice when you start to lose interest in what you’re doing. What is going on that leads you to dissociate from this experience? Can you make any connections between this experience and your tendency to shut down when you are with your partner?
Experiment with a variety of touching styles—a light, feathery caress; a deep, slow rub; a quick circular motion; or whatever else comes to mind. Which is sexiest to you? Massage oil onto your skin. How does this change the experience for you? Pour water over various body parts, or if you have a shower massager, experiment with different water pressures against your skin. Which feels best to you?
As you perform this exercise, pay attention to what makes you feel sexy and what methods of stimulation spark your sexual energy. See how deeply you can relax and let go.
Now that you’ve gotten a taste of the sort of self-exploration that you’ll be doing, you’re ready to move on to your next assignment. It involves an activity that many women enjoy: shopping!
First, take a trip to a lingerie shop. Once you are comfortable, choose a few sexy things to try on. You may be attracted to a particular style, or perhaps a color or type of fabric. Find something that feels sensual when you wear it. This is not for anyone’s eyes but yours. If you later decide to share your selection with your partner, that’s fine. But right now, you are pleasing only yourself. Try to purchase at least one item that challenges your impression of yourself sexually. That is, get a little crazy!
Next on the agenda is a trip to the grocery store. Your task is to identify at least four or five foods that feel sensual when you eat them. As with your choice of lingerie, your selections need to appeal only to you. Look for foods that have an alluring appearance, a seductive taste, or an erotic consistency. Imagine what you will feel as you eat them. Perhaps you derive the most sensual pleasure from sweet, juicy seasonal fruits such as cherries, strawberries, and peaches. Chocolate always is a favorite, as is ice cream. Wine and cheese definitely can create a seductive, sexy mood. Or maybe a steak on the rare side does it for you. Have fun and a sense of humor when filling your basket.
Finally, you’ll want to visit your local bookstore. There you will find a selection of erotic literature. Yes, you are in search of pornography. The civilized folks at the store probably label it “erotica”; they have shelves and shelves of it. Your task is to locate this section and choose something wonderful from it. Among my clients, the books with short stories written by women for women seem to be especially popular. Try not to be concerned about what the people at the checkout will think of your purchase. They probably have discovered this tantalizing reading for themselves!
Once you’ve stocked up on the necessary supplies, schedule an evening alone at a time when you won’t be interrupted. Make the final preparations for your own seduction. Consider what music you want to hear. Are scented candles in order? Indulge in whatever will enhance your efforts to feel sexually alive.
You may want to begin your evening with a warm bath or relaxation exercise to help distance yourself from the day’s events. Then combine your lingerie, food, and erotica in ways that please you. Be slow and passionate about it. Your goal is to make yourself feel good. Savor your sexiness. Welcome this part of you back into your life.
Many women with a diminished sex drive have lost touch with the sensual pleasure available to them through fantasy. This is unfortunate because fantasy can assist in reawakening sexual desire by reestablishing a connection to your body’s sexual response. What’s more, your particular fantasies can offer clues as to what you and your partner could do so that you feel more engaged in your sexual encounters.
Women can be self-conscious about developing an active fantasy life. Sometimes, they feel that their fantasies actually keep them from connecting with their partners. This can be true if a woman uses fantasy obsessively. That is, if it becomes her only method of sexual release, or if she depends on it when she is with her partner, she probably has taken it to an unhealthy level.
For most women, however, fantasy is a normal part of a healthy sex life and a valuable tool for enhancing libido. Anyone can further develop her use of fantasy, should she so choose. Even those who don’t visualize well can invent sexy story lines for themselves.
A first step in developing or enhancing fantasy is to create—preferably on paper—a scenario that you might find sexually interesting or exciting. You can use yourself as the main character, but if that feels too awkward, dream up a fictional heroine. Then write something risqué. You won’t have to show it to anyone, so why not experiment a bit? Make the story rich with detail. Consider what the key players look like, wear, and say to each other, and of course, how they act. Fine-tune your story to suit you perfectly. The beauty of fantasy is that it isn’t reality-based, so you can exercise some creative license. If you have difficulty coming up with your own plot, you may want to borrow a sexy scene from a book or a movie as a starting point.
Once you have your fantasy in writing, set aside some private time to enjoy it. You may want to begin your session with deep breathing and then move on to full-body muscle relaxation. (For descriptions of these techniques, see chapter 11.) Once you’ve achieved a focused, relaxed state, you can immerse yourself in your fantasy. As you do, touch yourself in any way that feels pleasurable. Adding this sensory experience can make your fantasy more sexually stimulating.
Some women have difficulty using fantasy for sexual enjoyment. Imagining a sexual encounter feels dirty or disgusting to them. They may struggle to think up plausible scenarios for themselves or to re-create their scenarios in their minds. More than likely, these women perceive something threatening about having fantasies, so they prevent themselves—albeit subconsciously—from doing so. Guilt, shame, and other negative emotions can complicate the pleasure of fantasizing.
We are unaware of a woman ever being unsuccessful at creating and enjoying her sexual fantasies if she is motivated enough to experience them. Common scenarios include making love in a new or risky environment, making love to more than one person at the same time, and being seduced by someone. We’ll explore the possibility of sharing your fantasy with your partner a bit later in the chapter.
Ready for more shopping? This time your assignment is to acquire some new sex toys. Regardless of how many (or how few) toys you already own, you can always find something different to experiment with. And thanks to the Internet, you no longer have the excuse that you are too embarrassed to go to a sex shop, or that you can’t find such a store in a safe neighborhood. (The resource section on page 312 includes several Web sites that you may find helpful.) Still, many women prefer to shop in person, so they can see what they’re purchasing.
When choosing your toys, remember that you are looking only to please yourself. Here again, we encourage you to challenge yourself. Allow yourself to be more adventurous than you are initially inclined.
A few words about vibrators are in order, as many women find them valuable in their efforts to reconnect with their sexuality. With a vibrator, you can experience constant stimulation at a level of intensity that is most pleasing to you.
Most women use vibrators externally, on the clitoris, though some also use them inside the vagina. Because the majority of nerve endings are located in the lower third of the vagina, focusing on this area may be most pleasurable. If you enjoy lots of stimulation, you might look for a vibrator that works internally and externally at the same time.
If you are just learning to climax, your best bet is an electric vibrator, which offers variable speeds. The advantage of variable speeds is that you can control the amount of stimulation you’re receiving. Generally, electric vibrators are more expensive. But because they don’t rely on battery power, they are more reliable, and they tend to last longer. They plug into any wall electrical outlet.
Keep in mind, too, that vibrators are made from different materials. Some are soft and feel more like a penis, and others are hard plastic. Usually, the hard plastic ones are less expensive, but they may not feel as comfortable. Also, because the plastic is porous, it could harbor bacteria. Vibrators made from silicone are not porous and thus may be considered safer from the standpoint of bacterial transmission. Regardless of the material you choose, you should clean your vibrator after each use.
For your first time with a vibrator, you may feel more comfortable trying it over your underwear. The fabric will buffer the intensity of sensation, allowing time to adjust to the stimulation.
Masturbation, with a vibrator or without, can be a valuable tool in reconnecting with your sexuality and reviving your sex drive. You can learn a lot about your sexual response by pleasuring yourself.
Many women with low libido masturbate on occasion. But most report a decline in their desire to masturbate—which is not a surprise, because they’ve experienced a decline in their desire for sex.
As with all of these exercises, you will need time and privacy to masturbate comfortably. We suggest that you begin by looking at your genitalia in a mirror. Perhaps you’ve done this before, but why not do it again? It will help familiarize you with your clitoris and clitoral hood, your vagina and labia, and your anus. Appreciate the beauty inherent in your body and the complexity of your sex organs. Notice how you feel as you study yourself. You’re collecting more information about how you experience your sexuality. If you’re uncomfortable, then you have work to do. You won’t be at ease sharing your body with your partner if you’re not at ease with yourself.
Masturbate when you feel comfortable and ready. Do not worry about whether or not you have an orgasm. Just concentrate on stimulating your genitals in a way that feels good to you. You may wish to involve other body parts, such as your breasts or other erogenous zones that seemed pleasurably sensitive during your self-massage. Make use of your new sex toys, your erotica, or anything else that may help engage you in the experience. Be as creative and free as you can.
You may want to take this opportunity to explore your G-spot, particularly if you haven’t discovered this erogenous zone before. It’s located through the upper front wall of your vagina. When you are aroused, the G-spot swells with blood and becomes even more sensitive. Some women report a sensation of having to urinate.
You can find your own G-spot by inserting a finger into your vagina while imagining that you are trying to massage your belly button. As with any part of the female anatomy, massaging the G-spot is more pleasurable for some women than for others. Some experience orgasm from this type of stimulation.
If you happen to climax, luxuriate in your sexual expression a while longer. Women too often assume that the “goal” of masturbation is orgasm, and once that’s achieved, the event is complete. Your sexual exploration need not be so regimented.
If you have difficulty reaching orgasm, or if you’ve never had one, a variety of issues may be at play. For example, hormones, medications, and physical illnesses may inhibit your ability to experience physical sensations. So, too, can your emotions, if they affect your willingness to give in to this type of pleasure. A number of self-help books provide a systematic and highly effective approach to becoming orgasmic. We’ve listed a few of our favorites in the resource section on page 309. You also might consider consulting a qualified sex therapist.
Before wrapping up our discussion of masturbation, let’s take a moment to explore multiple orgasms. Not all women have multiple orgasms, but most women can teach themselves how, if they want to. If you would like to have more than one orgasm at a time, you may want to practice without your partner first. Later on, you can teach him what you learn about yourself.
The key to multiple orgasms is constant stimulation. Some women are uncomfortable continuing with high levels of stimulation after they climax. If they’re masturbating, they stop touching themselves immediately. We suggest that you try touching yourself more gently for a while after your first orgasm. If you are using a vibrator, turn it to a lower speed. After a few moments, you may notice that you’re becoming aroused again.
As you continue the process of rediscovering your sexual self, you may decide to take a closer look at the physical connection between you and your partner. The two of you should begin your exploration on a nonsexual level, just as you did on your own.
First, consider the quality and frequency of the physical contact between you and your partner. How often do you touch each other? Do you hug, hold hands, rub each other’s back, or sit close together, enjoying your physical bond? Are both of you comfortable with the amount of physical interaction in your relationship?
Some women with low libido show no interest in nonsexual physical contact with their partners. They fear that their partners will interpret a positive response to any kind of touch as a desire to make love. They may feel that, having lost their libidos, they no longer want any degree of physical closeness with their partners.
For other women, the opposite is true. They believe their partners have no interest in sharing nonsexual touch with them. They attribute their low libido to a general lack of physical intimacy in their relationships.
In both cases, the cycle of limited physical contact must change for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship to take shape. Engaging in nonsexual touch that is pleasurable for both partners is a necessary step toward eventual sexual reconnection.
At this point, some couples agree to a sexual hiatus, during which they practice mutual nongenital touching over a period of time (perhaps a few weeks) without making love or experiencing orgasm. Therapists refer to this technique as sensate focus. It removes the pressure or expectation to perform sexually, allowing more freedom to engage in and concentrate on physical contact.
If you and your partner decide on a sexual hiatus, be sure to use the time in a healing way. You may be tempted to view it as a welcome reprieve from sex and not make an effort to engage your partner in physical exploration. This, however, essentially constitutes a manipulation of your partner, which will only increase the tension in your relationship. Approaching a sexual hiatus with this mindset is not in your best interest.
To make the most of a sexual hiatus, you and your partner should set aside a number of hours per week to experiment with touch. If you don’t schedule dates and times for this homework, other life issues are likely to take priority. Gather lotions, pillows, candles, feathers, a selection of music, and whatever else comes to mind that may help you and your partner relax and enjoy your experience together.
Be creative in the ways you touch each other. Try using physical contact to convey a variety of intentions, letting your mood set the tone for your interactions. You might be intense one evening, playful the next, loving or romantic another. Observe how these variations affect your response as well as your partner’s. Don’t limit yourself to one type of touch. Experiment with licking, biting, kissing, squeezing, and kneading each other’s body as well.
Also take the opportunity to find ways to reawaken each other’s senses. For example, just as you used food to tap into your own sensuality, consider a similar exercise with your partner. Take turns blindfolding each other and feeding each other a variety of luscious treats. Or climb into the tub for a sensual bath together. Or practice the art of couples massage, enrolling in a class or buying a video to explore various techniques. Obviously, these exercises require willingness on the part of both partners to evolve together, sharing new, intimate experiences in order to grow their sexual relationship.
Disclosing personal fantasies is an intimate activity that many couples find both risky and rewarding. Telling a partner about a particular fantasy is an act of trust and vulnerability. But if it upsets or threatens the partner, it can strain the relationship even further. If you would like to reveal a fantasy to your partner but you’re unsure of his response, you could “test the waters” first. For example, rent a movie that depicts a similar scenario and watch it together. You might gather some clues about your partner’s receptivity to what you’re fantasizing about.
If you continue to resist any physical connection with your partner, take some time to explore why. Addressing these feelings is important. If you force yourself to move further in your relationship than you feel comfortable, your situation will likely become more intolerable.
When you and your partner feel ready to move toward more sexual intimacy, you still may want to refrain from intercourse, at least initially. Instead, your next step is to engage in genital stimulation, without the goal of orgasm. Use your scheduled sessions to experiment with and experience a variety of genital touches. Don’t try to avoid or force an orgasm, as climaxing is essentially irrelevant at the moment.
See if you can open yourself to sensations that you previously considered “off limits.” That means taking some risks, so you are touching and being touched in ways that may intrigue or challenge you. By pushing your own boundaries, you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. This likely will translate to a level of intimacy that the two of you haven’t previously shared.
When you and your partner are ready to resume making love, try to bring that same sense of adventure to the experience. It is exceedingly easy to fall back into old, tired habits. Make an effort to change your sexual patterns. This can be anything—the environment you make love in, the clothes each of you wears, the sexual positions you use, the way your partner thrusts, the way you move and speak while receiving him, the level of eye contact the two of you maintain. Role-playing different scenarios can add intrigue to your interaction.
Try introducing an element of risk and excitement into your lovemaking sessions. This may mean different things to you and your partner. If you’re stumped for ideas, reflect on your sexual past, the moments in your life when you found sex exhilarating. What experiences stand out in your memory? Recall as much specific information about those occasions as you can. Where were you? What were you feeling in those moments of ecstasy? What was your partner doing to your body? What were you doing to your partner’s body? Now think about your favorite fantasies and answer the same questions.
These thoughts and memories can offer important insights into what can help spark your sexual desire now. Are you comfortable sharing similar experiences with your current partner, exposing yourself emotionally and physically in the same way? If you are unwilling to take such a risk, why? The answer to this question may reveal what is interfering with your libido.
Be aware that these exercises inevitably will create challenges for you and your partner. This is not a bad thing, because challenges present opportunities for change and growth. Use these points of disconnection to get to know each other better.
We also encourage women to speak up during their lovemaking sessions, especially when they become aware that they’re uncomfortable. For example, if you notice that you stiffen up when your partner moves from massaging your back to touching your breasts, talk with him about it. Explore what he can do to help you feel more at ease. By telling your partner when you are struggling, you ultimately have a much better chance of using that moment in a healthy, healing way. The alternative of not speaking up leads only to further distress and disconnection.
When couples enter therapy in an attempt to reconnect sexually, both partners usually must put forth significant effort to get this part of their relationship back on track. Linda and Chuck, an attractive couple in their early thirties, provide a perfect example of this process.
Linda and Chuck came to the Sexual Wellness Center seeking help for Linda’s low libido. Both were motivated to improve their sex life, although Chuck seemed reticent to discuss it in any specific way. Linda’s enthusiasm and motivation won him over, and he became a more willing participant after several therapy sessions.
Linda and Chuck described a sexual history that I (Dr. Brandon) had heard so many times before. They obviously valued their relationship from the word “go.” Linda described sex in the initial stages of their relationship as “simply incredible.” But in a quiet moment, she admitted that she had lost interest in sex even before she and Chuck had married.
Linda recalled that time in her life with pain in her eyes. She disclosed that she had been struggling at work, questioning her choice of career. She was depending on Chuck probably more than she should have been to keep her head above water. Because of this, she never told him about her dwindling sex drive. She tried to ignore it, hoping the problem would resolve itself over time.
Through the first few years of their marriage, Linda struggled to conceal her lack of sexual desire from Chuck. But eventually, that became too difficult, and the two of them began having sex less and less. When they made love, Linda didn’t enjoy it as much, and she considered faking orgasms to “speed things up.” She even tried it once, and it scared her. She decided to be honest with Chuck and seek help through therapy.
Chuck’s description of their sex life was less complicated. In his view, sex between him and Linda had been good at one time, but he had been feeling dissatisfied for several years. It seemed that Linda always avoided intimate contact with him. She was passive in bed, usually motionless and cold. She rarely touched him, and never initiated sex. Chuck’s polite observation was that Linda had a problem, and he wanted to support her in fixing it. He appeared hopeful that I would see this truth and “dismiss” him from couples work. I acknowledged Chuck’s comments but encouraged him to stay. On Linda’s insistence, he did.
As Linda became more comfortable in therapy, she had lots more to say. She described Chuck as being “lazy” sexually. Although he could be counted on to make sexual advances to her with some regularity, he was mechanical and uninteresting in bed. His approach was always the same, and Linda wasn’t even sure that he really enjoyed making love to her. She wondered out loud if he had sex simply because “it’s what married people do.”
Linda looked more and more angry. Chuck looked more and more confused. Between them, they were telling a story of two sexually disconnected human beings. Each was able to observe this tendency in the other, but neither was able to see it in themselves. I had faith that over time, both of them would see their own contributions to the dysfunction in their sex life.
Chuck needed some help with his sexual technique. Like most men, he had learned how to make love to a woman mostly from adolescent banter and pornographic movies. The sexual wisdom shared in these venues is minimal, not to mention the fact that most porn movies are intended to appeal to men, not women. Neither of these sources struck me as particularly insightful, and Chuck agreed.
Chuck’s homework was to read a book about how to sexually please a woman and enhance the lovemaking experience. (There are several great books on the subject, a few of which we’ve listed in the resource section on page 309.) I encouraged Chuck to pay attention to what turned him on as he read. He needed to become more aware of not only what Linda would enjoy but what he wanted as well.
As for Linda, I challenged her to become more interested in discovering what might please her. I suggested that she purchase an erotic video made exclusively for women. Generally, these deal with sex in a more loving context, and the actors engage in activities that appeal more to women than to men. (You can order such videos through the Web sites under “Sexual Aids” on page 312 of the resource section.) Linda was shocked by this assignment, though Chuck seemed pretty pleased with it. For the first time, he looked as though he was enjoying therapy. I also encouraged Linda to purchase some erotica written by women and make mental notes of which stories she liked and which she didn’t.
When they returned for their next session, Chuck was decidedly enthusiastic to be there. Linda, however, seemed more skeptical. She hadn’t noticed any improvement in her libido, despite following through with most of the homework I had given her.
I asked Linda to describe a typical sexual encounter with Chuck. It became clear that Linda still was physically stiff, expecting to hate or at least not enjoy sex. She said that they always stopped making love as soon as Chuck climaxed. For many couples, the man’s orgasm serves as a subconscious signal that sex is complete.
I started Linda on a course of relaxation training. She would never be able to fully enjoy a sexual encounter if she couldn’t relax her body. We also worked on changing her expectations about sex from “I’m sure I’m going to hate this!” to “I wonder how this is going to feel.” This cognitive technique assisted her in becoming more open to experiencing sex differently, rather than replaying the same old scenarios in her mind.
I challenged both Linda and Chuck to become less rigid about the end point of sex. They were to experiment with continuing their sex play after Chuck climaxed. Some creativity was called for.
When Chuck finished his book, we explored his sexual passivity from an emotional perspective. As an adolescent and young adult, he had gotten the message that sex would lead only to trouble. His parents believed that if he got a woman pregnant, it would ruin his life. His religion also denounced sexual relationships out of wedlock. Though these warnings about sex were intended to be in Chuck’s best interest, he was unable to let go of them as an adult, even when they no longer served him.
We also discussed Chuck’s tendency, if not obsession, to please others before himself. He felt safe in relationships only when he was taking care of others. Subconsciously, he believed that it would prevent people from leaving him. This approach to relationships negatively affected his sexuality, as he shut down his awareness of what actually pleased him. As a result, he was less able to enjoy making love to Linda, who in turn interpreted his passivity as disinterest.
The irony is, in an attempt to please Linda, Chuck wound up having the opposite effect. This is true for so many of us: What subconsciously drives our behavior often creates what we most fear.
Chuck wasn’t alone in contributing emotional baggage to their failing sex life. Linda was engaged in her own dysfunctional dance, the result of poor self-confidence. She realized that she had been depending on Chuck to make her feel good about herself, emotionally and sexually. This was an impossible task for Chuck, as much as he may have wanted to do it for her. Over time, Linda became angry with Chuck for not meeting her expectations of him. Because this anger was largely subconscious, she expressed it indirectly by not wanting to be intimate.
Linda and Chuck’s therapy had a happy ending. Both were motivated to understand themselves, and their relationship, in a clearer light. They were able to get not only their sex life but also their emotional connection back on track. They worked hard and felt proud of their accomplishments.
We’ve noticed that as women rediscover their sexual selves, they tend to expect a sudden return of their sex drives. But it isn’t like flipping a switch that allows your sexual energy to flow freely once again. Instead, you likely will experience a more gradual return, with many peaks and valleys. This means that some days you will feel more sexually interested, and other days you will feel as though you are slipping back to square one. This is the normal ebb and flow of becoming reacquainted with your sexual self.
Keep in mind that your libido always will remain sensitive to your physical and emotional experiences, as well as to the state of your relationship. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Being mindful of your degree of sexual interest offers regular opportunities to “check in” with yourself and your partner and to take care of any simmering issues. For most women, the sooner they attend to such issues, the easier they can stop a return to stuck sexual territory.
Fluctuations in your sexual interest, and in your partner’s, are to be expected throughout your lifetime. We urge you to talk about any changes you notice, so they’re out in the open. Keeping such information private generates only confusion and misunderstanding between partners.