All of us are aware of how easily our feelings about our bodies can interfere with our desire for sex. Though women of all shapes and sizes want and thoroughly enjoy sexual intimacy, those with poor body images may try to avoid any kind of intimate contact with their partners. The unfortunate reality is that our society actively encourages women to be uncomfortable in their own bodies. This issue has been getting a lot of attention lately, and it deserves further discussion here.
Our cultural standards ordain that adult women should have the bodies of tall boys and the breasts of no identified species, although we all know that this is a physical impossibility. Someone once said that about eight women in the world look like super-models, and about 3 billion don’t. Isn’t that the truth!
Nonetheless, the media continue to present starving, skeletal women as the epitome of perfection on TV, in the movies, and on magazine covers. No wonder eating disorders have reached epidemic proportions in this country. Women repeatedly receive the message that they must be young and without visible body fat to be considered desirable. This message can be particularly damaging for mature women, whose curvaceous bodies offer reminders of having lived, loved, and mothered over the years.
Many women feel most vulnerable when they are naked with their partners. If a woman is sensitive about her body with clothes on, she’ll be even more self-conscious with her clothes off—so much so that she may find ingenious and creative ways to prevent her partner from ever seeing her completely naked. Some women undress in the bathroom behind a closed door and, when making love, remain covered by the bed sheets. Others remove their clothing only after turning out the lights. Or they never disrobe at all, preferring to wear their nightgowns while making love.
What all of these women have in common is a sense of shame about their bodies. In their view, their physical appearance directly correlates to their value as human beings.
Some intriguing research on this topic has shown that when asked to describe themselves, a majority of women focus first on how they look. Take a moment to consider what this means about the importance of our physical appearance to our identities. Naturally, when our bodies do not match the cultural ideal, it can have a direct and potentially devastating impact on our self-worth.
Here’s another revealing research finding: When people were asked to rate themselves and their partners on perceived attractiveness, men consistently gave themselves and their partners higher scores than women did. In other words, men were more likely than women to judge themselves and their partners as physically appealing.
Interestingly, both genders report that they tend to focus more on the woman’s body than the man’s when making love. This creates a scenario in which a woman is self-consciously and negatively concentrating on her physical appearance during intercourse. She’s more likely to lose interest in sex as a result.
The external and internal pressure to fit a certain physical mold insidiously affects a woman’s sex life. Women become self-conscious not only about the size and shape of their bodies but also about the appearance of specific body parts. They fret that their breasts aren’t a firm and perfect size 36C, or that their waists exceed the ideal 24 inches. Such standards are nearly impossible to attain. Yet they become ingrained in a woman’s psyche, draining her self-esteem and her sex drive.
Women who become moms may be especially sensitive about the physical changes that occur during pregnancy and delivery. Stretch marks and varicose veins are common, as is the softening of the vaginal muscles. These kinds of changes can fuel a woman’s self-consciousness, especially if she had a poor body image to begin with.
If you identify with feeling distressed or embarrassed about your physical appearance—or about any aspect of your sexuality, for that matter—we urge you not to ignore it. Anxiety and shame have a way of gaining potency if they aren’t addressed. You may be able to work through your emotions by talking with your partner or a trusted friend, or by writing about them in a journal. Psychotherapy can help the healing process as well. On the other hand, choosing to remain silent probably will not provide the kind of relief that you need and deserve.
Fight back against the destructive societal ideologies that seek to subvert your right to a positive body image. Allow yourself to feel sexy and physically content. Revel in the genuine beauty of your body.
A precursor to reclaiming your sexual desire is being able to experience your body in pleasurable nonsexual ways. If you’re like most women, you readily focus on those things that are “flawed” or that don’t feel good. You’re more likely to be conscious of physical discomfort than physical gratification. But you can change that.
A good place to start is by intimately and lovingly exploring your own body. All you need to do is remove your clothing and stand in front of a full-length mirror. We know this may feel uncomfortable at first. But it’s vital to your personal growth and understanding.
Observe with compassion your softness, your firmness, your smoothness, your textures. Admire the curves of your breasts, stomach, buttocks, and thighs. Run your hands over your skin, feeling the uniqueness of each body part. Rather than criticize yourself, as most women readily do, make an effort to appreciate what you see and feel. Your body is an amazing machine. Respect it, and love it for the ways it serves you.
Use this exercise as motivation to love and enjoy your body every day. Create opportunities to indulge in pleasurable physical sensations. Take a deep breath, hold it, and then expel all the air from your lungs. Focus on the release, how it feels when you let go. Experiment with various fabrics in your wardrobe, paying attention to how they caress your skin. Paint your toenails and admire your handiwork. Stretch like a cat.
Be mindful of ways to feel good in your body. As you develop a more positive perception of your physical self, you’ll be able to balance and perhaps even set aside any negative thoughts and feelings that may be eroding your sexual desire.
If you continue to struggle to feel comfortable in your own skin, we strongly suggest that you consider what alternative health practitioners refer to as bodywork. Actually, this is an umbrella term applied to a category of disciplines that relax and heal the body through touch and physical manipulation. Examples of bodywork include therapeutic massage, Reiki (a form of energy healing with roots in Japan), acupuncture, chiropractic, and physical therapy.
At the Sexual Wellness Center, we encourage many of our clients to explore the benefits of bodywork in revitalizing their sex drives. Often they get more from their therapy sessions when they receive high-quality bodywork as well. It not only fosters a profound new sense of a woman’s physical self, it also seems to encourage the release of emotional pain, which in turn fosters receptivity to physical pleasure.
As in any profession, you’ll find considerable variation in the quality of care provided by the practitioners of bodywork disciplines. Be sure to do your homework. Ask for a referral from your physician or local hospital, or seek recommendations from family members or close friends. Once you find someone, get to know her and her practice before beginning treatment. You must have confidence and trust in this person to get the most from your bodywork sessions.
To enjoy making love, you must be able to relax and give in to the moment. Otherwise, you may find yourself thinking—and perhaps obsessing—about your body, rather than feeling and enjoying it.
When women have a difficult time relaxing, they might not be as sensitive to the subtle energies of their bodies. This can inhibit their sexual desire and response. In such cases, we recommend practicing some form of relaxation for a few minutes before making love.
Being able to relax is a skill that most of us must learn. A variety of techniques can help. Among the more popular options, which we will discuss briefly here, are deep breathing, meditation, full-body muscle relaxation, and guided imagery. If you want to learn more about any of these, we suggest picking up a copy of Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Wherever You Go, There You Are at your local library or bookstore.
Deep breathing is probably the simplest and quickest way to achieve a state of relaxation. Studies demonstrate that your muscles literally can’t remain tense when you breathe in a gentle, mindful manner. The key to using your breath to induce relaxation is to concentrate on inhaling and exhaling slowly and deeply. Many people find that counting as they breathe ensures that they maintain a slow, regular rhythm. Holding your breath for a few moments before exhaling can help as well.
If you want to try deep breathing, we recommend that you practice simply inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. When inhaling, imagine your stomach filling with air. Of course, the air is going into your lungs. But most people find that they are able to take in more per breath when they focus on the sensations in the stomach. Feel the walls of your abdomen expand as the air accumulates, then contract as the air leaves. If it helps, visualize a beach ball in your stomach, continuously inflating and deflating.
To start, inhale for a slow count of five, hold your breath for a count of two or three, then slowly exhale. Continue for 5 to 10 minutes. It may feel awkward initially, but with practice, you will notice an improvement in your lung capacity. You can keep adjusting the exercise to your ability and comfort level over time.
We suggest that you practice deep breathing at least once, and ideally twice, each day. Many of our clients prefer to incorporate it into their morning and evening routines. The beauty is, you can do your breathing exercises virtually anytime and anywhere. No one else need even notice. This means you can use deep breathing to control your level of anxiety, even in social or intimate situations.
As with all the relaxation techniques we discuss here, the more you practice deep breathing, the better you will get at it, and the more effective it will become over time. And if you spend a few minutes on your breathing exercises before a sexual encounter, we suspect that you’ll derive more pleasure from the experience.
Many cultures have embraced meditation in the pursuit of relaxation, spiritual enlightenment, and personal growth. It is among the oldest of the relaxation techniques, with roots in the ancient religious traditions of India, China, and Japan. Popular varieties of meditation include transcendental, zen, vipassana, and mindfulness.
Serious students of meditation will practice for many years under the supervision and guidance of a respected master. But you can reap its many proven benefits by practicing it on your own, as well, with written or taped instruction.
Much of the current research into the physiological and psychological advantages of regular meditation comes from the Stress Reduction Clinic of the University of Massachusetts Memorial Medical Center in Worcester. Founded by Dr. Kabat-Zinn, the clinic teaches mindfulness meditation and yoga techniques to people with a variety of medical conditions. Often these clients receive referrals from physicians at the medical center.
According to studies performed at the clinic, between 29 and 46 percent of the workshop participants show improvements in disease markers and symptoms. This includes 45 percent of patients with heart disease, 43 percent of those with high blood pressure, 25 percent of those with chronic pain, and 31 percent of those with stress-related complaints. These numbers are even more impressive when you consider how many people drop out or don’t follow directions in the course of a typical scientific trial.
Other studies—some published in respected scientific journals such as Science and the Journal of Behavioral Medicine—have linked an equally compelling array of health benefits to transcendental meditation (TM). People who regularly practice TM show increases in energy, creativity, and work performance and satisfaction, along with declines in depression, anxiety, irritability, and argumentativeness. TM also appears to reduce dependency on alcohol and drugs.
By now, you may be motivated to develop a daily meditation regimen for reasons besides improving your libido. We believe that the potentially positive impact on your health and quality of life are worth the necessary self-discipline and commitment.
If you’re new to meditation practice, try to set aside at least 10 uninterrupted minutes, preferably at the start of your day—even before eating or showering. Then you won’t have been pulled into the momentum of your daily routine. You may want to set a soft alarm to go off after 10 minutes, or play a blank tape that sounds a tone at the 10-minute mark. That way, you won’t need to open your eyes to check the time.
As you continue your practice, you may wish to increase your meditation sessions to 20 minutes twice a day. Some people meditate for 45 minutes or longer on a daily basis. Set a schedule that works for you. Just be careful not to overextend yourself, or you may not stick with it.
Most people prefer to sit while meditating, though some walk or lie down. The challenge with lying down, especially if you’re a beginner, is that you could fall asleep. With walking, you may have trouble clearing your mind, because of all the possible distractions.
You can improve your concentration by repeating a syllable or phrase, called a mantra, on each exhalation. Common mantras include “peace,” “love,” and “¯om.” Closing your eyes while meditating can have a similar effect, though some people prefer to focus their gaze on a particular object, such as the flame of a candle. Another option is to simply look at the floor, without focusing. Experiment with a variety of approaches, so you can identify what feels most comfortable for you.
We’ve decided to present a mindfulness meditation exercise here, because this particular technique seems to require the least instruction. The basic idea of mindfulness meditation is to concentrate on your breathing while observing and releasing your thoughts with an attitude of detachment. You can focus on the air entering and exiting your body through your nostrils, or on the expansion and contraction of your stomach muscles with each breath.
Whenever your mind wanders, return your attention to your breathing. You will be amazed at how often this happens when you’re meditating. And it’s completely normal. After all, your mind is always at work—planning, implementing, reviewing. You can easily become frustrated and question your ability to use meditation effectively. Just try to be patient with yourself.
Remember, too, that your job is not to stop the mental chatter; that may be all but impossible. Rather, you want to observe the chatter in a detached way, redirecting your thoughts to your breathing whenever you realize that they’ve drifted to something else. This is the key to mindfulness meditation. It’s about not letting negative thoughts dictate how you feel.
Through regular meditation practice, you will learn not only how to deepen the relaxation of your body but also how to stay in the present. Many women find this helpful as they become more attuned to their bodies while making love. Although we are not aware of any research examining the effects of meditation on libido, we suspect that as stress and anxiety subside, your mind and body become more receptive to sex.
Full-body muscle relaxation is a wonderful technique for attending to your physical self in a loving, restful way. It is best practiced lying down, while wearing comfortable clothing or perhaps nothing at all. The basic idea is to systematically tense and then relax all the major muscle groups throughout your body. By first tensing your muscles, the theory goes, you are able to generate and appreciate a deeper state of relaxation.
Take a moment to turn the lights down and make yourself comfortable, lying on your bed or perhaps a couch. Some people like to precede a session of full-body muscle relaxation with a few minutes of deep breathing, as described earlier.
Begin by focusing your attention on your scalp and forehead, tightening the muscles by forcefully wrinkling the skin in these areas. Imagine the muscles shrinking, their surface rough from the strain. Hold for a count of five. Then let go, and imagine the muscles becoming long and smooth from the lack of tension. Experience and enjoy the feeling of release before moving on.
Next, shift your attention to the muscles in your face, including your eyelids, cheeks, mouth, and chin. Create tension in these muscles by grimacing, holding your expression for a count of five. Imagine how these muscles must look under your skin, all bumpy and shrunken from the strain. Then imagine the smoothness and softness of the muscles as you relax. Bask in the exquisite tranquility of the moment.
After your face, continue working through the remaining muscle groups in the following order: neck, shoulders, right upper arm, right lower arm, right hand and fingers, left upper arm, left lower arm, left hand and fingers, upper and lower back, buttocks, chest, stomach, pelvis, right upper leg, right lower leg, right foot and toes, left upper leg, left lower leg, and finally, left foot and toes. When you are finished, spend some time simply lying still and observing your body in its fully relaxed state.
Expect to spend about 20 to 30 minutes on this exercise. Some of our clients prefer to do it just before going to bed, though others have reported falling asleep and thus never getting to all their muscle groups. Plan to practice regularly, at least several times a week, if you want the benefits of full-body muscle relaxation to ultimately improve your libido.
Guided imagery presents an opportunity to use your senses—sight, hearing, touch, smell, and taste—to achieve deep relaxation. Often it is paired with deep breathing or full-body muscle relaxation, which further enhances the relaxed state. Your goal is to create a pleasurable mental image that you can “revisit” whenever you need to, particularly if negative thoughts or feelings are interfering with your sex drive.
If you wish to try guided imagery, your first task is to identify a setting that you find particularly stress-free. It can be a place that exists, or one that’s a product of your imagination. Often people choose somewhere they have been before, so they can conjure a clear picture in their minds. A few of the more popular locations include the beach, an island, a mountaintop, a forest, or even a childhood bedroom. Choose whatever feels most relaxing, safe, and peaceful for you.
Once you’ve identified a particular setting, you want to mentally guide yourself through the experience of being there. Begin by focusing on what’s around you. Don’t just look in front of you; imagine turning your head to the right and left, looking up at the sky or ceiling, looking down at the earth or floor. Create a three-dimensional image of your surroundings. Allow ample time to notice everything.
When you’re ready, bring your other senses into the scene. What do you hear? Wind blowing, waves crashing, crickets chirping, music playing? Notice how the sounds vary as time passes. What do you smell? The earthiness of the forest, or the sweetness of flowers nearby? Do you taste anything, such as salt in the ocean air? What do you feel? The softness of the sand beneath you, or the crispness of a breeze on your skin? A soft blanket wrapped around your body, or the sun’s warm rays on your face? Continue to immerse yourself in the image, enjoying the pleasurable sensations it produces.
Some of our clients prefer to record audiotapes to help guide them through their favorite images. If you decide to make a tape, be sure to allow a few minutes at the end to luxuriate in the mental space you’ve created. Once you’re comfortable with guided imagery, you may want to move on to a more sexual scenario like the one described in chapter 16. In this way, you can train your body to pair relaxation with sexual desire and response.