If emotions are what you feel, then intellect is what you think. And what you think—not just about sex but about everything else in life—has a direct impact on whether you desire sex.
As you’ll see in this chapter, your intellectual health is as much a product of your heritage and upbringing as of your own mind. It encompasses your beliefs and values, your habits and behaviors, your interests and opinions.
Women who are intellectually healthy are engaged in and energized by the world around them. They have a strong sense of purpose and of self. This permeates all aspects of their lives, including their sexuality. They’re aware of their sexual needs and preferences, and they’re comfortable sharing this information with their partners.
But these women probably would not be so interested in their sexual satisfaction if they felt ambivalent about the rest of their lives. They manage to maintain a level of stimulation and satisfaction by engaging their minds in positive, productive ways. Boredom, the alternative, does not foster the same sense of vitality. When we feel bored with life, we more than likely will feel bored with sex.
Incidentally, finding intellectual fulfillment does not necessarily involve educational pursuits. We can engage our minds through all kinds of activities—for example, art, music, dance, sports, and other methods of creative expression. As long as something piques our interest, it feeds our intellect.
Consider what engages you in your world. What draws you, beckoning your involvement? What do you enjoy?
If you have difficulty answering these questions—or if you find yourself thinking “Who has time for this stuff?”—your intellectual self is likely out of balance. Making room in your life for activities that interest you feeds your mind and your soul. You’re able to energize yourself, to take something for yourself, so that you are not involved in a perpetual cycle of giving, which can lead to depletion.
Some women haven’t felt intellectually stimulated in such a long time that they simply don’t know what interests them. In our society, women are so entrenched in caring for others that they frequently lose touch with themselves, their needs, and their wants. If you identify with this dilemma, don’t despair. Start by thinking about what engaged you in the past. Consider this question: If you had other lives to live, how might you use them? Your answer may point to a new activity that you could explore.
Perhaps you are aware of what you would find exciting, but you’re embarrassed to tell anyone else or afraid to try something new. Keep in mind that taking such a risk will likely pay the greatest dividends for your intellectual self. As a result, you will probably benefit sexually as well. After all, your brain functions as a major sexual organ!
Just as intellectual stimulation makes you feel engaged in your world, it also makes you feel engaged in your relationship. In general, it is difficult for a couple to share an exciting sex life for an extended period of time unless both partners appeal to each other in nonsexual ways.
To nurture an intimate bond with your partner, the two of you must build an intellectual connection as well as a physical one. This could mean participating in activities that you both enjoy. It could also mean finding pleasure in easy conversation, common parenting goals and values, or vacations together. Essentially any meaningful shared experience can contribute to intellectual bonding.
It isn’t unusual for a woman with a diminished sex drive to notice a decline in the intellectual stimulation she derives from her relationship with her partner. As you assess your intellectual connection with your partner, consider how you might cultivate interesting new experiences together. Just as you grow personally, how might you and your partner grow as a couple? What activities have the two of you contemplated but never followed through on? Scuba diving, a travel adventure, or swing dancing lessons, perhaps? Even something as simple as trying an exotic cuisine or restaurant can add spark to your intellectual bond.
As you and your partner contemplate your options, make an effort not to be restrictive by vetoing each other’s suggestions. Gently pushing each other to explore something new can help cultivate a renewed interest in your relationship, which in turn can help revive your libido.
All of us hold complex thoughts and beliefs about our ourselves and our sexual partners that affect our libidos. We may not even be conscious of the myriad ways in which we view ourselves, our partners, and our sexuality. Some of these perceptions developed when we were very young; they’ve been a part of us for so long that we don’t pay much attention to them.
Few of us know ourselves as well as we would like to believe. In order to have an intimate relationship with your partner, you must first have an intimate relationship with yourself. You will let someone else get only as close as you already know and are comfortable with yourself. So let’s take some time to explore your thoughts and beliefs more deeply.
But first, a word of caution: Embarking on this journey requires not only curiosity but also a sense of humor. Taking yourself too seriously can shut down the process of self-exploration. By adopting a lighter approach, you can achieve a deeper level of knowing. The more you know about yourself, the better you’ll understand why you lost your libido, and what you must change to get it back.
Let’s begin by examining the thoughts and beliefs that could be preventing you from wanting and enjoying sex. It might be helpful to evaluate your views of mature female sexuality in general, because they influence your desire for sex.
Much of your understanding of your sexual self is rooted in your childhood and the information you accumulated as you grew up. This information carries the bias of the people who provided it—more than likely your parents. Keep in mind that your parents taught by what they said as well as by how they behaved. You know the old adage “Actions speak louder than words”? Well, it certainly holds true with regard to sex.
For example, regardless of what your mother may have told you (or not have told you) about sex, you subconsciously learned how she perceived her own sexuality by observing her. And you will hold her perceptions as your own unless you make a conscious effort to identify your own belief system.
Remember, too, that your mother learned about sex in the same way you did. So, for example, if she was raised to be ashamed of her sexuality—which was not uncommon for women of her generation—chances are she conveyed that same message to you, even if she didn’t intend to.
To help understand how your parents’ views of sex have shaped your own, consider these questions.
By exploring the origins of your current belief system, you may come to appreciate how your past learning has influenced—and perhaps limited—your interpretation of your sexuality and your desire for sex. Then you can ask yourself this: Do these beliefs fit you and work well for you? Or do they really belong to someone else?
Elizabeth’s story offers an example of how powerfully the thoughts and beliefs we’re exposed to as children can affect our sexual experiences as adults.
From a very young age, Elizabeth had been “taught” that sex is bad. Her parents conveyed this message in both subtle and obvious ways. For example, they never touched each other, or even hugged each other, in their children’s presence. They never talked about sex or bodily issues in general. Elizabeth learned about her period—a milestone in her developing femininity—from her gym teacher rather than from her mother.
Elizabeth recalled one particular occasion when her mother accidentally walked in while she was masturbating. They never discussed the incident, but from the repulsed look on her mother’s face, Elizabeth knew without a doubt that she had been caught doing something horrible. That night, she prayed that if God would forgive her, she’d never touch herself again.
Elizabeth described her mother’s insistence that she wear skirts that fell only well below her knees. She admired her classmates’ more fashionable clothes, which her mother considered indecent. Yet she never asked why. She trusted that her best interests were at heart.
Though Elizabeth’s mother played a major role in shaping her sexuality, her father was a factor, too. The more womanly her body grew, especially during her high school years, the more uncomfortable he became. She was no longer the little girl he had protected and provided for.
Elizabeth’s father grew distant in those years. Her maturing sexuality tapped his deepest anxieties. From him, Elizabeth subconsciously got the message that her sexuality made men nervous, that it made them want to disconnect from her.
Elizabeth claimed to understand that masturbation isn’t sinful, and that sex between consenting adults can be a pleasurable activity, but her behavior revealed her true thoughts and beliefs. Tearfully, she acknowledged that she felt dirty when she tried to become aroused with her husband. She believed that respectable women don’t enjoy sex.
Elizabeth had backed herself into a corner. She wanted to have a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship with her husband, but she was reluctant to express her sexuality. Under such circumstances, her libido was unlikely to return.
Consider how your own upbringing may be influencing your views of female sexuality and your desire for sex. From observing your mother, for example, you may have learned that women become less sexual as they age, or that a mature woman shouldn’t revel in her sexuality. Or if your father showed any discomfort with your mother’s sexuality, you may have subconsciously determined that men disconnect from women who are overtly sexual.
Look for any similarities between the current sex life of you and your partner and that of your parents at the same stage in their relationship. You may be surprised by the extent to which couples tend to mimic the sexual behavior of their elders.
Just as our parents help shape our thoughts and beliefs about sex, so does our society in general. Unfortunately, it promotes an attitude toward women and their sexuality that is counterproductive to a healthy libido.
In particular, our society continues to perpetuate the notion that women are primarily nurturers. We expect a mature woman to devote herself to giving attention to and taking care of others, as opposed to herself receiving attention from and being taken care of by others. But when she focuses on others, she has little energy to explore and experience her own passions. What’s more, if she feels selfconscious about stating her nonsexual needs, she certainly won’t feel comfortable expressing her more personal, sexual ones.
Our society defines the “perfect” woman as young, attractive, successful, and nurturing to all. In doing so, it fails to acknowledge the reality of her needs. When girls are taught to care for others before themselves, they learn to make themselves a low priority. Some women internalize this message to such a degree that they understand sex only in terms of giving rather than receiving. They effectively switch off their sexuality and disconnect from their bodies. In doing so, they lose touch with their libidos, as well as their sense of the appropriateness of their desire for sexual fulfillment.
Thankfully, attitudes toward women and their “role” in our society appear to be mellowing with each successive generation. But much work remains to be done in order for experiences and expressions of sexuality to be as acceptable for women as they are for men.
This is not to suggest that men have been spared the burden of societal expectations and obligations. For example, just as women are pegged as nurturers, men are pigeonholed as tough and emotionless. We discourage the display of feelings by our male children, and we ridicule it in our grown men. Instead, we want them to work long and hard to support their families, and we don’t want to hear them complain about it.
The point is, both men and women must grapple with stereotypes that don’t necessarily serve their best interests. It requires strength of character for all of us to evaluate these belief systems and determine which ones we feel are appropriate and which ones we choose not to adopt for ourselves.
Our society interferes with libido in other ways as well. We tolerate, if not encourage, a pace of life that makes intimacy between partners a near impossibility. We expect adults to work 50-plus hours each week; raise healthy, happy children; keep fit physically; and maintain relationships with family and friends—all while having fantastic sex lives! Choosing to be a full-time mom doesn’t make life any less hectic. It’s no wonder that so many women find their interest in sex waning. If they lack the energy to nurture and regularly attend to themselves and their relationships, their libidos will suffer.
Consider, too, what our society teaches about the effects of aging on female sexuality. Most of us are painfully aware of the unfortunate and ill-informed notion that women lose their sensuality and sexual attractiveness as they get older. (We discuss this further in chapter 21.) Do you perceive yourself as less sensual now than when you were younger? Do you believe that your sexual attractiveness is dependent upon your chronological age? How has Hollywood’s depiction of mature sexy women (or lack thereof) influenced your attitude toward aging and female sexuality?
If you accept these harmful societal ideologies as fact, you are most likely harming yourself by undermining your sexual self-esteem and your experience of sexual pleasure. You need to ask yourself this: Do you feel comfortable with society’s constraints? Are you willing to forfeit your sexuality as you mature?
Our guess is probably not. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this book! But unless you’re able to wean yourself from society’s belief system and form your own, it will continue to color your sexual attitudes and behaviors, and your sexual desire.
Recognizing how various outside forces have contributed to your thoughts and beliefs about your sexual self is the first step toward making the sorts of changes necessary to foster a healthy libido. Moving forward with these changes requires a conscious commitment on your part. In other words, you must set your mind to accomplishing change in order to start the wheels in motion. It won’t happen without effort and determination.
Once you’ve acknowledged your intent to make a change, your next step is to decide which thoughts and beliefs to keep and which to discard. This is your opportunity to make your sexuality your own. Ask yourself: What is the reality I want to create for myself? What are the thoughts and beliefs I need to embrace?
To help reinforce your new mindset about your sexual self, we suggest reciting your thoughts and beliefs as affirmations. These simple, positive statements actually help “rewire” your brain, so your thought patterns and belief systems become automatic. As they do, your libido will return, too.