Bringing spirituality to your sexual encounters is all about being in the moment. Rather than critiquing your performance (or your partner’s) or trying to change your sexual style, you let go and allow the interaction to follow its own course.
This doesn’t mean allowing your mind to drift to other things—a looming deadline at work or the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room. You want to stay present, focusing your attention on each touch, each caress, each kiss. Even if you’re following a familiar lovemaking pattern, you might experience new, pleasurable sensations. Seize the opportunity to enjoy them.
Do you and your partner tend to rush through lovemaking, cruising through foreplay to intercourse? Make a conscious effort to slow your pace. This deepens the intensity of the experience as well as the spiritual connection between you and your partner. It also puts greater emphasis on foreplay, which can help if you’re trying to revive your libido. In effect, the “appetizer” becomes as spiritually nourishing and satisfying as the “main course.”
Achieving spirituality through sex takes practice, especially if you tend to mentally or emotionally disconnect during sexual encounters—a common occurrence among women with a diminished sex drive. In that case, we recommend experimenting with exercises and techniques drawn from the ancient Eastern disciplines of Tantrism and Taoism. Both advocate an awareness and manipulation of one’s life force, which in turn fosters an expanded consciousness, a sense of timelessness, and a “oneness” with one’s partner and the universe.
Tantrism and Taoism share similar views of sex and sexuality as well. Both describe making love as a divine act in which each partner plays a sacred role. They prescribe rituals to enhance the sexual experience—things like perfuming one’s body; wearing beautiful, seductive garments; and creating a sacred space with pillows, candles, and other comforts.
Following Tantric and Taoist teachings, each partner should treat the other with utmost respect and gentleness. And both partners achieve sexual fulfillment by engaging all parts of the body, not just the genitals. For example, Tantra identifies multiple erogenous zones on the female body—the vulva, buttocks, and breasts as well as the eyes, lips, nape of the neck, throat, arms, hands, and feet.
This is why we recommend Tantric and Taoist techniques to our clients with low libido, even if they are not looking to cultivate a more spiritual sex life. These techniques help create a sexual ambience that may pave the way to more and better sexual encounters.
Tantrism’s roots in India extend thousands of years into the past. It is considered a philosophy as well as a science, an art, and a way of life. The goal of Tantric exercises is to awaken kundalini, the essential life energy. Kundalini lies dormant for most of our lives. Those who are serious students of the tantra typically prepare for years to release the powerful kundalini forces within.
According to Tantric teachings, masculine and feminine energies are both present in all of us. Their healthful expression and interaction leads to liberation from human limitations. Making love is a valued medium for uniting these energies and freeing ourselves.
If you and your partner are open to trying Tantric techniques during lovemaking, we recommend starting with some basic breathing and relaxation exercises, like those described in chapter 11. Once the two of you achieve a calm, peaceful inner state, you will be more ready to connect with each other in a sexual—and spiritual—way.
One gentle but powerful Tantric technique involves matching your partner’s breathing, and vice versa. For this exercise, one person lies quietly, breathing at a comfortable rate. Then the other person adopts the same breathing pattern. Looking into each other’s eyes during this exercise can increase the spirituality of the experience.
With another Tantric technique, you learn to “open” your heart and mindfully exchange love with your partner. Begin by sitting naked, facing each other. Imagine your heart opening up, so that you are able to give and receive love more freely. Then imagine exchanging this love with your partner while you hold him in your gaze. Many couples find this exercise intensely emotional and spiritual. They say that it heightens their sense of intimacy during lovemaking.
Taoism, like Tantrism, dates back thousands of years. The Chinese developed this discipline to guide people in maintaining or increasing their inner energy or life force, called chi. Taoism uses a variety of techniques to build chi, including physical activity, a balanced diet, proper breathing, yoga, meditation, massage, and eye contact. This, in turn, unites and harmonizes the female (yin) and male (yang) energies found in each one of us.
In Taoism, men learn how to delay orgasm and how to achieve orgasm without ejaculating. In this way, they may effectively maintain their life force while enabling their partners to experience more-satisfying sex.
Taoism also encourages men and women to strengthen their pubococcygeal, or PC, muscle. This is believed to intensify the sexual experience for both partners and to enhance ejaculatory control in men. The PC muscle stretches from the pubic bone to the anus; it contracts rhythmically during orgasm. You can find it by stopping your urine flow in midstream.
These days, the exercises that strengthen the PC muscle are known as Kegels. Most texts recommend starting with 20 Kegels a day, repeatedly tightening and relaxing the PC muscle. You can increase the number of repetitions over time.
Practicing Kegels on a regular basis will enhance your sexual arousal by increasing blood flow to your genitals, intensifying sensitivity in that area. In this way, Kegels can be quite helpful for improving your sex drive and strengthening your orgasms. In fact, we recommend them to all of our clients with low libido.
If you choose not to try the Tantric and Taoist techniques described above, ask yourself why. Do they make you uncomfortable? Do you find them bizarre?
People who balk at such intimate exchanges with their partners usually do so for a reason. That is, if you resist the opportunity to achieve a deeper level of intimacy with your partner, you probably are holding back in other aspects of your sexuality.
Why are you reluctant to explore this new sexual territory with your partner? Are you embarrassed to initiate the exercises? Do you worry about how your partner will respond to you or what he’ll think of you? Are you afraid of how you will react to the exercises yourself? If you identify with any of these concerns, it likely is interfering with your sexual expression and enjoyment. In that case, you need to address the underlying issues before you can embrace spirituality in your sexual relationship. Celeste’s story offers a good example.
A vibrant, intelligent woman, Celeste had been happily married for 13 years to Dennis, a man she described as her soul mate. When she spoke about her husband, her dark eyes sparkled and her face brightened.
Celeste was hoping to use therapy to enhance her sexual experience with Dennis. She felt that something was lacking between them sexually. “No bells and whistles go off when I climax,” she frowned. “Shouldn’t sex be more than just ‘okay’? It just isn’t that much fun anymore.”
Celeste wanted more for herself sexually. She wanted to want her husband again. She appeared comfortable with her body and was able to answer questions about her sex life with minimal embarrassment. But when we discussed the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of her life, she came up short on spirituality. “I’m not even sure what ‘spiritual’ means,” she said. “I’m not much into religion, I can tell you that.”
I (Dr. Brandon) encouraged Celeste to consider what might be in it for her to further explore her spiritual side. We talked generally about her understanding of life and specifically about the things that bring meaning and purpose to it. We also discussed using Tantric techniques to enhance her sexual experience.
At first, Celeste tried to humor me. She respectfully stated that she would consider such exercises but that she had been hoping for something with a little more impact. “I want to explode sexually, not fall asleep,” she said with a smile.
I asked her to bear with me, as what she had learned from society about great sex would not be helpful in her current situation. That is, the American ethos of “faster is better” has limited applicability in the bedroom. Mindful, loving sexual expression would be a more effective means to the explosive end that Celeste wanted. Slowing things down was in fact a surefire way to speed things up again. She looked skeptical, but she agreed to experiment.
Celeste came back a week later looking dejected. Although Dennis was willing to participate in her “homework,” she felt too self-conscious to press the issue with him. They tried a few of the exercises, but they quickly came to the conclusion that they were searching for something different.
We explored what was happening for her, why she was reacting so negatively to what could have been a fun experience. Celeste thought for a while before she reached her conclusion: She felt uncomfortable being so intimate with Dennis. Looking into his eyes for a long period of time left her feeling exposed and embarrassed. And she wasn’t sure she wanted him looking at her that way. She again petitioned for different exercises. The ones I had suggested simply were not working for her.
I suggested that Celeste bring her husband to our next session. I hoped that Dennis would be less afraid of deepening their emotional and spiritual connection, and hence be an ally in the process.
Dennis turned out to be the warm, loving man that Celeste had described to me. But he, too, was skeptical about embracing this sexual “adventure.” We discussed the likelihood that if they continued to limit their homework to what felt comfortable, they wouldn’t learn anything new about themselves or their relationship. After all, if it were comfortable, they probably would have tried it already. This made sense to them, and they left my office with new enthusiasm.
Over the next several months, Celeste and Dennis continued with the Tantric breathing and imagery techniques. They even took classes at a local Tantric center.
Their spiritual journey was not without challenges. Both of them struggled with trust and control and with their personal perceptions of “letting go.”
But at the end of her therapy, Celeste sat in my office with newfound grace. Her delightful energy remained, but her confidence was stronger than before. She laughed as we reminisced over her initial reluctance to explore a spiritual connection with Dennis. By opening up spiritually, she found the sexual fulfillment she had been searching for.
Numerous books provide further instruction in using Tantrism and Taoism to achieve a more spiritual union with your sexual partner. We recommend The Art of Sexual Ecstasy, by Margo Anand; you can find others in your local bookstore. Practicing the techniques of these ancient disciplines can increase your awareness of your sexual self and support your efforts to improve your libido.
Be aware, though, that even people who practice these techniques on a regular basis don’t find every sexual encounter to be a spiritual one. Some will be more profound than others.