CHAPTER ELEVEN

How to Charm Your Husband

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy. They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

—MARCEL PROUST

I AM ON THE TRAIN, THE TGV, TRAVELING FROM Agen north to Paris. It’s a little after noon, and I notice how all my fellow passengers have left their seats. I realize I’m hungry, and so I find my way to the dining car, and there I find a line full of French people talking and gesturing. There is a part of me—the American part of me—that thinks, Oh, maybe I should come back later when it’s less crowded. But then, I don’t want to miss this French scene. And it is a scene. The guy behind the counter is laughing and joking with everyone, and the mood is truly festive.

When it’s finally my turn, I begin ordering in hesitant French and he tells me, in really good English, that he lived in New Orleans for many years and he speaks fluent English. Small world, is all I can think. We have a lovely exchange about the jazz festival, Café Du Monde, beignets, and if I’d like something to drink with my little Caesar salad. No one in the line seems to mind the fact that the little conversation holds up the business of ordering lunch for a tiny bit. In fact, a man to my right seems to forget all about his lunch and wants to practice his English with us.

Once I have my salad, I have the choice to bring my tray back to my seat, which is only one car away, or to stay in the dining car and sit on a little stool by one of the crowded counters. Of course, I choose to stay. This is where it’s all happening, after all.

Now, truthfully, the salad is nothing special. It’s nice enough. And I do love the little bottles of oil and vinegar. There is a certain charm to this, but again, nothing to write home about. What is delightful is the sense of camaraderie among my dinner partners and the elegance of being in public and eating lunch with a group, even though I am actually dining alone.

I think there is something in our American sensibility that actually likes eating alone. I’m not sure what it is, but I see people going through the McDonald’s drive-through at three in the afternoon. It is not lunchtime or dinnertime. But maybe that’s the appeal—that fierce independence that says, I’m free! I can eat a meal any time I feel like it! Plus, there’s the car and the drive-through. The only ones who will know what you’re up to (extra-large chocolate milk shake?) are you and your maker. (The maker of the chocolate milk shake, that is. Not your maker.)

PRIVATE LIVES

In America, it would seem, we have made the public private and the private public. We wear our sweats and sometimes even our pajamas to the supermarket. We dine alone or in the car or in a dark room in front of the blue light of the television. Oh, and sometimes we wear our lingerie in public.

I actually have no objection to the last part—wearing lingerie in public—as long as it’s a fashion statement and layered with something elegant, such as a smoking jacket. French women know that we need that important balance between sexy and classic and public and private.

This applies not simply to how we dress and dine, but also to how we fan the flames of our marriage or love affair. We must create and keep a clear delineation between what happens in public and what happens in private. French women are brilliant at maintaining a certain separateness and dignity, even in their private lives. They will wear pretty silk pajamas at home. Many French women have a separate dressing room/bath area. They do not ever “let themselves go,” but rather they will hold themselves in and maintain an air of mystery. French women know that this is not only the way to charm, it’s also how we can keep the tension in our romance.

Yes, tension. This notion of keeping tension in your relationship might make you feel anxious on the surface, but the truth is, tension comes from uncertainty, and uncertainty is actually your friend when it comes to yearning and desire. The truth is, too much closeness and familiarity with your partner is actually not good for your marriage. Your man is with you because you intrigued him. He wanted to get to know you better. And now, just because you are together doesn’t mean the intrigue should stop. Both you and your man are constantly evolving. And this is what keeps your romance alive—this sense of the unknown.

CREATING RITUALS

Not too long ago, my new friend Marine from Duvelleroy in Paris told me a little secret about how French women keep their men intrigued throughout the years. She explained how we can create certain associations in our men’s imagination. For example, when your man goes to a coat closet to fetch your coat, he will find himself inhaling the fragrance of your perfume on your scarf. Or, whenever he sees your signature color, whether it’s blue or green or pink or orange, he will think of you. Even simple gestures like the click-click-click of your heels on pavement will make him think of you. You see, men are sensory creatures, and so everything you do and all your little routines and special signifiers are creating memories and mysteries that hold his intrigue.

This is the power of the tender push and pull between the familiar and the strange, the known and the unknown, the public and the private. Still, it’s a dichotomy, because on one hand, we need to maintain mystery, and on the other hand, we need to create delicious associations. But here’s another way to think about it: your man is hungry, and he can smell that roast in the oven, mysteriously simmering. He’d love to open the door, but truthfully, it’s in both of your best interests not to let him take a taste until the roast is fully cooked and ready and his appetite has grown to the peak point of desire.

I’ll go a little further with the metaphor. The roast is familiar and warm and pleasing, but the waiting and the not-knowing is the mystery. The appetite and the yearning for a taste is the tension. You need all three ingredients—mystery, yearning, and the familiar—to keep the love strong in your marriage.

MARRIAGE: CHARM SCHOOL FOR ADVANCED LEARNERS

It’s not always easy to maintain separateness and mystery. Inevitably, through the years, a certain amount of tension will disappear. And then the fact that marriage is a promise, a commitment, can create a little challenge in keeping romance from feeling like a cage d’amour. Yes, the promise of love is both wonderful and a little challenging. We don’t want a love affair to devolve into a kind of casual sibling-style relationship, and yet we want our love and trust and deep and abiding friendship to grow over the course of many years—even while knowing that there are no guarantees in life.

How do French women do this? It’s really very simple. French women go out into the world. They do not succumb to the lure of online shopping (at least not as much as many Americans), but rather they will walk to the market and the boulangerie on a daily basis. They will stop and talk to friends and neighbors along the way. They participate in local festivals and community activities. They will participate in the theater of life and “make a showing” on a daily basis.

Remember Nancy? She’s my Estée Lauder friend who has been living in Paris for the past thirty years. She recently told me about her experiences watching her two daughters in the park on Saturdays. “It’s Saturday,” she explains, “and the women have their make-up on and are even better dressed than they are during the work week—if that’s possible!”

In France, there’s no Casual Friday or even a Casual Saturday, and this is because dressing well is not only pleasurable for the one wearing something pretty, but also for anyone who is watching from the sidelines in the parks or in the café. Dressing well is a way to add some wind to your sails and certainly your man will take notice when you return home with an air of mystery, having left an unknowable amount of desire in your wake.

EVEN THE FURNITURE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU

It is springtime in Paris, and everywhere I look I see tassels. I think I’ve become obsessed with tassels. I find them on earrings, key chains, on the backs of shoes, and most of all—on the French furniture. The tassels come in all different sizes and colors. Some are aqua blue and some are hot pink. I keep seeing beautiful old French chairs with gold tassels and blooming with little rosettes and the most intricate embroidered trimmings. I ask Beatrice about this, and she nods at me with a knowing expression and whispers “Ah, this is passementerie. It’s very French.” I would love to come home from Paris with a tasseled chair, but since I really can’t—at least not on this trip—instead I buy a souvenir hot pink tasseled key chain. On La Belle Farm, we still have the original 1820 skeleton key, and so I attach it to the key chain and place it in the door as a decoration.

This might sound completely incongruous—a hot pink tasseled key chain on an early American door—but it’s not. Honestly, it goes with the house. And it’s sexy. Besides the two hot pink faux–Louis XVI chairs, that’s the only hot pink in the house. Honest!

The point is, even your home can be a place that subtly (or perhaps not-so-subtly) conspires to keep your romance alive and well. Your home is a kind of theater set for your play. You might ask yourself—do I want to stage a comedy, a drama, or a romantic romp? It’s up to you.

Create a space that is just for romance, just for the two of you.

This is why French women will be careful not to let their common rooms become overrun with the trappings and responsibilities of domestic life. The children’s toys are not a source of constant clutter. In fact, the French just do not accumulate a whole lot of stuff. You’ll find that the principle of “less is more” is not only the way to a happy home, but it’s also the route to romance. Rather than adding “stuff” to your married life, add experiential pleasures, such as beautiful music, excellent wine, and good food. Light candles. Make it a daily practice to watch the sunset together. Dress beautifully for each other. It’s important that there is a place for you and your husband to be with each other without the responsibilities of day-to-day life—the bills to be paid, the plumbing to be repaired, and the errands to be run. Rather, create a space that is just for romance, just for the two of you.

BUILDING MEMORIES

Traveling by plane always makes for a long day. I began my morning in Paris, taking a taxi to Charles DeGaulle, waiting in countless lines, walking through long and crowded corridors, getting through security, stopping to shop in duty-free, and waiting in another line to board my flight, after which I’m in the air for six hours, cramped into a little window seat next to a six-foot-something businessman. And then, I arrive at Boston’s Logan Airport and wait in some more lines where I slowly move forward, snaking around the cordons at customs, whereupon I take the elevator to baggage claim, and I wait in yet one more line, and then finally I am gloriously released into the arrivals room, where I look around at the crowd of waiting family and friends to find a handsome man in suit and tie, wearing sunglasses and, just like a professional limo driver, holding up a sign that says CALLAN.

That would be me.

Oh, and the handsome man is carrying a big bouquet of roses. This is the man I call Dr. Thompson. I call him Dr. Thompson because in the course of our romance he went from being my student in a writing class at Fairfield University to graduating from Columbia University, where he earned a PhD in geology, and then went on to become a scientist at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution on Cape Cod, where we lived for ten years.

He’s now retired and we live on a little farm in upstate New York, where he raises chickens and turkeys, tends to our apple orchard, grows amazing vegetables, and shows up at our local farmer’s market every Sunday. I should probably call him “Farmer Bill,” but truthfully, I love calling him Dr. Thompson. And this is because it adds a certain formality to our relationship.

I believe that maintaining a certain formality—in addition to rituals and elegance and apple pie—are the cornerstones to marriage.

LIVING IN A STATE OF WONDER

Irene Goodman has been my literary agent for over ten years, and I consider her a good friend and a great inspiration. She told me the most wonderful story the other day. She was in the country with her husband of many years when there was a big snowstorm. She looked out the window and told him in a wistful tone that she had never had a snowman as a child, but always wanted one. She suggested that they both go outside and make a snowman. Her husband said, “Maybe later.”

Irene didn’t think about this again, until the very next day, when her husband took her to the window and, holding her hand, pointed. There, on the deck, was the most perfect snowman, just for her. What a lovely surprise and what a wonderful way to show his love for her.

Still, it’s important to note that she was not disappointed when her husband said, “Maybe later,” but rather she was able to just be in that place between yearning and fulfillment. This is the place in a marriage where there are no guarantees. There is a slight loss of communication, something Dr. Phil might not approve of, but French women know this is the very stuff that keeps a marriage alive and growing and full of wonder.

WALK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG BAG OF ORANGES

My dear friend Kelly came to Paris with me and a group of wonderful women for the 2014 Ooh La La! Paris Tour. I adored having her with us because she is a great observer of human behavior, she loves all things feminine, and she has an endless fascination for all things French. She’s just a bit younger than I am and newly remarried. She’s particularly interested in keeping her marriage spicy. After the tour ended, Kelly stayed on and rented an apartment for a week, so that she could experience Paris as a native—shopping, cooking, and wandering the streets on her own. I loved the story she told me upon her return from the City of Light.

“I was walking around the tenth arrondissement, wearing a new summer dress and lugging a bag of oranges. I saw a handsome young man coming my way, and I ducked my head a bit, in order to NOT make eye contact. But he greeted me very deliberately, as in ‘Bonjoooooour, Madame!’ and I yanked my chin up in time to catch a very flirty grin. He made me look. I thought, This flirting thing, it’s a sport here, and I better get with the program!”

And when she came home, this experience stayed with her, and she said yes, that in fact it rejuvenated her love affair with her husband.

“I always come back from Paris with a renewed vision of myself as a female. I remember, Ah yes, flirting! It really does put a bounce in my step! I sometimes forget how cheering and alluring that is for my husband. He smiles, he relaxes. Simple things, like my putting on a skirt to wear around the house, and turning a serious conversation with a little joke, changing the ions, and he responds. But I need reminding, all the time.

“I’m operating in an almost macho, ‘let’s go!’ energy a lot, and I forget how enervating that can be for him. Our culture prioritizes being on task and on time, even for children. Directness and time management outrank subtlety, or softness, or eye contact, or playtime. We lose the knack of our femininity. We forget to have fun!”

Ah, fun. Remember fun?

DON’T MONETIZE YOUR LOVE

I am in a shop on Rue de Bac. The handsome store clerk places my purchase in a bag and then takes my credit card. As he hands it back to me, he winks and asks, “And what’s your phone number?”

I don’t hesitate. I begin to give it to him. Okay, maybe for a moment I think it’s a little strange, but I’ve become so conditioned by CVS and all those other stores that ask you for either your loyalty card or your phone number, that I’ve completely missed the fact that this dashing French man is flirting with me!

Your romantic life is not a business.

He asks me, rather teasingly, I might add, if I always give out my phone number so freely in America. I want to explain the bit about CVS, but honestly it seems too complicated, so I just say, no, I don’t give out my phone number so freely, although the truth is, I think I do.

Leaving the shop, I wonder about this and how often my own culture elevates commerce over community, and whether or not in all this effort to make money or save money, we have sacrificed something very important to our own well-being. Have we sacrificed charm?

Perhaps it’s time to take another look at our priorities and forgo expediency and efficiency for beauty, elegance, and the simple pleasures of life and love. Your romantic life is not a business. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the secret to keeping love alive is to forgo the mantras of capitalism—efficiency, expediency, time management, and all those lovely go-getter mantras. They are not the way to go when it comes to finding or keeping love. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s when you are a flâneur (a person who strolls and explores their town or city) that you’re more likely to find or rekindle your love. This is because love is waiting for you when you least expect it. Love happens when you’re not looking. It’s rekindled when you’re not multitasking or saving money or “getting things done” or thinking about how to be more efficient.

Take the circuitous route to love. It’s more fun and more surprising, and much sexier.

Well, there you have it—that’s my two cents, and because the French don’t measure things in cents, it’s my grain de sel, my grain of salt.

Parisian Charm School Lesson

Love is creative. We are always creating our story. We are not “done” once we “get” the guy. No one gets to own anyone. We should take nothing for granted. We simply love and live and create our story. The dream is to make it a great one.

We are always creating our story.

So even after the wedding and the honeymoon, even after the children leave for college, we must see our marriage as an ever-evolving story. We need to gain perspective and take a step back every now and then and look at our loved one from a distance, in a place where we can be observed as attractive to others. Husbands need to do this with their wives, and wives need to do this with their husbands. (By the way, this is another great reason to attend dinner parties.)

The French know that we all need to show our husbands and partners that we are still attractive to other men and that other men compliment us, even flirt with us. The French do not take this as an insult. In fact, a French man understands that when another man pays attention to his wife it’s actually a compliment to him. His wife is clearly still worthy of le regard. The husband’s ardor (whether their relationship is still in the courtship stage or they are facing the twilight years) can be renewed and refreshed in these moments.

We all need to be shaken up a little and reminded that life is not predictable and there are surprises and delights along the way and around every corner.

Embrace those spaces between yearning and desire, mystery and surprise. When we are in a marriage for a long time, we can lose this sense of mystery and we assume we know everything about our partner and he knows everything about us. And this may seem true, but it’s really not. Human beings are never completely known. There is always mystery. It’s simply a matter of identifying it and coaxing it to return to our everyday life.

Parisian Charm School Pratique

Bring a little romance into your own marriage by paying closer attention to what brings him joy, whether it means cooking his favorite dish or wearing a certain color that he loves. Talk to your husband about what you find appealing and romantic—not with any hidden agenda, but simply as a way to reconnect with him.

The French love to say vive la différence, which celebrates the differences between men and women. Try to not “collapse” into your marriage by becoming a matched set, but rather show off your differences, your femininity. As much as you might love the same team as your husband, wearing matching team jerseys is a slippery slope.

Travel. A little time and space creates the opportunity for yearning, renewed desire, and a romantic reunion.

Attend dinner parties and group get-togethers where your husband can enjoy your beauty and charm as reflected in another man’s eyes. Resist the monetization of life. Make time to eat dinner together, at the table, with candles.

Finally, never, ever, ever pick up your dinner from a drive-through. And I’m not saying this because it’s probably not a healthy choice, but rather, because I honestly don’t think you’re going to meet the love of your life at the McDonald’s window. And you won’t find your most radiant and joyful self reflected there, either.