I have found myself with less and less time to write in my diary since my engagement. It seems there is always so much to be done! The wedding will be early in May, since Mama and Margaret and I should be able to finish all the preparations before then. Mostly we have sewing to complete, but there are a few other things that must be attended to before I can move into Thomas’ house.
He brought the children with him the last time he visited and it was a joy for me to see them. I do not like when he leaves them at his house or in town to come and see me because I don’t like to think of them alone and I do not want them to think I don’t like them or want to spend time with them.
Lady and Jesse are growing a bit more talkative and I think they are getting used to the idea of me moving into their home with them. Of course I would not presume to take the place of their mother, but I hope in time they can love me as I am sure I will love them.
While Thomas talked with Papa in the stable, I took the children for a walk. I dearly wanted to ask them about their mother, but I fear I do not know them well enough to say anything yet. I hope the time comes when they are able to speak to me about her. I don’t know why I am so interested in her, but perhaps it is just my natural curiosity.
I have not dared to ask Thomas about her again because he does not seem to like to talk about her, but his mood is much improved over the last time I saw him.
T
April 30, 1866- Monday
The wedding is only twelve days away and we are working furiously to get all the clothing and linens made. Papa has made me a beautiful chest in which to put all my new things and the few things from home that I will be taking with me to my new home. I am getting quite excited.
Thomas has been visiting more and more often. I think he is excited about the wedding, too. He says he will paint the main bedroom in his house any color I want once I move in. I think that is very thoughtful of him. I have learned more and more about him, such as his favorite things to eat and the books he likes best. He loves to read and he says my most important job when we are married will be to teach Lady and Jesse to read and write. He does not want them to go to school just yet, but I am hoping I can convince him to change his mind. There are some children their age who go to school in town, and I cannot understand why someone who values reading and writing so much does not want his own children to attend school. I think they would love it. It is something I will have to work on.
T
May 5, 1866- Saturday
The wedding is just a few days away, and suddenly I am feeling a little nervous about moving to Thomas’ house. I have never been anywhere overnight except my aunts’ and uncles’ houses. Mama had a talk with me about the things Thomas will expect of me when we are married and I confess to being afraid. She says not to worry, that Thomas will understand.
The chest Papa made for me is packed and ready to go to Thomas’ house and my wedding dress is ready and beautiful. I did the lace work myself while Mama and Margaret worked on the rest of the dress. I love it. I hope the weather is nice the day of the wedding.
T
May 12, 1866- Saturday
Our wedding was yesterday, and we were lucky that the rain did not start falling until after we had taken our vows.
I am now living in Thomas’ house. The things I brought with me to the house are unpacked and I have put everything where it belongs. It is strange to get accustomed suddenly to living in a new place.
I can’t tell Thomas that I cried when I said good-bye to Mama and Papa. He would be disappointed in me and perhaps worry that I don’t want to live in his house with him and the children. But that is not true at all—I simply feel sad at not being able to see my parents every day from now on. I must face my womanhood with courage and strength and I don’t want to cry again. But I do miss Mama and Papa and Margaret and even the boys.
Thomas says it is not a good idea for me to visit them very often because it will cause me pain and homesickness. I’m sure he is right, but I wish I could see my family every day.
T
May 30, 1866- Wednesday
I have been the woman of the house for over two weeks now. Lady and Jesse seem to accept my presence here in the house, but they still do not talk to me very much. I long for them to sit with me and have a conversation the way they talk to each other, but they are not ready for that yet. They regard me with looks that remind me of fear and it makes me sad that they feel afraid of me. I am not going to hurt them—I merely want to love them.
Thomas told me today that he has to take a short trip farther west. He will be leaving in a few days. He does not dote on me quite the way he did while we were courting, but I suspect that happens in all marriages.
I still miss my family and have not seen them yet, but perhaps I can go visit them while Thomas is traveling.
T