Thomas left this morning for his trip. He asked me to spend a good deal of time while he is away teaching Lady and Jesse to read. I taught my brothers to read and I don’t think Thomas realizes that it is a long process. I hope he doesn’t expect the children to be reading by the time he comes home. If he does, he will be disappointed in both them and me.
I was surprised at the lightness that I felt once Thomas left. I suppose I have been working very hard to try and please him. The children seem to feel it, too. They have been more talkative since he departed and I have seen them smile more. Thomas dislikes the noise they make when he is home, so they try to be quiet when he is around, which is quite often. They are bored and I feel sorry for them. But I do not mind noise—in fact, I welcome it! I have told them they may play until I am done with the morning chores and then we will sit down and I will begin to teach them their letters.
I am planning a visit to my home to see Mama and Papa while Thomas is away. I suggested it to the children this morning and they seem thrilled with the idea of a short trip. Isn’t it funny—I still refer to Mama and Papa’s house as “my home” even though my home is really now with Thomas and the children.
T
June 9, 1866- Saturday
The children and I took the horse and the wagon today and went to see Mama and Papa. It has been almost a month since I saw them and I cried when they came out of the house to greet me. Mama cried, too, but Papa just laughed. He said he taught me well if I was brave enough to leave my new home and bring two children over the miles to visit. I don’t think of it as being brave—I would do practically anything to see my family again.
Lady and Jesse and I are staying overnight at my house. It is quite an adventure for them. Margaret and the boys played with them after supper tonight and my little charges are exhausted. They practically fell into bed even before it was completely dark outside. They slept in my old bed and I will sleep with Margaret. It is soothing to me to sit by the candlelight and write in my diary as I used to before my marriage to Thomas.
Mama and Margaret have asked me many questions about Thomas but I cannot answer most of them because I don’t know the answers. They want to know what his job was before coming west, but other than the time he spent farming in Ohio, I have never asked him and he has never spoken about it. I had to tell them I don’t know. They also asked about his family, but I had to admit I don’t know anything about his family besides Lady and Jesse. I don’t know if his parents are living or whether he has sisters or brothers. Margaret seems scornful of my marriage to Thomas, but Mama tells her to hush and mind her tongue.
I will have to ask Thomas those questions when he returns from his trip. I would like to know the answers, too.
T
June 16, 1866- Saturday
Thomas came home today. He was very happy to see all of us. He hugged me and told me he missed me, and I felt a warm happiness when he said that. He told the children he missed them, too. He wasn’t home for long before he left again to go into town for some supplies, then he came back in time for dinner.
I was nervous about him asking the children to read for him, and my fears came true. He asked them after dinner to show him that they could read, and all they could do was recite some of the letters of the alphabet. He didn’t smile or tell them they did a good job, but instead told them to get ready for bed. After they left the room he was angry and told me he was disappointed in my inability to teach them more than just a few letters. I was stung by his words, but I told him that perhaps it was time to think about sending the children to school. He was angry at my suggestion and yelled that teaching them is now my job since I am the woman of the house.
I didn’t want Thomas to see me cry, so I spent the evening in the parlor while he remained in the kitchen. I am waiting until he is asleep to go into the bedroom. I checked myself in the looking glass and I can see that my eyes are red and puffy from crying.
Papa has never made Mama cry, not that I know of.
T
June 20, 1866- Wednesday
I have been working with Lady and Jesse on their letters and numbers while Thomas works in our fields. They are making good progress, though Thomas doesn’t think they are learning fast enough.
Jesse said something today that startled me. He said he misses his mother and he wishes she could see where they live in Nebraska. I had mixed feelings about what he said. I was glad that he could talk about his mother, but I felt a little sorry for myself when he said he wished she could be here. I feel like I am not good enough and that even at their young ages, Jesse and Lady realize I don’t measure up to her or to their memory of her.
I am growing more curious about her. Lady said she was beautiful, with long blond hair (Lady called it “yellow”) and lovely clothes. Jesse said he remembers his mother’s voice. He says it sounded like a song. I wonder what else they miss about her. Did she read stories to them? Did she try to teach them things? I don’t even know how old they were when she died. They were clearly old enough to have memories of her.
I think I must again ask Thomas about her one of these days.
T
June 24, 1866- Sunday
I am shocked by something that happened today. I found a picture of a beautiful woman in Thomas’ bureau. It was under several handkerchiefs and I was putting his socks in the drawer and moved the hankies.
It must be his first wife because both Lady and Jesse look just like her, but I am afraid to ask him. I don’t even know her name. I have almost never seen a photograph before, so I know Thomas and his wife must have been wealthy when they lived back east.
I am realizing there is so much I don’t know about my husband.
I hope that the picture is his first wife and not another woman.
T
June 29, 1866- Friday
I couldn’t stand my curiosity any longer and I asked Thomas about the picture I found in his bureau. When he found out I had seen the picture, he was angrier than I have ever seen him. He hit me across the face. He hit me so hard I fell. My cheek is swollen and the bone around my eye is very painful.
I don’t know what to do. My father has never hit my mother and I know my uncles don’t hit my aunts. I cannot tell my parents because I don’t know what Papa would do to Thomas. And I am embarrassed to tell them because I don’t want them to think I have made a mistake in marrying Thomas. Perhaps it is good that I do not live very close to them because they will not see the bruise on my face.
T
June 30, 1866- Saturday
When I went to bed last night Thomas apologized for hitting me. I purposely waited to go into the bedroom until I thought he was asleep, but he was waiting for me. He put his hand lightly on my cheek in the way he did before we were married and insisted that I have relations with him so he could prove how sorry he was. I could barely endure it.
This morning when Lady and Jesse saw my face Lady gave me a hug. I could tell Jesse wanted to, but something held him back. They didn’t say anything during breakfast, but they hurried outside while I cleaned the kitchen and did my morning chores. I watched them out the window and they keep looking back toward the house. Their heads are together and they are talking. I don’t know where Thomas is.
When I was finished with my housework I called the children inside so we could work on their letters. They work so hard. Jesse seems to be grasping the concept of reading and writing a bit faster than Lady, but she will catch up to him, I am sure.
When they came inside I knew they were bursting to ask about the bruise on my face. I checked it in the glass and it is deep purple and my eye is partly swollen shut. I can’t very well hide it from them. They didn’t say anything, though. They were even more assiduous than usual in their recitations. I think they wanted to please me.
When Thomas came inside for the noon meal, he was grim-faced and angry. He didn’t say anything except to announce that he would be home late in the evening and to have supper without him. He didn’t say good-bye when he left and he scarcely spared the children a glance. They looked down at their food during the meal, as if they knew not to bother him in such a mood. They seemed almost relieved to hear that he will not be home until late this evening. I am getting the feeling they have seen this behavior from him before.
T
July 2, 1866- Monday
This morning when I was doing my housework I turned around and was startled to find Thomas watching me in the doorway to the parlor. He was being totally silent and when I saw him I asked him if he needed something. Instead of answering, he stared at me for a moment then turned around and left the house. I cannot fathom why he was watching me clean. Maybe he doesn’t think I’m doing a good job. But he would say something if he didn’t like how I was doing it. He has shown himself to be very forthright about my housework and cooking. If there is something he doesn’t like, he does not waste any time in telling me so.
I miss my parents dearly. The bruise on my face is fading and is becoming green-yellow in color, but it is still obvious that I have met with an accident. The children are continuing to work on their numbers and letters. I have noticed that they never talk about their father and they only speak to him if he speaks to them first. I find it a sad way for them to live. When I was growing up I always talked to my father about anything and everything.
I do not know why I never noticed this behavior from them before I married Thomas.
T
July 7, 1866- Saturday
Thomas has been behaving more and more strangely. He watches me clean and I pretend to not know he is there. I think if I said something, if I showed him that I know he watches me, it would not matter. He would stay there, saying nothing and looking at me with disapproving eyes. The children do everything they can to avoid being near him. My heart goes out to them because no child should have to live in fear like that, but the truth is that I am afraid to broach the subject with my husband.
He has been especially critical of my cooking. I can’t seem to do anything right. The bruise on my face is almost healed. If I wear my hair down around my face, my parents might not notice the discoloration if I go see them. But I fear that Thomas will not allow it and I certainly can’t leave without telling him where I am going.
I am in a quandary.
T
July 10, 1866- Tuesday
Thomas hasn’t talked to me in three days. I cannot think what I have done to make him so angry. The children spend as little time as possible in his presence when he is in the house and their eyes are wide and afraid when they are in the same room with him.
I am afraid of him. I am afraid for both myself and the children. I want to go to my parents’ house but he will either forbid me to go or he will come after me and find me if I go without telling him.
I have to do something.
T
July 13, 1866- Friday
I am writing this quickly because I can see Thomas approaching the house from a distance. He still has not spoken to me.
Lady has told me something very disturbing. She told me she is afraid because her father was like this in the days before her mother died. When I asked if her mother had been sick, she shook her head, her eyes wide and full of terror. She told me she is worried that I am going to disappear, too. This is the most personal thing Lady has ever said to me and there is a voice inside me saying she is right.
T
July 15, 1866- Sunday
Thomas locked me and the children inside the house today. I can see him outside pacing, but we are trapped.
I don’t know what to do. He hit me again this morning and a large bruise is developing on my stomach. It hurts ferociously and I am having a hard time standing up straight. I fear Thomas is going to do serious harm to me one of these days.
I just watched him ride away in the wagon. Thank the Lord the children are safe with me. I have no idea where he is going or when he will return. I hope and pray we all remain safe.
T
July 15, 1866- Sunday
Thomas has returned home. He instructed the children to accompany him outside. When they left, he told me I was to remain behind and he locked me in again. I watched the three of them from the window, but they disappeared behind the barn. I can see him walking slowly back toward the house now. The children are nowhere to be seen. I am terrified for the children and for me.
I should have tried to escape.
T